Runaway Love

I woke up with pain in my face. Panic filled me. Too often I had woken to this kind of pain, caused by my husband. Had he found me again? A hand fell on my shoulder, the touch gentle. I jumped, causing my face to throb harder.

"Hey, you're alright sugar." A familiar tone soothed.

My brain struggled to clear the fog. Everything suddenly became clear. The attack, the hospital, surgery. That's why my face was so sore.

I blinked my eyes at the brightness. Oliver's face came into view, he was smiling.

"Welcome back." He said, leaning over and kissing my forehead gently. "Hey." I weakly responded.

It finally entered my mind that we had an appointment with Dr. Darling later. An appointment I needed them to sit in on, because I don't think I could repeat myself more than once. I had already spoken to Dr. Darling about them joining, hoping that he would be able to help us navigate the unsteady water around the topic.

A topic that we were due to talk about anyway, but seemed even more prevalent after the attack yesterday. I waited for the nurse to leave so I could talk with Oliver alone, but she never did. Before long we were back in my room on the OB ward, and it was just the three of us.

My nurse had kept her promise and had a sandwich waiting for me. I wolfed it down with water. Oliver and Sean chuckled as I inhaled my food while I glared at them over my sandwich.

Finally having something in my stomach, I turned my attention to my men. I cleared my throat getting their attention. They turned and looked at me, waiting for me to speak.

"I would like to have you both in my appointment with me this evening," I said, staring between them at the whiteboard with my nurse's details on it.

My gaze fell to Oliver in time to watch him clench his jaw and fists, but not meeting my eyes. Sean kept looking at me confused.

"Are you sure, darling?" he asked, stepping closer.

"Yes, I don't want to have to repeat what we are going to talk about more than I have to. I was planning on bringing you today if you could make it anyway. I hope that Dr. Darling could help us navigate the topic and the emotions that will arise better than if we did it on our own." I said, dropping his gaze and focusing on the knit pattern of the blanket I was under.

Both Sean and Oliver were quiet, but I found my gaze returning to Oliver, taking in his reaction. He already knew what we needed to talk about. We had very briefly talked about when we first reconnected, but in the craziness of life never came back to talk about it.

A small part of me wondered if that was a decision we both had made without realizing it. That we would just acknowledge that it happened, but not share the details and just move on. It surely seemed easier that way at first glance, but I knew deep down this had to be discussed before we could truly move on.

"Can I ask what the topic is, or should I just wait and learn about it later. Clearly, Oliver figured it out." He said, turning his attention toward his friend.

Oliver looked up at Sean, and they seemed to communicate without talking. Suddenly Sean's face fell, and he swallowed hard. He gave a short nod and sat down in a chair next to me, grabbing my hand. "We'll be right here, darling. We won't leave your side." He said, squeezing my hand.

We sat in silence for a while, listening to the TV in the background, sharing the evening news. A knock at the door pulled our attention to a tall man walking in the door.

"Hello, everyone. Hope you are feeling better Josie." He said with a kind smile.

I nodded and he sat down at the foot of the bed, his notepad falling to the bedside table. He pulled out his pen and placed his glasses on his face after cleaning them. Something he did every session.

"We had just left off shortly after you and Josh had discussed having children." He gave me a smile and waited patiently while I took a deep breath and let it out.

"He had come home angry one day. He muttered under his breath about how horrible dinner was, and then after he ate, he went to the bar. I cleaned up from dinner and straightened the house so it was ready for the next day. He always came back late when he went out after dinner, so I went to bed.

I was reading when he got home. He didn't like me up late, always saying I would sleep in and not make him his breakfast. So I flicked the light off when I heard the door shut and laid down, facing the wall. I had hoped he would be drunk enough he'd just pass out like he normally did."

I paused, taking a deep breath. I couldn't look at Sean or Oliver, if I saw them looking at me like they usually did when I was talking about my past I wouldn't be able to continue, and I had to get this out. I knew that this was an important part of healing. No one said anything, so I continued.

"He was restless, he tossed and turned, moved his arms and legs. He wouldn't settle. He finally stilled, so I figured he'd dozed off. I relaxed and closed my eyes. I had just started to doze off when weight was on top of me. He kicked the sheets down, baring my legs. Once they were free, he worked on getting my underwear off.

I tried to get his attention, but he just kept grunting and telling me to be still. The more I fought, the easier it was for him to undress me. When he settled between my legs, I tried to buck him off. The more I fought the more he seemed to like it."

My gaze was on my legs, but in my mind I was only seeing the darkness of the room, feeling his heavy breath on my neck, his weight pressing into me.

"I remembered thinking that if I could just get my legs up high enough I could use my hips to flip him off of me, but no matter how much I tried, he was too heavy. I couldn't stop him, and by the time I realized that he was taking what he wanted, consented or not.

I finally just gave up and laid there, letting him do what he pleased, telling myself it would hurt less if I wasn't fighting. It seemed to last forever when finally he got angry and pulled out.

I remember feeling relief, and thinking that he had given up. Then he flipped me over and crawled back between my legs. We had never been adventurous in our sex life, so it never occurred to me what he wanted to do.

I heard him mumble something about my vagina not being good enough, so he'd find a better hole. It took a moment for my mind to catch up to that comment. Then I felt him pressing into a place no one had ever been before. No warning, no prep. I remember the blinding pain, I couldn't think of anything other than that. Finally, he finished and rolled over, pulling painfully out of me."

"And was that the only time he did that?" Dr. Darling asked, his pen tapping the pad, while his eyes took all of us in.

I shook my head. Oliver stood up and paced back and forth while his hand ran through his hair, his anger coming out in nervous energy. Sean's hands were balled up, and his jaw was tense, but he was still and quiet.

"The next morning he got up and told me it wasn't rape if we were married. That it was my marital duty to do what we did. He told me I was putting out enough, and it was time to have a baby. He would continue to try and breed me by force, or I could give in and be an active participant. I remember his words and tone were cold and emotionless like he was discussing a contract with a client, not addressing his wife. After that, there was no more love or peace in our home. In public, he played the loving, doting husband, but behind closed doors, he was cruel and abusive, in all forms." I said, staring at the freckles on the back of my hand.

"Oliver, why don't you share your thoughts." Dr. Darling said, turning his attention to my soulmate who was pacing like a caged animal.

"Guilt, I feel guilty and angry. No man should force a woman, but if I had realized-no if I had followed my gut, Josh never would have been a part of her life." He said, stopping in front of the window and looking out over the roof of the wing beside us.

"Stop, you couldn't have known. Besides, I'll never be below him again. That's what I tell myself when I have flashbacks or dreams of it. I have you and Sean now, who would never treat me like that." I said, leaning forward. "Damn right." Sean voiced from beside us.

Dr. Darling kept us moving forward, and asking questions, and guiding our conversation until we had spilled everything. An hour later he stood and told us we had made good progress and that he felt that we would be fine. To process what we had shared with each other and if we needed help to call him, he would be happy to see us all again if need be. We said goodbye and spent the rest of the evening watching TV in silence as we each retreated into our own minds and processed the day.