SWNOVELS Pucking Wild: Chapter 58
I pull up to the bungalow to see Tess’s rental car parked in the driveway. I slip out of the car and hurry up to the front door, unlocking it. The lights are all off in the living room, but music plays over the speakers. I hear the bridge of “Tolerate It” and my heart sinks. No woman listens to Evermore without having thoughts of a loved lost.
Tossing my keys down on the side table, I move down the hall. She’s not in the living room or the kitchen. I cross the space and move down the dark hallway, glancing between the pair of doors. One is closed, leading to my room. I haven’t slept in there for days. The door to her room is open, the golden light warm and welcoming. I knock twice on the open door and wait.
“Tess?” I call.
She doesn’t answer.
I step into the room, and my heart, which had already sunk. goes cold as ice. Her big silver suitcase is out on the bed, clothes and dresses and shoes packed neatly inside. The present I left for her is still wrapped, untouched. She just moved it over to the bedside table. The envelope holding her WAG pass rests on top, unopened. More stuff is piled on the chair in the corner. All her toiletries line the top of the dresser.
This is why she wasn’t at the game. She was using the time I was away to slip out like a goddamn thief in the night. And she is a thief, because when she goes, she’ll take my heart away with her. No ransom. No demands.
What I want to know is why.
My gaze darts over to the closet. Bracing myself, I step inside, looking around the empty space. Most of her stuff is packed away. A couple sweaters remain on hangers. A few shoes litter the floor. And two small boxes.
I go still. The rotten energy floating off them is palpable. I can practically taste it on my tongue. These are what Jake wants me to find. With a grimace, I bring them out to her bedroom, dropping them on the bed. I open the flaps of the first box and find a bunch of shredded papers inside. There’s a note on top as well, but it’s written in a tight, slanted cursive handwriting.
I open the other box. Looking inside, I instantly want to feel sick. It’s a box of photos. Horrible, grainy, exposing photos of Tess and me. Every moment we’ve shared has been captured and documented. I get to the stack of kitchen photos and curse, dropping them back into the box as if they burned me.
Someone’s been watching us for weeks. Someone violated us, violated Tess. And I didn’t protect her. In my defense, I didn’t fucking know.
Did she know?
This is the big wall I’ve felt standing between us. That last barrier she just couldn’t get over. We’re the extrovert and the introvert. The doer and the thinker. The Gemini and the Virgo. We shouldn’t work on paper, but we do. We’re so damn happy together. And we’re good for each other. All I want is to get closer, and yet she’s constantly pushing me away. I thought it was her. I thought it was some hang-up she has about commitment and trust. And I think all of that is still true. But now I’m holding the proof of something more. She’s been holding back to protect me. She knew someone was watching us. She knew she wasn’t safe.
And she didn’t tell me.
I swallow my frustration. How hard must it have been for her to keep this from me? Or was it difficult at all? Maybe this level of subterfuge comes easy to her—
Stop.
I fight the urge to crumple the photos in my hands. I’m hurt and confused, but that’s no excuse to be unfair to the woman I love. I deserve an explanation just as much as she deserves the chance to give me one. I have to be ready to listen. This can all make sense if I let it. I already have some of the pieces to this puzzle. Tess holds the rest. I need her to share. We don’t stand a fucking chance if she can’t trust me with something as big as this.
I glance back down at the photos. The feeling of violation sweeps over me again. My finger brushes over the grainy image of Tess in the kitchen. I’m between her legs, my body out of shot, hidden in shadow. She’s all alone, exposed to the lens—her breasts, the arch of her neck, the curve of her hip, the look of wild abandon on her face.
It feels like he stole something from her with the snap of this photo. He took something without asking. I want to beat him with his fucking camera. And then I want to find Troy Owens and beat him too. He’s the one that asked for this. He paid someone to do this to us. Why? Does he get off on these? Does he still think of Tess as his?
The thought makes my blood boil. I feel sick. I need to find Tess. If I’m feeling this way about it all, how must she feel? I need to comfort her.
I drop the photos down to the bed, turning my back on them, and head for the door. But I pause in my steps as Tess walks in, juggling a pair of empty moving boxes in her hands. Our eyes meet, and then she’s screaming.
“Ohmygod—Ryan!”
Her scream makes me jump.
