Sincerely

My mother, Cleo and Toby all retired to their own new rooms and Josh to his. I and Deckard were left in the living room with the flickering TV. Neither of us had any idea what was playing, we weren’t paying it much attention.

We were lying on the couch, Deckard was pressed against the back, laying half on me and I was on the main part of the couch. I was enjoying this little alone time, because I, my mother, Josh and Cleo had talked about where we were going next, it was out of state so they had fewer chances of finding us or connecting the location to us. Josh and my mother weren’t coming with us, if they disappeared, the police would know they were involved in hiding us, and we didn’t want to risk more lives than we had to.

So, in the morning, I, Deck, Cleo and Toby would be packing up to leave for a cabin of a friend of my mother’s. It only got used in the summer, so we’d have months before anyone wanted to use it, seeing as it was currently the dead of winter. We would be safe there for a while.

Deckard moved beside me, kissing my cheek lightly. His temperature had returned to normal after coming in from the cold.

Cleo had given me the short rundown of why she wanted Toby back. She had stayed with my father while Toby was growing inside of her, for bonding and safety purposes. She also did minimal chores and helped around the house as long as it didn’t hurt or hinder the pregnancy. My father had told her to take some things up to the attic of the house he lived in at the time and that was when she spotted a box labelled “Family Photos”. She, of course, knowing nothing about me or my mother, became curious and looked inside. She found the photos of us, I was surprised to hear he’d kept them.

She asked him what happened to us, and thinking she wouldn’t have an opinion because she was an android, he told her the truth. I had come out and my and my mother’s beliefs differed causing a rift and at the time we weren’t talking.

Cleo had expressed that she was worried the same would happen to Toby if he liked boys or decided he wasn’t a boy or something else that made life difficult for my father when he was older. He had already barded Cleo from seeing him once the courts deemed Toby was rightfully my father’s as Cleo was a surrogate and had given up her rights the moment she was made.

Somehow, my father wasn’t in the wrong at all. I didn’t understand how people like my father or Huxley got away with things like that. He wasn’t what was best for Toby, you know if Cleo hadn’t been looking for Toby, he and I never would have met. I was an object to my father and so was Toby. We were used to impress society, instead of being loved and cherished for who we were, people, plain and simple.

“We’re leaving tomorrow, okay?” I murmured against Deckard’s hair.

He looked up at me.

“Where?” he asked quietly.

“Out of state, to a cabin, just so we have fewer connections to people I know, this place will be one of the first places they look, it won’t take them long to find out we were here because of my father. Josh is going to stay and lie to the police that he woke up and we were gone and he never knew you were an android,” I explained. “My mother’s staying behind here, too.”

Deckard hugged me tighter, as if trying to comfort me, but I knew all of this was necessary to protect him, Toby and Cleo. As much as it hurt, it was the right thing, they were all innocent, and someone had to fight for them. It might as well be me, Elias, Alcuin and Greyson. One FBI agent, two officers, one criminal, and a bunch of deviants. Sounded about right.

Deckard had removed his gloves once everyone left the living room, he reached out and took my hand again, his skin tone receding and his hand turning white again. He seemed less bothered by it with just me around. Our fingers intertwined together. His lips found mine in the semi-darkness. We were lost in each other’s affection for a few brief minutes before I had to pull away to breathe again.

“Take it easy,” I whispered against his ear while I caught my breath.

“I like kissing you though,” he replied, looking me over concerned as if I didn’t like it.

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it, but I need to breathe, too, Deck,” I commented.

His eyes mulled over me again before he pressed them to my neck. I was surprised again and my breath caught in my throat. I had liked him kissing me before and it was exciting, but I was worried he was doing this to please me in some way and I didn’t want that.

I had to pull myself away from him and sit up eventually, I didn’t want this, not now.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking up at me confused.

“I don’t want this, not right now,” I replied quietly, our hands slipped out of each other and his hand’s skin tone came back.

He looked worried.

“Did I hurt you?” Deckard asked.

I shook my head.

“I’m going to go to sleep,” I whispered quietly walking away.

Deckard didn’t say anything, he let me go.

I fled to the bedroom and lay in the bed, in the darkness, by myself. Sexual things didn’t interest me, not to say I’d never done things with people, but I just felt it was unnecessary, I still cared about Deckard, and I thought if anything because we couldn’t do sexual things it would make it easier, but I guess I shouldn’t have assumed that. I should have made my boundaries clearer, that was my fault.

I lay in the bed, I felt bad leaving him on the couch without an explanation but I had felt trapped and suffocated so I fled making sure I was alright before worrying about him. I felt guilty, even though I had the right to say no. My brain was muddled by how to explain this to him. It wouldn’t be easy, but at least I didn’t have to worry about him judging me as much. He had a vast database that could tell him asexuality was real, I couldn’t expect him to be asexual just because he was an android either, I guess.

Maybe he was just trying to make me feel good and it had nothing to do with sex but I still had to know I guess.

I fell asleep in bed, stressed out from everything that happened today. The car ride would be awkward tomorrow unless I could explain everything to him before then, but I knew it wouldn’t be that simple. It was never that simple.

Feelings were complicated and messy, and as much as we try to make sense of them, it’s never easy. That was why everyone thought having androids that could avoid all those was great, no hesitation, no betrayals, they did what they were told. Until it cost innocent lives, then they blamed deviancy.