Smoke and Mirrors

Sapphire Nightshade

I hugged my legs close to my chest as my body shook, waves of heat washed over me yet it felt like I had ice in my veins. My chest moved up and down as I gasped for breath, I was not being suffocated but yet it as though someone had their hands around my lungs, slowly crushing the air out of them. I kept my eyes closed and my head between my legs and chest because when I opened them I only saw darkness with small spots of light, and even when they cleared for those brief moments all I could see was the four walls of my room closing in on me, trapping me.

Two strong arms wrapped themselves around my middle, slowly pulling my chest away from legs and my head from in between them, large warm hands found my smaller cold ones, unfurling them from the clenched position they were in. No words were spoken as I was hoisted on to a lap and was slowly rocked, the only sound that could be heard was a soft humming as I was rocked, the vibrations from his throat provided a certain comfort for me, the beat of his heart assuring me that I was not alone.

This was not the first time this had happened and I was sure that it would not be the last, almost every night had me waking up feeling like I was suffocating, the first time this happened I thought I was dying, that this was actually how it was going to end, I was going to die without avenging my family. The worst part was that I could not even call for help, my body had become my cage, I had no control of it anymore as I sat there on the hardwood floor, which was where I had collapsed after trying to stand, tears dripping down my face. This was how Xander found me, he came into my room saying that he heard my erratic heartbeat and wanted to see if I was okay, I could not even bring my face up to look at him, he immediately fell silent, no bombarding of questions on why I was in this state just actions, he picked me up in his arms and carried me to my bed where he just sat with me and hummed a lullaby till I fell asleep in his arms, I would wake up the next morning with just myself in my room knowing that when night came this would be repeated again.

The worst part was just it was not just night, this happened when I trained as well. There were a few times where I had asked some of the Pack Warriors to spar with me but during the middle of it, I would feel the waves of heat come over me before my throat seized up and I would collapse to the ground. It was as if my mind was never at peace, at night it was plagued with nightmares that were so vivid and clear that I had to assure myself they weren’t real, this caused me to sometimes try and forgo sleep and spend the nights in the library reading up on battle strategies used by packs in the past. I managed to stay up for three nights in a row before I almost fell on my own spear during training, which was the last straw for Chloe, she dragged me as well as Xander to the Chief Healer.

“You don’t seem comfortable here, Sapphire.”

I smiled sheepishly at the Chief Healer, a matronly woman who had a kind smile, that smile was on her face as she caught me looking at my surroundings with disgusts. I had developed an intense dislike for ‘Healing Rooms’ as it reminded me of when I had returned from the dead and what I woke up too.

“Just bad experiences.”

She nodded and smiled but her eyes told me that she did not buy my story.

We began to tell her about my anxiety attacks and how they just seemed to appear out of nowhere, granted I knew it was linked to what I had experienced at the hands of Damien and the two goddesses but what confused me was the fact that they were all happening now, I had absolutely no panic attacks during my stay at the Black Blood Pack even though I was exposed to so much trauma.

“She was fine even in the forest when we were running away from my brother’s men.”

Guilt filled my heart as I stared at Chloe who was gesturing with her hands to try and explain the situation, the dark shadows beneath her eyes visible.

She had been the one who stayed by my side those nights when I had decided to forgo sleep and each time I asked her to go back to Jared’s room, where she now resided, she would reply that she was fine and would stay by my side. Our friendship would have seemed utterly impossible three months ago but all we experience, those were just things you go through together and bonds will form. I was guilty of separating her from Jared especially at such an important time, Chloe was now expecting their first child, granted she was only a month pregnant but still, she should be with Jared. My eyebrows almost escaped to my hairline when she first told me about the news, we had only been here for two weeks and she already had a bun in the oven and I knew from the many awkward talks by my father that once did not always equal pregnancy so that would mean…I shook my head not wanting to think about it. I felt a tug in my heart as she gushed about all the future possibilities, it reminded me of how someone else had done the same thing only for all of it to be ripped away from her.

