Sin Bin (Carolina Comets #4)

Six hours.

That’s how long I have to go until I get to see Smith again. The Comets have been on a four-game road trip, and going so many days without seeing Smith feels wrong.

I miss him.

I know I shouldn’t because getting attached to him is a horrible idea, but I can’t help it. Spending time with him is quickly becoming my favorite thing to do. It’s not just the sex either—though that is incredible. It’s more than that. It’s the nights we spend curled on the couch watching a movie, or the times when I’ll read while he does recovery on his quads with the massage gun. And, okay, fine, it’s also the nights when he strips me bare and makes me beg for mercy.

Even though I’m more swamped than ever with work, I can’t remember a time when I’ve been this content. I feel good, happy, and there is absolutely no denying that it’s all because of Smith.

I wish I could bottle this feeling and keep it forever, especially since I know that as long as he’s playing for the Comets and I’m working for them, it can never last.

Hollis’ idea of who has to know works for now, but I know we’ll never be fortunate for it to last forever.

For now, I’m going to keep shoving down all the ways I know this is wrong and enjoy all the right ones while our time bomb keeps ticking away.

“Emilia!”

My head snaps up at Tori’s abrupt entrance. “Yes?”

“My office. Five minutes.”

Her words are short and clipped, but they always are. Her face is giving nothing away either; it’s almost like she’s bored.

But I know that’s not the case. The way her eyes are locked on me…something is off, something I can’t quite place my finger on, but whatever it is, I know I don’t like it.

I nod. “Okay.”

She tips her head, studying me. Then with a final nod, she disappears down the hall.

I swallow back the dread that begins to work its way up my throat and hit save on the posts I’m drafting. I rise from my desk, not missing the way my legs wobble, and take a deep breath.

Does she know about Smith? Is that what this is? Am I getting fired?

No, no, no. There’s no way for her to know. We’ve been careful, professional every minute we’re at work. Not a single slip up while we’re on the clock. If she knows, she’s damn good at reading people.

Still…I’m nervous.

Tick.

I take a tentative step toward her office, then another. Several other staff members are looking my way, some sending sympathetic smiles, and I wonder for a moment if they can hear my heart trying to beat out of my chest. If they can hear the hitch in my breath. If they know something I don’t.

“Psst!” I peek over my shoulder to find Blake poking his head out from the break room. “What’s going on?”

I shrug. “No clue.”

His eyes dart toward Tori’s office, then back to me, and I hate the terror I see in his eyes. “She seems off.”

Great—it’s not just me picking up on that.

“Good luck,” he says, and I can see the sympathy and worry in his eyes. I don’t like that either.

Slowly, I continue to Tori’s office, making sure not to rush but also not taking too much time. Somehow, I know I’m already walking a fine line, and I’d rather not make whatever this is any worse.

Tick.

“Close the door,” Tori says calmly when I step into her office, not bothering to look up at me.

I press the heavy door closed, then take a seat opposite her. She continues scribbling something while I try to hide the way my hands are shaking. I fold them into my lap, hoping she doesn’t catch it.

Only then does she set her pen aside and meet my eyes.

“Do you know why I asked you in here?”

To fire me. “Um…no?”

It comes out as a question, and by the lift of her brow, I know she doesn’t like it.

“As of the end of April, I will no longer work for the Comets organization. I’ll be going to the board on Monday to inform them of the decision as well as to officially nominate you for the open director position.”

Relief floods me, not just because this isn’t about Smith and me, but because I got it. It’s not official yet since the board has to approve it, sure, but with Tori’s recommendation, it’s nearly a sure thing.

“However, there is something we need to address.”

Tick.

I swallow.

She opens a drawer on her desk and pulls out a tablet. She sets it on her desk, then folds her hands together, setting a sharp gaze on me.

“Is there anything you’d like for me to know, Emilia?”

Yes. I’m sleeping with Smith. I’m breaking rules. I’m not the dutiful employee you think I am.

I should say all of that. I know that.

But…I don’t.

Instead, I push my shoulders back and I tell her, “No.”

The corners of her mouth pull down at my answer, and she sighs. “All right, then.”

She turns the tablet on, then swipes a few times before flipping it my way and setting it in front of me. She dips her head toward it, but I don’t look.

I can’t.

Because I have a feeling that whatever she’s showing me is evidence. And it’s damning.

“You forgot to log out.”

BOOM!

My whole world explodes.

I close my eyes, trying to will away the tears that are stinging and threatening to spill.

“How long?” she asks quietly.

“Over two years.”

