SWNOVELS Chapter 59: Sleep
"Right now, all we have is time to kill. Sierra is a couple of days before we even know how much recovery she's going to need. It
may be weeks before either of you are unbound. For now, we need to spread this among the pack and let them decide whose
side they are on. Hybrids have always been a secret, and now their leaders are mixes of the enemies they hold within them. The
pack needs to know everything, and after, those who are still here, and choose to stay, they can't ever hold it against any of us
again.... we are who we are." Meadow gets up and stands beside Colton, turning to the rest of the pack and drawing my eve
back across the room at them from my horizontal position. What she says makes perfect sense and yet it's utterly terrifying.
Outing everything to the rest of the pack. Telling them what I am, what he is, what they are, and opening all out and laying it bare
for them to choose which side they want to follow. We may lose everyone. There has never been an outpouring of such honesty
among this pack for decades under Juan's rule. Some may not want to accept the truth.
"We give them a choice and until my mom wakes up, to make a decision. Stay and accept me and Alora or go back to the
mountain to my dad, whom they might deem their true alpha if they think I'm impure. From now on, no more secrets. We let the
Shaman teach what he knows to be true in the school hall, and whoever wants to know can join in." Colton's voice is hoarse, a
husky undertone of fatigue, and he rubs his hand over the back of his neck, rolling his shoulders before exhaling heavily. A sign
he's stressing about this choice, but he knows it's inevitable. His intentions are the right thing, but much like me, there's
apprehension in him and a fear the pack will up and leave when they know what he is. What I am.
"Let's get to it at first light. We can split up and project on small groups at a time, let them pass it on. Won't take long to cover the
whole pack and spread the memories. That gives us the whole day to get through all of them, but right now, we should all sleep.
We've had a long night and the new patrols are out doing the walks already. We need rest." Meadow claps her hands to get
everyone up, and the air of heavy mood and simmering anger at the lies they were drip fed their whole life is evident in the smog
around them. It's thick, and dense, like I could cut it with a knife.
The subs are angry, hurt, confused, but one thing is clear. It didn't change the loyalty, or love, within any one of them and through
all of the emotions swirling in this room, one stands out the strongest. The unity and devotion they have for one another. The
sense of solidarity, that any one of them are one hundred percent behind Colton with whatever he wants to do. That's a real
pack, that's the bond of family, and I know I'm not officially one of them, but they make me feel as though I am. They're my pack,
no matter what happens with Colton, they're not going to lose me for a second time. I need these people.
One by one they stand and begin to shuffle out of the room, some of the boys stopping to fist bump Colton on the way by in that
very bro way they have with one another, they wave my way, and I sit up properly, pulling myself to the edge of the bed to stand
,and find out where I'm meant to go, but Colton's voice in my head stills me.
Stay put. You look beat and need the rest. This room is fine, and no one will come in here without my say so. His voice inside my
head, always that aching wave of intimacy, and yet sorrow, and all I can do is nod his way and avoid direct eye contact. I'm too
fatigued for more emotional head mess and his lips are still lingering on mine from his kiss earlier, tingling softly, reminding me
that when it comes to him, I'm stupidly weak, especially when I'm this tired.
I flop back down, glad I don't have to now find the energy to go anywhere, but at the same time, I feel a little disorientated at the
thought of staying here by myself. I've been alone for weeks, knowing only the solitude, and sounds of nature, and the wilds.
Now here I am, thrust back into civilization and tossed around for the last twenty-four hours in a bizarre and noisy manner and I
haven't really had a moment to reacclimatize, or even catch my breathe. It's all a muddled mess of crazy, and now with the
opportunity to lie back and let it sink in, it seems terrifying. I'm sort of depending on their company to keep me sane, and stop my
mind from wandering, and I'm not sure I want to be alone anymore. I think I had my fill of it in the forests, the reminder of the
never-ending loneliness I experienced, and I stop him as he goes to leave.
"Where will you be?" I sound as desperate as I feel, blurting out a delaying tactic and I scold myself for the neediness. I guess I
feel out of whack and set adrift now all my plans were upended, and life got completely side-tracked. And having no answers,
and no direction, other than just waiting, is like having the rug pulled out from under you. It feels awful and he's been the
constant, stable, wise words, knows what he's doing, in all of this. Right from day one that in this moment, I need it.
"Across the hall in the infirmary with my mom. You can have this room until we figure things out. If you need me, then link me,
and I'll come back." He throws me that sexy, genuine smile, his voice low, and fading, because he too is exhausted.
