SWNOVELS Ryan Redemption: Chapter 41
Walking into the kitchen later that afternoon, I almost want to turn around and walk back out when I see Shane standing there leaning against the breakfast bar with his back to me. But, I suppose I can’t avoid him forever and something needs to happen to break this tension between us.
“Afternoon,” I say as I walk to the counter and pour myself a coffee.
“Afternoon,” he says gruffly as he eyes me over the rim of his coffee mug.
The air crackles with tension and energy and I take a deep breath. “So, how are you?” I ask and then I groan inwardly for asking such a ridiculous question.
He clearly doesn’t appreciate it. “Really? Two fucking months and that’s what we’re talking about?” he frowns.
I roll my eyes, more at my own stupidity, but there is no need for his moodiness. “Okay. Something more meaningful then? So, you and Erin are back together, I see?” I ask with a flash of my eyebrows as the pang of jealousy gnaws at my center.
“Why did you come back here, Jessie?” he snaps, ignoring my question.
Jessie? I think I prefer him calling me Hacker. That was always our thing.
“Conor asked me to.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not a reason.”
I stare at him, but I don’t answer.
“So, why did you come back here?” he frowns.
“I just told you.”
“That’s what made you come back, not why.”
“I don’t understand what you want from me, Shane.”
“How about the truth?” he snarls. “I appreciate it’s not always your first instinct, but you should try it some time.”
I slam my mug onto the counter and walk over to him. “I came back here because Conor asked me to. Because I missed him, and your brothers.”
“Because you still love them?” he narrows his eyes at me as though he’s trying to see inside my soul and it makes me feel too open and vulnerable around him.
“Yes!” I snap. I don’t admit that I still love him too, because I can’t bear to give him the satisfaction of knowing. He has made it perfectly clear how he feels about me.
His dark green eyes burn into mine and I fidget under the heat of his gaze. As much as I try not to, I can’t help but picture him lifting me onto the kitchen island and fucking me senseless, and the images in my brain have the heat flushing over my chest and cheeks and between my thighs.
“That’s the whole truth?” he growls.
“All of it,” I lie and then I walk away before I make a complete fool of myself and beg him to take me to his bed and hate fuck me like he did the last time we were together.
Later that night, I’m struggling to sleep. Despite the warmth of my room, I am cold. Conor is working at the club and the twins are out of town and my huge king-size bed seems empty without one of them in it. I get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen to make some chamomile tea, hoping it might warm me up. Passing the den, I notice Shane inside. He is sitting in the darkness, staring out of the window at the full moon. I should leave him in peace but something about seeing him sitting there all alone makes my heart ache for him.
I walk over to where he is and sit on the other end of the sofa. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” I say, reminded of the night he took me to his spot on the lake and quite literally promised me the moon. And I promised him I would never leave him. I swallow the sob that catches in my throat at the thought of how I let him down so badly.
He sighs deeply, and I realize I’ve probably made a mistake sitting here with him. No doubt, he was enjoying some time alone. But I’m here now so I may as well say my piece. “Look, Shane. You’ve made it perfectly clear how you feel about me. And I totally understand that. I know we’re never going to be what we were…” I trail off because it hurts to say those words out loud.
He turns to me; the moonlight highlighting his handsome features and his muscular shoulders in the darkness. His eyes search mine, waiting for me to finish my sentence.
I take a deep breath. “But, can we at least try and fix whatever the hell is going on between us? Even if it’s only so that we are able to sit in the same room together.”
“Why? What would be the point, Jessie? We will never be what we were to each other.”
I close my eyes as I remember all the memories he and I have made together in this place. How his touch sets my skin on fire. How he makes me step up time and time again and be a better version of myself. “Because nothing is right here when things aren’t right between you and me. All I’m asking is for us to try to forgive each other, even if we can’t forget. I made a mistake, Shane. A huge one, I know. But I’m only human. I know how much it cost you to let me in, and how much it must have hurt when I left.” I brush a tear from my cheek as he sits there, unflinching. “If I could change it, I would. I hate myself for betraying you all like that.” Especially you.
He doesn’t answer me. Instead, he turns back to the window. I stand up and wipe away the tears that are running down my cheeks. At least I tried. I don’t know what else I can say or do to prove to him that he can trust me.
I walk past the back of the sofa and as I pass him, I instinctively reach out my hand and run my fingers through his thick hair. It sends a raft of emotions whirling through my mind. I love his hair. I love running my fingers through it. I love everything about him. Perhaps I owe him the truth, even if he doesn’t want to hear it. “I suppose if I’m asking you to give us a chance to be more than enemies, I should be completely honest and tell you that I didn’t just come back here for your brothers. I missed you too,” I whisper before leaning down and kissing the top of his head. I walk out of the room and head back to bed, hoping that one day he might be able to forgive me for leaving.
I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering what time Conor might be home when my bedroom door opens. Immediately, I smell the distinctive cologne and my stomach somersaults. “Shane?” I whisper.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“Of course,” I sit up slightly as I see his silhouette approaching the bed. My breath sticks in my throat and I swallow. He lies down beside me and places his hand on my stomach. I’m wearing a t-shirt and I’m beneath the covers, but despite the layers between us, I still feel the heat from him searing my skin.
“I missed you too, Hacker,” he says softly.
Hacker! I smile in the darkness. “You did?”
“Yes,” he replies, his voice thick with emotion. “So fucking much.” He reaches for my hand and lifts it to his lips, kissing my fingertips softly and making every nerve ending in my body come alive with energy. “But it doesn’t change anything, Jessie,” he says with a sigh as he lets go of my hand again.
The pain of his words almost chokes me and I stifle a sob. “Are you and Erin a thing again now?”
“No. I never slept with her.”
“But, she said…” I draw in a breath as I recall the hurt I experienced when she walked into the kitchen with that huge smile on her face.
“She said what?” he frowns at me.
“That she spent the night in your bed.”
“Well, she didn’t lie. She did spend the night in my bed, but I wasn’t with her. We had a few drinks to celebrate a deal she’d help me close. She could never handle her liquor. She was wasted, so I let her have my bed. I slept in my office.”
“Did you undress her?”
“No. I took off her shoes and then I covered her with a blanket.”
“Oh?” I whisper and then we lay there in silence, our breathing matching breath for breath and the air filled with tension and unspoken truths. I shift my position slightly and nudge his body and I swear I hear him groan softly.
“I wish things could be different, Jessie,” he whispers. “I wish that I could be like my brothers and let you back in. I want nothing more than to kiss you right now and tell you that everything between us is okay. But I can’t, because it’s not and I’m not sure it ever can be. And I can’t pretend that it is because I can’t kiss you and not fall in love with you all over again. It took so much faith for me to trust you. I don’t have any left. I let down all of my walls with you…”
“I know,” I say as the tears roll down my cheeks and I don’t bother to stop them. “You’re breaking my heart, Shane, but I understand, and I’m so sorry that I destroyed your trust in me. I’m sorry I destroyed us.”
“Hey,” he brushes the tears from my cheeks. “It’s not all on you, sweetheart. I promised we’d be just sex. I should have made sure it stayed that way.”
“No, you shouldn’t.” I shake my head. “I’m glad we were so much more than that.”
“But why? When it hurts so fucking much?”
“I know that it hurts now. But I would feel this every day for the rest of my life for one more moment like that with you. It was worth it, wasn’t it?” I turn to look at him and can see the pain in his eyes even in the faint light of the room.
He brushes the hair back from my face. “Yeah,” he smiles at me before leaning forward and pressing a soft, chaste kiss on my forehead. “Night, Hacker,” he whispers before climbing off the bed and walking out of the room.