Satan's Hunger

‘Let me go! Let me go!’

The doors slammed shut behind them.

Zeke obeyed, but only once they were safely back in the abbey and on hallowed ground again. Just within the doors, he lowered Kaitlyn down carefully until her feet touched the cold, stone floor of the nave. Kaitlyn didn’t hesitate, attempting to rush back out to Jacob beyond.

She didn’t get far, Zeke seizing onto her wrist as fast as a snake.

‘Let go!’ She tried to fling herself away but he was much too strong, seizing onto her other wrist.

‘Kaitlyn, be calm!’

’Be calm! Be calm? Is that all you ever say?! How can I be calm?! Jacob. Jacob!’ Her throat tightened. It was hard to breathe. What was wrong with him? Why was he on the ground? He was so pale! And all the blood!

Her body seemed to be wrestling with Zeke on its own, her mind outside along with Jacob’s limp figure, beyond the doors, out in the sunshine amid his bloodied feathers. She thrashed against Zeke’s arms; she kicked out.

‘Kaitlyn! ENOUGH!’ Zeke’s voice boomed around the nave. At a flash of bright light, Kaitlyn ducked and covered her head, quivering as Zeke stood over her in his angel form, towering, blazing and brilliant.

Kaitlyn slumped to her bottom with a cry. She dropped her head into her hands. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry!’ Sobs racked her body.

Zeke grabbed her shoulder. ‘Kaitlyn. Be patient.’ His voice was normal again, his hand gentle and warm. ‘He will be okay and you will see him again. In fact, you must.’

He dropped into a crouch in front of her. Kaitlyn lowered her hands from her face. He was no longer blazing, only glowing, his powerful angel light steadily fading away. His great white wings had already started shrinking into his back. She glanced around the nave but they were alone—luckily. His long black hair tumbled much too perfectly down his broad shoulders. His arrow-like eyebrows sat low over his amber-coloured eyes. He looked sad.

‘It’s because of me, isn’t? The sacrifice,’ Kaitlyn gasped. ‘It has something to do with that, doesn’t it?’

He frowned. ‘How do you know about that?’

‘He-he told me—Satan.’ Kaitlyn tipped her face back as more tears flowed. ‘I don’t-don’t understand.’ She hiccoughed. ‘I thought he had God’s blessing.’

’He does have God’s blessing.’

He didn’t elaborate. Kaitlyn shook her head. ‘Is he-is he going to be okay? What’s happening to him?’

‘He will be fine, Kaitlyn. It was his choice. He knew it was coming.’

’But what was coming? What’s happening to him? He has God’s Blessing!’ She clawed her fingers into her head. She knew it! God had always failed her. And now He’d failed Jacob too. ‘Why? Why’d he do it if he knew it was coming?’ Whatever this was.

‘For you. To help you. To save you. And … because he loves you.’

Kaitlyn sucked in a sob. ‘To help me how?’

‘There’s too much to explain now.’

Kaitlyn sucked in another shuddering sob. ‘What’s the point to all this if he’s only going to die?’

‘He’s not going to die.’ He lowered his voice. ‘Kaitlyn, look at me.’

Kaitlyn met his amber eyes. They looked calmly into hers as he took her hand and squeezed it. ‘He will be okay. He’ll just be different, that’s all. He won’t be like us. He’ll be more like you.’

Kaitlyn’s heart clenched. ‘What do you mean? He-he won’t be an angel anymore?’

’He will always be an angel, Kaitlyn. He just won’t be one of God’s angels, and the change can be a little … traumatic.’

’A little traumatic?! Did you see him?’

The angel didn’t answer as he looked deeply into her eyes. His hand was warm around hers. Too warm. Angel “magic” warm. She felt it soak through her arm, into her shoulder and finally into her chest where she felt a sense of ease.

‘It’s all my fault,’ she croaked. ‘I shouldn’t have asked him. I knew about the sacrifice. I knew something was going on. I just didn’t care. I’m so selfish.’

Again, Zeke didn’t respond. Instead, he turned towards the doors and Kaitlyn got the sense that the others were communicating with him. Gently, he took her wrist. ‘Come, I’ll take you back to your room.’

‘No.’ Pulling out of his grasp, she climbed to her knees, then stumbled to her feet. ‘I want to see him.’

‘You cannot go outside.’

‘Then I’ll wait for him right here.’

