SWNOVELS Savior Complex: Chapter 10
Watching this heavily tattooed man be so gentle with such a frightened horse did things to my heart. I can’t remember a time I ever felt this way—or even allowed myself to feel this way.
Thankfully, Levy and I were very clear that last night was just a bit of stress relief. No need to make things more complicated than they are.
As we walk toward the bunkhouse, a Jeep comes tearing onto the property, driven by the man with the long blond hair who took my cheek swab that first night. The one who saved Levy’s life. Anders.
Next to him is a small kid, maybe nine or ten, strapped into the passenger side, cackling wildly. They pull to a quick stop in front of the bunkhouse, showering us with gravel and dirt. Anders grimaces and hops out of the Jeep.
“Sorry! Bad habit. Totally working on it.”
He goes over to the passenger side and helps the young kid out.
Having heard a few Anders stories over the last couple of days, it all makes sense now. Doing what I do, you figure out pretty quickly who’s sane and who isn’t. Almost as quickly as you figure out who’s in it for the right reasons.
I don’t even know the guy, but I can already tell Anders is in it for the right reasons and that every last screw in his head is loose.
Anders takes one look at me, and it’s as if a light bulb’s been shoved up his ass.
“Gasparín!” he exclaims, using the nickname the traffickers gave me. Casper—because I was good at disappearing into thin air.
He comes over and gives me a back-pounding hug as though greeting a long-lost friend. “I apologize for not recognizing you before!”
“How do you know that name?” I ask, wincing from the force of his hug.
“When we ran your background, one of our analysts put two and two together. You are the stuff of legends, man! I can’t believe our Ant is your hero origin story.”
“Uh, thanks. I knew about Charlie and Erik too. This feels like the world’s most imperfect hero conference.”
Anders cracks up, pounding my back again. “Totally. Oh! I can’t forget my purpose for being here,” he says, tilting his head to the little boy clutching his hand. “This is Elias.”
Ant starts speaking with him in Spanish, introducing himself and the rest of us. Elias lets go of Anders’ hand to touch Ant’s leather wristband, a gift from Charlie that I’ve discovered he never takes off. Ant knows the drill, asking a few neutral questions to get Elias to open up. One of his answers is so disturbing that I have to check in with Anders to make sure it’s right.
“He’s thirteen years old?”
Anders’ lips thin. “Yep. Undernourished. Kept purposefully small for his age.”
We both look at Ant, and I realize with some horror that when Ant was thirteen, he was already two years into this kind of hell. He was probably as small as this boy here.
As Ant and Elias continue to talk, I lean over to Anders. “Erik is your cousin, right?”
Anders nods.
“He tell you about this list he’s working on for Ant?”
Another nod.
“What do you think my chances are for getting a copy of it?”
“I can get it to you, brother, but you should not go after those people.”
I raise my brows and point to the little boy. “Give me one good reason why.”
“How much do you know about Ant? How his recovery is going.”
“It’s been uneven, from what I can gather.”
“That’s an interesting way to put it,” he says, grinning as he knots his hair at the base of his head. “Did they tell you he snuck onto a mission?”
“Yes.”
“Did they tell you he killed someone?”
I turn my head in disbelief. “Wait. What?”
Anders tilts his head, grimacing. “Somebody was going to kill Erik, and Ant got to them first. Though, he didn’t just kill the guy.”
“What did he do?” I ask as we take another couple of steps away from the group.
“He used a knife to kill him, right through the temple. Guy died instantly, but Ant pulled out the knife and went after the man’s face until he didn’t have one.”
I look at my nephew sweetly holding the young man’s hand, walking him into the house.
“Ant did that?”
“Yeah, he did. As someone who knows about these things, I can tell you he’s not going to stop there.”
“But I haven’t seen him act crazy.”
Anders shakes his head. “That’s not something he’s going to let people see easily. Someone was going after my cousin, who I’m sure you’ve already surmised he has feelings for.”
I nod in agreement.
“That list? You can’t be the one who takes out the people on that list.”
“What are you saying?” I ask, not quite believing my ears. “You think Ant should take out the people on the list?”
