Sentilia

We walked along a small path that descended under the gigantic cliff. It was a beautiful cave. In reality, it was just a pile of rocks. Rocks are the only thing we see on my side of the world. But small trees, hanging plants and vines covered these caves. The floors weren’t submerged, so we made our way inside.

K took a few steps forwards. It was pretty dark, and I was uncomfortable. He was walking too fast. I stopped dead in my tracks. “Don’t you have something we can carry with us, to light our way?” I tried to sound very casual, but apparently I didn’t fool him.

He chuckled and made his way back towards me. I rolled my eyes and muttered: “Sorry for being human.” I couldn’t control my fears, and I couldn’t continue without being able to suppress what I felt. Darkness was the only thing I feared, without really knowing why; I just couldn’t help it. I could probably control it on my side of the world, knowing nothing is dangerous there, but here...who knew what kind of creatures or dangers would be lurking in these caves.

Kleio stopped in front of me, smiled and looked down. He almost seemed sad for a moment before saying: “Max, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes—” Now he was the one starting to scare me. What could be so bad that he had to ask me twice?

“There’s quite a while we have to go in the dark. You can hold on to me, there’s no danger. I’ll never let anything happen to you, I promise.

“C’mon, sweetie.”

I grabbed his arm, and he instinctively wrapped both arms around me, careful not to touch my injured arm. My arm was numb now; I couldn’t feel the pain anymore, just a dull tingling. It felt weird and uncomfortable having my arm pinned on my body. I felt crippled. “I’m taking the stupid sling off, K.”

“Fine.” I liked that he didn’t baby me.

I threw it on the floor, and went back to cowering to his side.

I felt better to be close to him; he made me feel safe. Though it wasn’t supposed to be in our nature to be apprehensive, I wasn’t like any of the rest of them.

We walked slowly on the uneven ground, as we walked deeper into the cave, and the darkness crept up, I held on tighter to K. I heard him try to muffle his laughter. But in these caves, with echo amplifying every sound, and the lack of sight giving way to better hearing, it was impossible to miss anything.

I let go of him, but he just tightened his grip around my shoulders. I hesitantly put my arm back around his waist. Up ahead, I could see a ray of light giving me a slight sense of relief.

He lifted his other hand and placed it on my cheek. He took four more steps and halted. I felt him turn to face me, and I got nervous.

As if he sensed it, he said: “Shhh...there’s nothing to fear.” And as uncomfortable as I was when we had entered in the dark, I was now at ease with him next to me, and his promise to keep me safe helped me stay calm.

Here he was, facing me, not saying a word, but I already knew that he was going to kiss me. I wasn’t in a dream, even if it felt unreal. I knew that now, all my actions would have consequences. But I didn’t move, because it felt right, in the complete darkness, for him to be so close to me. I felt like I was in some other reality here. Not the way it was when I was dreaming, but in some bizarre more exiting way. Maybe it was because this would be my first kiss, or maybe it was because of this cave we were in; it was like we didn’t really exist in the silence, and the darkness, and any act done here would be the eternal secret of these walls. There was something intoxicating about that. It was he and I alone in the universe; no one else seemed to exist.

Except William, of course. He was always in my thoughts, though I seemed to have forgotten him at that moment. A second was all it took; I lost the ability to reason with myself and it seems like he knew exactly when. My mind went blank when I felt K’s breath in my mouth. It was like I couldn’t control my own body, like it moved by reflex, just before his lips connected with mine. I just kissed him back, there was nothing else to do, trapped in his arms, in this isolated cave.

We kissed lightly: he was being careful with me.

I hadn’t noticed it was cold in the cave until I was pinned to his warm body. His warmth slowly started invading my body, which shivered in response.

I thought K had misinterpreted my shiver, because it seemed to have a ferocious effect on him. His arms were now constricting me even more, squeezing my body harder on his, and he was kissing me with a wilder passion than he did before. He occasionally breathed my name, when his mouth left mine to trace a trail along my jawline, to my ear, to my neck.

Some guilt started creeping into my head after a few moments, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything for too long. I was way, way too submerged with K’s warmth right now. I didn’t overthink anything, and that was why I was kissing him back.

It ended the same way it started: unexpectedly but naturally. I could hear his ragged breathing in my ear, “Max,” he whispered. This time the shivers were not due to the cold.

We stood there, almost intertwined, for a minute. Then, he took my hand and continued leading me forward. I wrapped my arms around him once again, feeling almost like nothing had just happened. Before sanity could catch up to me, I saw another glimpse of light to our left. Then, a third one to our right. And just a little further, there was a clearing of the ceiling of the cave that allowed for a dozen rays of sunlight to come in. We stopped just in front of it, and in the dim light, I could see that it was a slow river beneath it.

K grabbed a cord that was pinned to the cave’s wall and pulled it until the canoe at the end of it was at the very edge of the water.

He smiled and helped me in, then, came on himself.

He powered a light that was tied to the boat. We started going forward.

I felt safe in the boat, so I took the time to admire everything I saw: the reflection of the cave on the water, the speleothems K pointed out, which were wondrous limestone formations, and the smaller and bigger waterfalls that fell out of the sky just a foot away from us. I’d always known I was dreaming when I was, but now that this was reality, I felt like I was in a dream. This place was so magical, it couldn’t possibly be real. But it was.

