Race to the Next World

Sirus and I...we’ve spent quite some time...doing...well, it.And by some time, I mean a lot of time. A lot. I don’t know what it was but something just snapped between us and now this is happening.

The only thing I can think now is that its been a couple days since anything happened. No attack, no raids, nothing. Picses hasn’t said a word.

With no work to do, Sirus has been using all this time to...take care of me. That’s the nicest way I can put it for now. It didn’t bother me. Sure, Sirus has his terrible bad habits, he never considers how I’m feeling, he’d rather do everything for himself, but I didn’t have anything to say about...this...whatever...this is.

I need an actual break from him. We haven’t left our room in a while. I thought Sirus would be too angry to stay, and at first he was, and for a bit he got away with taking it out on me, but I got him to calm down just enough that he wasn’t grabbing me so hard.

I just need a break.

Maybe a few hours, or a day. Maybe a week. I barely got out of bed in the past few days; both of us would just stay here. If I left, it was probably to eat something or to go see Alara. Sirus would run repairs on his own ship, then we’d come back and spend the rest of the day indulging in whatever...he wanted. Then I would leave, not for a long while, and when I came back, Sirus would just be waiting, and I would give in because I was waiting too.

Its odd.

Even now, I didn’t know what to think.

All at once, I had all these feelings that I would never get. Its like torture. I don’t know what to say about it, what to think about it. Sirus wouldn’t say anything either. Then we’d just start all over again like the previous time didn’t happen. Its a lot to take in. Literally.

His body laid on mine as we both caught whatever air we could. I stared up at the ceiling as my arms went limp and fell on the bed. I can’t express how tired I was. Sirus left my body feeling numb, I won’t be able to do anything ever again because of him. If I were to look down at my body, I would see the marks on his skin. If I were to look at his neck, his shoulders, his back, everywhere, I’d see the marks I put on him. There were still some from even the first day, but the ones that had faded were covered by new marks.

His fingers were in my hair, and I could feel him moving them. I was about to fall asleep with the way he was touching my hair. That reminds me, I need to cut my hair.

“We have got to do that again.” Sirus said breathlessly. How can he say something like that?

“Mm,” was all I managed.

“God, your face...”

I was blushing but I wasn’t embarrassed. Sirus was staring so much that I didn’t have words to describe how I felt. All he’ll do is comment on my face and how I look and to be honest, I’m really glad I don’t know what face I make when he...well, does things to me.

“I’m too tired to keep going.” I said weakly as I closed my eyes. I really was tired. We’ve done a lot today. I haven’t gotten out of bed in hours, and I think its time that Sirus finally gets off me.

“Mhm.” he doesn’t care. He didn’t move, I could still feel him breathing on my skin as he touched my hair. I opened my eyes again, but I looked up at the ceiling. I didn’t want to pay attention to his arms on me, or his breath on me, or the way the rest of his body felt to me.

I could feel it all but I didn’t want to pay attention to it.

There was more I could feel, a lot more.

Like his heart beat.

I could feel how hard it was beating, how fast it was going. As time went on though, his heart had slowed down. Its the fact that I could feel it beating. That meant something to me. We haven’t been this close before. If I wasn’t so numb and tired, I would’ve enjoyed that more.

I was falling asleep again and so was he. He hadn’t moved off me, but I wanted him to stay. He’s warm and I like that. If he were to move, I would feel the cold air, and I didn’t want to. His arms stayed on me, and his hands stayed in my hair. When he stopped moving, I knew that he fell asleep. I felt his heart beat, I felt him breathe on me, I just felt him.

That’s what made me fall asleep.

The days are numbered now, the new planet is so close by.

I remember what it was like being in a fifth grade history class and learning what land was like, what the earth was like. There’s all these things that I haven’t seen before, like an actual forest, or a real sky, or real animals. Everything here isn’t the same. Its not natural. I wanted to see the ocean up close, or know what its like to feel the sun light. I wanted to learn everything. Now we’re so close. I’ll get the chance to know what everything is like.

The bad part about being so close is that the real fight is about to happen.

I’m expecting Europe to hit us hard.

I’m expecting that we’ll have to fight our way through everyone.

