Phoenix

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

I rolled over on my soft bed and slapped at the clock.

“Shut up,” I told it.

King pressed against my legs. The dog was sprawled unabashedly across the majority of my queen sized bed, leaving me a tiny space to curl up in.

“Get down,” I commanded.

King put his tan paws over his black pointy ears and wagged his stubby tail. But he didn’t move his gigantic body.

I unfolded myself from the bed.

It was so early. And it seemed even earlier in the cold dark. I wished I could die, but I was going to do my best to get better and be less of a burden for my mother.

I walked past Mom’s sewing room on my way to kitchen. There was light under the door. She’d probably been up all night. I wished I hadn’t told her about Lexia.

I wished I hadn’t seen Lexia. Especially not as an elven ranger.

That particular bit, I would keep to myself. I wasn’t about to admit I was seeing the ghost of my dead sister as an elf. I could already see all of my Magic cards going up in flames in the fireplace.

I found a pan and turned on the stove. Then I took eggs out of the fridge and cracked them into melted butter. I peeked down the hall to the sewing room to see if Mom was coming. She wasn’t. I grabbed the carton of orange juice and gulped straight from the container.

“Cups, Phoenix,” Mom called from her sewing room.

How did she know?

The eggs sizzled in the pan. I sprinkled them with salt and pepper and put a lid on them.

The phone in the front pocket of my hoodie buzzed. I pulled it out and flipped it open.

“You coming or what?” Pete asked. “Jake won’t wait forever.”

“I’m coming, just a sec,” I said. I threw my backpack over my shoulder and grabbed my basketball duffel bag. I scraped the eggs onto bread and shoved them into my mouth in one bite. They weren’t quite done, and they were hot. I choked them down, gagging on the yolk a little bit.

“Bye Mom!” I yelled, slamming the door behind me.

My breath curled in wisps above my head. I hurried to the car and jumped in the back seat.

“Where’s your coat?” Jake asked, looking over his shoulder from the driver’s seat.

“I don’t know,” I said. Jake turned back around and turned the music up. Deep bass thumped through my bones. Jake accelerated around the bend in the driveway, almost fishtailing the back end of the car into the rock retaining wall.

“Holy crap!” I yelled, “Learn to drive!”

“Yes mother,” Jake replied. Eremil looked at me, shrugging his shoulders.

I buckled my seatbelt.

Jake rocketed down 8th Street’s slick hill, skidding through instead of stopping when we came to the stop sign on Kentucky. We flew sideways across the intersection.

He’s going to kill us, I thought. My fingers hovered above the seatbelt release. Maybe Jake’s driving could succeed where the fire had failed. If I let it. I left the seat belt buckled.

I tried to make myself stop thinking about how much better everything would be if I was gone. I closed my eyes.

The Darkness is in your mind, Lexia’s voice whispered in my head. I saw her as an elf in my daydreams, dressed in leathers, ready for adventures. I saw her scratch Princess’s white blazed nose with her slim white fingers. It almost felt like I was there with her.

Phoenix, Lexia’s voice said and the world tilted sideways.

I looked for her, but I couldn’t find her. Her voice seemed so far away. Like a fairytale or a remembered dream.

Do you remember? she asked.

I knelt on a plush rug, stacking colored wooden blocks with smooth, small pudgy hands.

“Our world is failing, Elandril,” Momma said to Papa. I looked up at her and smiled. She was beautiful and fair, tall and lithe. She was a magic wielder. She handed me a wooden horse and I happily took it. It was big and black, just like the horse I would someday ride into battle. She turned from me to face Papa. His short cut hair shone golden blond.

