Reluctantly You (Our Exception Book 3)

Mitch

I’m fucking nervous as I park the car and meander down to the beach. It’s like I’m going on a first date.

“You’re cool with this. Gay is cool. Being gay is fine,” I tell myself as I stand in the parking lot, the wind whipping at my clothes. I can pretend. I can fucking lie my way through this.

My hands are shoved in the pockets of my nicely pressed pants, and I can feel them trembling.

Don’t fucking blow this, Mitch.

I glance down and see my dark blue button-up shirt I ironed before heading down here and fuck, it’s buttoned up wrong. I pull my hands out of my pockets and quickly fix it, swearing under my breath the entire time. Can’t even get this shit right. Good hell, this evening is going to suck. I’m going to fuck it up, like I always do.

I run a hand across my neatly trimmed beard and sigh.

No, think positive. It won’t suck. It will probably just blow. I may blow it.

For some weird reason, Gideon pops into my head. I picture him standing next to me, glaring at me with those annoying fucking eyes that keep haunting my dreams. I don’t know why, but the image of him gets me moving.

My feet hit the pavement as I make my way toward the sand. I see Max and Matt huddled together, conversing intensely. I bet they’re talking about me. Not that I blame them. They’re probably trying to figure out how to diffuse this situation, or, even worse, trying to decide if they should cancel this entire dinner.

My eyes flit down to Max’s side, and I see a black and white dog seated next to him. Don’t know what breed it is, but its tongue is lolling out of its mouth as it watches the waves in the distance. Almost longingly.

“Hey,” I say after finally gathering the courage to speak. The two of them part quickly, turning to glance at me.

“Hey, bro,” Matt says as he comes up to slap at my back. I do the same, trying to corral my awkwardness.

Max steps up and slaps me on the shoulder, looking slightly reluctant, the dog sniffing my pants intently. It moves its wet nose up to my crotch, and I gently push it away. Don’t need wet dog boogers on my zipper when I meet their significant others.

“We were just going to go for a short walk before dinner,” Max says, laughing when the dog comes right back to sniff me.

“Cool,” I say, stepping away from the wet snout and shoving my hands back in my pockets. “So, whose dog is that?” I ask.

“Mine. That’s Doggo.” Just as Max says his name, the dog barks.

I reach down and pat its head, letting it sniff and lick my palm. Better that than my dick.

“Well, you look all dressed up,” Max says, and I nod.

“Yeah, wanted to make a good impression.”

He grins and then socks me in the arm. “Alright, want to head down this way? Doggo loves to jump in the waves. And I wouldn’t mind him burning off some energy so we can eat in peace.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

We walk side by side, Doggo tugging on the leash, a ball of energy now that we’re moving.

“So…” Matt says and Max nudges him in the arm. “Right. So, what’s new?” he asks after a pregnant pause.

“Nothing,” I lie. “Should be asking you what’s new. Since, you know…you’re both married.”

Their eyes flash to one another, guilt creeping along their faces.

“Mitch…” Max begins, but I wave it off.

“You don’t need to explain. I get it. Still pisses me off. You should have at least told me. But I get why you didn’t.”

I do, but it still hurts like fuck. When I think about it too hard, it hurts to breathe.

“We just didn’t want…well, we didn’t want you to ruin it,” Matt admits honestly and I cringe, my fists balling up. My teeth are grinding so hard my jaw aches, but I refuse to say anything to fuck tonight up.

I have a bad habit of opening my fat mouth and letting shit spew out. And I don’t want that to happen. Not now. Not when they’re giving me another chance.

“We’re sorry we didn’t tell you. We didn’t mean to hurt you,” Max says softly, and I give them both a clipped nod, keeping my eyes focused on the ocean, not wanting them to see how badly those admissions sting.

“It’s fine,” I finally manage to say, my voice breaking slightly. Fucking hate that they can hear it, the hurt in my words.

“We really would like you to meet Coop and Beau—officially, I mean—but we just wanted to talk to you first…”

“To make sure I’m not an asshole?” I bite out.

They shift and then Max nods. “Yeah. We…well, we love them. We love you. We don’t want you to hurt them. We just want you to get along.”

I blink as I fold my arms across my chest, the button-up shirt I’m wearing suddenly feeling too tight. I shouldn’t have worn this. I feel so fucking exposed.

“I’ll be nice. I won’t talk about the gay shit.”

Max and Matt let out a collective breath. “Awesome. I mean, you can talk about gay shit, but only the nice stuff, yeah?” Max says, and I nod.

He grins as he leans down and lets Doggo off his leash. He bounds toward the waves, nearly toppling over as he goes, and the three of us stand there watching him snap at the water, his fur growing wet as he barks happily at the seagulls.

