River

Ben

It’s dark in here, and I’ve been left alone. The jailor, Thomas, told me he’d be back, but I don’t care. Just leave me here in the dark. It’s appropriate. Everything will always be dark for me. I never want to see light again.

Of course fate must always mock me. The door opens, and somebody comes in and lights a lantern. “Ben?” I hear. I recognize Gregor’s voice.

I look up, finding it hard to care enough to even want to talk to him. There’s only one thing I could ever care about again.

And, shockingly, there he is. Samuel is standing behind Gregor and Thomas. I bolt to my feet.

I look past the two in front, having eyes only for Samuel. He is here? Will I have the chance to explain, to apologize, to try to salvage my life? I desperately try to meet his eyes through the bars of my cell, but he is staring only at the floor.

My heart sinks again, and I know the crushing truth. No, I will not be able to find my way back to him. He does not want to even look at me. I was right all along. He will never forgive me. It is over.

I think that Thomas has been speaking, but I haven’t been listening to him. I suddenly realize that he has gotten out the keyring, put a key into the lock in the door I am behind, and opened it up.

I stand still in the cell, unsure of what I am supposed to do. What is this now? Am I being transferred? Am I being hung? That seems awfully fast, but I am resigned to it. If I can’t be with Samuel, I would just as soon hang.

Gregor comes in the cell with a sad little smile on his face. He puts his hand on my shoulder.

I feel slightly calmer.

“What Thomas said is true,” he tells me. “The accusation against you has been retracted. There is no longer any reason to hold you here. You are free to go.”

Is that what Thomas was saying?

I look over at the jailor, and I’m sure my eyes seem wild. He shrugs. “Yeah. Go on.”

Then I look at Samuel, still wishing hopelessly that he would make eye contact with me, share with me the moment of my rescue. But he is merely standing perfectly still, staring at the floor. Why is he even here if he won’t acknowledge me?

Half of me wants to just turn around and curl up on the cot in the cell.

Gregor actually wraps his arm around my shoulder and leads me out. “Come on,” he says, “Let’s go home.” I am baffled and reluctant until he adds, “We need to check on David.”

Ah. Now I understand. Samuel is only here to accompany Gregor to the boarding house, so that he can examine his patient.

I nod to myself. I will have to just bear this, being in Samuel’s company, knowing myself to be rejected and reviled.

At least I know he will still care for my friend.

And he will do the best job he can. It is one of the many things I love about him. I know that I will always feel this love, tangled up with this despair.

But I will not impose upon him. He is done with me, and that is all my fault. The least I can do is not try to make it any worse for him. So I follow silently along behind Gregor as we leave the jail, and head down to Under-the-hill. I don’t try to talk to Samuel. That would only make this more difficult for him.

It’s the only way I can love him now. Silently, from a distance, not inflicting my love on him.

So that is what I do.

I hear Gregor heaving a sigh as we get to the boarding house.

Samuel Duncan

I can feel his eyes on me, but I can’t look. I don’t want to. If I was to look into his eyes, I would see the eyes from my memory, the eyes from the Trace. I would know, all over again, how much he has deceived me. How false our love always was.

I just need to get this over with. I can’t ignore a patient, just because my love life has crashed to earth and is lying scattered in heaping ruins. I hope that David is doing all right. I want this to be over. I don’t want to keep having to come back here. I don’t want to have to be this close to Ben, to feel the waves of emotion coming off him, to feel the magnetic pull that I am resisting with every ounce of my strength. This is torture.

We enter the boarding house, and it sounds like supper is still happening in the dining room. There is a great deal of conversation and laughter coming from that direction.

To my surprise, rather than passing by and proceeding up the stairs, Gregor leads us into the dining room.

In a moment, I hear many voices calling out, saying with much laughter, “Gregor!” and “There’s the scoundrel!” and “Learn to man your post better!”

I am terribly confused by this, and made even more so by realizing that one of the men laughing and enjoying his supper is David. He hardly looks like somebody who might have died today.

I sense Ben looking over at me, as though wishing to explain something, but I studiously avoid meeting his eyes. I simply stand, awkwardly, holding my physician’s bag, and looking at my patient who appears possibly a bit flushed and tired, but not terribly unwell.

Gregor puts a smile on his face and enters the fray, his hands held in the air, laughing as well. “I owe you all an apology, gentlemen, for failing in my duty!” He looks aside at me, as I stand baffled, and explains, “I dropped my rope today, and the pile driver crashed.” He grins as the room explodes in laughter again. He adds, more loudly, “I wouldn’t be surprised if Geoffrey banned me from ever participating again!” More raucous laughter.

He moves through the crowd, receiving many pats on the back and punches on the arm, until he reaches David. He puts his hand on David’s shoulder, and leans in to say something quietly to him. David nods and rises, and comes over to me.

“Well,” I tell him, “why don’t we go upstairs so I can examine you.”

I am relieved that Gregor and Ben stay behind as we go up the stairs to his room.