She drops the moving boxes to her feet, her hands going to clutch at her chest. “Ryan, you scared the pee outta me,” she shrieks.
I feel breathless, my heart racing as I take her in at last. It’s only been ten fucking hours, but it may as well be ten years. “Tess,” I say softly, putting all my feeling into the word.
She stands there in her ratty T-shirt and a pair of leggings, her curly hair up in a high ponytail. She looks so casual, like we’re about to flop onto the couch and watch another episode of Sons, not pack all her shit to leave. She really meant for me to come home and find her gone? It’s an act of cruelty I wouldn’t have imagined her capable of.
That’s when it hits me: it wasn’t her idea. She’s acting on orders. Troy’s orders. Because he somehow threatened me. How? With the photos? What is he going to do with them? What do they prove other than he’s a fucking creeper who should be in jail?
I have to know what the fuck is going on. “Tess, baby—”
“Wait, what time is it? What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at your game for another hour at least. Ryan, why aren’t you at your game?”
“I left,” I reply, stating the obvious.
“Why would you leave in the middle of a game?”
“Jake said you needed me here, so I left. Now I know why—”
Her anxiety is palpable. “Did anyone see you come in? God, of course they did,” she says to herself. “His car is parked out front…and so is mine.” She glances up, fear in her eyes. “Ryan, you have to go—”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I say, standing my ground.
“Ryan,” she begs, snatching up one of the moving boxes.
“I told you I would put you first, and I meant it,” I say, crossing the room towards her. She goes stiff at my approach, and it breaks my heart. She’s so fucking scared. All my anger and bravado melts away. “Oh…baby. What did he do to you, huh?”
She blinks back her tears, using the box like a shield to keep me back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You don’t fucking know?” I counter, my voice rising. “Tess, look around you.” I gesture at the chaos on every surface of the room. “You’re packing up to run again. I think I deserve to know why. What did he say?”
“It’s not your burden to bear,” she says. “Ryan, I’m dealing with it. You have to trust that I’ll fix this on my own—”
“No,” I counter. “Tess, no. This isn’t love. Hiding all this from me, carrying the weight of it all on your own when I have two strong arms and a strong fucking back to help you—it’s not love, Tess. It’s control. You’re trying to control the outcome for both of us by keeping me in the dark. You need to tell me right now, aside from the photos, what else has he done?”
“What photos?” she dares to say.
I take three steps back and point down at the bed.
She inches closer, needing to see over the large mound of her open suitcase. As soon as her eyes settle on the boxes, I watch the emotion flash across her face—fear, disgust, sadness, anguish. Fresh tears well in her eyes as she looks up at me. “How did you know?”
“Jake,” I reply.
She shakes her head, her frustration evident.
“Don’t be mad at him. He was just giving me a fighting chance.”
“I didn’t want you to get dragged into my mess. I—” She sucks in a breath that comes out like a sob. “Oh god—I didn’t want to hurt you, but I think I did anyway. Just being near you is hurting you. Even now, he’ll know, and he’ll use it against us. I never wanted to use you, but that’s what he’s going to say. He’s going to twist this all up and take what we have and ruin it. He’s going to take something so beautiful and make it ugly and I can’t fucking stand it.”
The moving box drops to her feet again, and then I’m rushing forward, wrapping her in my arms. “I’m so sorry,” I say into her hair, my hands brushing up and down her back.
She sobs into my shoulder, her entire body trembling as she clings to me for dear life.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” I repeat. “He violated you with those photos. He stole from you. From us. Our joy, our happiness. And we have so much of both together, right?” I pull back, tipping her chin up to look in her eyes. I need to see her face. I do better when I can see her.
“I never wanted this,” she says, her mascara leaving streaks down her freckled cheeks.
I brush her hair back. “No one wants their privacy violated. Tess, this is a crime,” I say as gently as possible, praying she’ll hear me this time. “All these photos are evidence of Troy’s mounting crimes. Stalking, harassment, blackmail. He’s digging his own grave.”
“The creep brought them to my work,” she whispers. “He watched me leave the office and brought the box to Cheryl. He’s been watching me for weeks. He’s probably outside even now,” she says, glancing around as if he might be peering in through the windows.
My gaze darts over to see the curtains are pulled tight. “Is that why all the lights are off?”
