Skinned

Silence was my friend when I had misery. I used to indulge in the quietness that came with being alone because it gave me a generous amount of space for my mind to run through.

And that’s exactly what I got when I returned home,

Raw silence.

It did nothing to numb me from the havoc that carved itself into my head, the pain of a severed bond hitting me at a fervid force. And it brought with it an underlying noise that screamed into my thoughts that Killian was gone.

His familiar scent hung faintly in the air of the den, and it was a cruel taunt of what I had just lost, his absence becoming my ultimate torture.

I didn’t think any type of pain could outweigh what I had right now, and all I could do was endure the ceaseless ache that made its home in my chest.

What made me feel more alone was the fact that I couldn’t feel my wolf prowling beneath my skin anymore. She was thoroughly muted in her own accord, hiding herself in the farthest corner of my mind where she would dwell in grief alone.

I placed a heavy hand against my sternum, heaving in harsh breaths from the familiar ache of sorrow as I went over to the closet that held a few of Killian’s clothes.

I took his black crew neck and slid it on, its hem stopping at the middle of my thighs. I dragged my feet out of the bedroom and over to the couch where I slowly laid down to curl myself into a ball.

When the sun finally retreated until the moon was at its peak, I remained in the same place, curled into the couch as I held onto the few traces left of Killian.

And the only thing that filled the aching silence of the house, was the sound of my whimpers as I cried myself to sleep.

A knock on the door jolted me awake in the morning, and I could hear Reed’s muffled voice calling my name from outside.

I hastily stood up to answer him, and as soon as I opened the door, I was met with a face that bore the same look of misery as I had.

“Hey,” Reed said, “I needed to tell you that Alpha Eli is here along with a few of his subordinates.”

“Did you summon him here?”

“No, he came on his own accord. He heard about Killian, and decided to provide security and control of the pack for a short while.”

“A short while,” I repeated, and I could have sworn that I tasted the lie behind Eli’s thoughtful intentions, “Are you sure we aren’t just his open chance at extending his territory?”

“I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if that’s the case,” Reed said, “We lost an Alpha, Valerie. You may hold control on the pack right now, but it won’t be long before werewolves start competing for authority.”

I couldn’t even find it in myself to care about the title that I had at stake, because losing a place in the hierarchy was nothing compared to the agony of losing my other half.

I looked at Reed, “Are you planning to claim the position?”

He stayed silent for a while, a grim look crossing his features, “I don’t think I can, I have a brother in his death bed and I can’t leave him like that.”

My gaze dropped from the expression on Reed’s face, my thoughts going to Heath and his current state.

“How… how is he?”

“He’s pulling through. Alpha Eli’s pack doctor is doing his best to—,” Reed swallowed the lump in his throat, the struggle clear in his voice, “to lessen his pain.”

“I’m so sorry, Reed,” I mumbled, and I could feel the dryness of my throat as I fought back the tears welling in my eyes.

“He kept asking for you, that’s why I came here,” Reed said, “He needed to give you something, but he refused to have me send it to you.”

Without much of a second thought, I nodded. “I’ll go get ready.”

Judging eyes were pointed at my skin as Reed and I walked to the pack clinic, and I paid no heed to the way the attention burned my skin; I just couldn’t bring myself to care anymore.

Let them think what ever it is that they wanted to think of me.

I have long understood that their talk held no value to me.

Reed and I stopped in front of the clinic, and before I could land a hand in the door knob, he placed a hand on my shoulder to halt me from entering the place.

“There’s something you need to know before you walk in there.”

I frowned, “What is it?”

Before Reed could enlighten me of another concern, the door immediately opened, and I looked over my shoulder to see the person I hadn’t expected of seeing ever again.

“I’ll inform Alpha Eli regarding—“ Emma stopped, abruptly cutting her conversation with someone from inside the clinic as she finally laid her eyes on me.

I sucked in a breath, completely taken aback by her appearance.

Emma looked up at me with widened eyes, genuine shock etched on her face as she took in the sight of me. She looked exactly the same as before, except for the noticeable bump on her belly that had my mouth falling agape.

“Emma,” I breathed out.

Her features immediately crumbled upon my regard, tears forming in her eyes as she gave me a genuine smile, “Valerie.”