We’ve had a couple days to pick up our defenses, and its brutal. For the little amount of time I was actually out of my room, I heard how tough Picses was being. I heard how the new recruits were being pushed to their limits, how Coordinators were being forced out of their comfort zones, how everyone was a complete and utter mess.

I don’t think about it much.

I’ve been in my room for a while now so I don’t feel what everyone else is feeling. Its like I’ve blocked it out. I needed to. I wouldn’t be sane if I just let every thought roam free like it was nothing.

Whoever gets to the new planet first gets more power. Its like it could be our world. With how things were on the planet before, I knew that each nation was going to get greedy. Countries teamed up together to maximize their chances at getting here first. Now look at us, just struggling to make it. By the time we get there, everything will be blown to pieces.

I got up before Sirus the next morning.

My legs were doing this thing where they would twitch for a little bit, then stop for a while more. I haven’t been on my feet much. I decided to leave my room before our phase of completely tuning out everything started again. I’m sure he’ll wake up and go somewhere too. Then we’d meet up together again and start all over.

I had to bite my lip so I wouldn’t smile.

I’m not into...sex like Sirus is, but he’s getting me there, I can say that.

Picses wanted to see me, and I wondered what it was. I haven’t breathed a word about him or to him ever since our crushing defeat to Europe. Is he going to scold me for not being able to hold down my contradictions? I’ve always thought I’ve been loyal enough to Picses to earn his respect, but now I don’t know what to do anymore. Its like I can’t see why I’m doing this. I stayed obedient though as he talked with Carsus quietly.

“Ah Aurora, I have something to ask of you,” Picses said. Am I going out in space again? I didn’t say anything. I just bit my tongue and waited.

“We are not asking, Commander Picses, you know that.” Carsus said bitterly as he looked up at Picses.

I’m getting reassigned. It wasn’t hard to tell. Did the Computer judge me as physically fit to go out there? Or is this Picses’ idea of keeping me in line? I didn’t say anything.

“We’ve decided to give you a double occupation based on your physical abilities.” Carsus said.

I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell them both that it would be better if I took on the task of controlling an army of Flyers instead, but that’s not the issue here. We actually need people that are capable of handling the pressures of space. Every Coordinator here can handle watching a bunch of Flyers and making sure they don’t get themselves hurt, but we need more Flyers if we have a shot at destroying the other nations.

“Its not official as of yet.” Picses said in attempt to make me feel better but I didn’t. I tried to keep in my reaction, not to show any fear. I was afraid, deathly afraid. I can’t go out there. What was I going to say though? If I say no, what would he think?

Carsus didn’t like how Picses was adding in extra words to make it seem different than what it is. It is official. Picses can’t just say it isn’t.

I know enough about the ships. I know how they run, how they work, how to work it. I made a lot of them. I’ve repaired them. I was the engineer on some of them. I know what to do if I had to get in one. Every Coordinator knows. Its just that not everyone can handle it. I guess they think I can. Maybe I can. I wasn’t going to say anything against them. Its not that I agree, but I can’t say anything.

“We believe you’re capable of handling space.” Carsus said.

I wanted to say no. I just bit my tongue harder.

I won’t survive.

I didn’t think this would happen to me. With the large scale attack that we experienced, of course I’d be scared, I’d be terrified. I was going to beg that I didn’t get called as a Flyer. That would ruin me.

I walked out of the room and held my anger. I held my fear. I held everything. I couldn’t lash out just because I don’t agree, no matter how much it frightens me. I was breaking anyway. I couldn’t...I couldn’t deal with it. All these things keep happening to me and how do they expect me to deal with it. We weren’t trained for this. No one said it would get this bad. No one said that I would constantly have to bite my tongue because I don’t agree with anything that’s been happening.

What am I supposed to do? Just swallow my emotions and pretend like everything was okay?

I was a mess.

I just needed to get away for a while.

I went up to the civilian deck instead. For some reason, everyone that lives in this deck knows about things that go on with the other nations. I have a feeling that people in the other decks aren’t told anything, but people that live in this one have a lot to say about what’s going on.

I could hear it, people talking about Europe causing trouble.

Then I knew why everyone was aware of everything.

