Seeking Within: Now

When I was young I can remember when we created adventures and great memories out of just some boards and some sticks. All we had was our imagination and that was just enough to do the trick. Where the act of dreaming of what it all could become, became the adventure in itself until it was all done. And although many of my childhood adventures like running a muck, always ended harmlessly enough, with nothing changed much but a return to abnormal-see, into a non-unusual programable policy.

What those seemly dull moments did offer was a world full of imagination, mystery and wonder. That childhood spark that once fueled my imagination is now but gone in retaliation. That once bright-eyed, bushy-tailed naive child has now grown up and been thrown out into the wild. Now just a sarcastic asshole who never seems to smile. All the while watching as my life is slowly rotting from the inside outing; silently screaming without shouting. Now without a canvas to paint upon, I burn it at both ends from dusk till dawn, but not until this day is done. I’m cashing out; cuz only the good die young.

I can remember not too long ago when my true emotions took over the show. The defiant me paid the toll, so I shoved them down far below and lived a life of self-control. Read, study, learn and grow into an older version without the glow. Poorer-Richer as opportunities flow. You can never reckon the two just don’t blow, all through life with no emotions to show, ‘cause it leaves you empty with nowhere to go...so own your emotions it’s your ticket to the show.

What I’ve learned is that I got it all wrong. Feeling your emotions is the tuning of thy song, into the frequency of love and the living all along. It’s the experience itself that’s life’s little song and the ultimate true expression that you indeed belong. Let me show the way, I’ll never steer you wrong. Listen to them now as the angels play our song. Tune into the station so we can both just hum along; while expressing our emotions and token on my bong.

Now let’s go back to my childhood to times that weren't as fun and address them all together. I'll speak til I'm done.

My first memories are of feeling dumb, different and alone; as I quickly learned that your emotions were never home. As the color of my skin played into people’s narrow perceptions, of me, which effected my interactions, you see. I drown in an emotional sea of imagery, with a large side of see negativity.

Even at a young age I could pick up on peoples emotional reactions. Leaving me with only to see that I Can’t Get No Satisfaction. Through adolescence I always felt second best, insecure, ill-prepared and forgotten; none-the-less. I was a confused mixed kid from the burbs still full of stupidity and nonsense, who was still rotten to the core I really must confess.

I was literally the black sheep in the family without ever a mention as to why. That is until the day I joined the Army; for me it was simply do or die. Two weeks after my eighteenth birthday is when I learned that my mother was my actual biological mother, because up until that moment I was led to believe that she really still wasn’t. The day would come when I would ask my mother why she led me to believe in her little white lie. Her response was simply that it was easier to tell a story than it was to cry.

The real truth of it all and so I was told was that she never knew my real father as he rapped her in the cold. It was late in September, in the summer of 69. Bryan Adams fingers bled as he drank his whiskey and wine. As my poor dear mother was getting rapped. I guess that was a sign.

But I get ahead of myself, as I often do. That's not what I came for, that’s not what I want to do. But I had to mention it. Why? For you! I wanted your attention and now that I’ve got it. I was always looking down but just couldn’t spot it. The feedback, the love, but instead received nothing. No emotions, no hug, just a piece of coal in my stocking. Confirmation between seven to ten would’ve been nice. Instead of pushing this lie much more than just twice. Pushing my limits and my freedoms right to the very end. Never wanting to loose but never really wanting to win. The burning of my soul, my heart and my skin, just taught me what ugly looks like from deep within. It all taught me one thing, one thing was so true. I was much different, much more different than you.

I have strong emotions and feelings to share. I need to love, be happy and care. To all my demons I now set them free. My demons now hang from my own family tree. I choose to let go now, I choose to be free. Because sitting on my emotions just makes an ass out of me.