“Her sudden number of panic attacks could be because her mind is finally in a state of peace.” I raised an eyebrow at her, that was an oxymoron, I had panic attacks because my mind was in a state of peace.

“I know it sounds contradictory but allow me to explain, your mind was always busy during the time on the battlefield at your pack, at the Black Blood Pack and even during your escape in the forest. You were always finding a way to escape or planning strategies out in your head because the environment around did not allow you to feel safe and secure to relax, you somehow repressed your feelings of anxiety and fear because your mind was too preoccupied in a way but now, you feel secure here even if you don’t think so, you know you are safe here and so your mind is not preoccupied with thoughts of escaping or revenge, at least not as much as before, so this sudden state of calm allowed you to clear your mind but also allowed all these negative emotions that you kept pent up to be released all at once, hence your panic attacks. That is why you get them so frequently when you see or feel something close to what you had experienced such as your nightmares.” I did not what to say to that, I looked up at Xander who was standing behind me and his hand on the nape of my neck, his thumb applied soft pressure and would rub the side of my neck when he felt me tense up, he caught my eye before giving me a small smile and a small rub.

“How do I limit the number of panic attacks? I mean I cannot live with them for the rest of my life.” I had to sleep, I had to train and most importantly, I hated having to burden others with my problems.

“Spend more time with the person who made you vulnerable, who made you feel safe.” She used her pen to gesture at Xander.

“You respond well to him, I have been paying attention to your heartbeat and whenever you look at Xander when you felt tense or uncomfortable, it went down.” I looked back up at Xander who just looked at his feet causing me to feel even more confused.

After that appointment I shooed Chloe back to Jared before turning to look at Xander, I asked him why he looked away and he told me it was because he felt guilty, he was responsible for my state, I remembered his confused look when I laughed. I told him that he was ridiculous to think that this was his fault and that these attacks would have come either way and in fact, I should thank him for being by my side. There was an awkward silence for a while before I manned up and asked if he could stay in my room, he looked at me in shock as heard me. The both us despite being in mates have been sleeping in different rooms, Xander had arranged this himself as he wanted to go slow and let feel comfortable as I had just been thrown into a completely new setting and he felt that it was not his right to force me to stay with him just because we were mates. That made me pleasantly surprised as I remembered when Ryder first found Cordelia was his mate, we come home to people moving her things from our house to his and into his room. He told her it was her duty as a mate to be with him, this was agreed on by the pack elders who assisted in the moving.

Xander asked me if I was sure of my decision and that he would leave anytime I felt uncomfortable, I told him that I needed this for the attacks to go away. I watched as he moved a few of his things into my room, he surprised me again when he placed pillows on the couch, which was way too small for him it was too small for even me to stretch out, I asked him if that was where he was going to sleep and he told me he did so because he knew that after Damien I would not feel too comfortable with a male being so close to me, especially since I already felt vulnerable in my sleep.

He slept on that small couch for two nights, coming to my bed only to calm me down, he never complained about them, never asked me too many questions he just held me like he was now, on the third night I asked him to join me on the bed and sleep because I really did feel bad watching him contort his body to fit onto that couch after all he did for me without asking for anything in return. He did so but still slept at the far end of the bed, only initiating physical contact with when I had my panic attacks.

“I have become such a weakling, haven’t I?”

This was more a statement to me than a question to Xander.

“Sapphire, none of us are invincible, we all have our own fears and flaws but that is what differentiates us from animals, this is what makes us human.”

He had let me go after he felt my heart rate go back to normal, he scooted himself to the far end of the bed before turning to look at me.

“Sapphire?”

“Yes?”

“Can I take you out tomorrow? I was thinking that we can go for a run together because I know you have not stretched your legs in a while.”

I bit my lip trying to hide a smile, he was like a little boy, he actually asked me for my permission, he was giving me the choice to say no.

“Sure.”

I turned on my side and closed my eyes, slowly falling into a dreamless sleep.