Families have been getting their letters.

This is the first time that I’ve walked around and see people not smiling and happy. They finally know, and they aren’t okay with it. I walk around and see how broken some people are because they had family and friends that were fighting with us. I have to walk here and think that these people wouldn’t have to go through their grief if only someone had said something, if I had said something.

Now that everyone knows, there’s no reason to lie.

Alara was still hurt. The medicine they gave her was still working on her broken bones. She’s not supposed to be moving around, but she considers being in a wheelchair and wheeling around not moving. She was struggling because she did have a broken arm.

I couldn’t look at her and think everything was okay.

But she did look better than the first day I saw her. Most of her open wounds had healed. The scars were fading away from her pale skin. Just a few more days and she’ll be fine again. It doesn’t take more than a couple of days to fully heal from the injuries she’s sustained. We’re lucky that the medical field is advanced that way.

She’s not off medical leave though. She won’t be able to come back until she can get on her feet again. I was hoping that she resigns.

I sat next to her and she looked up at the hologram, seeing the fake sky they were trying to produce. No one knows what the sky actually looks like. We have videos of it, but we haven’t seen it in person with our own two eyes. Alara sighed to herself and I got a bit worried.

“You look better.” I said.

“Yeah, because I can totally go out looking like this.” she said sort of sarcastically as she lifted her arm to show me the bandages wrapped around it. I waited. She’s angry, very angry. We all are, this doesn’t happen to us. “I don’t understand, Aurora. What happened?” she asked.

She saw all those people get blown up in front of her, and she was lucky to be alive. I was lucky that she was lucky. How can I tell her this?

“We’re taking on more than we can handle.” I told her.

“We can’t come back from this.” she said.

She plans on staying.

“They’re reassigning Coordinators to be Flyers.” I said quietly. She stayed quiet, looking at me for a while. I wasn’t finished and she knew that. “I might be one.” I added in. “And there’s not much I can say about it.”

“Aurora, you cannot go out there,” She said quickly. I know that. “I don’t even want to go out there anymore. I don’t want you to go out there when I know what its like.” she said seriously. I know she’s worried but what am I supposed to do?

“Maybe I won’t be needed as a Flyer. We’re literally right there,” None of it was true. I would be needed as a Flyer because we were so close. I wasn’t trained as a Flyer, I don’t care how much I know about the ships. I won’t last a minute.

“I don’t like this.” Alara said.

“I think it would be better if you resign.” I said truthfully.

“No.”

“I don’t want to worry about whether you’re alive or not. I already went through that once, and I can’t again.” I said quickly, hoping she would understand.

“What about you?” she asked “How do you think I feel?”

I didn’t answer.

“I’m not resigning if you won’t.” she said. I can’t resign. I have a partner to look after. If it wasn’t like that, then I would leave. I wanted to leave because Alara would leave if I did. I shouldn’t have to weigh my options. When did I put Sirus next to my sister?

“Its going to get worse.” I sighed sadly.

“Lets not think about that.” she said. “I know you’re stressed out so I’m not going to keep you here when you could be doing something else.” she said and held my hand. “Be safe.” she told me as I got up.

“You sure you don’t need me to bring you back?” I asked. I wouldn’t mind taking her back. I watched her try to wheel around before and its hard with just one arm.

“No, a friend of mine is coming to see me. I want to show him my cool scars before they fade.” she smiled. She’s trying to make the best out of this. I wanted to smile, and for her sake, I did. On the inside though, I broke.

All this is getting to my head, maybe I’m just over reacting, I won’t have to do anything. I won’t be switched. I won’t need anything. It will be fine. We’ll get to that new planet first, and there won’t be any problems. I would like to think of myself as an optimistic person, so I was going to believe that everything is fine even if it won’t be.

This is when everyone splits. This is when we become real enemies. I heard that we’re no longer allowed to communicate with African fighters. That just means this is really happening. I had a nice time with them, and I wanted to spend more time with them. Its probably going to have to wait till we get down to Earth.

I walked the halls quietly, keeping to myself as I saw others walking around. Barely anyone talked. Whenever I passed by someone, we just looked timidly at each other and walked the opposite way. No one wants to talk about what’s happening. I couldn’t find the words to describe what was happening. It was that complicated that no one knew what to do.