“Yes. He needs to be the one.”
What—and I cannot stress this enough—the fuck?
“There’s no way. I’m not letting him put himself in danger like that.”
“I don’t think you understand,” Anders says, patting my arm sympathetically. “He’s going to do this regardless. My cousin’s been looking into this list of his, hoping he can find some sort of overarching connection, something he can use so my team has to take over. If he does, we’ll take care of it. Unfortunately, the names Ant has are the end users. They aren’t the people who made the decisions. They are the clients. We’ve basically taken out the people responsible for the commerce, but that list contains the people who hurt him directly.”
“He’s in therapy though,” I say, trying to find reason in this. “Very good therapy, I hear.”
Anders nods. “Hedy is amazing, and I would not be surprised if he’s made some really great strides with her. Thing is, there’s a switch inside one’s head that makes killing very easy, and his is stuck in the on position. What he does with that impulse…you won’t have any control over. I bet, however, that you can influence how he manages it.”
I’m still stunned by Anders’ revelation as we follow everyone inside. One look at Ant—who hasn’t left Elias’s side—tells me Anders is well-intentioned but clearly wrong. I’m sure he’s exaggerating about the way Ant killed that man, which he clearly only did to save the man he loves.
Levy heads off to the kitchen to make some food while Ant shows Elias a gaming app and hands him the phone. Elias begins playing while Ant points out a few things on the screen.
“Need help?” I ask Levy, feeling irritation bubble under my skin as I walk into the kitchen.
Levy pauses, tilting his head to the side. “Sure. I’m going to make some spaghetti. Mind making a salad?”
I shrug. “Sure.”
Levy shows me where everything is, and I get to work, trying to shake off everything Anders said.
It’s not going so well.
Levy shoulders me. “Hey. You doing okay?”
I shake my head.
“Anything in particular bothering you?”
I rinse the lettuce, weighing my options. Fuck it, this needs to be said.
“Two things,” I say, washing the tomatoes a little too aggressively. “That kid is the exact same size Ant was when he was sold.”
Levy inhales sharply, feeling it as much as I am. “True. And the second thing?”
“I just found out my nephew took a life. So…yeah.”
Levy drops his chin to his chest. “Fucking Anders.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
“Absolutely. We definitely were, but it’s been an intense few days. There’s knowing you’re actually related, there’s knowing you’re involved in the work, but there’s no statute of limitations on murder. Even if we can prove self-defense, it puts a lot of focus on the work we do, and we don’t want that.”
As if I’d ever let the law touch him.
“So you’ll let me fuck you, but you won’t tell me what’s going on with my nephew?”
“Hey.” He scans the area, I assume to see if anyone heard me. “I know you’re upset, but don’t do that. We’re all trying to make sure Ant has as normal a life as he possibly can. Also, Elias looks happy right now, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t also incredibly fragile. As a mental health professional, I’m going to advise you to take whatever this reaction is and lock that shit up.”
I clench my jaw and lower my voice, speaking directly into his ear.
“Yeah, well, the psycho you’re allowing to hang with my nephew said we should give him the list of the people who bought and sold him and let him go after them. Let him kill them. Murder them.”
Levy shakes his head, cursing Anders under his breath. Still, he doesn’t outright disagree with him.
“Levy?”
He shrugs. “Anders would know what he’s talking about.”
“I can’t tell—are you trying to be funny?”
“No, I’m serious,” he says, stepping in front of me. “We’ve been working closely with Ant’s therapist, and he’s doing well, but having his childhood stolen wasn’t exactly a neutral event in his life. I want you to think about how you felt the first time you killed someone.”
Ant looks up from playing with Elias, and his eyes lock on us. I wave away his concerned look, but I don’t think it’s particularly effective.
“If, hypothetically, I did kill someone,” I say through my teeth, “it would have been the most difficult thing I ever did. Even when the person allegedly deserved it.”
“Exactly. Ant’s having the opposite reaction. He’s not only not sorry, but he also isn’t bothered in the slightest that he took a life.”
My mouth opens, ready to say something, but…no. Nothing.
Levy raises his brows. “See the problem now?”