“Our race is diminishing, growing weaker and weaker,” she said. Papa’s face hardened. “A thousand years ago, cities of elves covered the face of the land, stretching across it. Now, one must ride for days in any direction to find elves. Soon, there will be nothing left. And yet, we still possess the Scepters. Are not they prophesied to bring forth the Golden Dawn of the elves? A time when magic will be abundant among us? And with that magic, will we not once again be a great people? That time has not yet happened. The Scepters lie dormant, but they do not have to. I am one of the last to have magic. I can bring about the Golden Dawn. Let me compel a Scepter to bond with me. ”

“It is too dangerous, Sominette,” Father said. He worked to polish his golden armor as I played on the floor, trusting no squire to see to it. The metal gleamed in the candlelight. “We cannot know what will happen if a Scepter rejects you. There is so much we do not know.”

“You are right,” Momma said. “We do not know what will happen. But we do know what will happen if we do not try. Eloria will fade and the elves will fail. We will become as the humans, living in the world, but not connected to it, not knowing one tree from another and unable to name the winds. We will no longer be elves.” Papa shook his head.

“I cannot let you risk it, Sominette,” Papa said.

“We cannot risk not trying,” Momma protested.

“Nix,” Pete said, shaking my shoulder.

My eyes popped open.

“We’re here,” Pete said. “You really need to get more sleep. It’s like a two minute car ride.”

“Yeah,” I said, pretending to yawn. “I’m super tired.”

I unfolded my long frame from the back seat of the small car. With mincing steps, I walked across the frozen parking lot, my Converse sliding on ice so dark it didn’t reflect the light from the overhead parking lot lights. We pushed open the doors to the gym and hurried across to the locker room. I put my stuff down and pulled my basketball shoes out of my bag and put them on. I laced them up. Pete did the same.

“You really should be wrestling, Pete,” I told him. He just shrugged out of his heavy coat, showing thick muscles on his arms and shoulders.

“Are you going to wrestle?” he asked, adjusting the drawstring on his shorts.

I gestured to my lithe frame. I was tall, but light, and long. I didn’t even want to try wrestling. Besides, those singlet things were ridiculous.

“I’m built like a stick,” I said. “I’d get crushed. But you. You’re huge!”

Pete wasn’t as tall as I was, but he was easily twice as thick. And he wasn’t fat.

Half-elf.

I shook my head.

“I don’t want to do it if you’re not going to,” Pete said. “Besides, I don’t like grabbing other guy’s junk.”

Jake came out of the bathroom stall and walked over to the sink.

“Well, Pete,” Jake said, examining his teeth as he washed his hands, “I would have thought you liked grabbing guy’s junk with the way you and Phoenix hang out all the time.”

Pete stood up, cracking the knuckles in his broad hands. His jaw clenched.

“Let’s go warm up,” I said. Pete glared at Jake, but didn’t say anything.

“Sometimes…”Pete said and then stopped.

“Jake’s such a tool,” I said. I tested basketballs in the bin, finally selecting one. Pete still looked at the locker room door.

“I like girls. Well, I liked one girl. But she’s…” Pete trailed off, watching Jake walk away. “Lexia kissed me once. Just once. I really miss her, you know.”

“I miss her too,” I said. I didn’t know she had kissed Pete. I didn’t know how I felt about that.

“I wish I could see her, just one more time,” Pete said.

I wish I could stop seeing her, I thought.

I bounced the ball I selected, testing it. I liked the way the leather felt under my palm, the way the ball seemed to return to my hand without me having to think about it.

Felix and Smith came crashing through the gym doors, letting in a blast of cold air. They laughed about something.

Coach came out of his office and checked the clock on the wall. Practice would start in two minutes.

“Come on, Pete,” I said. “Let’s play a little bit o’ one on one.”

Pete swooped by in response, taking the ball and making an easy layup.

“That’s one for me,” he said, pushing the ball at me.

I took it beyond the three point line, checked it, and dashed past Pete for a layup.

“And there’s one for me,” I huffed.

The rest of the team made a knot by the ball bin, selecting balls. Camden came through the gym doors, running for the locker room.

“Hurry it up, Odell! Practice starts in thirty seconds,” Coach called.

Thirty seconds later, we were all running laps around the gym, stopping at each of the six baskets to make a lay-up and then hurrying on to the next one. Running, passing, and shooting filled my mind, pushing any thoughts of Lexia away.

