Say You Swear

Out front, Chase jumps from his seat and runs around the hood, reaching my door right as I push it open.

He pins me with a victorious grin and reaches for my hand.

“You know.” I scoot closer to the edge, slipping my palm in his. “I’ve jumped to my feet from this very seat several times.”

“Oh, I know.” His free hand comes up, taking my other one, and I hop to the ground, his fingers tethering to mine as he draws me closer. “But tonight’s a little different.”

“Yeah, and how’s that?” I play along.

“You were here as my friend all those times.”

Something sparks in my gut. “And tonight?”

“Tonight, you’re here as my date,” he whispers, and my calves tighten. “And I’d like to kiss my girl goodnight before we go in and I don’t get the chance.”

I laugh lightly, about to respond, but something over his shoulder catches my attention, and I gently nudge him to the side.

Mason, Brady, and Cameron have stepped from the house, and unease washes over me.

My eyes roam them once more, and I take note of who’s missing. The same person I’ve searched for but haven’t set eyes on in the four days since before the gala, though I was told he came back that night, but left before morning.

Noah.

Tension wraps around my shoulders.

Cameron wrings her hands before her, opens her mouth, but her palm lifts to cover it and she shakes her head. She looks to the ground, shifting to the side, and my eyes flick toward the front door.

Soft eyes meet mine. “Hi, Ari.”

“Paige.” I frown, my stomach shrinking. “Where’s Noah?”

Her eyes widen, and she stutters, “Um, he-he’s…” She trails off, erasing the distance between us and grabs my hands. Her eyes begin to water and my teeth clench.

“Paige…” My blood runs cold. “Is he okay?”

Her lips tremble, and she shakes her head, tears falling from her eyes.

Something in me cracks, and my cheeks run warm as a sob breaks from me. Suddenly, it’s hard to breathe, and my vision blurs. I don’t realize I’m shaking until my brother’s palms latch around my forearms from behind, steadying me. I turn into him, and he whispers in my ear, but his words are muffled.

Soft hands find mine and I look up.

A broken smile curls Paige’s lips as she nods. “Can I tell you what happened?”

I quietly climb from the Tahoe, turning to look at the long line of trucks pulling into the parking lot, each one loaded down with three or four Avix Sharks football players. One by one, they file out, somberly joining us at the curbside.

Tears brim in my eyes, and I nod when his coach steps up, gripping my arms briefly, as if they understand the pain I’m in when I, myself, am still trying to figure it out.

Once all the cars have parked, Mason, Cameron, Brady, Chase, and I lead the group around the back, where the service is about to begin.

I can’t say for certain this is what Noah would have wanted, but I think it is. It feels right.

As we step around the corner, Trey and Paige come into view, both sitting in the only row of seats brought out into the yard, the officiant standing before them with a Bible in his hand. He looks up, spotting our large group and a small smile brims his lips.

It isn’t until we’re in the clearing, the pond and flower garden now in full view, that his body comes into view.

With shaky steps, I move down the small path, and with tears pooling in my eyes, I lower into the last free seat.

With trembling limbs, I look to his closed eyes, placing my palm over his folded ones, my words a croaky mess. “I’m so sorry, Noah.”

Noah’s body tenses, his eyes snapping left to find me at his side.

Shock shakes his features, but only for a moment, and then a shuddered breath blows past his lips.

His hollow gaze grows misted in an instant, and he pulls his left hand free, closing over our still clasped ones. His touch tightens, and with that, every muscle in his body seems to ease.

Mine does the opposite, the weight on my shoulders doubling as I stare at him.

He’s so sad, hurt and maybe a little hard fought anger making him up. I haven’t seen him in days, and in that time, I know he hasn’t slept much.

He’s exhausted, destroyed.

I would be too if I lost my mom.

The team begins to shuffle in behind us and Noah frowns, reluctantly looking away from me, and toward the growing crowd at our backs.

His jaw sets tight as he nods, silently thanking those he can see. Turning back to me, he nearly loses it, gratitude bleeding from his every pore.

“I thought you could use some back-up.”