“Aurora!” I heard Taurus’ voice down the hall. I turned around to see her and Hags running my way. In her hands, I saw a black box. I knew what was inside but I wasn’t going to say anything.

“Heard the bad news.” Hags said. “I’m sorry.” he apologized for me. “If it makes you feel any better, I got reassigned too.” he said. Taurus hit him on his arm. I don’t know if I did feel better or not. I definitely felt something. I didn’t say anything as Taurus turned back to me.

“I’ve been assigned to you as your Coordinator if they ever need you.” Taurus said as she handed me the box. In this box is the black suit I never wanted to wear. I held the box and I thought I was being burned at the stake. This is it. This is really it.

“Let’s just beg and pray that we don’t have to use those suits. Ever.” Hags said.

“Who knows, they might not even need us.” I shrugged.

“Lets hope they don’t need any one of us.” Taurus said as she stared at the box as if she was frightened of it. “It would have to get pretty bad if they need you guys.” she told us. With everything that’s been happening lately, I know it could happen.

I know it will happen.

“We haven’t seen you in a couple days. Are you okay?” Taurus asked.

I wasn’t going to tell her why I’ve been missing for a few days.

“Yeah, I just got a bit sick, that’s all.” I told them. “You don’t have to worry about me, I’ll be fine.” I said as I looked down at the box. “I’ll come back later,” I said quietly and turned away, leaving with the dreadful black box in my hands.

This is different.

This suit is different.

Usually, I’m just making modifications to the suits. Now I actually have to wear one. This day shouldn’t have come.

When I got back to my room, I saw that Sirus wasn’t here. I walked over to my bed and put the box down. I didn’t want to open it but I just lifted my finger on the lid and tipped it off. I know what these suits look like, I know what they’re supposed to do.

I got curious though.

I tried it on.

This was the most horrific experience I’ve gone through. I don’t like how tight the suits are, or how they felt on me. Is this what Sirus goes through on a constant basis? How can he wear this? I know that the suit is really just for protection, but I couldn’t stand it. I moved around in it, but I didn’t find it comfortable. If I ever have the chance to modify these suits again, I’m going to make them fit better.

After a while, I just walked around in it.

Would other Flyers mistake me for one of them? No, I have white hair. Plus they can smell fear. They’d call me out in a second. The other Coordinators were going to have to deal with being called a fake or whatever Flyers want to call us since this isn’t our original jobs.

I wanted to go show Taurus and Hags that this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever put on. They’d probably laugh at me because of the way I looked.

As I walked, I saw Sirus.

I just turned around and walked the other way.

I’m doing this to protect myself. I know he’s going to yell at me so hard that he loses his voice. He already went on rant about how this is stupid and if I ever got reassigned, he’d yell at me because he thinks its my fault. So, I’m going to do my best to save each other the trouble.

Sirus came after me though, and he grabbed me, spinning me around so he could see me. He wasn’t happy, I can see that.

“What the hell is this?” he asked angrily.

“I... sort of have a double occupation.” I said as I played with my fingers. Sirus just snapped.

“And you agreed to it?” he almost yelled.

“I can’t say no, Sirus.” I said quickly.

“Who the hell says you can’t fucking do that?” Now he was really yelling. He was just as mad as he was days before. I knew he would be angry but I thought he would be aware that I can’t just not listen to what I’m told.

I’ve had that discussion with Picses before and Sirus was there to hear it. He knows.

“Its not like I get a choice, Sirus. You don’t have to yell at me for it.” I said. When he glared down at me, I knew what it meant, we have a problem. A big problem.

He grabbed my wrist, pulling me down the hallway with him forcefully. I could barely keep up with him like this, but he dragged me along anyway. I didn’t like how he was handling me and desperately tried to get out of his grip. He was much stronger than I was, plus he was angry. If I could get out of his grip I would, I would make him talk to me right out here because he doesn’t have to move me if he has something serious to say. He shoved me into our room roughly. I turned around to face him and I could tell that it would get really bad now.