Coach set up a suicide challenge and both players for each position raced through a set of double suicide lines. Pete beat Smith, the other wing, and I beat Felix, the other center.

I wished my whole life could pass without thought, just like basketball practice did. Just run, and sweat, and throw a ball into the air, and it was all over. No mom to worry about. No meds to take.

No dead sister showing up all over the place.

Coach blew his whistle three times and then shouted, “Off to the showers, ladies!”

“Better watch out,” Jake said to Camden, “Pete was talking about grabbing other guys’ junk before practice.”

My knuckles burned and Jake bent over, his nose bleeding onto the floor. I guessed that I hit him, but I couldn’t remember thinking I wanted to. I couldn’t remember deciding to. An instinct had just taken over. But my knuckles burned, and the other boys stood in a circle around us.

“Whoa, Nix!” Pete shouted, grabbing my shoulders.

Coach ran over, his feet thumping the maple floor.

“What the hell Carter?” Coach yelled. Jake stood up now, holding the end of his nose.

“Yeah, what the hell?” Jake said.

“Language, Simpson,” Coach warned. Jake shot him an incredulous look.

“Did I hit him?” I asked. “Did I really hit him? I don’t remember doing it.”

Coach looked at me sideways, and then held a handkerchief from his pocket to Jake’s nose. There was sympathy in his face for that brief second and it was almost like I could read his mind. He knew half my family was dead, and he felt sorry for me. He probably attributed my “acting out” to grief. He wasn’t entirely wrong.

“Just go get in the shower, Carter,” Coach said.

I complied. Sometimes having my sister and dad die recently worked in my favor.

Sometimes.

My hair was still wet when I slid into my desk in first period. I bent to pull my folder out of my backpack on the floor. When I sat back up, Jewel stood in front of me, offering me my Northface.

“Thanks for that,” she said, her green eyes indicating the coat. “How was Pete’s?”

I swallowed.

“Well…”

“I knew it!” she said, throwing my coat in my face. Color suffused her face, highlighting her cheekbones. “I knew you weren’t going to Pete’s.”

The smell of the coat had changed. It still smelled like my dad, but there was a hint of something sweet laid over the old smell.

The world depends on you.

Jewel’s green eyes flashed. She leaned over my desk.

“I appreciate the gallant gesture, my lord,” she said mockingly. Her voice was low and threatening. “But you will never risk death for me again, am I clear?”

The bell rang and she slid into the desk next to me.

“Okay,” Ms. Oak said, “Get out your notebooks. Free write for twenty minutes.” Ms. Oak walked over to her desk and started reading a paperback book. “Go.”

I pulled out my notebook and tapped it with my mechanical pencil. What should I write about?

Everyone I know is someone else. Everything I thought I knew, I have forgotten. My heart is lost in a sea of grief. The Darkness is in my mind.

“That’s so depressing,” Jewel whispered over my shoulder.

“Yeah, what are you writing?”

She held her notebook out for me.

“See Dick,” she wrote over a stick figure drawing of a man. “See Spot.” The picture of the dog was slightly more filled out. Not quite a stick figure, but not quite anything else. “See Dick forget to feed Spot.” The dog’s face showed teeth. “See Spot get very, very hungry.” The next picture showed Spot looking at Dick. “See Spot find his own food.” Dick’s stick figure lay in a puddle of blood and Spot seemed to be gnawing on his head. “Good dog, Spot.”

“That’s sick,” I said.

“Yeah, but it’s funny, right?” Jewel asked.

“I don’t know, it’s pretty twisted,” I said. Jewel examined her work, frowning and tapping her lips with her pencil.

“Phoenix Carter,” a voice said over the intercom, “Please report to the main office.”

Oh crap, I’m going to get expelled, I thought. I guess the “poor kid with the dead sister” thing didn’t work for me this morning.

