Powerless (The Powerless Trilogy)

“If I get stung, I’m blaming you,” Lenny mumbles. He leads me through the gardens, passing dozens of gawking guests. “Not only is your dress attracting a lot of attention, but it’s also attracting a lot of bees.”

I try to stifle a snort as I look down at my gown that matches the deep roses lining the stone path we are walking. Guests mill about the gardens, making their way to the decorated wide patch of grass beyond the fountain where I splashed their future king in the face only a few days prior.

Since the Trials themselves aren’t the only things different this year, the second ball is being held in the gardens where the setting sun glints off goblets of champagne, casting everything in a dull gold. We step off the path and onto the edge of the plush open grass, eyeing the tables of desserts and grand garlands strung from surrounding sweeping trees. The musicians are tucked under a drooping willow, half-hidden behind the curtain of swaying leaves as they strum a lively tune. At the center of the festivities lies overlapping patterned rugs on the grass, all varying in size and style to create a colorful dance floor where several couples are already spinning.

“Well, unfortunately for you, I’m not your date,” Lenny says with a dramatic sigh. “So this is where I must say my goodbyes.”

I huff out a laugh. “However will I make it through the night without you?”

He sweeps into a mocking bow. “I know. Be brave, Princess. Now go find your prince.” And then he straightens, winks, and walks off into the gardens.

 I shake my head at his retreating form before taking a breath and heading farther into the makeshift ballroom for the night. I scan the swirl of dancing bodies, trying to find Kitt among them.

“It’s a good thing you’re wearing that dress, or I might have never found you.”

I jump at the sound of Kitt’s voice behind me and spin to face him, my skirts swishing around my legs. He smiles and shakes his head, taking me in from head to toe. “Although, even if you were wearing green, I doubt you’d blend in.”

I swallow, unsure of what to say to that before settling with a soft, “Thank you.”

He holds out his hand. “Dance with me?”

I place my palm in his and nod before I’m swept onto the dance floor. I feel as though I’m dancing with an entirely different boy than I did at the previous ball. Except, the only thing that changed is my perspective of him. We talk casually as we dance, and it’s a relief to be able to look into his eyes, to not flinch away from his touch.

“Did my father say something to you yesterday? After I left?” Kitt asks curiously when the song comes to an end.

I open my mouth, ready to spew a lie when a cold voice cuts me off.

“May I cut in?”

I take a deep, annoyed breath before turning my head towards Blair who is waiting to whisk my partner away. She’s paired her smirk with a deep green dress decorated by intricate beading that clings to her form.

The look Kitt gives me is comical. I choke back a laugh as his eyes bore into mine, pleading with me not to leave him. I give him a small smile, hoping he sees the apology in my eyes as I say, “Of course. He’s all yours.”

He shakes his head at me, pinning me with a stare as I step out of his arms and am quickly replaced by Blair. “Have fun,” I add, unable to hide my smile. Kitt gives me a look that promises revenge, and I choke back a laugh at the sight of it. I spin around, still smiling—

And collide with something solid.

No, someone solid.

Something wet splatters across my cheek as I back away from the body I’ve so ungracefully rammed into. The scent of wine mixed with pine hits me, and I swallow, knowing exactly who stands in front of me before I raise my face to meet his.

Kai smiles, looking equally rugged and handsome in the final rays of the setting sun. His hair is messier than normal with his ruffled, inky waves falling wherever they please. His eyes are a bright, cloudy sort of gray, alight with amusement. The suit he wears and crisp white shirt beneath are not only slightly rumpled but now partially stained a deep red.

Red wine sloshes in the glass gripped in his hand. Well, there’s little left now seeing that he’s now wearing most of it thanks to me.

My eyes snap to his when he bursts out laughing.

Several of the guests around us cast bewildered glances in our direction, having heard his unusual outburst. And I’m quite certain my expression mirrors theirs. His shoulders are shaking with laughter, and I halt, holding my breath. His grin is wide, wild, displaying a stunning smile accompanied by deep dimples.

I’m suddenly concerned.

