SWNOVELS Chapter 10
CHAPTER 10
Last evenings training session went well. I’ve really gotten a handle on the whole meditation thing. I haven’t mastered a slow or half transition yet, but it has become easier to connect to the phoenix. Kestrel would like for me to focus my training today on transforming completely into the phoenix but be able to keep a hold on my humanity at the same time. My phoenix is so strong willed that as soon as I allow her to take control, she pushes my conscious human mind out of the way and her animalistic persona consumes me.
I shake that thought away as Ash gives me a kiss on the cheek when I come into the kitchen and then after hands me a steaming cup of coffee. “My hero!” I state jubilantly just before taking a sip of the hot liquid. Ash chuckles before offering me a grin in return of my comment.
After I finish my coffee, Ash and I get into the car and drive over to the gym. As soon as I walk into the training room, Kestrel and I begin to stretch. Once we do this, she wants me to practice a little more on meditation and then we will take on the task of full transformation. I meditate for an hour before trying to connect with the phoenix.
As I reach deep within myself, to the cage where the phoenix is held, I swear I can hear her calling to me. Open, let me out. Freedom! I lift the lever and open the metal door. WOOSH... a gust of heat hits me, causing my hair to fly away from my face. An instant later and I am no longer the one in control of my mind or body.
After she has taken control, I realize she hasn’t shifted but stays my human form. Just before she shuts me away, I look at Ash and Kestrel, and then at my body. Engulfed in flames is a decent way to describe what I see yet not exactly the right wording... because I am the flames themselves. I screech out a cry and then darkness takes over me.
Consciousness is coming back to me, and I wonder how I am able to gain control of myself once more. Trying to move, I feel someone’s arms are wrapped around me. Squirming, I try to wiggle lose but the hold on me only gets tighter. Only when I say, “ouch, I can’t breathe, let me go,” do the arms finally give, a little.
“Sofia?” Ash whispers against my ear. “Are you fully back in control now?” Nodding my head yes, he pushes me to arm’s length so he can look into my eyes. Observing both him and Kestrel, I see black ash smeared across their clothing and faces. I raise a questioning eyebrow to the both of them.
“Um, what has happened to you two? You look like you were fighting...” My voice trails off as I realize they were, and it was me they were fighting with! “What did I do? Why do you guys look um, scorched?” Tears begin to streak my cheeks. I can’t believe I have hurt them.
Kestrel gives me a hug. “Oh Sofia, we are okay. Nothing to cry about, I promise. You didn’t hurt us, not really. We were just trying to bring you back from the phoenix’s clutches. She definitely had you locked away, that’s for sure. We are just glad to have you back with us.” She smiles and then hugs me again.
“But how come you guys look like you’ve walked through fire?” My eyes bounce between the two trying to understand what occurred for them to look this way.
“It wasn’t you babe. It was the phoenix. She didn’t want us to pull you back to the surface. She fought but didn’t fight to harm us, she didn’t intentionally hurt us. I don’t think she realizes the bond you and I have. Somehow within our twin flame connection I can touch you without being burned and when I hold you the way I did, she loses her power of control, and you practically blink back to the surface as though our bond forces her instantly back within you. We look as we do because she flared before we realized what was taking place within you.”
Their words and reassurance calm me down and I nod at them. I’m relieved that they weren’t hurt but scared because I didn’t know any of it was happening. I need to harness joint control with her. I can’t keep allowing her to push me into the darkness. “Can we stop early tonight, Kestrel. Emotional and physical exhaustion is hitting me hard.”
“Oh, yeah Sofia, no problem. We can do a couple practice sessions tomorrow afternoon, if you want to that is. No pressure, okay?” I smile and give her a hug of thanks.
“Do I need to carry you again?” Ash smiles teasingly at me and to mine and his surprise, I have enough energy to haul off and punch him in the arm. “Damn. I was just joking.” He rubs his arm and I smirk at him.
“That’s payback for flinging me over your shoulder last night. Ha!” He grabs my waist with his hands, pulling me to him before kissing me and then of course he scoops me up and throws me over his shoulder, AGAIN! This time though, I scream and then laugh.
“You are a turd!”