I grabbed my back pack and went to the office. My mom stood by the secretary’s desk. She was wrapped in a red overcoat, the belt tied tight around her rapidly shrinking waist. She looked so small standing there, pretending to smile, pretending to be anything but lost. Her dark wavy hair was unruly, as always.

“Are you ready to go?” Mom asked me. She smiled. She was really trying today. She wore pink lipstick that smudged onto her teeth.

“Yes,” I said, shouldering my backpack. “I just need to get my duffel out of the gym.”

“Oh,” Mom said, “You’ll be back later. We’re just going to see the doctor.”

Inwardly, I breathed a sigh of relief. No expulsion today.

“Okay,” I said. Mom led me out to the car and I got in the passenger seat. I buckled the seatbelt.

I reached over and turned on the radio. Mom reached over and turned it off, preferring silence. I waited for her to say something. Anything. The silence carried on.

We drove down the hill to the bridge. The river stretched out in the distance, steaming in the cold. I watched the light flash through the steel supports that arched over the river. We turned right on the other side, heading down the Avenue. We hadn’t said a word when Mom pulled the car into the office building’s parking lot. I got out.

“See you in an hour,” Mom said, leaning over the gear shift and parking brake.

“Okay, see you,” I replied. I walked into the building.

The receptionist smiled at me. She was young and had shiny blond hair.

“Can I help you?” she asked sweetly.

“I’m here to see the doctor,” I said tapping my fingers on her desk. “I need a med adjustment.” Her smile slipped a little.

“Which doctor?” she asked.

“I usually see Dr. Banks,” I said.

“Okay sweetie,” the blond smiled. She checked her computer screen. “What’s your name?”

“Phoenix Carter,” I said.

“Oh, here we are,” she said. She was obviously delighted. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

As soon as I went to the couch to sit down, a door opened into the reception area and a man emerged. He was shorter than me with a full head of grey hair and a neatly trimmed grey beard.

“Phoenix?” he asked, extending his hand. His face wore an expression of wonder, and disbelief. I took his hand in mine and shook it.

“Yes,” I said.

“Right this way,” the man said. “I’m Dr. Lucius. Dr. Banks is not in today, but I can help you.”

He led me down a hallway to a small room with a plush brown leather couch and a shiny red leather chair. Dr. Lucius sat in the chair and motioned for me to take the couch. I settled apprehensively. He kept staring at me.

“You look really familiar,” I finally realized. “Do I know you?”

“I don’t know,” Dr. Lucius asked staring into my eyes. A lifetime could have passed in that moment, staring into each other’s eyes. It seemed to me that I knew him. That I had seen him, frequently, in some other place, some other time. I tried to recognize the spark that passed between us. “Do you?”

I shook my head. My dream, I realized. He was in my dream. That’s creepy.

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Lucius asked.

“Super fantastic,” I said flatly. Dr. Lucius raised his eyebrows above the rim of his glasses.

“I’m not sure that sarcasm helps, son,” he said.

“I’m not sure it helps for you to call me son,” I shot back.

“Fair enough,” he said, inclining his head. He took a pen from his pocket and clicked it open.

“You need a med adjustment?” he asked, taking a pad from off the table beside his chair.

“I see my dead sister all the time,” I admitted. “I want it to stop.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dr. Lucius asked.

“No,” I said very slowly. Apparently he didn’t understand the first time. “I just want it to stop.”

“Why do you think you see her?” Dr. Lucius asked.

“Because I’m freaking crazy!” I said. Dr. Lucius raised his eyebrows again and wrote something down on the notepad.

“Is she real?” Dr. Lucius asked.

“What?” I demanded. “I already told you, she’s dead.”

“Yes, I understand from your file that she died with your father in a fire,” Dr. Lucius said patiently. “I also understand that you were burned in that fire. But that’s not what I asked you: I asked if she’s real.”

My mouth hung open.

“If she’s real, no amount of medication will make you stop seeing her, son,” Dr. Lucius explained. “Well, I take that back. Full sedation might work.”

“She’s not real,” I said, shaking my head. Who would have thought the shrink would be even crazier than me?