She sucks in a sharp breath, and I finally peel my eyes open.

“I met him when I moved here. It was just a one-time thing. We didn’t exchange last names or talk about our jobs. When the next season rolled around…” I trail off, remembering that crushing feeling when our eyes caught across the room for the first time in months. “We didn’t know, I swear, and when we realized it, we didn’t have any contact outside of work and kept our contact at work to a minimum. I always had Blake cover anything to do with him until…”

“The player profile.”

I nod. “Until then.”

She twists her lips together, studying me as she drums her fingernails on the desk.

This is it for me. I know it is. I’m losing my job and everything I’ve been working so hard for. My uncle is going to be so disappointed in me.

Hell, I’m disappointed in myself.

After what feels like hours of her just staring at me, finally, she sighs, leaning forward.

“You’re an incredible asset to this team, Emilia, and I truly believe so much of our growth in the past year has been thanks to the fresh ideas you bring to the team.”

I try hard not to let my mouth fall open. This is the nicest she’s ever been to me, and I’m shocked. And I’m just as shocked to see nothing but compassion in her usually fiery gaze.

“What I’m about to say doesn’t leave this room. Understood?”

I nod.

She clears her throat. “Maybe it’s my pregnancy hormones talking or maybe it’s because I know I’m not going to find anyone else to do this job as well as I have, but because of your dedication to this team and this organization, and because I truly do think you are the best replacement, I am willing to overlook this…transgression and give you the opportunity to stay. However, if you stay, you need to know whatever it is you have going on with Owen Smith is over. The board will not be as lenient and understanding as me.”

This time, my jaw does drop, and I don’t even bother trying to hide it. She’s…giving me another chance? If it is her hormones, I don’t care. I am not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“I—”

She holds her hand up, stopping me. “No. Don’t say anything yet. Take a night. Think it over. Make sure this is what you truly want. What you’re ready to give up. If it is, I’ll go to the board on Monday with the recommendation.”

I’m speechless. Part of me wants to scream at her that I don’t need time to think about it. This is what I want.

But I can’t get the words to come out, and I’m not sure why. Possibly because the idea of walking away from Smith again…it makes my stomach sink.

We knew this day was coming. This thing we’ve been doing, this bubble we’ve been living in…we knew it was temporary from the beginning.

Now, it’s time to let it go.

Smith has been married to hockey his entire life. He knows what it’s like to want to give something your all.

He’ll understand.

He has to…right?

I’ve been sitting in my car outside Smith’s apartment for nearly thirty minutes now. His game ended two hours ago, and by my calculations, he should have gotten to his apartment just before I pulled up, which means he should be upstairs waiting for me because that’s what we do. That’s our routine.

Funny, because we were never supposed to have any of those, but we do.

Did.

Yeah, I broke the rules and slept with a player. But my worst offense of all? I got attached. I got attached, and now I have to let him go.

I don’t want to let him go.

There’s a sharp knock on my window, and I jump at the sudden intrusion.

When my gaze focuses on what’s in front of me, I realize it’s Smith. He’s staring down at me with his brows pinched tightly, head tipped to the side, probably completely confused as to why I’m just sitting in my car and not racing up to his apartment to crawl beneath his sheets.

It’s because I’m scared.

I’m scared if I go up there, I won’t be able to do it. I’m scared if I go up there, I’ll want to stay. I’m scared if I go up there, I’m going to realize everything I’m giving up.

And more than all of those reasons, I’m scared because if I go up there, I just might realize I’m in love with him.

With a steadying breath, I step out of my tiny car. Smith holds open the door for me. He offers me a hand, but I decline it. I probably shouldn’t be touching him. It’s for the best.

I close the door, then rest against it, staring up at the building that holds so many memories for me.

Smith’s been to my apartment a few times, but having him there never felt like it should. This place? This place feels right. It feels like home.

Or at least it used to.

He steps in front of me, his knuckles grazing under my chin as he tips my face up to his, those damn watchful ochre eyes of his boring into me and trying to find all my secrets.

I decide it’s best to just rip the Band-Aid off.

“I talked with Tori today.”

His nostrils flare, and it’s the only indication that he heard me.

“I got the promotion.”

He sighs with relief, much the same way I did in her office, then he presses his forehead against mine, his hand crashing into my hair like it always does.

“That’s amazing, Emilia. I’m so proud of you.”

His words are genuine. I can tell they are, and it makes my heart hurt even more.

“You deserve this. It’s everything you’ve wanted. It’s—”

“She knows, Smith.” I pull back, meeting his eyes. “She knows about us.”