Wine is dripping from the edges of his suit, and he can’t seem to stop laughing long enough to notice, or even care, that my clumsiness has ruined his clothes. I clear my throat, eying the guests eying us as I say, “Kai,” another deep rumble of laughter at the sound of his name, “why don’t we go get you cleaned up?”

I grab his hand before he has a chance to argue or laugh some more, and lead us to the bordering trees, aware of the eyes tracking our every move. I snatch a handkerchief from one of the long tables before shoving us under the drooping branches of a shadowy willow tree, shielding us from the gossiping guests.

Kai leans against the rough trunk, grinning wickedly at me. I give him a quick once over, assessing the damage I did to his clothes along with his strange behavior.

He leans close, too close, studying me thoroughly. “You know,” he breathes the words in a way that sends a shiver down my spine, “you didn’t have to spill my drink all over me to get me alone. You could have just asked me to dance.”

I meet his gaze before it begins to trail lazily down my body. I hold my breath, practically feeling the path his eyes are burning. Then, slowly, so insufferably, sensually, scandalously slow, his gaze makes its way back to mine. “Better yet, you would have made me come to you in that dress, sooner or later.”

I swallow. My eyes scan over him, taking in the rumpled clothes, the rumbling laughter, the flirty rambling—though I suppose that’s nothing new.

“You’re drunk.” I sigh out the words, shaking my head at him.

He’s smirking at me again, though it’s wilder than the ones I’ve grown so used to. “Maybe a little.”

I roll my eyes, wading up the cloth I grabbed and beginning to undo the button of his suit coat to try and sop up the shirt beneath as best I can. “Are you undressing me, Gray?” His face is close to mine again, breath tickling my cheek. “I mean, I can’t say I didn’t think this day would come.” He adds with an amused whisper, “Couldn’t resist me, darling?”

I look up at him then, flashing a smile of my own with a confidence I don’t currently feel. “Oh please,” I snort, “the only thing I’m resisting when I’m around you is the urge to put a dagger to your throat.”

His eyes are locked on mine. “I love when you threaten to kill me, do you know that?”

“Oh? And why is that?”

The corner of his mouth twitches up. “Because every time you don’t, it only proves that you don’t want to.”

And then he flicks the tip of my nose with a satisfied smile.

I bat his hand away with a huff, flustered and frustrated and hating that he’s the reason for my frazzled state. I fix my attention on his stained shirt, the fabric now sticking to the muscled body beneath.

Plagues, well that isn’t helping.

I begin dabbing at the red splotch, forcing myself to focus on the task rather than the boy before me. I try to forget that it’s him I’m helping all while simultaneously trying to remember why I’m helping him in the first place.

Then fingers catch my chin, and my breath catches in turn.

Kai tilts my head up to meet his gaze, fingers dancing along my jaw. He’s looking at me like one would a painting—drinking in every detail, delighting in its originality, deeming it a work of art.

He tilts my head to the side, turning my cheek towards the light.

I should push him away.

His thumb strokes my jaw.

I don’t want to push him away.

He chuckles and it’s a drunkenly delightful sound. “I forget how talented you are. Managed to spill my drink on the both of us.” His thumb swipes across my cheek, wiping away the wine I had forgotten splashed onto my face.

“Well maybe if you’d kept your eyes on the dance floor and your nose out of your glass, we wouldn’t be in this situation,” I say coolly.

“Oh, darling, my eyes were on the dance floor,” he says casually. “They were on you dancing with my brother.” Then he huffs out a laugh, craning his neck to shake his head at the canopy of leaves above us. “Why do you think I’ve been drinking?”

My heart is pounding against my ribcage, against the tight confines of this dress, threatening to burst and tear Adena’s careful stitching. He’s looking at me again, shrugging sloppily. “Besides, this,” he looks down at his stained shirt, “was most definitely the doing of your clumsy footwork.”

I fix him with a glare, willing myself not to smile. “Oh, is that right?”

“Shh.”