“I—I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be here. If I’d known, I would’ve stayed out of your way. Reed didn’t tell me you’d arrive sooner, so I thought—“

I immediately pulled her in for a hug, my eyes closing for a brief moment as I regarded her familiar presence.

“I’ve forgiven you a long time ago,” I told her, and she raised her hands to hug me back as she released a trembling sigh.

Emma was still crying when I pulled away, and I smiled when I noticed her lips formed into a pout as she sniffled.

“You have a lot to tell me,” I grinned, my eyes travelling down to her belly, “How far long are you?”

She laughed, wiping her tears with the back of her hand, “Four months.”

“Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Maxon, he’s the doctor inside, happens to be my mate too. I met him when I first moved into Alpha Eli’s pack.”

“I’m happy for you,” I smiled.

Reed awkwardly tried to squish himself into the doorway where Emma and I stood, shooting us an annoyed look as he finally slipped inside the clinic.

“Come on, Val,” Reed jerked his head to the direction of the room where his brother laid rest.

“I should go,” I told Emma.

Emma nodded as she wiped the remaining tears from her face, “Okay.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, and followed Reed into his brother’s designated room.

And I abruptly came to a stop on the doorway as soon as I saw Heath laying on the hospital bed, with the doctor by his side and checking his vitals.

He looked fragile.

Even in his sleep, the physical pain he was forced to endure was evident in the expression of his sleeping face. His skin pale and sickly with dark circles beneath his eyes, and his blond hair thrown everywhere into a greasy mess above his head.

Heath’s torso was wrapped neatly with a bandage, his lower half tucked beneath the white sheets with only his left leg free.

And I grew cold at the sight of the darkened veins that surrounded the damage of the bullet on Heath’s thigh, and it looked as if it grew worse in time instead of healing.

“How is he?” Reed asked as soon as Maxon was done.

Maxon stood tall and towered over Reed easily, his build slim yet fit beneath his blue sweater and black jeans. He sighed, glancing back at Heath’s sleeping form with a hard look on his face before looking back at Reed.

“It’s getting worse,” Maxon said, “The bullet left some sort of chemical and it’s quickly sabotaging his vitals. The best I can do right now is to give him a few medications for the pain. I can’t—I can’t promise that he’ll live long for this.”

It was like a knife went through Reed’s chest when he tried to grasp the information, his eyes going behind the doctor and onto his younger brother. And in a fraction of a second, I noticed how his expression shifted to show his deep-seated agony.

I didn’t think I’d see Reed look at Heath like that, even if it was for a brief moment, it was enough to tell me that he had always loved Heath.

And to witness a brother slowly withering away from life was a pain I could only imagine.

“I understand,” Reed said momentarily and glanced at the doctor, “Thank you for taking care of my brother.”

Maxon nodded, “I’ll come back in an hour to check on him again.”

Reed then walked over to the side of his brother’s bed, and placed a hand on Heath’s arm to gently nudge him awake.

Heath responded with a long intake of breath, his bloodshot eyes gingerly opening to the brightness of the room before finally settling a gaze onto me. He attempted to sit up, but Reed stopped him by pressing a hand on his chest.

“Don’t move. I’ll adjust the bed,” Reed told him, to which Heath replied with the roll of his eyes.

“I’ll give you guys some time, I’ll come back with some water,” Reed landed a soft pat on Heath’s shoulder, before making his leave from the room.

I slowly walked closer to his bed, my eyes falling to his open hand rested by his side, and I didn’t hesitate to take it and give it a light squeeze as I sat down on the chair settled close to his bed.

“Hey,” I said, and I grinned when Heath’s hand returned my gesture with a light squeeze from his hand.

A weak smile made its way to his lips, and it pained me to see how the mischievous glint in his eyes had dimmed down into something that was close to nothingness.

And the sight alone had tears stinging my eyes, a hard look settling itself on my face as I struggled with the familiar ache in my chest.

“Come on, Valerie,” Heath chuckled, his voice throaty and dry as he lowered his head to try and catch my eyes, “Don’t give me that look too. Reed’s been giving me the same thing since yesterday, and it’s depressing enough for me.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I sighed and gave him a small smile.

“You doing good?” he questioned.

“I should be the one asking you that.”

