Slay My Soul

Pulling myself free of Dev's heaving chest, I avert my eyes and dress. Reece is dead and yet here I am having a casual fuck and enjoying cheesecake. He's rotting in the ground and I'm having fun.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me? I hit my knuckles against my temple twice in frustration. Dev's arms wrap around me, holding me tight.

"Eve, you are allowed to find moments of happiness. You being happy doesn't change where he is, nor does being upset. It is what it is. Nothing changes it. It's healthy to break free of the sadness when you can," he murmurs against my ear.

"It's only been a couple of weeks. I shouldn't be happy about anything yet. It's too soon," I explain to him. He turns me to face him.

"Show me where it says you can't find happiness. Show me where it says you must be miserable nonstop for a certain period. I'm calling bullshit!" Dev growls at me. "You have every right to feel what you feel. But you don't get to feel bad for still loving and enjoying being with the rest of us. We may not hurt as bad as you, but we do miss him and mourn him. We can all still feel that loss and be able to find pockets of happiness. Please Eve, stop punishing yourself every five minutes." He pecks my lips and kisses down my neck. I pull away.

He's right. It does hurt me more than them. My soul got shredded. Werewolves die from this, yet they expect me to function. They say I'm allowed to feel how I do, but apparently, that only applies when it suits them. They can't dictate when and what I feel at their convenience. I won't let them. Dev tries to cuddle me to him gently. I don't want to be babied. I just want... Reece. Fuck! I shove Dev away and march out the door and down the stairs.

"Eve!" Dev calls after me.

"Not now," I snap over my shoulder.

"Eve, he's dead! We aren't. We are still allowed to live!" I spin on my heel and pin him against the wall in a heartbeat.

"I am very aware that my mate is dead." My voice is calm and deadly. "I am very aware that my other mates are alive. Just as I am aware my feelings will yoyo around while I get through this. You need to accept that. Understand that I know we are allowed to live through this, but there are some days when I wish I didn't have to. It's called grief. I accept that Reece is gone, but for the love of god let me do this my way! I don't have a grief switch that you can just flick off."

"How can we, when you don't let us in? Your mind is shielded so tight in our bonds, we are staggering around blind," Dev growls. Fine then. I was doing that for them. I drop the shields in my mind. Dev sucks in a shaky breath as my emotion reaches him through the bond. I hear a few gasps behind me before I slam the walls back up. "Fuck!" My Lycan sways unsteadily.

"Exactly. I put a shield up so you don't have to be distracted or dragged under. Sometimes ignorance is bliss." I step away from him and head for the front door.

"At least take one of us with you," Dev calls after me. I scowl at him.

"Fine. Carino, will you accompany me?" His eyes widen with surprise, but he nods and gets up from his chair as I head out the door. We walk silently and aimlessly for a while. He breaks the silence first.

"Why me?"

"Because you don't pussy foot around. You speak your piece and you say what needs to be said. I don't want to be treated like I'm made of glass. Nor like I'm being unreasonable in feeling how I feel. My brief experiences with you have been ones of understanding and honesty. You help where you can, you try not to overstep. I don't think the others can offer me what I need right now." Then he says the most magical words.

"I didn't get the chance to know him. Will you tell me about him?" I smile a genuinely happy smile, one that I have no remorse over.

"I would love to." We settle down on the ground of the meadow we have entered and I tell him everything. I start right back at the beginning of my earliest memories of Reece. Moving through the years as we grew and how we formed a fast friendship. How we started training together. How we fell in love. Sneaking around and hiding our relationship. The extremes we went to so we wouldn't find our mates, not realizing we already had. The attack on the pack. Finding out we were mates. I even veer off course and admit everything that happened during my captivity. I not only help him know Reece, but I also unburden my soul of my secrets and my fears.

Carino is a brilliant listener. He listens intently, asks questions, laughs with me, and wipes my tears away. We talk for hours. Then when I am done, he begins to talk about himself. How the Shadow circle is judge and jury for the light and the dark. Some of the horrific missions he has been on. His parents, who are distant unloving parents. How he trusts no one, never allowing anyone close to him. He is a pillar of strength and justice to his people. He tells me about the moment he realized what I was to him, how his heart had fluttered with excitement and he felt truly alive and surging with emotions. He even tells me of some of the plans he had for getting me away from my mates, not realizing how deeply entwined we all are. We laugh at the absurdity of that idea, especially when I explain how exhausted my mates were after my heat. Even he admits he doesn't think he could handle me alone long term, let alone with my heat in the mix.

Spending time with Carino is a surprising balm to my soul. He acknowledges my feelings but doesn't tell me what I could or should do. There are just tentative suggestions and acceptance. I feel like he sees me and understands me. Maybe I need to take the others away like this and get to know them better too. Learn about their lives and what makes them tick. With a few of the guys, I feel like I'm going in blind. We haven't had deep discussions. Luka and I have. Lysario as well. Garret isn't much of a talker, more of a listener. The brothers and Dev I actually don't know much about. Darius, I know a bit better, we have had deep discussions about our relationship but not of our pasts. Reece had known everything about me, that's what made us work so well together. Now that Carino has Reece's bullet points and more insight on me and vice versa, I want to get all the guys on the same playing field.

"I feel better," I announce suddenly. "You were definitely the right choice to accompany me. It feels good to talk about Reece. All the tip-toeing around that the guys are doing, is driving me crazy. It is good to just be able to talk about him fondly, without being shut down or distracted because they are afraid of my emotions. I truly appreciate this time with you. Being allowed to feel, talk and unburden. Being able to get to know you better. This is what I needed. This is how they can all support me better. They hear Reece's name and panic. They sweep what happened under the carpet. This is how I accept and move on. This is how I forge stronger relationships with them all. Today has actually ended on a much better note." I sigh happily and flop my head into his lap, staring up at the clouds in the sky. He grins and strokes my hair.

"I have enjoyed this immensely too. I'm glad you asked me to come with you. This is the best day I have had in pretty much forever." He is clearly relaxed and I am too. I know we should be heading back to the house but I selfishly want to stay out here with just him in our little bubble in the meadow. There is no war here. No anger or arguments, just safe acceptance, and good vibes. I catch him looking at his wristwatch and hurry to distract him, so we can sit just a little longer.

"So what's with the glowing thing we do?" I ask curiously. He smiles widely.

"That is our magic recognizing each other. The witch's version of soul mates. If one activates their magic around their mate, their mate's magic responds with an identical glow. It's called twin flames, due to the glowing. He grabs my hand and starts glowing, my own skin immediately matches his glow. It's beautiful.

"It's like seeing what I imagine an aura would look like," I say, watching the swirl of the colors.

"That is essentially what it is," He murmurs. I sit up, keeping my hand in his.

"It's so beautiful. Your essence is stunning." He looks ethereal, surrounded by a symphony of colors. I feel like I am truly seeing him. I let the bond tug me to him naturally. My face leans into his and without further thought, I let my lips touch his and sink into his arms.