“I didn’t want to give him anything else to photograph,” she replies with a little nod. “I don’t know that I can stay here anymore, even without Troy’s demands. This place is tainted for me now.” She glances up at me, trying to show me her vulnerability.
“What demands did he make? What’s the threat against me that has you running?”
She swallows down the emotion sitting thick in her throat.
“You can tell me. Tess, look at me.”
She glances up, her freckled cheeks pink from crying. The mascara stains her upper and lower lids. But she’s still so goddamn beautiful. She belongs in the garden of a palace, perched on a marble plinth for all to admire. But I’m selfish. I want to keep her beauty and her smiles. She’s mine and I’m hers and no matter what happens next, she’s going to know how I feel about her.
“Tess, I love you,” I say, my hand cupping her cheek. “Whatever he said to you, whatever leverage you think he has on me—on us—it doesn’t matter. Not when we know what we share is genuine. Fuck all the easy criticisms—the age gap and the career differences, us being on different life paths. Age is just a number. And all our careers prove is that we’re both driven and hard-working. And sure, you’re going through some shit with this divorce, but it’s just a life change. Everyone has them. I’m going through one now too—my contract extension, my new endorsement deals. These are once-in-a-career changes and I’m living them now. Did I mention the new one with Bauer?” I add with a smile. “MK sent over the details this afternoon—”
She groans, shaking her head. “God, I fucking hate him. I hope Troy falls into a vat of toxic, boiling goo like in that-that movie. You know, the one with Arnold Schwarzenegger. What’s it called?” She looks up at me expectantly.
“He’s been in a lot of movies, babe.”
“Yeah, but there’s only one where he’s a machine that gets dropped into a lava vat,” she cries.
“Terminator?” I offer with a confused frown.
“Yes,” she says with a snap of her fingers. “That’s what I want. I want Troy to stumble off a catwalk into a vat of molten lava, and I want to stir him in with a stick. I don’t want him murdered, because I don’t believe in that—and I’m not going to kill him, because again, I know that’s objectively wrong. But I just need him to trip, you know? I need him to wear his stupid loafers with the tassels that make him look like a trust fund tool, and I need the tassel to get caught in the grate of the catwalk, and I need him to fall into the lava vat.”
I just blink, staring down at this woman I love. “That’s some dark shit, babe.”
“Yeah, well, Troy brings out the fucking worst in me,” she snaps. “And he deserves nothing less for what he’s trying to do to you.”
“What’s in this box?” I say, pointing at the smaller one with the note I can’t read.
“That was the first present he left me a couple weeks ago,” she says, glaring at the box. “My shredded divorce papers. Unsigned, of course.”
“And what does he intend to do with all the photos of us?”
“Blast them online,” she replies. “He means to paint you as a sex-addled hockey star who can’t keep his dick in his pants, fucking anything that moves, even married women.”
“Jesus. He doesn’t flatter me much, does he?”
“He wants to paint himself as the noble victim in our adulterous affair,” she goes on. “Never mind that I left him three fucking years ago after he cheated first,” she cries. “He started this downward spiral. He broke our vows first, not me. He was cruel and controlling. He lied to me and manipulated me; he got his family to lie and manipulate me. The marriage was broken. It is broken. And now look at this mess,” she cries, gesturing all around.
“So, he’s the cheater and the abuser and the blackmailer, but I’m gonna burn for it?”
She nods. “He knows how temperamental these sports franchises can be. They won’t want this bad press. They’ll run from you, Ryan. ‘Rats on a sinking ship’ I believe were his exact words. And I believe him,” she adds. “God help me, if he pulls this trigger, it’s you who will take the bullet, not me. My life is small, Ryan. My sphere of influence even smaller. I’ll lose my job and have to leave Cincinnati, but I was already resigned to that. He knew he couldn’t hurt me anymore by attacking me directly—”
“So, he’s attacking me,” I summarize.
She nods.
“He’s hurting me because he knows just how much that will hurt you. Is that it? Do I have all the pieces to the puzzle now?”
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I thought I could handle him on my own. I should have assumed he would try to take you from me once he knew I was in lo—”
She catches herself, shutting down, and my gaze locks on her. “Go on.”