“It’s obvious enough as it is,” he rolled his eyes, “I’m in pain. What else do you need to know?”

“I’m okay, Heath,” I released a weak laugh. I was glad to know that he was still as lippy as before.

“No, you’re not,” Heath shook his head, giving a light squeeze to my hand again, “I know it hurts that Killian’s gone, but he did it for the pack and you. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if those dipshits get their hands on you.”

My eyes were cast down to our entwined hands. Heath’s words felt like it seared through my walls, and I hated how the familiar ache in my throat began to suffocate me again.

“I know, and I will never question Killian for that,” I told him, and looked up to meet his eyes with my tears finally falling free, “but it kills me to know that I couldn’t do a single thing to save him from them. He didn’t have a choice.”

Heath’s thumb brushed over the top of my hand, his features sad with understanding.

“Gael left me something before they took Killian away,” he mumbled and reached form something beneath his pillow, “he put this in my hand, and I remembered him telling me that it was a parting gift.”

He handed me a flashdrive, its silver finish smooth against the palm of my hand, and I noticed a logo imprinted on it, its detail precisely done in white.

It held a small symbol of a serpent that bared its teeth in hostility, and under it was the same set of numbers burned on the skin of Killian’s clavicle.

1.0.6.5

“A parting gift,” I repeated.

“I couldn’t let anyone know yet,” Heath said, his eyes hard on the flashdrive in my hand, “I wanted you to see it for yourself before anyone else.”

“Thank you, Heath,” I said, and gave the flashdrive one last look before shoving it inside the back pocket of my jeans.

“Reed’s a mess, isn’t he?” he mumbled, eyes distant as his thoughts went to his brother.

“Of course he is. You saw how he’d look at you, he’s worried sick,” I told him, taking notice of the sudden shift of expression on his face that I could only recognize as long-repressed sorrow.

“I—I need you to do me a favor,” Heath trailed off, glancing at the doorway before looking at me intensely, “Watch over him for me.”

“Heath,” I laughed nervously, “How can you say that, you’re not—“

“I know I won’t last long, Valerie,” he gritted out, his features splitting to reveal his turmoil as he released a shaky breath, “And when I go, Reed won’t have anyone to sit with him and grieve. When I go, he’ll be more than just a fucking mess he is now.”

Heath grabbed my hand with both of his hands, his eyes pleading and pained as he looked at me.

And I could see clearly how hard he was trying not to shed a tear in front of me, “I just need you to watch over him because I don’t want him crying at my fucking grave every time he comes for a goddamn visit.”

“Don’t make him blame him—“ Heath abruptly halted on his words. "S-shit," he gritted out, eyes shutting tight as his hands flew to his head with a tortured look on his face.

“Heath?” I breathed out and found myself frozen in shock as Heath fell back on his bed and released an agonized scream.

“Heath!” I bolted out of my seat, my hands flying to cup his face, “Maxon! Reed!”

In a matter of seconds, Maxon came running inside the room with widened eyes along with Emma, and they were quick to proceed into action as soon as they noticed Heath thrashing on the bed in pain.

I was almost too lost in my shock that I hadn’t noticed Emma pushing me away from Heath and out of the room.

“You need to go, we’ll take care of this. Heath will be fine, listen to me,” she told me, her voice leaving an echo in my head as she continued to throw me hollow hopes.

“Maxon will do everything he can. You have to stay outside, okay?” She held both of my arms, looking at me as if she was searching for something within my withdrawn gaze.

I couldn't register what else she was trying to say, but I could hear clearly the rising volume of Heath's scream from inside the room.

"Stay here, he'll be okay," Emma told me, before turning around to join Maxon in the room.

I wordlessly stepped out of the clinic, and from there I saw Reed seated at the bottom stairs of the front porch, holding his head in his hands while his brother suffered inside.

My hand hovered over his tense shoulders, but before I could land a touch on him, he released a hostile growl that was enough of a warning to keep my distance.

“Don’t,” Reed snapped without even sparing me a glance, his tone harsh and pleading not to be crossed.

I took a step back and dropped my hands to my sides, nodding as I swallowed the lump in my throat, “I’m so sorry.”

And like the coward I was, I walked away from him and the clinic until I found my way into the Northern lake where I was most free to cast my mind back to the hazy images of Killian.