"This is your room?" I blanche, wondering why the alpha of the pack isn't upstairs in a grand suite like is normal within a pack
manor. Now I also feel guilty, that I'm taking his bed when he needs it, and also a little worried that he's setting me up in his room
because he might think he can wear me down and start something in time.
"Yeah, space is at a premium with a lot of families needing bigger rooms. It wouldn't have been right to monopolize one when I
can put a bed in here and double up the communal and my room. It's not like I sleep in here much, plus, with all the building work
out back as they construct small homes, we'll soon move a lot of the pack out into the forest we're clearing behind us. This is all
temporary while we get this place capable of being our permanent home. You need it more than I do." It all sounds so plausible
and logical, and I can't help gazing at who he's become, seeing him somehow in a new light.
In just a few weeks he's grown so much, and the needs of his people have taken the forefront of his priorities, as they should.
There's a new level of serious, and commanding, to him, a hint of mature beyond his years, and all it does is weigh me down
heavily. Liking this about him, and all that does is make it hurt more. Colton really is everything I would ever want in a mate, and
it just kills me, ripping my insides apart that he gave up on me.
I glance at the window as though trying to see out into the darkness at the building work being carried out, but really, it's an
excuse to break away from the way his eyes are holding me hostage and I'm suddenly on the verge of stupid tears. The burning
intensity of them pooling in my eyes and I have to swallow hard and blink them away to regain control. That same lingering need
coming from him that gnaws at my soul constantly, and I lose my courage, sounding feeble, and weak, as I utter a few words
breathlessly.
"I could use something to sleep in." I hesitate, knowing fine well it's a lie and I could strip off, but something in me just doesn't
want him to leave yet, even if it's just prolonging the agony and making me feel worse. Since I came back, we haven't really
separated properly for any length of time, and now I'm experiencing some crazy anxiety about him leaving when I feel like there's
so much still left unsaid, unresolved. He's the anchor in my boat, and I'm on a stormy sea. I need to break this dependency on
him if I'm to survive here from now on.
The whole Carmen thing, his saying he still wants us, his kissing me outside, Sierra, the doctor... the future. It's all too big for me
to handle, or think about, and my brain is scared that letting him leave will open a damn in my brain I have no energy to deal
with. He already has me teetering on emotional break down with tears threatening to push out.
"The middle cupboard has everything you need. I wasn't about to leave any part of you behind because I wasn't going to rest
until we found you. Sweet dreams, baby." What he says confuses me enough to distract me completely; screwing my face up in
confusion and as he walks out the door. Too focused on discovery and already climbing off the bed to open the center oversized
wooden cabinet to see what he meant by that.
Much to my shock, every single belonging I left in my room in the manor is in here, folded neatly, stacked up, and waiting for me
to reclaim it. From clothing, to shoes, to my boxes of sentimental items, and keepsakes. All has its place and fits neatly in here,
taking over an entire cupboard in Colton's room.
A lump forms in my throat that almost chokes me half to death, and tears sting my eyes with venom, so that I know I won't be
able to hold them back for long. My emotions take a sudden nosedive, and I cough on a sob trying to escape my throat. My
hands tremble as I reach out and touch the first of my sweaters, my legs turning to Jell-O and a wave of lightheadedness
because of my extreme reaction to something so basic.
I don't know why this gets to me so badly, but it does. The fact he took the time to pack up everything that was mine, so carefully,
and brought it when they all left the manor together. Sure they were limited in time to pack, considering they were leaving under
hostile terms and had to get out, yet he made sure he left nothing of me in that place. It's all here. Every single little thing that I
never knew I missed until now. All clean, and pressed, and set in here in almost military precision. He took care of my things in
the hopes he would bring me back here one day.
I try and not to ponder on it, to push it out of my head and focus on a task of doing, instead of thinking. It's all I can do if I don't
want to succumb to these overwhelming feelings, and all the questions about Carmen, about us. Starting to doubt myself and
what I felt in the forest, but there's nothing else to explain what that was. It had to be him marking her or betraying our bond in
another way. Nothing can compare to the level of pain, and heartbreak, and betrayal I felt, and I should remind myself of that and
not get lost in him as he tries to win me round. I need to stay true to the fact and ignore how much I still love him. How every
sense, and fiber in my soul, aches to be reunited with him in even the smallest ways.