She bites her bottom lip, her gaze flicking up to mine. “You need to understand that I have monumental abandonment issues, okay? We’re talking like, Washington Monument. Or think even bigger, like Mount Rushmore. And those are not to be outdone by my trust issues.”
“I get it,” I say, heart thumping. “You’re Tess the Red-hot Mess. But you were about to say something pretty monumental, and I, for one, am really interested to hear it.”
She purses her lips, that little glint in her eyes letting me know my Tess is in there.
Come on, baby, I whisper without words. It’s my spirit calling out to hers. I want every piece of this woman—her gorgeous body, her kindness, her clever mind. She’s it for me. She’s the fucking one. I never believed in the idea of soulmates. But until a few months ago, I had never met Tess. Now the universe is calling me a fool. If my soul ever had a mate, I’d want it to be her. But she has to be brave enough to want me too.
Say it.
She holds my gaze, her expression softening. Her hand reaches out, brushing up my arm as if we’re meant to touch. She’s where I want to begin and end.
Please, baby. Just say it.
“Ryan Charles Langley,” she says, tears in her eyes. “I’m in love with you.”
I let out a breath, shoulders sagging. “Oh, thank fuck—wait—” I raise a brow at her. “Charles? Babe, that’s not my middle name.”
She laughs. “I know, but it felt like a middle name moment, and I don’t know your middle name.”
I just shake my head, flashing her a smirk as she feeds my line back to me. “All you have to do is ask me.”
“I just told you that I love you,” she counters. “Me, Tess the Gemini With Two Dark Sides Owens, just told you, Ryan Puppy Langley, that I’m in love with you, and you have no comment?”
“I told you I love you, like, five minutes ago, and your only comment was to go on a rant about boiling Troy in a vat of lava.”
She gasps. “You did not.”
I stare down at her as I run the tape back in my mind. “Babe, yes, I did. I told you I loved you, and I made a whole speech about how we’re fucking made for each other.”
“No, we were talking about his leverage—”
“Yeah, and then I said—”
“Ohmygod, you said it,” she cries, eyes wide as she covers her hand with her mouth. “Wait—you said it and I missed it? You have to say it again.”
And now I’m laughing. I can’t help it. This woman is going to be the death of me, whether through soul-shattering sex or these circular conversations.
“Ryan,” she huffs, slapping my arm. “Please. Say it again.”
“Why bother? You clearly don’t listen,” I reply, feigning hurt feelings as I cross my arms.
“I was distraught,” she cries, tugging on my arms and trying to weasel her way closer. “I was thinking about how I’d already lost you, and how I couldn’t fucking bear it, and how lonely I was without you. I thought I had to do this on my own, like I was fucking cursed to be alone. So, my heart was breaking, and I couldn’t hear you beyond the sound of my own agony.”
We both go still as I gaze down at her. She’s clinging to me with both hands, gripping tight to my forearms. Her freckled cheeks are flushed red, her chest heaving with the exertion of unloading so much emotional baggage at once. I peer into her eyes and smile. My Tess is back. She’s in control. The scared creature she was when I first arrived is gone, banished. Tess the Mess, queen of my fucking heart, is here now and I mean to make her stay.
I cup her face. “You look at me right now, you wild creature. Are you looking at me?”
She nods.
“Tess, can you hear me?”
“Yes,” she says with a roll of her eyes.
“Do that again, and I’ll take you over my knee and spank your ass raw,” I warn.
She twitches in my hold, her gaze going molten as she looks up at me. “Ryan—”
“No speaking,” I say over her. “It’s the Virgo’s turn. Tess With Two Dark Sides can have her turn when I’m done, agreed?”
She nods, lifting her hands to wrap around my wrists.
“Tess Owens, I love you,” I say, trying to keep my voice from trembling. “I’m in love with you. Did you hear me that time?”
She nods again, happy tears filling her eyes.
“I don’t give a fuck what happened in your past,” I go on. “We all have one. The only thing I care about is that your past brought you to me. Your past is the story you’ve already written. You have to let it stay there, okay? We’re on a new page together, you and me. I’m your future, Tess. Say it.”
“You’re my future,” she says.
“The past doesn’t control your present,” I intone.
She repeats me, her voice soft. But I can tell she’s not quite convinced. It’s okay. I hold enough conviction for the both of us.