“Ho…” He shakes his head. “How?”

“I connected my phone to a tablet at work. We do it all the time so we can get texts while we’re working and not have to worry about carrying around multiple devices, and I…I didn’t disconnect it. Which means…”

My words trail off, but he nods, understanding where I’m going.

“Our texts. She saw our texts.”

“Everything. All of it. I’m so sorry.”

I try so hard to fight back the tears that are so close to spilling free, but it’s pointless. They fall anyway.

“Hey, shh. It’s okay,” he says, pressing a kiss to my forehead and then bending slightly to meet my eyes. “It’s all right. I—”

“No.” I shake my head. “You don’t get it. It’s not all right. I—”

I watch it happen in real time, the truth hitting him. First, his eyes darken, then his pupils dilate. His breaths change, coming in shorter, sharper. And finally, he drops his hold on me, putting entirely too much space between us.

“I’m choosing the job, Smith,” I tell him quietly. “I have to.”

He doesn’t move. He doesn’t even blink, and for a moment, I wonder if he heard me at all.

Then, he blows out a heavy breath. “Okay.”

“Okay?” He nods, and it pisses me off for some reason. “Just okay?”

His eyes harden. “What do you want me to say, Emilia? You’ve already made up your mind. This is what you wanted from the beginning, and now you’re getting it. I get it. I understand. I’m not some young guy who is going to go off the handle about this. I’m too old for dramatics. It’s your job, and that’s important. I understand.”

I knew he would, but for some reason, I can’t help but wish he were a little more upset about this, wish he cared more about losing me, wish he wanted to fight for me.

But I know his hands are tied. He’s a professional hockey player under contract. Of course this was going to end like this. We always knew it would.

I just didn’t think saying goodbye would hurt this badly.

“It was fun, though, right?”

I hate his flippant tone. Hate the way he’s standing there stoic and unflinching. Like none of this hurts him. Like he’s not feeling an ounce of the same heartache I am.

Was this all in my head? Did I build us up to be something more?

I want to tell myself it’s just a coping mechanism and he’s just trying to convince himself he doesn’t care but deep down he really does.

But I’m not so sure.

All I know is that whatever bubble we’ve been hiding in, it’s long gone.

And this time, it’s for good.

When I walk into the arena, I shove my shoulders back and will myself not to cry.

I managed to get my tears to stop long enough this morning to apply my mascara and drive to work without wrecking. Hell, I didn’t even cry until I pulled into the parking lot.

Now that I’m here and walking through these doors, I want to cry again.

Usually, I’m eager to come to work. I love my job.

But right now? Right now, I hate it.

I hate it because I love it, and because I love it, I went and got myself brokenhearted.

“Hey, kiddo. How’s it going?”

I startle at the sudden voice of my uncle, surprised that when I glance to my right, he’s walking right next to me.

Was I so stuck in my head that I didn’t hear him walking up?

“Good morning, Mr. Martin,” I tell him.

He frowns. “What’d I tell you about calling me that? It’s…”

“Professional?” I counter with a grin.

“Weird. I understand calling the players by their last names, but not your uncle.”

The smile on my face falls when he mentions the players because my mind automatically goes to Smith.

Smith and the way his eyes changed right in front of me last night. Smith and the way he let me walk away.

Smith and the way my heart broke leaving him there.

“Oh. What was that look for?”

“What look?”

“The frown that just popped up out of nowhere.”

“I didn’t frown.”

Uncle Jared places his hand on my arm, pulling me to a stop. His sharp eyes bore into me, and I hate how his stare penetrates the shield I’ve tried to construct.

He knows something is wrong.

Then his eyes flash wide, and he grabs my arm, hauling me off to the side of the hall, his brows tightly together.

He bends his head near mine, eyes dark and angry. “Did one of my players do something to you? Did they hurt you?”

“What?” It comes out a squeak. “No! God, no. It’s not that.”

I mean, it is. But not in the way he’s thinking. And really, did he hurt me? Or did I hurt myself? I knew getting involved with Smith was a bad idea from the start. I set myself up for this heartbreak.

“Are you sure? Because I swear to god, Emilia, I’ll—”

“No,” I cut him off. “It’s…no. Nobody did anything to me, Uncle Jared. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

Now he’s the one frowning. “I don’t like you lying to me, kiddo.”

I can’t help but grin because of course he knows I’m lying to him. He’s been my rock for most of my life. He can sense it.

“I got the promotion,” I tell him. “I’m on my way to tell Tori right now that I accept it.”