I stopped at the edge of the dock and closed my eyes, my arms crossed tightly above my chest as I took in a much needed air.

“I haven’t seen you on our arrival,” a familiar voice said, and I looked over my shoulder to see Luna Adira leaning against a large tree trunk with a small smile on her face, “Everyone thought we weren’t welcome since the pack’s Luna wasn’t there to regard our presence.”

I withdrew my gaze from the female and looked back at the lake, “I’m not a Luna.”

I heard Adira release a chuckle, “Would you have prefered yourself an Alpha?”

I shook my head, fighting the urge to snarl, “There’s no title to my name, Luna Adira.”

“We both know that’s not true,” she said, “Killian is gone and left you with a pack to handle, all that’s left for you now is to fight to keep your place; It’s an open chance at proving yourself.”

My fingers curled deep into my palms as her words alone scathed me. I didn’t want anything that she was telling me, and it angered me to know that she was expecting me to bear the same greed for authority like she had.

“When will you realize that I don’t want any of that?” I snarled and turned around to meet her pointed gaze.

“Eli is planning to take your pack and you’re just gonna let him overthrow you without even trying—”

“Then let him, Adira!” I exclaimed, “I’ve lost more than a goddamn territory. Don’t fucking expect me to pursue your intentions because I never will. You don’t know loss like I do right now, and I only wish you don’t go through it like I did.”

Adira’s features were hard with rage as if I had just betrayed her, but I knew very well that it was her expectations that felt the most betrayal.

She allowed our eyes to remain locked for a moment, and I refused to be the first to break away from the silent war, weighing her down with the fullness of my threat as she openly challenged me for submission.

She was trying to prove herself against me, and I was more than willing to tear her pride.

Adira’s eyes began to waver, her shoulder curling forward as she fought back a snarl, and a rush of air went through my nose when she turned her head away from me as her defeated gaze landed on the ground.

I set my posture straight as soon as our differences were finally settled, before stepping out of her line of sight and making my leave from the Northern lake.

It was already night time when I finally went back to my den, and only the deafening silence greeted me as soon as I stepped into my home, my footsteps loud against the wooden floorboards.

And it was like my turmoil took on a greater depth as soon as I was alone.

It was loud in my thoughts, screaming at me with images of people who I have hurt and left to suffer.

Killian,

Heath,

Reed,

Even Celeste and her future that I had mercilessly ended.

I buried my face into my hands, my body trembling from the rushing chaos, and it fed the hatred that had long been directed to myself,

All because I couldn’t make the right choices.

And when all is at its end and there’s no one left to turn to, the only option you have is to look up and send your prayers for someone else to hear from above.

I walked over to the living room drawer and slid out the bottom slot, and my lips formed into a tight line when my eyes fell upon the emblem of the Moon.

All werewolves possessed the same emblem in their dens, hanging them by their windows and doors for protection and guidance. I had taken it down when I first saw it on our front door, and threw it into the drawer where it would be temporarily forgotten.

I held the emblem by its woolen string, and made my way over to the bedroom to hang it by the window.

I took a step back when I did so, and eyed the circular piece that gently swayed beneath the light of the Moon.

With eyes set straight at the emblem, I got down on my knees and sat back on the heels of my feet, placing my palms against my lap before lowering my head.

To the Moon, I had known that it was the position of submission and prayer, and I allowed myself to surrender before Her presence with the means to acknowledge my transgression.

A tear slid down my cheek when I closed my eyes, my lips quivering as I recalled the old line of prayer in my head. And it almost felt as if the moonlight hitting my skin burned through my walls, rendering me bare and vulnerable before Her judgment.

“By skin and wild, I submit the entirety of myself to you, my Moon,” I weakly cited, and from there I sent my silent prayer for the many times that I’d wronged Her, and asked that she grant everyone I’d known the protection that they’ve always needed.

“I am in no position to receive your mercy, and I don’t think I ever will,” I looked down at my lap, watching the tears fall free and land on the back of my hands as I allowed my pain to bleed out, “but if you’re listening, please—,”

I sobbed and looked up at the emblem, only to see it hanging eerily still with the precise details of the moon facing me straight,

“—please, bring Killian back to me,”