“He’s such a goober,” Max says, and Matt chuckles lowly.

“Yeah he is. Maybe we’ll get a dog one day.”

“You should. It’s been fun,” Max replies.

“I got a cat,” I interject and both of them turn toward me. Max lets out a surprised laugh.

“How?”

“It came into my house one day,” I explain, and Matt throws his arm over my shoulders.

“And now it won’t leave?” he asks.

“Yeah. Seems I’m stuck with it now.”

“That’s kind of like Doggo,” Max says. “Beau basically told me we’d co-parent him because we were just friends at the time, and the next thing you know, we’re living together.”

“Married,” Matt corrects and then winks at him.

Max flushes and nods. “Yeah, it’s awesome, right?”

Matt nods and then glances over at me, looking slightly nervous. “You have anyone?”

I feel my stomach clench as I shake my head. “Just the cat.”

“Really?” Matt asks, and I nod. I know what they’re thinking. Usually I’m rambling on and on about the hot chicks I’m banging, but it’s all been a fucking lie.

I’m a fucking liar.

I should want it for real, should want women, but I just fucking don’t. God, it makes me so angry. The way I’ve tried to no avail.

“Yep, not dating right now.”

“Not even a fuck buddy? A situationship?”

“No. Just work and working out.”

“Bummer,” Max replies, and I fake agreement.

Part of me wants to come clean to tell them how I spend some of my evenings, how I cruise the popular areas and let guys suck my cock, how I have a gay hookup app on my phone hidden in a benign folder. I also want to tell them about our dad…their dad, but I don’t want to put a damper on the evening. It’s amazing they even asked me over, considering how I’ve behaved in the past.

My mind drifts again to Gideon. What would he think about all of this? About my past behavior? About me meeting up with my brothers now?

I shake my head with a scowl. I shouldn’t be thinking of him at all.

Max’s phone buzzes and he grins down at it. “That’s Beau. We should head back. Dinner’s almost ready.” He turns toward me. “Hope you like ravioli. Coop and Beau have been working on making them since this morning.”

My stomach rumbles at the thought. “Yeah, it sounds good.”

“Right, give me a second. Gotta round up the kid.”

He jogs toward Doggo, and Matt and I watch while he tries to leash him, getting his pants slightly wet in the process.

“I really am sorry,” Matt says after a few seconds of silence.

“Me too. I—” I don’t even know what to say. “I’m just glad I’m here.”

“Same,” Matt says and then puts his arm around my shoulders once more and leads me toward the loft where he lives. I’ve been here before, having followed him into the lobby when I saw him with another man. I saw the way they looked at one another that night. I knew then that Matt was able to do what I’ve never been able to.

That he was able to be with another man, openly. To love one.

“You know what’s funny, I went to a club with Coop a while back, and I swore I thought I saw you there. Crazy, right?”

My heart thuds in my chest, and I feel my skin grow hot.

“Yeah, fucking nuts.”

“Shit, I’m going to have to change,” Max interrupts as Doggo shakes his fur out. Matt laughs, sounding so fucking happy in this moment.

How the hell do I end up like that? Is that even possible for me? With all the shit that’s gone down recently, I don’t know if it is. I don’t know if I can change. I don’t know if I’m meant to be happy like that.

Maybe my karma in life is that I pay for being an asshole.

“I have some clothes you can borrow,” Matt says and then leads us into an upscale lobby, a doorman greeting him by name. Max seems comfortable with all of it, indicating he’s been here often while I’ve been left out, uninvited and alone.

It makes me simultaneously angry and hurt, my emotions roiling inside of me like the waves outside. Brooding and ugly. A red-and-purple haze filters through my vision as Matt presses a button and scans a keycard. Moments later, we’re moving up in a sleek elevator, exiting into a beautiful space that overlooks the ocean.

Yeah, I knew it, but this solidifies all of it. Matt’s husband has money.

We round the corner and I see Beau and Coop in the kitchen, both wearing aprons and smiling at one another. The scent of Italian spices fills the room, and I feel my stomach growl once more.

“Oh, you guys look windswept,” Coop says and then leans forward and presses a kiss to Matt’s cheek. “Did you get any seashells?”

Matt’s cheeks flush red as he murmurs “no”and his fingers thread through Coop’s auburn hair as he pulls him in for a deep kiss.

I glance away as Beau pulls Max into a hug, nuzzling into his neck.

This all makes my stomach churn uncomfortably. I don’t want to see this. I can’t fucking see this.

Is it really this easy? How do they make it look so fucking easy?

“Coop, you’ve met Mitch, our oldest brother,” Matt says, and I give him a small nod.

“Yeah, we’ve met.”

