SWNOVELS Savior Complex: Chapter 5
I moved all my sessions from yesterday to today, so I’ve been busy from sunup to sundown. Ant spent the day with Javier, showing him the ranch, taking him into town to check out the Broken Oak and a few other favorite haunts.
By the time I finish the last of my paperwork, Ant walks in to care for the horses with Javier trailing behind him. I wave Ant into my office.
“How did it go today?”
His eyes light up. “It was so cool! Like you said, I kept it easy, didn’t trauma-bomb him, and I took him on a bluebonnet tour after lunch.”
I’d been a little nervous for them to spend so much time together all at once, but his happiness is undeniable.
“Sounds like a perfect day, dude.”
“It really was. Hey—do you think Charlie would mind if Javier helps me with the horses?”
I shake my head. “Tell you what, I’ll join you.”
Shutting down my computer, I accompany Ant to the training arena, where Javier is already introducing himself to the horses.
“Are your horses named after My Little Pony?” he asks, smiling.
He’s got a beautiful smile, even with the sadness behind his eyes.
“Yes, and what do you know about My Little Pony?” I ask, teasing him.
“I’m a child of the eighties. I coveted the My Little Ponies my sister had.”
Just as I start laughing, Erik opens the back doors to the space and walks in with Cupcake, a glossy bay from the Rebel Sky stock. Cupcake is his favorite horse, and I’ve seen him take her on rides after difficult days.
He’s been thrown for a loop by Javier’s arrival, and I’m guessing he needed to ride it out. Given the disgruntled look on his face, I don’t think the ride did what he needed it to.
Ant bounds up to him, grinning as bright as the sun. “I’ll put up Cupcake for you.”
Erik silently hands him the reins, then takes out his ponytail. Shaking out his long brown hair, he runs his fingers through it before knotting it at the base of his neck.
“Thanks, Ant,” he eventually mumbles, sending Javier and me a wave before stalking off toward the exit.
Ant bites his lip, looking after him. “Do you think I did something wrong?”
I shake my head. “He would never admit it, but Erik doesn’t do well with change. Javier coming here is a wonderful thing, but I’m sure it unsettles him.”
Javier scrubs a hand over his face. “Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable?”
“Nah. Just give him time.”
Javier nods and joins Ant, helping him take off the horse’s saddle.
“This is fine saddle work,” Javier observes, walking it over to our tack room. “All the leather goods here are well-made.”
Ant puts his tired head on Javier’s shoulder. “I think we use a local leather workshop, right, Levy?”
“Yep. Little shop over in Kerrville.”
Javier grins. “I don’t know if you remember this, Ant, but our family business is leather. Saddles, harnesses, reins, shoes, purses, belts. Tus abuelos still run the business. They work with local ranchers and sell the rest at artisan markets.”
Ant’s brows come together, and he sends me a worried look as we lead Cupcake into her stall. “I don’t remember that.”
“That’s okay,” I assure him, standing outside the stall while Javier and Ant take care of her. “Lots of folks with a trauma history lose certain details because knowing how to forget is a helpful tool.”
Javier’s warm smile falters, but he hides it from Ant. I give Javier’s shoulder a quick squeeze to let him know I see him.
“I do like the smell of leather though,” Ant says, grabbing the curry brush. “A lot. Maybe that’s why I want to roll around in Erik’s leather jacket.”
Javier chuckles as Ant starts brushing Cupcake. “I hope it’s okay for me to say, but given how many times you’ve talked about him today, I doubt you wanting to roll around in his jacket has anything to do with our family’s leather business.”
Ant scrunches his nose and fake-punches Javier’s arm, turning bright red. “Shut up.”
“I’m not making fun of you. I’m seeing you. And—”
Javier’s Adam’s apple bobs as his words get stuck in his throat. Tears fall and he shakes his head, clearly frustrated.
“I swear I’ve never cried so much in my entire fucking life. Sorry.”
He wipes away the tears quickly, laughing at himself. Ant, however, isn’t laughing. I don’t think he gets it.
“What’s got you so emotional, Javier?” I ask, hoping he’ll play along with me.
Javier swallows thickly and sends me a grateful nod. Turning to Ant, he explains, “I don’t know if you understand how special it is that you can have feelings for someone. I get that there are complexities with Erik. But you love him, and I need you to understand how incredible that is.”
To his credit, Ant doesn’t deny his words as he continues to run the brush over Cupcake’s pretty coat. His feelings for Erik are practically spelled out in skywriting. I’m sure it’s created its fair share of pain since Erik clearly doesn’t understand he’s in love with Ant too. I keep that to myself.
“So I don’t look like a stupid kid to you?”
Javier shakes his head vehemently. “First of all, you look like what you are. A young man. And while you are very, very young, you are also very, very old. Made prematurely wise by the things you’ve survived. Understanding how to navigate those conflicting truths is hard.”
“It really fucking is,” he admits with a scowl.
“Here’s the thing. This healing you’re going through is difficult, but as your abuela would say, it’s better than the alternative.”
“True. I could still be out there,” he says with a shudder.
Javier shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean. I think in every universe, Charlie and Erik were always going to ride to your rescue. The idea that there’s a version of you out there, not healing, unable to feel, and unwilling to do the hard work? That would be the sad thing, to be rescued and then unable to heal. But that’s not you.”
“You sure? Because you don’t know everything I’ve done.”
Hm. This is not the first time I’ve heard Ant say that, and we’ll need to talk through it at some point.
Javier surprises me with his level of understanding. “Everything you’ve done to heal is because you were hurting. Doesn’t make everything right, but it makes it understandable. It’s important to know that you will heal in cycles. Sometimes you’re actively progressing, sometimes you’re actively resting, and both are important.”
“How do you know all that?” Ant asks, looking up with hero worship in his eyes.