As we were going, the ceiling of the cave was ascending. K was the one that was holding onto me now, and by the way he placed his face near mine, I knew that if I’d turn the slightest, his lips would be on mine again. But I kept staring ahead.

“Can I ask you something?” I wanted to ask him about Elis. I already knew what the answer would be, since I had met William and he was practically the same person. But if K was here and he was the same person, having seen all of my dreams with me, how come Elis wasn’t?

“Max, just wait until we get there.” His tone was firm, but I still insisted: “Just answer yes or no, please.”

He didn’t speak so I continued: “Does Elis, your best friend, exist?”

“No. But I mean, Will is essentially the same person, physically at least.” He looked at me with a strange expression.

“No, I know, I just wondered...” I didn’t finish my sentence. He seemed amused.

Even though I had known what he would say, I still felt a tiny pinch on my heart. But I had met William now, and maybe it was better in some ways, because it was my chance to start over with him. Although I thought, with what I had just done with K, I might be worst off.

All of a sudden, K turned the lantern off. I was alarmed for a second before I realized that it wasn’t pitch black like it had been in the cave’s entrance. I looked up to see what was generating this light. An opening in the cave’s ceiling, perhaps? But something about the bluish tint of the glow made me second-guess my initial thought. I was right. Millions of filaments were hanging over our heads from the cave’s ceiling, illuminating the whole cave with a beautiful enchanting glow. I was in awe of the phenomenon, staring wide-eyed and mouth open. K looked up, and was smiling peacefully. I’d bet he’d seen this a hundred times, but he still appreciated the beauty of it.

For once, K was speechless. He didn’t word an explanation, or a comment, or a sarcastic joke; he just let me enjoy the moment and soak up every minute of it without interruption.

Eventually, we passed them, and the darkness creeping meant K had to turn the lantern on again. I was left fascinated, day-dreaming. The rest of the boat ride was silent.

We reached an elevated platform, and because the ceiling was now very low, it formed a tight opening. K finally stopped the boat beside it. “Here we are.” He got up, looked at the opening and stepped forward. I grabbed his hand. He turned around. “Did you want to go first?”

“I’m not sure I understand. You want us to go through that slit? Is this a joke?”

“Max, it’s just a very short minute until we get out of the tunnel. I’ll be right beside you, you have to stop worrying. It’s the fastest way in at this time of day.” I resigned arguing with him and decided to trust him. Again. But he’d never given me any reason to doubt the trust I had in him. So it was not particularly difficult to do.

He put a foot on the brim of the breach and turned around to take my hand. The soft light of the lamp gave his face new features. I’d already established that he was handsome, but in that instant it was more than that. Maybe it was something in his eyes, or the way I was so dependent of him in that moment, but I felt like I was seeing him in a new way. Instead of taking his hand, I instinctively reached up to caress his face. It felt like the urge you get of touching a beautiful painting or a beautifully crafted table, as if you can see it better if you also feel it with your hands.

But after a second I thought: “What did I just do? This isn’t going to help me with the K vs. Will issue.” He bent back down, his face an inch from mine, his expression unreadable. I felt a frown crease my forehead as I flinched slightly. Not because I didn’t like the closeness, but because my mind suddenly pushed back against me, sending me warnings to stop. A million conflicting emotions flickered in his eyes, and in a flash they were gone. His brief chuckle had a hint of sadness, and it took me by surprise. I was still as he got up, turned around and bent his back to enter the interstice.

If I’d thought that I didn’t have feelings for him when I’d seen him at the medical facility, spending time with him brought back every conflicting emotion I’d had in my dreams.

I slowly got up to follow him, but my head was spinning. I sat back down and regained control of my thoughts, after forcing myself to get a grip. Was it so impossible for me to control my actions?

When I couldn’t see K’s feet anymore, I entered the crevice after him, trying to look natural while crawling my way in. I could feel K somewhere near me, but soon it was to dark to see anything.

“K? I can’t see, I don’t know which way to go.” Why was I whispering?

“Hold on to my arm.”

I awkwardly slithered my way, trying to hold K the least I could. I was barely touching his arm, feeling guilty about what I had done, and the regret I felt after I had done it. But at some point I had no choice but to get a better grip on him; the breach was getting more and more limited as we went. I could see a bright light up ahead, and was relieved to know we would exit this crevice sooner rather than later. It was getting hard to breathe.

We finally got out and were on our feet in an illuminated chamber. For the first time since we had entered the cave, I felt like there was or had been a human presence here. The walls were covered in yellow lights, and the two possible paths out of the chamber had been excavated by humans: the perfect half circle doorways and water bottle stands underneath them indicated so. I took a glance at my clothes while K was looking away, and came to the conclusion that I was so filthy it was useless to try and brush some of the dirt away.

“C’mon, we’re almost there.” K now wore an excited or nervous look on his face, I couldn’t tell which. We took a moment to drink some water, as we were both parched from breathing in dust in the crevice. I chuckled nervously when K winked and said: “You need to be well hydrated for this. We wouldn’t want you to faint or anything.”

He walked out into one of the tunnel and I followed without a word. I was more anxious than he was to finally get there. I hadn’t forgotten why we were here. Hopefully, I would discover the reason why my dreams had been so close to reality.

We walked through a tunnel that opened to another chamber, which was about twenty times bigger than the one before.

K’s eyes were glued to my face, observing my reaction to what I could never have predicted.