Queen of the Freaks

A temper tantrum, two Advils, and a plate of fresh sushi later, the pain in my jaw and head went away completely and I was sitting in my living room feeling much calmer than I had all day. In fact, I was even starting to think that Bobby’s theories were better than my own. I know, crazy right?

“So Bob, about this morning, I think I kicked you out of here too quickly. There are some holes in my family history that I think you need to fill in for me.” I glanced quickly at Finn and continued. “What is this talk of me being a vampire?”

Bob stood up and started pacing the length of my living room.

“Your Majesty, I already told you that your mother was our Queen. Your father, obviously, was our King. He was a vampire, which makes you half-vampire.”

“Hold on a sec. I knew I was adopted, but you’re saying that these people—er, creatures?—were my real parents and that my adopted parents had no clue? Do my living parents know any of this?”

“No, Your Majesty. They received you as a baby on their doorstep after I placed you there. They know nothing of our world or how your life will change. I did, however, work a little magic to make sure they were removed from your city of residence while you went through your changes.”

“So THAT’S why they decided to move to France all of a sudden? I thought it was odd that they just decided to buy a wine orchard and move to France two months ago.”

Bob just grinned, obviously proud of himself.

“So, I’m half-human and half-vampire? I suppose that’s not too bad. I’ll just order my steaks blue and still have a normal life.” I was feeling somewhat optimistic about this. I should eat sushi more often.

“Well, I’m afraid your idea of a normal life will not be occurring quite as you desire it to. You are still coming into your powers and will need to return to our world as our queen, just as I stated in our previous conversation.”

“I’ll have vampire powers? From what I’ve seen from Drac over there, the only power I need comes in a little orange box that I can buy at a grocery store.” I chuckled to myself and stuck my tongue out at Finn. He returned the gesture.

“Actually, it’s not only vampire powers that you’ll be inheriting. Your mother was a fairy.”

I started giggling. Giggling turned into laughter. Laughter turned into a fit of uncontrollable hysterics that left me wiping my eyes.

“So,” Snicker snicker. “My dad was a vampire,” Snort. “And my mom was a fairy?” Giggle giggle.

Finn had taken out a nail file and started to trim his nails while waiting for my fit of laughter to finish. Bob did not look impressed with either of us.

“Your Majesty, I assure you that I never lie. Everything I tell you is the truth and requires the utmost seriousness. The more prepared you are for your powers, the sooner we can move forwards and defeat your brother. This is no laughing matter.”

“Okay Bob. Don’t get your tighty whiteys in a knot. So, what kind of fairy powers should I be looking for? Will I be shrinking? Growing wings? Should I look up Tinkerbell’s phone number and ask her for advice?”

Bob’s scowl made him look bigger than he was.

“Alright, alright. Give me the scoop Bobby. I promise I’ll listen like a good little girl. What powers should I be expecting to arrive via fairy godmother?”

Bob pursed his lips together, sighed, paced some more, and then cleared his throat.

“Well to be honest Your Majesty, no one can really be certain of what powers you will receive since you and your brother were the first vampire-fairy race created in our world. But, I’ll give you the possibilities so at least you can recognize the signs when they show themselves.” He cleared his throat before continuing. “Vampires have speed, agility, and strength on their list of powers. They can also influence the people around them by looking into their eyes. Some can read minds, some can’t. All vampires require blood to survive and of course, they are immortal with a few exceptions. Wooden stakes through the heart, starvation, fire and beheading can kill a vampire. Garlic, crosses and sunlight cannot. Human food can be consumed in order to blend into your world but it really doesn’t have any affect on their body and isn’t required. Some vampires, like your father and Mr. Finn, are born vampires from two vampire parents. Others are created by existing vampires. The process for turning a human into a vampire is tricky to say the least and although the technique was popular in earlier centuries, modern-day vampires seem to be less inspired to change humans. I blame the internet.”

I had to chuckle at that one. Finn raised a single eyebrow. Bob continued.

“Fairies are deemed irresistible in both looks and character. They often help others but also like to play pranks and are mischievous. They are humorous, or at least they think they are.” Bob shot me a look. “Fairies can, in fact, fly with the wings that are attached to them. Each fairy has a different set of wings—they are similar to fingerprints in the human world. Fairy size varies, some species are small and have pixie ancestry, some are larger with pureblood history and others are hybrids. Your mother was a pureblood. She was also the most beautiful fairy I have ever laid eyes on, and I’ve been around for more than three centuries. It was no surprise that your father fell in love with her. We were only surprised that she chose him, out of all of the possible options for a mate. No offense, Your Majesty.”

“None taken. Wow, that is a lot of information to process Bob. I only have one question, and it’s a fairly serious one.” Bob stopped pacing and I found his big brown eyes staring up at me. “Will I turn into a pumpkin at midnight?”

Bob’s tiny, bearded face turned redder than his pointed hat and he started pacing again. Finn chuckled, but hid his mouth with his hand. I laughed until my cheeks hurt and then I noticed Bob’s face was still glowing and I was scared he was going to have a stroke or something. I didn’t want to be responsible for a gnome’s death.