She swiped away her tears. Zeke stood beside her in the aisle as Kaitlyn listened and waited, her eyes on the entrance. Everything seemed so quiet against the chaos outside, against the chaos she felt within herself. She heard a bird tweeting and it made her angry. How could it be so happy with all that was going on? How could the sun be so bright? How could the world keep turning? Jacob was hurt! Zeke slid his big, strong hand back into hers.

Kaitlyn lifted her chin, feeling his warmth flowing through her, calming her, settling her mind. Minutes passed and still nobody entered through the doors.

‘I want you to tell me now, Zeke. Why’d he do it? What do you mean it was to help me?’

‘Jacob should tell you directly.’

‘No. I want to hear it from you. And straight forward, please. I am an adult; I can handle it. No sugar-coating.’

Zeke paused. ‘All right.’ He glanced around the room, making sure they remained alone before leaning in close to her ear. ‘It is Jacob’s belief that it’s only a matter of time before you turn to Satan willingly. It is his hope that if he meets your “needs” himself, he might prevent that from happening.’

Something cold and ugly rolled over in Kaitlyn’s stomach. ‘He has no belief in me, then. None of you do.’ She scrunched up her face at a foul taste at the back of her mouth.

‘That’s not true, Kaitlyn.’

Kaitlyn wiped at her face as more tears trickled. ’No. It’s absolutely true. And you’re right. You’re all right. I can’t resist him. I can’t. And now look what’s happened. Everybody’s making sacrifices for me. If I wasn’t so weak …’

Zeke seized her shoulder in a firm grip. ’Enough, Kaitlyn.’

Kaitlyn looked at him with a start, surprised by the sternness in his voice.

‘Enough of this,’ he continued, his eyes hard, his lips thin. He almost looked … cold. A shock for an angel like Zeke. He’d always been so warm, so comforting, someone she could turn to when upset. ‘You are what you are. You are the Dark One’s vessel and it’s time you accept it. Are you weak around him? Yes. Will you be strong enough to resist him? Probably not. But that is reality. Stop wallowing in your guilt. Stop playing the victim. Only through accepting your weaknesses can you be strong.’

Kaitlyn stared at him, speechless.

The hardness slowly faded from Zeke’s eyes. He released her shoulder. ‘I am sorry, Kaitlyn.’

‘Don’t-don’t apologise. I needed that.’

They both turned at the sound of the doors opening. Kaitlyn’s heart leapt. ‘Jacob.’ She took a step forward, then stopped, Zeke’s words resounding in her head. No more weakness. She needed to be strong.

Jacob had one arm slung around David’s neck as he staggered at his side. He was alive! but pale, and the trails of blood down his arms were hard to ignore. Still, his eyes were bright and when he met Kaitlyn’s gaze, he smiled in a way that made her swell with relief.

Kaitlyn smiled back, struggling against the lump in her throat. Tears sprang in her eyes but she pushed them away. Her gaze trailed over his white wings. They were limp at his back, the tips dragging along the floor. She’d never seen him with his wings like that before. She’d never seen any of the angels with their wings in such a way. They looked so … real. Not bright or dazzling or magical like she was used to. What was going on? What did it mean? She had so many questions—but this was not the time to ask them.

‘Are you all right?’ she said a little croakily.

‘Yes.’ He frowned, then winced. ‘I’m sorry you had to see this.’

Kaitlyn shook her head. She tried to hold back but something in her chest yanked her forward. Stumbling over her feet, she rushed towards him. Carefully, she encircled her arms around his neck. ‘I’m just glad you’re okay.’

Jacob wrapped his free arm around her waist and kissed her on the cheek. ‘I’ll be even better soon. I just need some time to rest.’

She stepped back and suddenly noticed something odd about him. Aside from his wings and blood and fatigue, there was something about his face that was different. Then she realised. His eyes—they weren’t that blazing emerald they usually were. They were ordinary. Hazel. A feather fluttered to the floor. Kaitlyn pretended not to notice.

She stepped out of the way, giving the angels space as they entered further into the nave.

Zeke laid his hand on her shoulder. ‘Go with him. He needs you.’

Kaitlyn hurried to Jacob’s other side. Wrapping her arm around his waist, both she and David helped him along. She tried not to show her fear at how cold and damp he felt. He was sweating. His breaths rattled in his throat.