He swallows, not trusting his own voice, and then his hand comes up, gliding along my cheek as he pushes my hair behind my ear. It’s the most soothing and settling sensation.

I don’t realize I’ve closed my eyes until they’re re-opening and his hand is, once again, wrapped over my own.

Past Noah’s shoulders, Paige nods, a small smile on her lips as she faces forward.

Moments later, the yard is silent as the man before us reads the eulogy of the woman who gave the world Noah Riley.

What an incredible woman she must have been.

A few hours later, we’re facing the parking lot, watching as the last truckload of football players loads up, honking on their way out of the parking lot.

Mason turns to Noah then, moving in to give him a bro-like hug, and when he steps back, he looks to me. “Are you riding back with us?”

I look to Noah. “My parents are at our place making a bunch of food, and they’ve got the firepit going. Trey and Paige were invited.”

He frowns.

“Come home?” I don’t mean to whisper. “I mean, come back. Please? You shouldn’t be alone.”

Noah nods, glances off and back again.

For some reason, I push closer and lift my chin to look at him. “I don’t want you to be alone, Noah. Please come with us.”

Though loss burns in his gaze and longing screams in the deep blue staring back, Noah’s lip twitches. His attention falls to my hand, so I take his. Something stirs in my gut and he tips his head the slightest bit.

“Ride with me.” He squeezes.

I squeeze back.

Everyone chats around me, drinks in hand and stomachs full of my mom’s best comfort food. Mason invited a handful of other guys who he said Noah had mentored closely as well as a few he had been close to over his four years at Avix.

I can’t believe he’s a senior. It’s his last year of college life, and his mom won’t get to see what he becomes after, whatever that might be.

He’s all alone now. He must feel so empty.

My joints stiffen and I drop my eyes to my lap.

He’s all alone…

Noah has no other family.

My head snaps up, landing on him not twenty feet away, and the pain in my back deepens.

Noah sits, staring off at nothing, Paige at his side in support.

Noah

My mind won’t stop, but it’s odd, because it’s as if my mind is blank, like nothing’s running through it, yet here I am I’m dead on my feet, winded from a race I can’t recall.

Today is a little too much, and that seems to be the theme.

Monday tests me, and Tuesday’s worse, but then Wednesday gets here and gives the other two the bird. Thursday does its damage and then Friday fucks me sideways, leading me into the weekend like ‘hold my beer.’ It’s a never-ending high rope with no bell to be rung, shredding my limbs with each attempt to scale.

I have no energy, no drive.

You have nothing, Noah.

My chin falls to my chest.

“I can guess the answer, but for the sake of asking, do you want to talk about it?” Paige eases, her voice hesitant, but tender.

Shaking my head, I force myself to look to her.

She sits one chair over, her body twisted, so she’s facing me, a hot cup of tea in her hand. Paige smiles, dropping her head against the back of the chair as she watches me.

Her nose turns a little red and she tugs her mouth to one side, trying to fight the tears consuming her.

I want to look away, I don’t want sympathy and I hate that how I’m feeling is affecting the people around me. I don’t want anyone sad because of me.

I don’t want anyone to feel what I’m feeling.

Completely and totally defenseless.

“Paige.” I reach over, placing my palm on her knee, and she sniffles through a nod.

Her eyes glide past me and her chest inflates as they come back to mine. “Has she remembered anything?”

My brows cave, and I face forward again. “Not exactly.” I think of how she mentioned orientation and her comfort in the kitchen. “Nothing she’s realized or that’s triggered anything else, as far as she’s shared anyway.”

“She called me by name.”

My head jerks toward her and Paige nods.

“I didn’t get the chance to tell her who I was. She saw me and called me by name.”

My gut spins. “What did she say?”

“She asked for you.”

Hope spears my chest, but it suffocates in the same breath.

It’s not so simple now.

Now, if Ari were to remember, there’s no guarantee.

Chase’s hand is in the pot, and all she has to do is grab hold.

Something tells me she’s close.

It’s in her eyes, a glint that was reserved for me when the universe decided to steal it.