“What?” The biggest smile I’ve ever seen replaces his frown. “That’s fantastic! You deserve it!”

“I know.” I nod, agreeing with him because I do deserve it.

His smile falters, and it’s always funny to see him slip into protective parent mode when he’s not technically my parent.

“You don’t look happy about it. Why not?”

“It’s just…” I blow out a breath. “I’m going to have to give up a lot for it.”

“Your free time?” He laughs lightly. “Tell me about it. Working for an NHL team is no joke. But I know you can handle it. If you want to, of course.”

I swallow the lump that’s been forming in my throat.

He doesn’t miss it.

“Do you want to?”

“Yes!” Another loud squeak. I clear my throat. “Yes,” I say again quietly. I nibble on my bottom lip, trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about this without spilling my secret. Smith’s secret. “Of course I want to. It’s just…if I take this job, things will have to…change.”

His brows are back to the same concerned position as before as he processes my words. “I’m not entirely sure I’m following.”

I think I’m falling for your player.

I think I’m falling for your player, and I have no business falling for him.

I want so badly to confess everything to him, but I’m not sure I’m ready for his I’m not mad, just disappointed look I know I’ll get.

So, I don’t tell him.

“I think I’m just being silly.” I wave my hand flippantly. “Nerves, you know? Big changes and all that.”

He tips his head to the side, watching me. All I can do is pray he believes it and lets it go because I genuinely don’t know much longer I can stand here and not fall apart in front of him. Especially if he keeps looking at me like he is.

Slowly, he straightens his head, then exhales heavily.

“I’m going to give it to you straight, all right?” I nod. “It’s not going to be easy. In fact, it will probably really suck for a while. But it will get better. One day, you’ll wake up, and everything with just be easier. It won’t feel so heavy. It’ll be like it was before. If anyone can endure this, it’s you.”

His words strike me in the chest like a missile hitting its target.

I know he thinks this is still about the promotion but his words… His words work on a level he’s not even aware of.

And they are everything I needed to hear.

“You’re strong, kiddo. Stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’ve got this.”

His confidence in me astounds me, because it reminds me of the same faith Smith has in me. And everything hurts all over again.

But of course I can’t tell him that.

Instead, I give him the best grin I can muster and say, “Thanks, Uncle Jared. I…I needed that pep talk. I’m going to talk with Tori.”

“I think that’s a good idea. Maybe dinner one night this week?”

“Sure.” I give him another wobbly grin, then step around him, heading for the elevators.

I’m several feet away when he calls my name again.

“Yeah?” I ask, turning back.

“I’m always here for you, kiddo. Always. No matter what.”

There’s something in his words that makes me think he might understand more of what’s going on than I think.

That’s not possible, though, and I know that.

“Thanks,” I mutter, and he nods.

I don’t hang around, hustling toward the elevator at the fastest speed I can without making it look like I’m running away, which I am.

As luck would have it, the elevator is just a floor away, and I rush onto it faster than I ever before, letting out a long breath when the doors close and I’m alone.

I didn’t like the way he was watching me. Like he just knew I was lying to him.

I really, really hate lying to him.

But what’s the point in telling him now? The thing with Smith…it’s done. We’re done.

The car arrives on the social media floor as if it’s a sign.

With a steadying breath, I exit the car and make my way to Tori’s office, forcing my head up high as I rap my knuckles three times against the intimidating door in front of me.

“Come in!” I hear.

I push the door open and then walk inside Tori’s office. I don’t bother sitting down, choosing to stand.

This won’t take long anyway.

When she realizes it’s me standing there, she sits back, hand going to the bump protruding out of her belly, a reminder that soon she won’t be here and it will be me sitting behind that desk.

“Well?” she says by way of greeting, clicking the pen in her hand several times, waiting eagerly for my answer.

I shove my shoulders back, tipping my chin up. “I’m in.”

“Good. That’s good.” A grin curves her lips, and she looks incredibly satisfied by my choice. “Effective immediately, you’re no longer working on the player profile. Blake will take over the project, and you will start shadowing me so we can make this transition as smooth as possible for all involved. Understood?”

I nod. “Yes.”

“Excellent.”

She ducks her head back down, returning to whatever it was she was working on before, and I know enough to understand that means our meeting is over. I head for the door, and just as I’m about to pull it open, she calls my name.

I spin around. “Yes?”

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re making the right decision.”

I give her a tight smile and then close the door. I press my back against the wall just beside it, holding my hand to my chest, my heart feeling like it’s about to leap out of my chest.

If it’s the right decision, why does it feel so damn wrong?