His fingers have found their way back under my chin, my jaw, cupping my face. Gray eyes drop to my mouth, gaze heavy. And then he’s dragging his thumb along the length of my bottom lip.

Wine.

I can taste it still coating the thumb he’s swiping across my mouth. I’m stunned, stone-still as his eyes track where his finger traces, ever so slowly, back and forth.

I should push him away.

But I don’t.

Instead, I watch him watch me. Watch his eyes roam over my face. Watch his chest heave with shaky breaths. Watch a muscle tick in his cheek. Watch a smile twitch his lips.

His next words are a murmur, as if he’s muttering his innermost thoughts while his thumb continues to wander over my lip. “Will you forever be the prize I am aimlessly trying to win?”

I inhale sharply, staring him down as I say, “Is that all I am to you? A trophy?”

A small smile twitches his lips as he shakes his head at me. “Oh, darling, a trophy implies that I won it, earned it, deserve it.” He leans in further, a certain reverence reflecting in his gaze. “But if I get to have you, it will be because you let me.”

I swallow, my mouth suddenly feeling far too dry.

It’s just the ramblings of a drunk man, that’s all.

His thumb is tracing my mouth and I allow myself one more moment to memorize the feeling.

And then I push him away.

One of my palms finds his chest, forcing some space between us while the other catches his wrist. I pull his fingers away from my mouth, my lips still tingling from his touch. I feel dizzy, like I could get drunk off his touch alone.

Dangerous.

“You’re not sober.” Tilting my head, I give him a smile. “So, you’re not allowed to touch me.”

He copies me, cocking his head to the side as he looks down at where I’m holding his wrist. “But you’re touching me.”

“Yes, well, I’m sober.”

A smile plays at his lips. “So, you’re saying I’m allowed to touch you when I’m sober?” His tone sounds more like a challenge than a question.

I consider it. Then I laugh. “I’m only saying yes because I doubt you’ll remember much of this conversation in the morning.”

His gaze flicks between my mouth and eyes, a drunken smirk twisting his lips. “Oh, darling, I doubt I could forget this.”

I shake my head at him, not bothering to suppress my smile before remembering that I’m still holding his wrist. I lower it slowly, letting it drop to his side as I distract myself by assessing the stain again.

I sigh, exasperated. “Obviously, that stain is not going to come out like this. You’ll need to take off your shirt and soak it.”

His grin is wicked. “You’re trying to get me naked? Again?” He says this far too loud and I’m sure far too many people hear it. I pin him against the tree, clamping a hand over his mouth so no more nonsense can come spewing out of it.

I’m trying not to laugh and failing miserably. I snort and clamp a hand over my mouth, shaking with less than silent laughter at my current situation. At that, I feel Kai’s lips smiling against my palm and tug my hand back before I can change my mind.

“Don’t stop,” he murmurs.

I nearly choke on my laugh. “Stop what?”

“That. Laughing.”

I still at his words, unable to stop myself from falling silent.

He gives me a look, frowning slightly. “You never listen to me, do you?”

And with that, I’m being pulled towards the carpeted dance floor.

“What are you—?” I sputter as he stops abruptly at the edge of the dancing couples and spins around. Words fail me when he lifts the back of my hand to his lips, brushing a kiss over my knuckles. Then his mouth finds the pad of my thumb, lips lightly pressing there before they vanish so quickly I wonder if I’ve imagined it.

I’m stunned into silence.

Kai seems pleased by this.

Still holding my hand and grinning widely, he sweeps into a surprisingly steady bow as he says, “May I have this dance?”

I don’t get the chance to answer before he tugs on my arm, pulling me into him and onto the dance floor. I’m wrapped in his arms, pressed tightly against him. His mouth is suddenly at my ear, murmuring, “I wasn’t really asking.”

I pull back so I can look into his face, scoffing. “I thought you said you were a gentleman?”

“Only when I want to be.”

My eyes wander to his stained shirt, visible to everyone around us. “Kai, your shirt. Maybe you should change—”

“Darling,” he cuts me off with a humored huff, “I’m used to being covered in other red, sticky liquids far worse than wine.”