“Sorry Bob, I had to. I’m just trying to ease the tension. You’re very uptight you know.”

“I’m fearful for my future Your Majesty. For all of our futures.” His seriousness sobered up my humorous mood. I felt myself softening up towards the little dude in my living room. I looked over at Finn, who looked just as somber. Maybe this was all real. Maybe there really was a magical world that was waiting for me to be a kick-ass superhero and save the day. And seriously, who doesn’t want to be a superhero?

“You really are afraid aren’t you Bob?”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“And you think I can help?”

“You are the only one who can.”

“Huh.” I rubbed my eyes. I was really tired and my brain was fuzzy. I sighed, taking a moment to process everything before I spoke again. “I don’t know why I am even believing any of this. I keep expecting to wake up from this whacked out dream, but until that happens I suppose I’ll play along.”

I sighed again, this time for dramatic effect. “Okay Mr. Bob, I will help you, but I have some conditions. One, you are to refer to me as Melanie or Mel.” I paused for a moment as I thought about the name Tianna. It was actually quite pretty and more unique than Melanie. “Scratch that, I’ve changed my mind. You may call me Tianna or Melanie, although I can’t promise I’ll answer to any name you call me. Do not call me Your Majesty. That royal highness crap gets really annoying. Two, you are to inform me of any information that you think I might need regarding to my so-called powers and all that stuff. I don’t like surprises. Three, you let me have as normal of a life as I can have. That means no POOF-ing into the room while I’m at work or hanging out with friends or shopping. I need personal space. Four, I am allowed to come up with as many more rules as I want, as soon as I think of any. Do we have a deal?”

“Your Majesty—“

“Ah, ah, ah!” I shook my finger at him.

“Er, Miss Tianna,” Bob continued. “I think you might want to reconsider rule number three. I may need to appear to you at inconvenient times for your own protection. I beg you to reconsider.”

“No way Jose. I work on my terms or I don’t work at all.” He started pacing again, this time taking off his red pointy hat and fidgeting with it before placing it back onto his white hair.

“Very well, Miss Tianna. I think you are making an error but if these are your terms then I have no choice but to accept, for the fate of our world rests in your hands.”

“Geez, no pressure.”

“He’s right you know.” Finn had a compact mirror out and was attempting to fix his already-perfect hair (wait, vampires have reflections?).

“Well, look who woke up and joined the party!” I said. “Thought you might have an opinion or two tucked away in your man-purse.”

He snapped the mirror shut and gave me an “oh please” look.

“You need protection Tianna, as you found out today. The more you come into your powers, the more they can be sensed by creatures in our world. Hence, more visits from them. If you think it would be bad to have Bob show up at the mall, think about having a troll or a unicorn show up uninvited.”

“Well I’m not too keen on the troll, but I’ve wanted to have my very own unicorn since I was just a little girl.”

“Har de har. Look, Tianna, I can understand not wanting a gnome following you around, but how about a pretty vamp? I can blend into your world easily and still look out for you.”

I weighed all the pros and cons in my head. He was quite good looking and convenient to have around, and I would never have to worry about him falling in love with me. Also, he seemed to know a hell of a lot more than I did about the magical freaky stuff, so my chances of survival were significantly higher with him around. But on the flip side, if everyone saw us together all the time, how would I ever get a real date? Oh, who was I kidding? I was at the top of the most-wanted list.

“Okay pretty boy, you’ve got yourself a job. Are you happy now Bobby?” His grin answered that question. “Speaking of jobs, I’ve got to get my ass over to the restaurant.” I checked the digital clock on my oven. Yep, I was going to be late. “Let me just tie my hair back and then we can go.”

I made my way to the bathroom and grabbed an elastic band off the counter.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”

Finn and Bob were by my side instantly.

“What’s the matter Tianna?” Finn was looking everywhere, searching for whatever danger had caused my shriek.

“My. Hair. Is. Blonde. Again. When did this happen? HOW did this happen? Why does this keep happening to me?” I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry or punch something.

“Yeah, it turned blonde again while you were inhaling the sushi. You looked so happy while you were eating, we didn’t want to spoil your rare good mood by telling you the bad news.”

“You guys suck. Why am I blonde again Bob? Why doesn’t it stay brown?”

Bob looked perplexed, which didn’t give me a ton of comfort.

“If I had to guess, I would say it’s because of the fairy blood in you. All fairies are natural blondes. It is interesting that you were born a brunette and are changing into the physical characteristics of your fairy ancestry. I wonder if that means your fairy blood is stronger than the vampire blood in you. I will have to ponder that some more.”

“Okay Bobby, you do that, and while you’re pondering my hair color you can also pick me up some more sushi for tonight. I’d ask you to get another box of hair dye for me but I have this funny feeling it would be a waste of time and money.”

Bob’s silence confirmed my funny feeling.

“Great. I’m a blonde for life now.” I looked at myself in the mirror again and made a face. Then sighed. Then tied my hair back into a ponytail. “Come on pretty boy, let’s go make some cash.”