SWNOVELS Chapter 5: Management Science
Chapter 5: Management Science
“My farts are socialist farts, they must be fragrant”
- Mao Tse-Tung 1955
Everyone filed into the main conference room: tables were placed in an informal, restaurant style, with both kinds of water (sparkling and still). Breath mints greeted each attendee as they sat. It was safe to assume this was not an intentional insult, but designed to remind one they should always “Be their Best.” Mel chose a seat in the back, not as in High School, in fear of being called upon or labelled teacher’s pet. But far enough back so the speaker couldn’t hear his eyes roll. (A year ago, a particularly mediocre speaker provoked his sense of irony. Mel let out a snort. He got lots of dirty looks for being immature, but noted the names of the 3 or 4 people who had smiled.) Anyway, this was an important meeting. Most employees had not seen the CEO up-close. He had been in the job for a year, and was expected to announce the new strategic plan. Everyone wanted to know if they were going to have a job in 6 months.
The requisite video montage of company employees, stock reports, manufacturing facilities, and so on poured into the room like sunrays through a stain-glass windows. This was followed by a photo biography of Mr Huntsley: childhood, graduation, chairing an important looking committee, testifying before Congress, shaking hands with the Secretary of State. Rock Music blared as a tall, fit man strode up to the stage. “He could be George Clooney,” Mel thought, reluctantly impressed.
“Welcome! ....”
“We are working towards a leaner, more focussed, mission-driven Company. Shedding our non-core businesses, to concentrate on what we do well, and protecting our revenue-stream. We want to create a deeper product footprint...
We are trimming out many layers of management, putting more shaft behind the arrowhead. We need to think smarter about when to be smart. I want to see relentless application of the 80/20 rule....”
Mel mused, “Where does he get those metaphors?”
“...But we have no illusions. We cannot cost cut our way into growth. We will need to raise capital for investing in these efforts. As we all know, capital is hard to come by these days, so we have submitted a proposal to the board and the FSA for a ‘Rights Issue’, giving all investors the opportunity to participate in the risks and rewards. We know there are risks, but we agreed it is the most cost-effective way to raise money. ... “Can’t” is for people who lack imagination...”
“This will be disruptive, but we are confident this will restore us to profitability within
18 months. It will be a tough transition and I understand many people will be insecure.
We have no choice, if we are to re-build this company. We promise to make staffing decisions quickly and be generous to those displaced. In such times, the “How’s” are as important... no more important... than the “What’s”.” Air quotes were used for emphasis.
“Communication is key. I do not want to hear that something failed, “just because” of poor communications. There is no such thing: World War I was caused by “just” poor communications.”
“He got that one right,” Mel considered how effective monologues are as a form of communications.
“Bonuses this year (chuckles from long-term employees) ... and there will be one...will be 50% company performance against targets...”
His mind worked at decoding the speech. The speech was, or course, Best-In-Class Nonsense, but this guy was no dummy: Harvard MBA, 10 years principal at McKinsey, a reputation as a turn-around artist. He had saved two companies from bankruptcy. How much was routine business platitudes? Had any real decisions been made? He knew it was not good news for him and his team (New Product Development), but does the overall plan make any sense? Would he, Mel, do roughly the same thing in this situation? He wondered which Myers-Briggs profile the speaker fit into.
At our level of management, we all start parroting phrases from management books we haven’t read. The disturbing lines were the non-bromides. Keeping in mind that anyone good is a bit of a sociopath (as a matter of survival), Mel mused over all the transparently ridiculous decisions he, himself, had been forced to make, and then explain to his staff. His latest stunt was re-hiring one of his ex-employees as a high-paid consultant, doing the same job. His budgetary improvisation to avoid the hiring freeze and tap the non-remuneration budget won him accolades from his boss and peers (“This will do wonders for morale,” one of his colleagues jibbed. They shared a smile, and approval was unanimous.) His stomach growled from the two cups of coffee and bottle of water he had drunk. Will the snack be oak cakes or real cookies?
The meeting was called, and the positioning began. The knives are gonna be out, Mel thought. We’re not going to get a lot of work done for the next few months. He started collecting contact information from the people he respected or trusted.
Later that night, it occurred to him: Huntsley did not once smirk or cast a knowing glance. He was a true believer! ... possibly a “King” Zombie? The enthusiastic prattle from the Zombies and projects team confirmed his worst fears. Then, did he hear correctly? A rights issue? Isn’t that just diluting the stock value? Who’s running this company, Robert Mugabe? Then, another thought struck him; “The guy is negotiating his exit already! Either way; this ain’t good.”
He called his broker, shorting his own retirement portfolio. Well, it is time for a change. His skin had taken on a greying Zombie hue over the past year. If he didn’t get a real job soon... He might end up like poor Huntsley.