Why would he drag me back here? Because he knows he might do something he’s not supposed to? I’ve had it with Sirus doing this. He’s always getting his way because he gets mad and no one can stand him like that.

“What’s your problem, huh? I am sick and tired of your obsession of letting the officials throw you around just because you want to be Commander.” he said loudly.

“Its not just me, hundreds of us got reassigned.”

“Bullshit. I don’t care how many people got reassigned. There’s no way you’re going to last out there.” he told me angrily. What? Does he really think I can’t handle it? I’m always in space, I’ve seen what its like, I can do it.

“You do it all the time!”

“I know how to handle myself!” he yelled, raging. I saw it in his eyes, he will tear me apart. Why does he think I can’t do anything? Him yelling at me wasn’t going to change anything. I’m not going to magically just make my way to Picses and tell him I can’t do anything because Sirus is pissed off about it.

Why does he think I can’t handle it?

“I’m not weak, Sirus. You never understand that, I can do just as much as you can.” I got defensive.

Those were the words that really made him lose it. I thought he was angry before, but this was just something else. It was that moment that I saw that Sirus was trying to hold back because if he didn’t he’d do something he’d regret. This was it. Its like me getting reassigned was the thing that pushed him over.

Why is he doing this?

I tightened my hands, feeling my anger bubbling over. I thought he wouldn’t make me feel that much worse about myself because I already feel terrible enough. I can’t help that this happened. I was angry, and it was hurting me, I was so mad that it was killing me inside.

“Why do you hate this so much? It shouldn’t matter to you!” I yelled at him.

“Because I-” he stopped short of himself. At first I thought he was going to put me in my place, but he realized what he was going to say and stopped. I stared at him, waiting for him to say something.

He didn’t answer me.

“Do what you want, Aurora. I don’t care.” he said and left the room.

That’s not what he was going to say to me.

I stared at the emptiness, wondering where I went wrong, or if he went wrong. Or anything. But I got nothing.

Sirus was so mad and he said all those things. What really hurt was that he doesn’t think I was going to make it, that my reassignment might lead to me getting killed. Its like he doesn’t believe that I’m more than just a person that stays inside the ship. I’ve gone out multiple times and I’ve handled myself just fine. I knew he would be mad at me even though it wasn’t something I could control. I just didn’t think he would be so hurtful about it.

I’m scared but he doesn’t get that.

Him saying all that really got to me. I wanted to believe that this wasn’t my fault, that me getting reassigned was just something that was bound to happen.

I wasn’t thrilled about this either. I was hoping Sirus wouldn’t say all those things. Its makes how I feel worse. I’ve had to deal with all this, and I can’t get a break.

I couldn’t stay in this room. I was going to stay angry and upset if I didn’t go anywhere. If Sirus comes back, I won’t be able to do anything. I can’t tell him how frightened I am, especially after all that.

There was no one. The halls were empty. It was just me. I walked around and kept to myself, thinking about other things. I changed out of the suit a while ago. Now I can’t look at it. I wanted to go back and see Alara again, but I can’t keep going back and forth. What if something happens? I just walked around aimlessly. I was trying to distract myself so I didn’t break down and cry miserably from how much I had to deal with.

I can’t do this anymore.

As I walked, I was pushed back against the wall lightly. I knew who it was, I didn’t even have to look up. When Sirus kissed me, I didn’t stop him, I didn’t feel like it. I was too tired. As unexpected as this was, I wasn’t going to think about it. He was being gentle which is not like him. He had enough time to cool off but what does this mean?

How am I supposed to feel?

It was like I was about to have a mental break down.

When he pulled away from me, his arms moved around me and he hugged me tightly. This doesn’t happen either. He doesn’t do this. I was stunned, I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t move. The last time he hugged me, I was having a panic attack. This time, I was on my way there. I felt it. Sirus didn’t let go. He was holding on to me so tight that I knew he didn’t want to.

“I’m scared for you.” he said quietly.

That’s what he was going to say earlier.

I felt an awful pain in my chest. He has absolutely no idea how scared I am for myself. Him telling me he was scared just made me burst into tears. I couldn’t hold it anymore. My arms wrapped around his neck, and I cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe.

We’re both scared.