Raw

Chapter 42 

He recalled how he had taunted Shawn with his purity, never gising in, pushing him away and freaking out, declaring his love for him, asking for some person moments to think about them, only to choose to court Chloe throughout their college days until they broke up, having caught her fucking Liam, who would without thinking twice eagerly put his penis inside anything in a skirt. Ivan had remained undecided of what to do, 

He exhaled softly as he rubbed his face, glad that Serah had not returned from the night out with her best friend. He could not describe how it would be if Serah had walked in and seen him in that position. Ivan was not ready to come up with an emergency lie. He remembered this man, who had fallen hopelessly and madly in love with him. 

The man who was ready to do anything to have him in his life, the man he had brutally rejected without a single thought, the man who has now invaded his sleep every nights, stirring up every emotions and longings he once thought was buried 

forever. 

Because of him, Shawn had broken the rules of their school, bravely coming out publicly, to confess his love for Ivan in the presence of everyone, ready to publicly claim Ivan even in private to assure Ivan of his love and unwavering commitment to protect him from the incessant taunting by bullies who would mock him relentlessly for loving a man. 

He recollected how this man also held the esteemed position as the captain of the college football team, the coveted figure that drew the attention and desire of both genders. He had them groveling at his feet. Yet, this same individual had become besotted with the ordinary Ivan Hudson, a scholarship kid. 

Often, Ivan wondered what captivated this man’s interest in him. He did not hail from a privileged background like Shawn; he was bound by the shackles of numerous limitations, unable to reveal his truth to his parents, who would not only disown him but mercilessly execute him, ensuring his demise remained concealed from the world. 

Ivan’s father made this sentiment clear during their family dinners: “Any man who engages in a romantic relationship with another man is doomed to a lifetime of failure and is unworthy to be considered among humans” 

“It is impossible for me to be with you, Shawn. My father will bring about my demise,” Ivan disclosed one evening in their clandestine meeting place, where they had both arranged to meet. Shawn’s eyes sparkled with excitement, radiating a captivating light that could illuminate an entire street when he saw Ivan the first time that evening. 

Shawn had embraced him tightly the moment he arrived, almost stealing Ivan’s breath away, and proceeded to hold his hand and kiss its delicate back. 

But as soon as Ivan made that statement, Shawn’s expression faltered, and a sharp pain pierced his chest as Ivan released his hand from his grasp. “Please, Ivan, I love you and it’s you I want, exclusively, Shawn implored, his voice full of anguish and rejection, his body trembling as he saw Ivan avoiding his 

gaze. 

“Is there someone else?” Shawn asked, hating the very thought, dreading having to ask Ivan such a question. Shawn had daydreamed countless times about this secretive first meeting, overwhelmed with joy when Ivan agreed to meet him. However, now it seemed like it was turning into one of his nightmares. 

“No, there is no one,” Ivan promptly replied, this time their eyes met. 

Shawn breathed a sigh of relief, “Thank goodness! I can’t imagine what I would have done if the situation were reversed” 

Ivan looked at him, a slight melancholy smile forming on his face. “Shawn, I’m scared. Scared of my fellow classmates, scared of my father…I don’t want to disappoint my family. Unlike you, I don’t have a family who would accept you for who 

you are. 

Shawn took Ivan’s hand, tenderly placing a gentle kiss on it. “Then stay with me, live with me. I will take care of you, making sure all your needs are met. 

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Ivan abruptly pulled his hand away from Shawn’s grip. “Are you tally serious right now? Leave my family to be with you? Just because I don’t have the privilege you have doesn’t mean I’ll abandon my family to join yours!” 

Shawn shook his head, eager to stop Ivan’s anger, Tm sorry, Iva I’m deeply sorry. Forgive me for suggesting that you should come live with me. I just want your happiness,” he apologized, hating himself for making such childish proposals. 

Shaking his head, Ivan turned away from Shawn and said, “I’m sorry, Shawn, but I can’t be your boyfriend. For Godsake iam not into boys. Jam not Gay shawn. Please, put an end to whatever it is you are feeling. Without giving Shawn a chance to respond, Ivan swiftly left, almost running away. He ignored Shawn’s desperate attempts to call his name and stop him from leaving 

Shawn’s heart shattered as he watched Ivan slowly disappear from sight, tears welling up in his eyes. He drove home, entered his room, and gave in to his emotions. The pain of rejection overwhelmed him, causing his tears to flow freely. 

ying on his modest bed, Ivan couldn’t shake the image of Shawn’s eyes reflecting his profound pain. Despite genuinely king Shawn, the fear of coming out to his family was overwhelming. He couldn’t bear the thought of his father looking at im with disappointment and disgust, as often happened whenever the topic of same–sex relationships came up. 

urning to the other side of his bed, Ivan let the tears stream down his face. He whispered softly, I’m sorry, Shawn,” as he ied himself to sleep, wondering what the next day at school would bring. 

aking up from his dream, Ivan got up like a zombie and turned on the shower. With hope in his heart, he hoped that the d water would calm his uncontrollable desire. But he knew deep down that this longing could never be satisfied. Despite fervent yearning for a different life path, he had made a series of foolish decisions. 

night’s dream had been the most vivid and realistic one yet. The reason for its intensity was clear. At six in the evening, he uld come face–to–face with the man who held the utmost importance in his life, at his ten–year college reunion. 

man he had once secretly loved, rejected and left.