There was a room available for him further down a hall different to her own. David helped him into the bed as Kaitlyn stood back uncertainly, her hands folded in front of her. Jacob lay down with a sigh, his hands on his chest, eyes closed.

It was a room almost identical to her own: bed, cupboard, desk, a small window. There was a jug of water and an accompanying cup sitting on a side table. There was also a bowl of water with a washer hanging over the edge of it. Steam wafted from the surface. It looked like someone had only just recently prepared the room.

The angels worked quickly.

‘We’ve healed him,’ David told her. ‘He’s going to be fine.’

Kaitlyn nodded but couldn’t say anything as she folded and unfolded her hands. The angel touched her shoulder, then went to leave.

‘You’re not going to stay?’ she said uneasily.

‘He doesn’t need me, Kaitlyn. He needs you.’

The door shut behind him. Silence followed. Kaitlyn swayed on the spot, nervous and helpless. What exactly did David mean that Jacob needed her? What could she do to help him?

Jacob didn’t move, eyes still closed, his chest rising and falling. He was breathing, like a real person. A lump swelled in her throat.

‘J-Jacob?’ she said.

He opened his eyes, looking at her with his unfamiliar hazel gaze. ‘You don’t have to be here, Kaitlyn.’

‘Yes, I do. They say you need me. What do you—what do you want me to do?’

He gazed up at the ceiling. ‘I feel so … strange. Though they’ve healed me, I feel aches and pains and needs I’ve never known before.’ He reached a hand to his throat as he clicked his tongue. ‘There’s something wrong with my throat, with my mouth. They ache with something. Something I can’t begin to describe.’

Kaitlyn instantly understood. ‘You’re thirsty. Don’t you even know what thirsty is?’

’Thirsty.’ He smiled faintly as he released his throat. ‘I’m an angel. I’ve never needed to drink before.’

‘Oh. Oh, right.’ She quickly poured out a cup of water, biting her lip as water splashed over her hands. She was shaking so hard.

‘Don’t be frightened,’ Jacob said, watching her calmly.

‘I’m allowed to be frightened.’ Kaitlyn handed the cup over. He took it and went to drink it. ‘Stop!’ Kaitlyn felt a weird urge to laugh. He really didn’t know anything. ‘You’ll have to sit up or you’ll choke.’

She went to help him as he struggled, but he put up his hand to stop her.

‘Do it slowly!’ she exclaimed as he spluttered. ‘Take one swallow at a time.’ She couldn’t believe she was teaching a grown man how to drink.

He drank the whole thing, gulp after gulp after gulp. He finished it with a sigh and wiped his mouth. ‘Who would have thought that simple water would feel so good?’ He held out his cup. ‘Another.’

She filled it again.

Kaitlyn stood by quietly, watching as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. He handed his cup back, then leaned his back against the wall, his wings draped around him. She dragged her eyes over them. They looked so soft. They were so massive they hung to the floor like bedsheets.

When she turned her eyes back to his face, she saw him watching her. He looked tired. There were shadows under his eyes. And there was a drag to his cheeks she’d never seen before.

There were so many questions she wanted to ask. So many things she wanted to get off her chest. What had he been thinking? How could he do this to himself?

But this was not the time.

‘I should let you sleep,’ Kaitlyn said. She turned to leave.

‘Stay.’

She turned back. ‘You’re tired, Jacob. Rest. We can talk later.’

‘No. We can talk now. I’ll sleep later.’

Though she fought to control herself, the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. ‘You lied! You said—you said you had God’s blessing.’

’I didn’t lie. I did—I do have God’s blessing.’

‘Then why—?’

‘I might have God’s permission, but that doesn’t mean I can remain one of his angels,’ he said before she could finish. ‘There are certain things angels cannot do.’

Kaitlyn clutched at her throat. ‘Sex.’

‘Yes.’

‘Then why did you do it?’

‘To help you in a way I couldn’t before.’

Kaitlyn frowned at a sudden swell of anger. Still talking in riddles. Still hiding the truth. But she didn’t want to argue. Not now. Not when he was so sick. Besides, she knew the truth: It is his hope that if he meets your “needs” himself, he might prevent that from happening.

That cold and ugly thing rolled over in her stomach again. ’But to lose … everything.’

‘I might have lost some things but I’ve gained just as much.’

