She Accepted Divorce He Panicked Novel by Nyx Rai

054 Undesired

Sebastian’s POV

She doesn’t love me anymore. Still having a hard time getting used to it, but I can’t deny that anymore.

It’s not supposed to be like this, but I feel like I lost something precious. How could you feel bad for losing something you never wanted in the first place? How is that fair?! I didn’t want it, but she forced her love into my hand, and now she is taking it back, still with force. I never had a chance to make a decision in this.

Never in my life, have I ever felt what “unreachable desire” is.

I never knew what I had until it was lost. But it was gone too fast. One second, it was as solid as the ground under my feet, and the next second it was just gone. How could someone shut down their love, so firm and decisive?

She didn’t just take care of our house, she built a home for us. When I “go home“, she should be there. With a smile, in a lingerie, cooking. Anything. It was a place where no problem could penetrate, where I could rest and refresh for the next day. She made it so safe that I never even considered that it could be gone.

How could she just…leave?

I don’t even know what exactly went wrong. I mean, I didn’t treat her the best, I know that now, and I want to amend. But I don’t even know where to start.

At first I thought I went too far when I “accepted” her divorce papers, but she accused me of seeing her as a blood vessel; later I thought it was because of the past few months when I was occupied by Ava’s surgery, but then it was about the one time kiss that she should never know about; I thought it was because I didn’t give her the love she required, only to be told that I misunderstood her this whole time.

I keep apologizing, and every time I do, I have to find out that there is still more and meaner things that I have done to her.

I never knew I could be so cruel. And I can’t even justify any of those. How could I have been so blind, for so long?

Why did I think of her as such a vicious, evil, unreasonable person for so long, but

I now I can’t even find a shred of evidence to prove that?

I mean, aside from Ava’s words.

I don’t want to think in that direction, but when I took out Ava’s weight on my judgment of Scar, I suddenly found the judgment empty.

“I don’t want a divorce,” I open with as genuine a tone as I can manage, “I know we have I know I have problems, but I’m willing to work on them. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you five years ago, and I wasn’t happy when I got into the marriage, but even then, I never considered ending it. It wasn’t my way of tricking you into helping Ava. Marriage is sacred to me, and I intend to honor my decision.”

Scar looks surprised, and that enlightenment hurts. I think at some point she was about to laugh, but she didn’t.

I dare not hope it’s because she still cares about my feelings. I guess it was her basic manner.

How did I mess up my marriage so badly?

Scar opens her mouth, only to pursue them. And then again. She wants to say something, and I can literally see her effort of trying to make them less hurtful. I have seen that process on her countless times – when she loved me.

I dare not to fathom her motivation behind it now.

I thought she would throw my horrible actions at my face. I thought she would be cold and sarcastic like before, and I was ready for that..

But she didn’t. She throws me the one question I couldn’t answer-

“Can you love me…ever?”

I look into her eyes, and there is no hope, like before. She used to ask me that question, all the time. She was hopeful at first, asking if someday I could “love her like how I love Ava“; later it became a hopeful begging like “Would I ever get a corner in your heart?“. In the end, it was more desperation than hope, like she was looking for some last straw when she would say “If only someday…you can see me.”

I guess I never did.

I thought I was making a compromise by staying in the marriage, and I never knew Ow much I had been taking for granted.

But I can’t get the word “yes” out of my mouth.

I’m not sure if I could give her what she wanted, but that’s not even the problem. I can’t say it because I can see in her eyes- She is no longer looking for that.