I must be sleep walking because I find myself outside of my house at The Nest in the middle of the street and barefoot. Minus the light from the full moon, my surroundings are shrouded in darkness. There are no streetlights, no homes that have lights turned on within which makes me think it is well past midnight. And even though I can see, it feels like I am looking through a haze as I peer out into the night.
As I walk, I feel as though I am being pulled or pushed toward some unknown destination. My anxiety begins to build, and I realize I cannot stop myself from continuing the path I am on. Panic is taking hold of me now too because I cannot stop! I feel the heat rising inside of me, and a brightness flashes in my eyes as I try to figure out where exactly I am.
Even though I have been training with Kestrel for a few weeks now, the one area I have not been doing well in is stopping myself from letting panic to take hold and allowing my phoenix to take over me when I am panicking. She is extraordinarily strong. Kestrel, Charlie, and Ash have all said as much but I have been doing all right with keeping balance between my human self and the phoenix, EXCEPT in moments of anxiety and panic, i.e., now.
With each step I take I feel myself getting hotter and minutes later I am alight in flames. The phoenix wants to burst free, to take over me and be in control. The struggle between her and I is fierce, and my flames flicker higher and higher. Any second now, I will turn into the bird of fire and my conscious mind will be pushed down and the animal will emerge.
Desperately I try to remember what Kestrel told me to do in moments such as this, focus on one thing and one thing only. Something that keeps my human mind tethered to this world and then breathe in deeply and exhale slowly. I have realized the best thing to turn my attention to are thoughts of Ash. His grin, the twinkle in his eyes when he is looking at me, his love, our connection to one another. These thoughts help tremendously in keeping me centered and I feel the phoenix recede as does the panic.
The crazy thing is, as I was battling dominance with the phoenix, whatever had hold of me, that drew me out into the street in the first place and had me wandering towards an unknown destination no longer has power over me. My vision clears instantly, and I am able to stop walking. Slowly my flames dissipate, and my body temperature lowers and then finally I am fully me again.
Sofia! Where are you? Why are you not answering me? Stars above, where has she gone? Please, please be okay. SOFIA! My hands go to my head clasping the sides of it as Ash shouts out my name inside my mind. His worry and fear are overwhelming, and I run the last thirty feet or so back towards my home. As my driveway and front yard come into view, I see Ash standing on the front porch looking totally freaked out. “It’s okay Ash, I’m right here.” As soon as he spots me, he runs towards me and throws his arms around me, practically crushing me against his chest in a bear hug.
“Where in the hell did you go?” He asks this as he releases me so that he can look me over, to make sure I am unharmed before his eyes lock with mine. Even in the dark I can see the fear in his eyes. “I’ve been looking for you for over an hour! I woke up and you weren’t in bed and after I realized you hadn’t just gone to the restroom; I tried reaching out to you with my mind. For some reason though, I couldn’t connect to you. I’ve never not been able to connect to you before. Do you know why I wasn’t able to reach out to you?”
I shake my head no at first but then I think I might have an answer. “Let’s go into the house,” I don’t know why but for some reason we were still standing in the middle of the front yard as he asked me all these questions. He nods his head okay but before taking a step, he takes my hand in his, entwining our fingers. He is making damn sure I wasn’t disappearing again. Once we are inside, we go up the stairs and lie down on my bed. “At first, I thought I was sleepwalking; my vision was hazy but then I realized I couldn’t stop walking. Someone or something was forcing me forward. So, I’m thinking the reason you couldn’t get inside of my mind was because someone or something else had control of it.”
“How did you break free of whatever was forcing you to walk?” Ash looks at me anxiously.
“The phoenix wanted to break free and be in control and because of me battling to win out over her, I think ironically, together we were able to break free of whatever had control of me.” I want to keep talking to him, to analyze what had happened, but a yawn escapes me, and exhaustion forces me to rest my head against the pillows that are behind me.
“First thing tomorrow, we go to Charlie and tell her what happened tonight. Also maybe ask her why she didn’t see this incident and find out what is going on, how someone could take hold of your mind.” I nod my head, but my eyes keep drooping, getting heavier and heavier. Just before I fall asleep though, I feel him pull me against his chest and wrap his strong arms around me. Skies above, I love this man!