True.

I try to push the gory thought away and let him sweep me across the rugs. The sun has set, casting the guests beside us in shadows and flickering lamplight. It’s so familiar—the feel of each other, the footwork, the flirting. Familiar. But what amazes me the most is how steady and sure Kai is on his feet. How articulate he manages to be even while intoxicated. I suppose some masks never seem to slip.

And then it finally happens. Kai stumbles, if only for a moment. A slight trip of his feet.

“Look who has the clumsy footwork now?” I smirk, not realizing how badly I’ve wanted to see him struggle during a dance. During anything.

He gives me a dull look. “Yeah, well, that tends to happen when you’re drunk.”

“You said you were only a little drunk, remember?”

“Fine. Then you can cut me a little slack.” He’s looking me over, shaking his head at what he sees. “Besides, your dress is very distracting. I like it.”

I huff out a laugh. “That is a terrible excuse.”

“That’s because I was giving you a compliment, not an excuse.”

“Well then that was a terrible compliment.”

I see the challenge flash in his eyes before I hear it in his voice. “Then why don’t you give me an example of a good compliment, Gray.”

I should have seen that coming. Of course he is going to use this as an excuse for me to finally flatter him—except that I won’t. “Fine,” I say curtly. “Your hair looks very…soft.”

“Soft?” Kai echoes with a cough that might have been a laugh. “Oh, come now, you can do better than that.” He leans in closer, his voice taunting as he adds, “And if you want to run your fingers through my hair, I wouldn’t be opposed to—”

“Your smile.” I cut him off before his offer can tempt me. “I like when you truly smile. When you’re not wearing the mask of the future Enforcer or the prince, and you simply allow me to see you. It’s a smile I wish you would share with me more often.”

I swallow and fall silent. That was not at all what I intended to tell him, and yet, that doesn’t make it any less true. At the sight of that smile, it’s easy to forget who he is and what he does. At the sight of that smile, I see a boy instead of the king’s deadly pawn. At the sight of that smile, I see someone who is more than a friend instead of someone who would kill me if they knew what I am.

And suddenly, that smile is sounding very dangerous.

“Even with my stupid dimples, you still like my smile?” Kai’s words are soft, slightly breathless, and my answer is equally so.

“Even with your stupid dimples, Azer.”

 His lips twitch into a variation of that smile I shouldn’t be seeking out, though it’s softer than the ones I’ve seen before. He opens his mouth and—

“Malakai.”

Our eyes snap to the queen now standing a few feet away, a pleasant smile on her stunning features. “Do share her with the other gentleman, won’t you?”

“She’s mine for the night, Mother.” Kai’s eyes are back on me. “A small price to pay for ruining my clothes.”

But the queen is gone, whisked away by chattering guests and dancing figures before the words even left Kai’s mouth.

I blink at him, unable to stop the smile spreading across my lips. “Your name is Malakai?”

“Yes, well, I’ve also been called devilishly handsome, devastatingly powerful, and more recently, a cocky bastard.”

“Whoever called you that must know you quite well.”

“Yes, more than I care to admit,” he says quietly. The drone of violins fills the silence that stretches between us. When he finally speaks, Kai’s question is quiet. “Are you ready for tomorrow?”

I’m reminded of Kitt’s same question at the previous ball as I say, “Are you?”

He exhales slowly. “I have to be.”

There’s a long pause.

The smile I give him is sad. “That’s not what I asked.”

“Smartass,” he mutters under his breath, managing to truly make me smile. “The truth then?”

“The truth always.”

“Then no. I’m not ready,” he sighs, ducking his head close to mine. “But we’ll be fine. We always are.”

I nod numbly, not needing him to explain what he means. Both of our lives have been a series of trials that we’ve had to survive. Only now, we are going through one together, one we will fight our way out of just as we’ve done in the past.

As if to emphasize his words, he reaches up and flicks the tip of my nose, sharing that smile of his with me. And rather than pushing him away like I know I should, I find myself smiling back.