Coop grins at me, his lips slightly red from the kiss Matt planted on his mouth, but I force my gaze away once more.

“And this is Beau,” Max says.

“Nice to meet you,” I reply, doing my best to smile and not sneer. I don’t want to offend them, don’t want to do the wrong thing. I’m trying really fucking hard right now, and I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams.

“Do you guys want a drink? I have some very good wine for the occasion. But we also have beer, water, soda. I have all sorts of things⁠—”

“I’ll have wine,” Matt interrupts before Coop can list off an entire grocery list.

“I’ll take a beer,” I say, and Max chimes in that he’ll have one as well.

Coop nods, walking to the fridge, pulling out our drinks and handing one to me. I crack it open and take a long sip, needing some liquid courage in this moment. I feel so out of place, so fucking weird. I don’t know how to act or what to say. I don’t know who I am in this moment.

Who the fuck am I anymore?

“Thirsty?” Matt asks with a small laugh, and I shake my head.

“Yeah and nervous.”

His lips part at my sincerity and then he slugs me in the arm.

“Don’t worry. Just don’t be an asshole.”

“It comes naturally,” I reply, and he grins at me.

“I don’t blame you, not entirely. We get it from our dad.”

Good fuck. I take another long drink, feeling the sting in the back of my throat. Shit. I still don’t know who my biological dad is. I know I could find out, but I don’t know if I want to know.

I don’t fucking know what to do.

A small burp escapes my lips, and I run a hand across my mouth. It doesn’t matter right now. I just need to get through this dinner without pissing everyone off. I just need to not be myself.

“So, we have a caprese salad for an appetizer,” Coop explains, pulling a plate from the fridge. There are tomatoes, basil, and fresh mozzarella cheese, drizzled in olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

It looks fucking good.

“Do you like this?” Coop asks. “I hope you don’t have an aversion to tomatoes or cheese.”

“Nah, looks fucking good.”

He grins at my compliment and then moves to the stove, stirring something in the pot.

“Smells really good too,” I add, and Max chuckles.

“You don’t need to kiss ass,” he whispers, and I narrow my gaze at him.

“Yeah, I do,” I reply as I scoop some tomatoes and cheese onto a small plate and shovel it into my mouth. “Mmm.”

“That olive oil is from Italy. From Coop’s parents’ home,” Matt explains, looking proud.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and get ready to have your mind blown. Coop’s a really good cook.”

“Hey, don’t brag too hard. It’s more of a hobby. It’s fun for me. To take care of people. Cooking is one way that I can do that,” Coop replies.

Just as he says that, he walks over to me, a spoon in his hand. He extends it out to me, and I stare at it.

What the fuck is he doing?

“Taste it,” he prods, and I can’t say no. I’m not going to say that tonight, so I just let my lips part as he slides the spoon between my lips. Flavors explode on my tongue and I bite back a groan.

“Good?” he asks, his eyes twinkling.

“Yeah.”

“Great. Well, since I have your approval, I’m going to dish you all up. Matt, can you grab the garlic bread from the oven, and Beau, can you grab the parmesan from the fridge?”

Several minutes later, we’re all seated around a table, food piled before us, and I have to stop myself from grabbing my fork and shoveling it all into my mouth at once.

I haven’t had anything this good in ages. Fuck plain chicken and broccoli. That’s boring shit compared to this.

“Go ahead and eat up,” Coop says, and I take a meager bite, trying to behave, but instincts interrupt and I end up piling it in as fast as I can.

“I think he likes it,” Coop whispers, and Matt grins.

“He does. Probably been living off protein shakes and shit, right?”

I nod, cheeks bulging. “Yeah. Haven’t had pasta in a while. It’s really fucking good.”

“Well, there’s plenty more where that came from,” Coop replies as I tear into a piece of garlic bread like a rabid wolf.

They probably think I’m starving. And I am, in a way. Starved for this, for companionship, for love.

“Thank you,” I say, flicking my eyes up and meeting Coop’s. He smiles softly at me, the diamond earrings in his ears glinting in the light.

“Of course. Anytime.”

I grunt in acknowledgment, getting back to work and scraping my plate clean. When I’m done, I sit back and listen to them chat, filling me in on their lives. There’s so much I’ve missed out on, little details about what they’ve gone through, how they’ve grown. And they talk about Magnus too, little snippets of his life filled with joy and happiness and children.

I just listen intently, knowing that they’re being careful about what they say, not wanting me to interject with something bigoted and foolish.

But I won’t. I’m biting my tongue. I’m going to keep my thoughts to myself.

“Now that everyone’s done, want to go sit outside? I have dessert,” Coop asks.

“Sure.”

He claps his hands in excitement and stands up, striding to the kitchen to grab something from the fridge.

