Shaun Phillips and The Hat of All Hats

4th grade boys don’t usually get this excited about hats but there was something about that old thing that drew me in.

In the car, I noticed some writing stitched inside the hat.

“If trouble should arise, tip the cap and close your eyes.

If your adventure goes array, it’s time to finish up and say…

‘For all that has come to be today in fancy, force and grace, I tip my cap and send you back unto your rightful place.’”

It looked like instructions; but I didn’t know why anyone would need instructions on how to wear a hat. You take it and put it on your head. It sounded pretty easy to me. Yet reading those instructions sent a shiver down my spine.

When we arrived at home, I helped my mom bring the bags inside. Then I went straight for the bathroom mirror so I could look at myself wearing the hat a bit longer.

“Shaun,” Mom called. “You need to start your homework.”

“Can I wait and start it after dinner instead? Please. I promise I’ll work really hard on it then.”

“No. The sooner you start your homework, the sooner it will be done and the more time you’ll have for something fun afterward. So hop to it!”

“Fine.” I sighed and pouted all the way up to my room.

The only homework I had to do that night was study a list of spelling words. They were from a story that we had been reading in Language Arts about a boy who grew up on a farm. The book was okay but the spelling words that came with it were long and hard to memorize. I didn’t understand why we had to practice spelling in the first place. I’m pretty sure that computers and cell phones checked the spelling for us.

Instead of wasting time, I got out my blocks and my box of action figures. I built a castle and pretended that it was guarded by a fire breathing dragon. He flew around and spit flames on people in the village below as they ran for their lives!

Suddenly I heard the loudest and most terrifying sound ever.

“Schreeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzz!”

I looked up and saw something flying around the room. It was going so fast that it was just a blur. But when it came to a halt I couldn’t believe what I saw. There was a dragon in- my- room! A real dragon! He was dark brown with a green thorny back, just like the toy dragon on the castle. He wasn’t very big but he sure seemed vicious. I ducked as he flew by. Then he came back around and headed right toward me! At that point it was time to run! I left my bedroom and booked it across the hallway.

I slid down the staircase railing and ran through the living room. I’d like to think that I’m quick on my feet but that fiery creature was just as a fast. He was only inches behind me as I ran another lap through the living room and dining room. When I got to the kitchen I almost slammed into Mom as she was cooking.

“Look out, Mom!” I shouted as I ran past her.

“Ah!!!!” She turned around and screamed.

“Schreeeeezzzzz!”

The dragon didn’t try to attack her though. For some reason he only came after me! And he wouldn’t stop!

Have you ever tried to outrun a dragon? Trust me it’s not easy! My clothes smelled like rotten eggs and I definitely had dragon burn on my butt!

I ran and hid under the dining room table. The dragon circled the room and let out a horrible sound. Then he took a deep breath, blew a huge flame and set the dining room curtains on fire! This set the smoke detector off and then the sprinkler system kicked in. A second later I heard the front door open.

“I’m home!” My dad greeted us as he came through the door. Then he stood is shock watching the crazy scene. “What on earth…?”

“Daddy!” Katie cried, as she came running down the stairs screaming.

“We need to get outside now!” Mom yelled, picking up Katie and rushing out the door.

Dad followed right behind them.

Meanwhile, I was still hiding under the table.

“Schreeeeeez!”

Believe me, if you had told me that one day I’d be cornered by a dragon, I would have thought you were kidding. But there I was cowering under the table while Lord Puff Puff stood guard! I needed a plan and fast! I knew if I could just create some sort of distraction then maybe I could get out. Thinking really hard, I went with the first thing that came to mind. I took off my pants and threw them across the room. When the dragon flew toward the clothes, I made a run for the door in my shirt and underwear!

As I got outside and wiped the sweat from my forehead, I realized that I was still wearing my hat. I had no idea what would happen but I tipped the cap and recited the words that were written in it.

“For all that has come to be today in fancy, force and grace, I tip my cap, and send you back, unto your rightful place.”

“Ptssssssss………. Pop!”

There was a really loud snap and fizz sound like someone was opening a can of soda. That was followed by a big pop. Then everything went back to the way it was before. Just like that! The dragon was gone, the fire was out, the alarm stopped ringing and I was wearing pants again!

Mom, Dad, Katie, and I all stood in the front yard breathing heavily and looking up at the house.

“What just happened!?” Dad asked.

“That was awful!” Mom said.

“That was scary!” Katie cried.

“That was great!” I added. Of course I also got weird looks from my family.

“Is everything okay?” Our neighbor Gladys Wilson asked as she came rushing over to our yard with her husband Roger.

“Would you like us to call the fire department?” He asked.

“Oh, that’s okay.” Dad told them. “I think it’s under control now but thank you for your concern.”

“I…uh…burnt something on the stove.” Mom explained. “It must have set off the smoke alarm.”

Mr. and Mrs. Wilson seemed okay with my parents’ story. They said goodbye and walked back over to their yard. We took a few more breaths and the headed back inside our house. The furniture and everything else that was knocked over during my dragon battle was all back in order.

“Everything looks okay.” Dad said, as he went and sat down in the living room. Katie snuggled up next to him.

“I have to finish what I was cooking.” Mom said. “But we will be talking about this over dinner, Shaun.”

“Okay, if we must.” I shrugged.

“Dinner in twenty minutes.” She called, as she headed back into the kitchen.