SWNOVELS Chapter The great sadness.
A hand touches my shoulder and I look at the man who is looking at me with tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Damon. I know that…''
"You've made your decision." He strokes my cheek and I look at Alfa Jan's pack house. 'No, Lana. Don't go,” Damon pleads.
"Sorry, I have to."
I walk to the house and quickly go to the room where the woman is cleaning up everything. "Where's my cub," I scream, pushing the woman up against the wall with one hand. She points at the table. I look at a wicker basket and the white blankets that lie in it. I release the woman and rush to the basket. I remove the top blanket from the basket and look at my daughter's pale face. Damon enters and looks in the basket as well. He caresses one cheek of the little girl and when our eyes meet, I fly into his arms. We are both crying for the loss of our cub. For the rest, I've lost a lot of memory of what happens next. We drove to the woman's house and got a room with a bathroom. Damon and I do our thing. He sits down on the edge of the bed and I go to the bathroom.
After my shower, I enter an empty room, wrapped in a towel. There's a note on my bed.
Dearest Lanna,
I still have a few things to sort out before we go back to our home.
Sleep tight.
I put the note on the night table and crawl into bed. It's hard for me to fall asleep this night and when I do I hear my little girl's crying. I cry myself to sleep afterwards.
When I wake up after the short sleep I had, I feel the empty place next to me. When I come downstairs, the woman says that Damon is in the car. When I crawl into the car next to him, he doesn't even look up. I feel guilty and my head is filled with questions. Is he mad at me for choosing him or because I was so naive to come here alone and so our cub...
“Damon…” I want to ask when I'm interrupted by a shht. Damon shows a stop sign with his hand and keeps looking out. I sigh and my whole body quivers before staring out like him. The ride home is quiet, and I watch Damon stare out with a weary look. If I put my hand on his, he pulls it away. First we go to the funeral home where they take over our daughter with extreme caution. 'King and Queen, this evening you can come by for your daughter. We're sorry that our princess…' Her breath catches and the woman starts to sob softly.
Upon arrival at our pack house, the whole family is outside. From the red eyes I think everyone already knows the news of our loss. When I get out of the car, my mother wants to comfort me, but I just pass everyone and go to my old room. I stay in my room for three days and don't eat my food. On the fourth day, my mother made me.
This night is the night before the funeral. I haven't seen Damon since the car trip. Not even this afternoon if everyone was sitting at the table.
'Where's Damon?' I ask Alpha Erik. "In his office, drowning in his work." I get up and walk to his office. I knock on the door and hear my husband yell, "Come in." I step inside and the first thing I smell is the strong smell of whiskey. Damon's hair is unkempt and the thick beard shows that he doesn't take care of himself. His brown and orange eyes look at me ferociously. I can't see his aura anymore, but I definitely feel I'm not welcome.
"Damon, I..."
'What? Keep it short, I have a lot to do.' Tears are in my eyes, but I am also angry at the moment. I pound my fist on the table, but all I get in response is Damon looking at his desktop. I raise my hand and try to hit him, but he holds my hand tightly.
'What are you planning?'
"Smack some reason in your head." Damon looks curiously at me.
'Damon? Are you mad at me because I chose you?' He looks at me for a while and sighs before he lets go of my arm.
'Yes. Our daughter was supposed to live. Not me." “Damon, I chose you because you're my Mate. I need you. I feel incomplete without you.' Damon stands up takes me by the neck and pins me to the wall.
I look fearfully at my furious husband, but his eyes suddenly beg and he lets go of me.
'You can live without me. Our daughter had her whole life ahead of her. I...I can't take the sadness, Lana." Damon's eyes are watering.
'Damon, our daughter is happy with Selene. She will always be remembered even if her life was so short. Our parents, our subjects, and later our children and grandchildren, will all remember her. Damon, don't make it any harder for me. I feel so guilty already. And…” Damon breaks my words off with a forceful, pain-filled kiss. Tears are rolling down our cheeks. Damon breaks our kiss, resting his forehead against mine. 'I'm not angry with you. But thought I could only deal with my grief. I feel guilty for being the one alive.' He sighs deeply and then asks, "Are we going to sleep?" I'm so tired.'
We immediately go to our bedroom and when Damon is in my arms this time, he bursts into tears. My tears have flowed too much these last days. I hug him tight and kiss his forehead repeatedly. We spend the rest of the afternoon in each other's arms and share our grief for the loss of our daughter.
That night we go to see our daughter for the last time. The last time before her casket closes for good and never opens again. I never got over my heart, but now I must. I'd never forgive myself
We enter a cool room and soft music plays in the background. A white crib framed with pink flowers catches my attention. The little beautiful creature inside looks like she's sleeping. The white creature that I remember from that night has pink cheeks. I turn around, because at this moment my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces. My wolf is howling . The pain she feels is just the same as mine. Damon comes over and hugs me tight. We are not crying, only the sound of the music can be heard.