We settle into a comfortable silence as we spin. The garden is now bathed in moonlight, and lamps are flickering warm light over the faces swirling beside us.

Kai suddenly dips me, his fingers grazing the bare skin peeking between the slit of my dress before lazily gliding up the cool dagger resting upon my hot skin. I bite back a surprised yelp while he only laughs. “Didn’t I tell you that daggers aren’t needed for dancing?”

He places me back on my feet as I breathlessly reply, “Depends on who your partner is.”

I hate that he makes me feel like I’m always trying to catch my breath.

And what I hate even more is that he knows it.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I drill those words into my head, forcing them through my thick skull. I refuse to get caught up in him.

He must be able to see the battle raging in my brain because he grins at me.

Dimples.

Those damn dimples.

I’m practically panting now, trying to breathe, trying to ignore this boy in front of me. Trying to ignore his dazzling smiles and difficult past I now know so much about. His caring and charming side, the little things that make up him, his hands that are on me—

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Gray eyes flick between mine, worry reflecting in them. “Is everything alright?”

I hadn’t noticed how quickly I’m breathing, how I’m trying to gulp down air and failing miserably. Kai looks suddenly sober and suddenly serious, which I can only assume means that he can see the panic plastered all over my face. His arm tightens ever so slightly around me, ever so protectively.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

“Pae…”

Oh, why can’t I hate it?

“What’s wrong?” His voice is stern, cutting through my haze of hysteria.

There are so many bodies around me, so close, so pressing. The air feels so thin, so hot in my lungs. I feel so confined, so trapped. Body locking, heart leaping, mind laughing at how weak I am.

My head is spinning and so are we. I stumble to a stop—my partner, my thoughts, my breathing all halting with me. I can’t swallow the panic, can’t swallow down air, can’t swallow my pride to admit to myself that something is wrong.

Calm down. You’re fine.

Suddenly, I’m that little, helpless girl again. The one with the dead dad and murdered dreams. The one being beaten against a pole for stealing to survive, running to rid herself of haunting memories. The one who would curl up in a ball, crippled by grief and consumed by panic. The one who couldn’t be in large crowds or small spaces without gasping for air or grappling to escape. Weak from worry, powerless from panic. No, just powerless.

Calm down. You’re fi—

I’m having a panic attack.

The dress is abruptly too tight, squeezing my ribs, choking me, forcing the air from my lungs. The crowd around me is suddenly doing the same: squeezing me, choking me, pressing in, oblivious to how the garden packed full of people is suddenly petrifying me.

“I—I can’t breathe.” The words are a gasp, and I’m embarrassed that I have to admit to him, to myself, a fear that hasn’t haunted me in years. “Claustrophobic.” I barely manage to get the breathless word out, but he doesn’t wait for me to struggle through an explanation before I’m pressed to his side, letting him lead me to the edge of trees.

“Just a little farther. Hold on,” he murmurs, pushing us through the crowd and back under the dark willow. I feel the rough bark of a trunk against my back and open my eyes, not realizing I had shut them in the first place.

In the shadows, I can barely make out Kai standing in front of me, wearing the same look he had when I was bleeding out on the forest floor before him. “Breathe, Pae. Breathe.” He seems to be struggling for air himself, his eyes scanning my face as mine dart around frantically.

“Hey, hey, hey. Look at me,” he says softly, more softly than I’ve ever heard him speak. And for once, I listen to him. I’m blinking rapidly, studying his shadowed face in the darkness, trying to calm myself. Though, technically, he was the reason for this panic attack in the first place. He made me panic. He makes me panic. I let my mind get out of control and spiral, my deep-rooted fear of claustrophobia only uprooting after the initial panic that was caused over him.

Caused by frustrating feelings for him.

I’m still breathing heavily, struggling to get enough air into my lungs. He’s kept his distance from me, giving me space. But now he’s slipping an arm around my back, gently, slowly.

“What are you—?”