Kaitlyn lifted her eyes to the ceiling as the lump in her throat swelled, as the tears threatened to burst free. ‘I feel bad.’

‘Don’t.’

Kaitlyn bit her lip as she trembled. She couldn’t get the look of him curled up on the grass, deathlike, out of her mind. ‘I can’t help it.’

Jacob swung his legs over the edge of the bed with a groan.

Kaitlyn reached out to help.

‘No. Let me do it.’ Gripping the edge, he sucked in a deep breath. His arms were shaking. His face was pale. The veins bulged in his hands. ‘I feel weak but I do not want to rest. I feel … dirty.’ He nodded at the bowl. ‘Could you help me while the water is still warm?’

‘Of course.’ She turned to the bowl, dunked the washer into the water and squeezed it out. ‘It’s a bit cold.’

‘That’s okay.’

She paused again with a wince. There was blood everywhere. Where should she begin? Like a fool, she stood in front of him, holding the washer in confusion as water dripped onto the floor.

‘Wash me, Kaitlyn.’ Reaching out his hands, he took her hips and pulled her close. He leaned his forehead against her chest with a sigh. ‘I need to be touched. I need to feel something other than pain and fear and emptiness.’ He looked up at her. ‘Do you understand?’

Kaitlyn’s heart raced as she looked back into his eyes. His hands were warm and big against her hips. They made her tingle. They filled her body with heat—in the normal way. There would be no more angel “magic” from Jacob.

‘Okay.’ And so she began washing him.

‘I’m sorry you had to see me like that,’ he said again as he held out his bloodied arms for her to clean.

‘You don’t need to apologise for anything. I’m glad I saw.’

He looked at her, then away again.

‘And I’m angry that you keep secrets from me,’ Kaitlyn said. ‘That you continue to speak in riddles, like I need protecting.’ Kaitlyn was a little rough wiping off the blood on his shoulder. ‘Zeke told me why you did it.’

Jacob frowned at her. ‘He shouldn’t have. That was my task.’

‘I didn’t give him a choice. I don’t trust you to tell me the truth.’ Kaitlyn felt her face flush. This was all about sex. This was all about her urges.

It made her feel … dirty.

Dropping the washer back into the water, Kaitlyn picked up the towel and helped dry him off. There was blood on his pants but not much. There was blood in his feathers too but she didn’t have a clue as to what to do about that.

‘Now, your back,’ Kaitlyn said.

‘No. You can leave that.’

She hung the towel over the table, then put her hands on her hips. ‘Your back, Jacob. Don’t treat me like a weak little girl. Not anymore. I can handle it.’

Jacob studied her. ‘You’re different.’

‘Better, I hope. Zeke spoke to me and opened my eyes.’ Kaitlyn lifted her chin. ‘I’m not going to be afraid anymore. From now on I’m going to accept what comes my way. I’ve been …’ Biting her lip, she turned her head.

Jacob took her hand. ’You have been brave, Kaitlyn. Braver than I ever expected. Braver than any of us expected. You are fighting forces you didn’t even know existed only days ago. Forces that, even now, you cannot possibly comprehend.’

Kaitlyn pulled her hand out of his grasp. ’Be that as it may … stand. Brace yourself up against the wall.’

Jacob sighed.

’Stand.’ Strangely she felt laughter bubbling up in her chest.

The corner of Jacob’s mouth twitched. Kaitlyn stepped back as he stood. With his wings, she needed to give him a lot more space. He turned towards the wall. After her “brave” little talk, Kaitlyn was glad Jacob couldn’t see her now.

There was blood and bits of tissue everywhere. Shreds of skin hung from his back like streamers. Black, clotted blood stuck around the points where his wings had pushed through his back. From what she could see through the patchiness of his feathers, red coated his back from hips to shoulders like paint. No wonder he was so pale. No wonder he was so weak! Guilt rose up her body like a wave. It made her eyes tear up. Stop it. Stop it. No more crying. Get a hold of yourself.

‘You’re quiet,’ Jacob said.

‘There’s a lot of … damage.’ Picking up the washer, she squeezed it out. Pink blood dribbled into the bowl. She held it in her hand uncertainly. Where to begin?

She gazed at his wings. Even as bloodied and patchy and limp as they were, they were stunning. And she suddenly realised the strange, wonderful and impossible situation she was in. She was washing down an angel’s back. She was washing down an angel’s back, the same angel she’d made love to last night. She dropped the washer. It hit the floor with a wet smack. Her face burned as she bent down to pick it up.