Max, Matt, and Beau go over to help, and I’m left at the table.

Alone. Again.

Suddenly, I feel so small, so horrible. My stomach aches and not from the amount of food I shoveled in there. It’s obvious Coop went to a lot of trouble for this, all for me. And I’ve been nothing but horrible to them all. I don’t deserve this.

I don’t deserve any of it.

“I, um, need to use the bathroom,” I say, standing up suddenly. “Where is it?”

“Yeah, this way,” Matt replies as he leads me to a small powder room near the front door. With a muttered thanks, I step inside and close the door, leaning my head against the cool wall and shutting my eyes

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why am I like this?

I know this hate I have inside of me, for myself and for others, was taught to me by my dad and mom, but how did I not see it? How did I not look past all those hateful words and see how wonderful differences could be?

I’ve been missing out, been so blind.

I knock my forehead against the wall and let out a sputtered breath.

Fuck.

I need to leave before I break down. I want to crumble.

But before I can reach for the door handle, my phone rings, a loud, ugly chime that startles me.

I grab for it and stare down at the name on my screen.

Gideon.

My brain immediately flashes back to my dream. His cock pushing against my hole. His murmured words.

Say please.

I shove it away, replacing the feelings with the one I’m most familiar with—anger.

What the fuck does he want? Why the hell is he calling? This better not be about fucking work.

I stab at my phone and answer with the grumpiest voice I can muster. “Yeah?”

“Mitchell, where are you?” he asks, and I feel my heart rate pick up.

“Is this a work thing?”

“No, it’s personal.”

“Then it’s none of your business.”

I hear him huff and then the rustling of something in the background. A plastic bag, perhaps?

“I stopped by to check on you.”

“Fuck off. I don’t need you checking on me,” I grump, and he lets out a small laugh.

“Sue me for fucking caring.”

“Yeah, well I don’t need you caring about me. I’m fine. I’m with my brothers.”

I don’t know why I admit that, but I do. It’s out there now, sitting heavily between us.

“Hm. Good,” he finally says, and I let out a breath. “Meet me tomorrow at the gym. Seven a.m.?”

“Sure,” I murmur, and he hangs up.

The rest of the evening with my brothers goes well. I manage to play it cool and not overreact, but fuck, seeing Matt cuddle into Cooper and watching Max kiss Beau makes something unfurl inside of me.

I’m jealous, practically green with it.

When I finally arrive home, I’m wrung out. My body feels weak, and I suddenly have the urge to sleep for days straight.

Of course, Little Pantaloons won’t let me. She meows angrily, and so I feed her some wet food and then give her a few treats before scooping her up and carrying her into the bedroom and collapsing onto the bed.

She curls up on my neck and starts to make little biscuits. I should push her away, should toss her outside, but I just lean into the small little purrs emanating from her body and let it lull me to sleep.

When I wake up in the middle of the night, I ache, a deep innate throb that I can’t satiate. My cock is hard and throbbing against the mattress and I rut against it, trying to ease the tension, but it only builds. A raging inferno inside of me.

Fuck, this is becoming a problem.

I need to take care of it or I won’t be able to sleep.

Quickly, I shuffle out of bed and move to the bathroom, locking the door, as if Little Pantaloons will come in and interrupt, but I honestly need my privacy for what I’m going to do.

Again.

I grab the lube from the drawer, pull my boxers down and squirt it onto my dick. My fingers flex around the throbbing length as I pump it in my fist, my chin hitting my chest. When that alone isn’t enough, I set my foot on the toilet lid and I squirt some more of the liquid onto my fingers, sliding it down my crack and pressing one gently into my hole.

My mouth parts on a gasp as I work it in, deeper and deeper, as far as it can go. My hand on my cock is shuttling up and down faster as I start to finger myself, my body trembling with need. With disgust.

Oh fuck, this is disgustingly good.

My finger crooks and I hit something inside of me, making a revolting moan slip from my lips.

Oh fuck. Oh fuuuuuck.

I press against it again, my movements stuttering as I try to comprehend this.

I can’t…I can’t breathe.

My eyes roll back in my head and my entire body starts to shake, my thighs trembling as my release barrels through me. My balls tighten and draw up into me, my nostrils flaring as I try to draw breath. And then I feel my cock twitch and cum shoots from the tip, spraying across the counter in front of me. My finger is still inside me, pushing and pressing that tender spot over and over, drawing out the orgasm until I’m slumped forward, my elbows on the cool tile, my entire body shivering from bliss.

“Oh. Shit. Oh. Fuck,” I gasp as I lather and rinse my hands and then splash water on my face. The coolness helps me calm down slightly, but still.

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck did I just do?

What I did was irreversible. Now I know.