“What should we do?”
“Honestly, we don’t know yet. We’re keeping an eye on him. The reality is he’s the one who provided Erik with the list. He’s already got the names memorized,” Levy says, tapping his temple. “Erik’s stalling him at this point.”
“Fuck.”
Holding up his hands, Levy tries to calm me. “We’ve put boundaries in place, and he’s honoring them…for now. Thankfully, he’s doing better and is more in control of his actions. Unfortunately, he also ticks a lot of the same boxes Anders does.”
“So?”
“So, all I’m saying is, we don’t know what to do, and we’re trying to listen to the people who know better, and we’re not trying to make Ant something he’s not.”
“Normal. You’re not trying to make him normal.”
“Regular normal? No. Able to pretend he’s normal in front of the right people? Yes.”
I go back to the salad, unable to pay attention to the tomatoes. Levy takes the knife from me and cuts up the rest of the vegetables.
“You just got here, but we are working very hard to keep him out of jail. I wouldn’t have said this before, but having met Anders and seen what he does, I know we need people like him. That only works if Ant is well regulated, so we’re trying to figure that part out.”
“Is everyone here absolutely insane?”
Levy puts down the knife and pins me with a glare. “You sound like Erik.”
“Is that such a bad thing in this case?”
“You and I both know most people who’ve been through this bear emotional and mental scars that no amount of trauma therapy can make better.”
“What happens when you can’t make it better? Just let him murder people?”
“No. But we do make accommodations. We identify the most damaging triggers and decide which ones we avoid and which ones we lean into. If somebody tries to hurt any of us, he’s going to be triggered. He finds the people who hurt others like him? Murderously triggered.”
“You can’t put a gun in his hand then. He’s not stable.”
“Yet. He’s not stable yet. I haven’t worked with him in an official capacity, but in my professional opinion, his recent instability is not a permanent feature.”
“Don’t sugarcoat it, Levy. They ruined him, didn’t they?”
Levy shakes his head. “I don’t believe you can ruin a person. You can shape them, you can harm them, you can heal them to an extent. There’s so much the human mind is capable of. But Ant does not want to be ruined. Therefore, he is not ruined. Look at him right now, showing Elias deep compassion. That part’s true too. Whatever we do, we’re going to do what we can to make sure that’s his true north.”
Taking a deep breath, I let Levy’s words settle me. “I don’t want him involved in this life.”
Levy smiles, rubbing my arm. “I know. But you don’t get to decide that. That’s hard because you’ve been through something too. Sometimes reunification can be almost as traumatic as anything else. The person you loved, the person you had in mind, isn’t there anymore. You’re confronted with an entirely different animal, and you must adjust. It should help you to remember he’s been adjusting since he was eleven. This is where you pull up your big-girl panties, and you fucking adjust for him. You hear me?”
I have to laugh, appreciative of his willingness to put me in my place. “Big-girl panties?”
“Yes.”
“You must be a damn good therapist.”
“I am, and I’m not going to let you bemoan the fact that Ant lived. So what if some of his shit is a little broken? He’s going to be loved unconditionally for the rest of his life. By the way, that’s the cost of being in his life. Unconditional love. Period.”
“I hear you. Thank you.”
“Excellent. Now, finish your salad so we can feed these hungry people.”
“Is it wrong that you bossing me around kind of turns me on?”
Levy whips his head around and shushes me. “People are right there.”
“We’ve been talking about the fact my nephew is a murderer,” I say under my breath. “I don’t think they’re paying attention to us.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter. You were very clear. One night, one night only. We both got what we, uh, wanted from it, so…yeah.”
I tilt my head, looking him over from head to toe. I did not get nearly enough time with this man, and if the flush on his ears is any indication, he didn’t get nearly enough of me either.
“I’ll respect your wishes, of course,” I say, stepping back, then hiding my grin as his body sways toward mine.
I initially wasn’t sure how much time I’d spend here, but with this new information about Ant, I’ve decided I’m going to stay for a while. As for the delicious Levy, this thing between us is way too hot for just one night. But I won’t push. I’m going to sit back and let him come to me.