Remembering You

I have not spoken to you lately. It is not that I have forgotten or am too busy to tell you everything. I have not spoken to you lately. It is not because I have too much shame in my life to tell you about it, or am stuck too much in my thoughts to tell you how I am. I have not spoken to you lately, and even that is a mystery to me.

You were the one I turned to when things were looking down. And maybe it is just I have moved on. Or maybe it is just I have not felt sane enough to speak to you. Maybe I have lost my way when it comes to you. I turned my back to do some regretful things. I became a person who you would have hated. I dated a guy I never would have dated if I was not trying to escape my pain. I was hoping if I stayed quiet long enough, you would eventually disappear.

I have not spoken to you lately; it might as well be my fault. I put myself through hell. Thinking everything would be okay. But without the memories of you constantly replaying in my mind I think I am lost. I have not forgotten the love I had for you. It is something that drug me down to the depths of hell that I can never return from. But it was not the love you would think was bad for you, it was love I could not let go.

I have not spoken to you lately. Maybe it is due to being stuck in my head. Constantly worried whether someone likes me or if I am just a waste of space. Constantly thinking whether that food I am craving is worth the extra calories or if I should continue to not eat as much. Maybe it is me constantly thinking I am not worth someone’s attention. Or that I am annoying everyone I talk to.

I have not spoken to you. This is an unusual thing to me. A mystery wrapped in misery. I am continuously breaking myself because of the memories I had with you. And that is why I have not spoken to you. You were my world four years ago, but your past killed me. I gave up my life to save yours. Continuously hoping maybe, I found my end, maybe my love was good enough for him to stick around. Your love was both heavenly and hell worthy. To many beliefs, you were my first love and it will be my favorite.

I have not spoken to you. But that is not the only thing I have not done. I have not gone to our spot. I have not seen our friends. And when I did, I could not even recognize who I have become. I was this shadow flowing through those conversations, waiting for them to end. I have not been to see your father since that last time when he forgave me. I have not seen happiness since you left, until now.

Because I have not seen misery. I have not seen the pain haunt me like it had. I promise the love I spoke of to you is still there. A friend of ours asked me why I still believe in love when all it has done is failed me? I promised I would, but not all love is the same.

I have not spoken to you lately. It is not that I have forgotten. Or am too busy to tell you everything. I have not spoken to you lately. It is not due to having too much shame in my life or due to being stuck in my thoughts to tell you about it. I have not spoken to you lately. That is due to finally letting go.