“You aren’t alone anymore, do you hear me? The only person who can keep you from me is you. In that sense, He Who Must Trip on a Shoe Tassel and Boil in Lava is right. You are in control, Tess. You’re in control of this,” I say, taking her hand and splaying it over my heart. “You’re in control of us. If you walk away, that will be your choice. If you stay, that will be your choice too. The door to my heart will always be open, and I will never seek to control you—”
“But you’re in control too,” she says. “You could walk away. You could shut me out.”
I just laugh. “Have you seen you, Tess? Have you seen these lips?” I brush my fingers over her mouth. “Have you heard your laugh? It stops me dead in my tracks every time.”
Her gaze softens as her body sinks into me, craving my closeness.
“Have you watched the way you cross a room in a pair of heels?” I bend lower to brush a kiss against her temple, my hands smoothing down her arms. “Have you ever felt what it is to hold all your attention?” My hands graze over her breasts, and I love the feel of her nipples hard against my palms.
The energy between us turns on a dime, and now I know my Tess is fully here, ready to put her crown back on. She’s ready to fucking own me.
And I’m ready to let her.
Inching away from her, I drop my hands to the hem of my Rays tech shirt and jerk it off, dropping it to the floor.
“What are you doing?” Her heated gaze takes me in. Oh, yeah, my sweet devil loves my body. She loves to tease it. Loves to wind me up and make me moan. She needs to feel in control right now? Fine. My Tess gets whatever she wants.
“Tess, I’m yours,” I say, taking her hands by the wrists and placing them palm-flat on my chest. “I’m yours. There will never be anyone else. Take me.”
She steps in, her hands smoothing over the hard planes of my chest, down my ribs.
I want her so goddamn much. My dick is twitching in my pants, turned on by her presence as much by her beauty or her touch. The truth is that I breathe easier just being in the same room. “I’m yours,” I say again, shucking my pants down my hips to the floor.
She looks at me, eyes wide, watching as I strip. “Puppy, what are you doing?”
“I’m giving myself to you.”
I step out of my pants, my dick hardening as her hungry gaze devours me. I love her eyes on me. I never want her to look away. I wiggle my toes at each heel, slipping out of my thin athletic socks, until I’m standing before the woman I love, naked except for my neoprene knee brace.
“I’m yours,” I say again, feeling the hold on my own control slipping away. I’m giving it all to her, every piece of me. I’m safe with her. All she has to do is hold out her hands and take me. “I want you to be the wild, happy Tess I met on the beach, all curls and confidence and killer curves for days. I want you to be powerful and free. That’s all I want.”
“I want that too,” she admits, her voice soft.
“Then be free with me,” I beg. “Tess, baby, I choose you. You’re my one. My only one.”
Her gaze takes me in, and I feel my body heat all over.
Slowly, I drop to my knees, gazing up at her, begging her with every piece of my soul. “If you want me, Tess, take me. Make me yours.”
I watch the column of her throat as she swallows. Then she takes a small step closer on bare feet, her hand reaching out for me. I lean into it like I did on my first night here, chasing her touch. She brushes her fingers through my hair, cupping the side of my head. I don’t bother holding back my groan.
“You want me to take you?” Her thumb brushes my temple.
I nod, turning my face to kiss her palm.
“Tell me what you want, Ryan.”
Reaching out, I take gentle hold of her hips. “My entire life revolves around me holding onto control—my diet, my exercise, the game, the puck. It’s not easy for me to let go.”
She nods, understanding in her eyes.
“But with you, it feels so easy,” I admit. “I trust you, Tess. I love you and I’m yours. Please, just end my agony and say you’ll be mine.” I say these last words as I sink forward, my face pressing against her stomach, my hands sliding down her hips to grip her thighs.
“Do you want to be my sweet boy?” Her fingers tease as they dance across my skin. “Do you want to know what it feels like to be claimed?”
I nod, words failing me as I watch her strip out of her T-shirt. She’s so goddamn beautiful.
“Speak, Ryan,” she says, shimmying out of her leggings and kicking them aside. She stands in front of me wholly naked, wholly mine. “Tell me what you want from me.”
I meet her eyes, losing myself in the forest greens and golds. “I want you to fuck me,” I reply. “Tess, please, baby. Show me I’m yours.”