Air floods into my lungs as if I’ve been underwater this whole time and only just broke through the surface. I gulp it down, greedily, relishing in how it feels to fully breathe again. The panic begins to dissolve, my mind finally settling after spinning out of control.

“Much better, I’m sure.” Kai sounds relieved, though the faintest smirk is lifting his lips.

And that’s when I feel it.

My dress shifts.

I look down and nearly gasp at the gaping fabric that was once stretched tight across my chest. The waist is loosened, no longer cinched to fit my figure.

The whole dress is about to fall off me.

I clutch the top of the sleeveless gown and tug it up, gawking at him. “What were you thinking—”

“I was thinking,” Kai shoves his hands in his pockets, the perfect picture of nonchalance, “that you couldn’t breathe. And as much as I like that dress on you, I figured you would look just as good in it with the laces undone.” He dips his head and smiles to himself, apparently humored by this. “So you could breathe, of course.”

He winks. He winks.

I’m fuming.

“I am going to—”

“Thank me?” he cuts in, pulling at the cuffs of his jacket. My eyes have adjusted to the dim light, and I’m not surprised to see the amusement reflected in his when he meets my gaze. There is no trace of the worried male only moments ago.

I have one hand holding the top of the dress up while the other grips the two pieces of the back together, since, thanks to Kai, the laces aren’t doing that anymore.

“If I had a free hand right now,” I say through clenched teeth, “I would pull my dagger on you.”

“I’m glad to see you are feeling well enough to threaten me again.” He tilts his head, giving me an assessing look.

He’s right. I should thank him. I hadn’t realized how tight the dress was until the panic had me panting for air. Hadn’t realized that simply being able to take a deep breath again would clear my head more than I ever thought possible. Untying the laces was brilliant. But I’m not willing to tell him that.

Distraction.

The word echoes in my head, and I begin to wonder if that is what Kai is doing. Again. Using the banter as a buffer. Turning my attention from my panic and pinning it on him. Using my anger and annoyance to distract, divert. But it’s not his calculating that shocks me anymore, it’s his caring. It’s that he understands exactly what I need.

“Pae.” He’s closer to me now, all amusement wiped from his face. “Are you alright? Truly?”

“Yes. Thank you.” His lips twitch. “Not for undressing me,” I huff, “but for…helping me.”

He shrugs. “Same thing.”

I roll my eyes at him while my hand toys with the laces of my dress despite knowing I won’t be able to tie them. “Can you—” I heave a sigh, annoyed that I have to ask this of him. “Can you tie the laces again for me?”

He studies me for a long moment. “You should retire for the night. Get some rest.”

“Well then I’m going to have to make it back to my room without this dress falling off of me.”

His lips twitch, and I know him well enough to know that he’s likely restraining from saying something wildly inappropriate in response. But when he takes a step towards me, he only says, “Fair enough.”

“It doesn’t need to be tight,” I say, turning slowly towards the tree. “But I do need the dress to stay on.” I barely hear his soft steps behind me before I feel his fingers brush my bare back as he gathers the laces.

He pulls gently at the ties, as though almost unsure of himself. I almost laugh. The action feels far too timid to belong to the prince behind me. “I must admit that I’m far better at undoing laces than tying them,” he says distractedly.

I huff. “Of course you are.”

His quiet laugh stirs my hair, and I still. He tugs on the ties one last time before tying them swiftly, his calluses brushing my skin.

I suppress a shiver and turn towards him, smoothing the skirts of my gown. That gray gaze glides up my body before meeting my eyes, his voice rough when he says, “You’re not suffocating?”

“No,” I laugh, “I’m breathing just fine. Thank you.” I move to step out from under the cover of the willow’s drooping branches when Kai steps beside me.

“I’ll walk you to your rooms,” he says simply.

“You don’t need to do that.”

“You’re right. I don’t.” He threads my arm through his as we begin walking through the crowded garden towards the castle. “But I want to.”

I duck my head and smile. “I could get used to you being a gentleman, Azer.”

He’s quiet for so long that I think he might not respond. But when he does, I hear the smile in his voice. “And I could get used to being one for you, Gray.”