Runaway Devil

My eyes trailed over the tightly-knit trees as they passed. A deeply unsettling thought had anchored itself in my mind and had been festering for days. It ebbed and flowed, I was occasionally distracted from it, but that never lasted long.

Alec shifted gears, the truck transitioning smoothly. He rested his hand on the gearshift and remained silent. It had been this way, traveling in silence, for about a week. I absentmindedly bit my thumb nail and watched the scenery fly by. I looked at the thick blanket of clouds covering the sky. It looked like rain.

"Talk to me," Alec said. His voice was abrupt and cut through the cab of the truck. It took me a moment to respond.

"Hmm?" I looked at him, but he was focused on the road.

"I said, talk to me. You've been quiet and I can see your head working overtime," he glanced at me. "What's up?"

I looked away from him, almost as if I was ashamed. I didn't know how to word what I was thinking. There were so many factors that contributed to our current situation. I felt young and naive suddenly. "I don't think I can keep doing this." My voice was barely a whisper. I had to push through some invisible force keeping me silent. The tightness in my throat didn't let up, I was choking on the words.

Alec didn't respond right away. He let my words hang in the air, making me feel exposed and vulnerable. "This job isn't for everyone," His eyes were sad like he knew this was coming. "But you can't back out now. We've stormed the castle, Kara. You can't say that you're done while still in the castle, that's not how it works."

"And why not?" I was starting to feel like a child. My breathing picked up and my chest ached. "I'm tired, I don't want—"

"This is not about what you want, Kara." His grip on the steering wheel tightened and his fingers turned white. "You told me we needed to hunt these motherfuckers down. I dropped everything, abandoned what I needed, and followed you. I committed. And now we're halfway across the country and you just don't want to anymore?"

I was speechless. His shift in tone changed the atmosphere of the truck. But my momentary silence was replaced with a fury I hadn't known in a long time. "Stop the car." My voice was quiet but far from calm. My whole body shook, my anger boiling over when Alec didn't pull over. "Alec, you need to stop this car. Now." He scowled and finally pulled over, putting his hazards on.

I kicked my door open, sending it flying off its hinges. It landed in the grassy area and slid a solid ten feet. Alec was out of the car in seconds, following me. My claws dug into my palms as I squeezed my fists tighter. I felt the weight of Alec's hand on my shoulder, his intention to pull me around.

His touch sent me over the edge. I grabbed his throat and pushed with everything I had. His body slammed against the truck, rocking it onto two wheels. He stared in shock, the effects of the impact vibrating through his body. I stood there, breathing heavily, glaring at him.

"I said I can't do this. And I meant it. I'm at my limit, I'm done."

"You're just done?" his disbelief pissed me off. "You can't—"

"Yes, I fucking can!" Tears flooded my eyes, I hadn't realized raising my voice would open the flood gates. But it was too late now. "I'm not a soldier anymore, I can't do this. I've lost my edge, Alec. I couldn't—" my voice caught in my throat as the first sob bubbled over. I squeezed my eyes shut, my face screwing up tightly. "I couldn't even handle those savages. They were fucking tearing me apart," I furiously wiped at my face. "They would have killed me. They could have, easily." I looked away, shame washing over me. I wanted to hide, I couldn't stand to be looked at. I was the best of the best in Hell. I was a killing machine, and I liked it. Now what was I? More human than demon?

If I had known that living in the human realm would change me so much I never would have come. My other option was being killed by the council. And at that moment, I would have wanted to die a soldier than grow soft, useless.

The sky above us opened, the first drops of a storm landing on my brow. The air smelled of rain, the earth calling to the skies. "I don't know what it is, but I can't push anymore. I have nothing left." My voice was weak as if the rain washed it away. I released my wings and wrapped myself in them. The rain made my scars itch. I curled into myself, wrapping my arms around my body, shielding my skin from the rain, which was picking up. The trees rustled in the wind behind me and I felt a chill crawl up my spine.

Alec approached slowly, placing his arms and wings over my own. His wings dwarfed mine, covering me completely. I listened to the rain evaporate on contact, it sizzling quietly. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead on Alec's chest, exhausted in more ways than one. His cheek rested on the top of my head in a fatherly gesture.

I allowed myself to be taken care of, even if it was just for a moment. Before I could stop myself, I thought of Jareth. I couldn't recall a time he cared for me, or I for him. We always had each other's backs, we were a deadly pairing on the battlefield. That eventually graduated to a physical relationship, and we found comfort when we needed it in each other. But I couldn't recall a time we ever really took care of one another.

"Is it even safe for us to go back?" I asked. My question was tentative, I knew it wasn't. The whole town would be crawling with demons, angels, and everything in between.

"No."

"Can we anyway?"

"Yes." The tension in my body released and I melted into him. He met me with strong arms. "Come on," he led me to the car, settling me in the passenger seat. I let my eyes droop as he retrieved the car door. "You did a number on this babe," he assessed the damage but found it functional. He grunted as he held it in place, using a white-hot flame to weld it back together. The rain cooled it instantaneously. "Well, now it won't go flying off."

I bit my lip to keep from smiling. I slouched and snuggled into the warmth of my wings, debating if I should take a nap or not. Balan squawked in the backseat, catching my attention. He was hopping around impatiently. "You want to be a hound again, right?" He barked at me with his strange vulture sounds and started tearing up the seats. "Hey, stop that," I turned in my seat as if to discipline a child. "Fine, sit still."

Pulling my remaining energy to the surface, I followed the thread that connected us. I manipulated my mental image of him until he was back in his dog's skin. I was almost done when I decided to shift his form just a tad. I gave him the Cane Corso's size, but the bulk of a Presa Canario. He was taller and thicker than before. He now had the capability of tearing a horse apart no problem. I opened my eyes and took a look at my handy work. He sat there with his chest out, proud as ever. His smiling jowls dripped with slobber, he was satisfied with the final result.

I settled back into my seat and looked at Alec, who was pulling back into traffic. We drove for a few hours in comfortable silence, the energy between us finally calmed.

Once again, Alec was the one to break it. "You're still a soldier, Karau." I waited for him to continue, not knowing where he was headed. "You're still that beast they made down in Hell. You have more now, you are more now." I thought back to our first encounter. We almost killed each other, and now we were traveling across the country, hunting and killing together.

I struggled to see it the same way. I was born a soldier, and I thought I would die a soldier. That's what I was bred for, groomed for. And now there were so many unknowns. I didn't have any solid ground to stand on, and I felt like I was stumbling blindly, hoping that it would be okay. I didn't trust myself. Everything used to be so simple. The counsel would say kill and I would ask how many.

And now, everything was different, I was different. I didn't know the person I had become. Somewhere along the way, I got lost, and I didn't know if I could find my way back. Did I even want to find my way back?