‘Everything okay?’ he said.

‘I’m fine,’ she snapped. She felt herself flush more deeply. Where had that come from? ‘Sorry. I’m just … overwhelmed.’

‘You don’t need to do this, Kaitlyn. I can get one of the others to do it.’

’Stop it, Jacob. Just stop it. I am going to do it. That’s what you do when in a relationship.’ Kaitlyn froze. Did she just say that? Were they in a relationship? Quickly she started washing down his shoulders before he could say anything.

She grimaced as she unstuck a web of congealed blood. ‘Tell me if it hurts.’

‘You’re not going to hurt me. I’ve been healed.’

‘Right,’ Kaitlyn mumbled. ‘I forgot.’ Not surprising considering how horrible it all looked. She thought of the trail of bloodied feathers she’d followed outside. How many had he lost? How much pain had he suffered?

She dunked the washer in the bowl and continued washing. She grimaced as she tentatively tugged at a long piece of shredded skin that hung down his back in a long streamer. It simply peeled away, revealing new pink skin beneath.

She dunked the washer in again, then paused. ‘Are you—are you able to move your wings out of the way a little?’

Slowly, he spread them apart. Kaitlyn watched in silence. ‘Can’t you have them disappear?’

‘Not anymore.’

‘Why not?’

‘That requires power. It requires God’s light. I no longer possess that ability.’

‘So, what does that mean?’

‘It means they will remain as they are. I will have to conceal them as The Fallen do. Beneath a cape or a heavy cloak.’

‘They’re too beautiful to hide away.’ Kaitlyn couldn’t deny that they made her heart race. Would he let her touch them? Bloodied water dripped onto the floor as she held the washer limply in her hand. A sudden desire to brush her fingers through his feathers, to feel their softness against her skin, to really understand what they felt like, made her palms ache.

Jacob looked over his shoulder at her. ‘Did you want to touch them?’ As though he could read her mind.

‘Can I?’

He gave her a little sarcastic smile which made her heart flutter. Even exhausted, he was so handsome. ’That’s what you do when you’re in a relationship, isn’t it? Explore each other? Know each other?’

Kaitlyn stood frozen. It hurt to swallow, her throat so dry it was like sandpaper. He actually agreed that they were in a relationship. Jacob—her guardian angel. An angel. His wings beckoned as she reached out her hand. Jacob turned back to the wall, leaning more heavily against it. Kaitlyn noticed how his arms trembled.

Kaitlyn paused, then pulled back her hand. ‘Later. When you’ve had a rest and you’re better.’ And she continued with her washing. She tried her best to soak away the big black clots of blood surrounding the exit points of his wings. She’d done a far from perfect job but she finally put the washer back in the bowl for the last time. The water was bright red. Quickly, she dried him down.

By the time she was finished, there was blood all over the floor, all over the towel and her hands. There was some in the bed too, where he’d lain.

He turned around. ‘You should clean yourself up, Kaitlyn.’

‘I will. Soon,’ she said as she wiped her hands on a clean part of the towel. ‘A little blood didn’t hurt anybody. Go to bed.’ She poured out another cup of water. ‘You want some more?’ She held it out to him as he sat with a sigh.

He huffed but smiled. ‘You don’t need to treat me like a child.’

‘I will if you act like one.’

He smiled as he took it. Their fingers brushed.

Once he was done, he lay back down and closed his eyes, hands on his chest, wings splayed out and draping onto the floor. They looked so beautiful. As for himself, even pale and exhausted, he looked so warm, so wonderful, so handsome.

So vulnerable.

Kaitlyn turned to leave.

‘Stay,’ he said before she reached the door. ‘Stay with me.’

She turned back. ‘I’ll only keep you awa—’

She paused. Was it just a trick of the light or were his eyes wet? He quickly looked away, then rolled onto his side, facing away from her. ‘Sorry,’ he grunted. ‘You’re right. I need my rest.’

Kaitlyn didn’t hesitate. Walking back over, she crawled into bed with him, trying her best not to crush his feathers. There were still streaks of blood down his back. She could smell the blood in his hair.

‘Kaitlyn …’ he began to protest.

‘Be quiet, Jacob.’ And she wrapped her arm around his waist and buried her face into his feathers.