It’s delicate, but it’s there, developing more with each passing day.

I knew when I met her, she wasn’t free to be mine, as I knew when I fell harder the climb back up would be rugged, if possible, but the knowledge of how things might end wasn’t enough for me to turn back.

The path to the three-way junction is one I’d take ten times over, no matter where it leads, because loving Arianna Johnson is worth the risk.

Being loved by her is priceless.

The time was worth the torment.

Especially when I was forced to face what I tried to deny, a possibility I hadn’t thought of before.

Falling in love with me didn’t mean she fell out of love with him.

It meant she loved us both.

I want her to love me more.

Spinning the ring my mom gave me in my pocket, I close my eyes, picturing the smile on my mom’s face the other day. It didn’t even click then, like it should have.

That was her last sunny day.

The last time her soul would shine over this cruel world before it took her from it. From me.

People say that day comes once you’ve accepted the end of your life; it’s that last burst of energy and final laughter with the ones you love, shielded as faux hope.

My mother loved only two people when she died, one was me, and the other is the girl who doesn’t remember her.

How could she accept the end when she didn’t know where it led?

Shame falls over me at the thought, and I say a silent prayer, thanking whoever will listen for the dream she was given before it was time for her to let go.

She saw me happy and that was all she ever wanted from this world.

Her son’s happiness.

I’ll do what I can to give that to you, mom. I’ll find it.

Somewhere.

Paige’s hand falls to my shoulder, and blindly, I reach up, accepting the warmth it offers, as on the inside, a frostiness is taking over, and I don’t know how to stop it.

A second hand falls to my knee, and I look up to find Mrs. Johnson’s kind eyes. “Everyone’s outside now,” she whispers, reaching up to touch my cheek, just as my mother had, and something soothes within me.

I nod and she straightens. I watch as she walks over to Ari and perches on the chair behind her. Ari, who is staring right at me, and doesn’t look away as I rise to my feet.

Clearing my throat, I gather everyone’s attention, and the chatter around us stops.

“I um…” I clear my throat again, unable to find my bearings, unsure of what I want to say and wishing I didn’t ask Mrs. Johnson to let me know when a good time might be to speak, but as I look up, right into the softest, most perfect pair of brown eyes, the words become clear.

“I woke up at dawn today. The sun hadn’t risen yet, and you couldn’t see past your hand, the fog was so thick. I knew I was about to walk through a nightmare, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to make it to nightfall, but then you showed up.” I speak, staring into Ari’s eyes, watching as hers grow glossy, before I face everyone. “See, my mom, she was a selfless woman, the most selfless person I’ve ever known, in fact. All my life I witnessed her going out of her way to help and please others, taking little to no care for herself. It took me a long time to realize that was how she liked it.

“If she wasn’t doing something to make my or someone else’s life better, then she wasn’t doing it at all. She was kind and generous in that way.” I square my shoulders, looking around the groups of people. “I thought I’d stand before the pastor today, just me and my mom, and I thought that was all I needed, but I was wrong. She deserved more than that.”

“She…” I hesitate, looking to Ari once more. “She told me once all she ever wanted was to be a mom a child would be proud of, and she accomplished that.” A curious, thoughtful frown builds along Ari’s forehead, and I look away. “She deserved to be honored by the people who respected her life’s mission, and that mission was raising me, so it means the world to have all of you here because I know you value our friendship. In doing so, you’ve made my mom’s one dream come true. Today was bearable because all of you were with me.”

Ari clutches her chest.

Because you were with me.

“If my mother was here, she’d thank you for coming, but not for her, not even on a day that’s meant to remember her. She’d thank you for me, so I want to do what she never would, and I want to ask you to think of her a moment. Not me.”

A moment of silence falls over the group and then Mr. Johnson steps up, wrapping me in a hug.

A few others walk to me to pay their respects on their way out, and the moment I can break free, I do.

I don’t mean to, but I can’t help but wonder if she’ll chase me down the sand as she chased him.

When twenty minutes go by, I accept the answer for what it is.

Fucking painful.