“Even though I hoped you hadn’t been sold to traffickers, I knew it was the most probable scenario. I started looking into it, started talking to people who had survived it so I would know how to help you if I ever found you.”
Based on Erik’s report from Wimberley, there’s more to the story than that, but I appreciate his discretion.
Ant switches out the curry brush for the soft-bristle brush and starts the process all over again. “Is that why you help now? Because you saw what happened to people?”
Javier nods. “Real human beings enslaved by others. Charlie often works with the people who have been victims of these large distribution systems. I work from the other end of the problem. I destroy whatever means the traffickers are using to take people. If they’re putting ads in the newspaper, I follow up on them. If they’re moving people from one country to another, I take them out on the road. I make it very, very expensive to keep operating.”
“Does Charlie know what you do?”
“He ran an extensive background check on me. Found out things I didn’t know he could find out.”
Ant absentmindedly brushes Cupcake’s broad chest. “I kept a list, and Erik says he’s creating a dossier for every name on it.”
Javier’s expression is…complex. If I had to guess, he’s stifling the urge to run over to Erik’s house and demand the information. Hell, there are days when I see Ant struggling, and I want to track down every single person who hurt him and paint the earth red with their blood.
Alright, killer. Slow your roll.
“Yeah, they’re very good at background checks,” Ant says with a smile.
“Do you mind if I ask what Erik is going to do with the list?” Javier asks, struggling to keep his tone light.
“A better question is what I’m going to do with the list,” Ant says, popping his brows.
I go to intercede, but Javier, again, knows exactly what to say.
“I’m here for you, whatever you need. Just know that revenge always takes its pound of flesh. If you make your life about revenge, it will only take you to a dark place. If you make your life about service and improving the problem, you will still go to dark places, but you will have a way out.”
“That’s what Charlie was trying to say too. I want to go on these ops with them, and they won’t let me. I know it’s because I look young and inexperienced, but…”
“You know more about this than they do.”
“Exactly.”
“It’s not about your knowledge, nephew. It’s about your humanity. Look at me,” Javier says, gesturing to himself. “I’ve made this my life’s work. I’m like the Lone Ranger. Absent a sidekick.”
“I’ll be your sidekick.”
“I know you would. However, I want better for us. I want to help, but I also want to remember there is a world outside of human suffering. I’ve maybe forgotten that over the years.”
Ant takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out, setting aside the brush. “I sometimes forget about that too.”
Javier grins. “Not sure why, but this reminds me of growing up with the family business. For generations, the Hernández family has worked leather. At first, it was saddles, but we eventually added belts, boots, wallets, purses, sandals. When I was a kid, this was deeply embarrassing.”
I nod. “Bet you’d give anything for those simple days again, wouldn’t you?”
Javier takes a long, hard look at Ant, his face creased by emotion. “I absolutely would.”
Ant lowers his chin. “I’m sorry I ruined everything.”
Javier and I make sounds of protest at the same time, practically talking over ourselves to reassure him he was not the one who did the ruining. I’m a little shocked to find he actually feels that way after spending so much time with people who reassure him of his worth.
Of course, given what I do, I shouldn’t be shocked. Just because no one would ever want him to feel this way doesn’t mean his brain will cooperate. Hell, he just found out he has family who loves him.
I forget how often I struggle with my own self-worth, and I know I’m loved.
Perspective.
Javier hesitates, then goes in again. “We had stalls in markets in San Luis and San Miguel, which meant tus abuelos would often work hours away from each other. It left me a lot of time to get into trouble, which I did.”
“So what you’re saying is getting in trouble is a family trait,” I joke.
Ant plucks out his T-shirt, proud of that fact, and we all crack up. Javier pulls him into a quick hug, kissing the top of his head.
“Your momma liked to get into trouble too. When she started dating your dad, my parents weren’t happy. Those Allendes liked to talk about their roots and how they could trace them back to the original Allende family in San Miguel.”
“Could they?” Ant asks, curious.
Javier shakes his head. “It was all bullshit. A cover for their shady businesses.” Guilt marks his handsome features. “I was too caught up in my own thing to know what was happening. Gigi got pregnant at the same time as Yaya, and those two were already inseparable. I’ll have your abuela scan the photograph of them touching bellies when they were both super pregnant.”
“I’d like that,” Ant says, looking wistful. “The more you talk, the more I can’t believe I bought my grandfather’s lies. I don’t know how I forgot how much the Hernández side of the family really loved me.”
“Hey now,” I say, grabbing Ant’s hand. “Remember—you were a little kid with a malleable mind in the hands of bad people.”
Ant bites the inside of his cheek, considering our words.
“Do you think Yaya would’ve adopted me after my mom died?”
Javier nods sadly. “When we found out your mother had died and you were missing, it’s the first thing your Tío Emil said, ‘We will find him, and he will grow up with Gaelcito.’”
“He’s quiet, right?” Ant asks, uncertain. “I don’t have many memories of Emil, but I think I liked him.”
“Yes, Emil is very quiet. We used to make fun of him when Yaya first brought him around. He is the son of farmers, very poor. We had to eat our words when we realized he was, and still is, a very good man. As soon as he found out Yaya was pregnant, he got down on one knee and proposed, and a month later, they were married.”
“I’m guessing my dad didn’t have the same reaction.”
Javier shakes his head. “He only came around because his family forced him to. They never liked Gigi, but their younger son died in some horrible way, and you were the fabled last of the Allende line. They were married in a hurried ceremony a week before you were born.”
“Why did my mom stay if he didn’t love her?”
“Yaya once told me Gigi never loved anyone the way she loved your dad. He wasn’t good to her. He never hit her, but he was never faithful or discreet.”
“I hate him.”
“Me too, Ant. Me. Too.”