“How do you know?” Dr. Lucius asked. His grey eyes were sharp behind his glasses.

“Because she’s dead,” I repeated, throwing myself back against the couch as I folded my arms across my chest.

“Do the dead leave us?” Dr. Lucius whispered. “Or are they with us always? Your sister and you were close, correct?”

“Twins,” I said.

“Would not your soul and hers still strive to be together? How could something as inconsequential as death tear apart the bond between siblings, the bond between twins?”

My breath moved in and out of my body. My chest hurt. My eyes burned.

I looked down at my shoes. They were scuffed on the white toe caps. When I looked up, I didn’t want to meet the doctor’s intense eyes. I looked over my shoulder to the right. Lexia sat on the end of the couch. Her elvish face wore an impish grin. She looked between me and Dr. Lucius.

“Can you just write me a prescription?” I asked. A tear ran down my cheek. “I see her everywhere, and she’s – she’s…”

“She’s what, Phoenix?” the doctor probed.

I closed my eyes. I swallowed. I didn’t want to tell him.

“She’s…”I whispered, looking at the floor. “I see my dead sister everywhere I look and she’s...” Anger rose in me so fast. My knuckles remembered smashing into Jake’s stupid nose and they wished they could smash into this doctor’s stupid nose too. “Can you just write out the prescription?” I said through gritted teeth.

“I don’t think that’s going to be possible,” Dr. Lucius said calmly. “I don’t think they will do you any good.”

I stood up and walked away. I might not have gotten expelled for hitting Jake, but I’d probably go to jail if I punched the stupid doctor. I slammed the door on my way out.

The receptionist’s plastic smile chased me out of the waiting area. I walked out of the building’s door. Then I just kept walking, all the way down the Ave into historic downtown Wenatchee.

I saw the Columbia rolling along in glimpses between the buildings. Statues of Coyote and children and apples dotted the street. I think whoever put them there meant them to be artistic, maybe to pay homage to the great Northwest. I thought they were trying too hard.

I ducked into the sporting goods store in the bottom of one of those historic buildings and started looking at basketball shoes. I would have loved to have new shoes for the game on Friday. An associate dressed in ref’s black and white stripes came out from the back room and looked me up and down.

“Cutting school?” he asked, a knowing smile spreading on his face.

“No,” I said. “I graduated last year. I just look young. Are you hiring?”

“Yeah, we are,” he said, smiling falsely again. “Let me go get you an application.”

He ducked into the back again and I turned to go. He was calling the truancy officer. I didn’t need his smiles to see that. Lexia stood just beyond the glass doors.

I pushed the door open as hard as I could. Lexia jumped back with the grace of an elf, landing several feet beyond the swinging door.

“Phoenix,” she said. Her voice was just how I remembered it. “None of this is real. The Darkness is in your mind.”

“So now you can speak,” I mumbled back. “Great. Can you just go away?”

“Come away with me,” Lexia replied. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to make her go away. The cold squeezed in from every side, seeping cold into my bones. The cold was real, burning into my lungs as I breathed. I started to shiver. This was real, this feeling. Maybe now she would be gone. I opened my eyes and Lexia stared intently back. Even that trick wasn’t working any more.

I wanted to die.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out.

“Where are you?” Mom demanded. Her voice was frantic. “I came to pick you up and you’re not here.”

“Calm down,” I said. “I’m okay.”

“But Phoenix,” she said. I heard the quiver in her voice, a tremble stifling the sob. “You’re not where I left you. I didn’t know where you went.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m just down the street at Arlberg’s.”

“Stay right there,” Mom said, her voice breaking. “I’m on my way.”

I flipped the phone closed and put it in my pocket. Guilt rolled through me. I couldn’t make myself stay and listen to the crazy shrink. I didn’t get new meds. And now I heaped even more care on my mother’s tired shoulders.

I sat on the curb to wait for her.

“Where do you go when you sleep?” Lexia asked. Her elven form sat next to me on the curb. “What do you see when you close your eyes?”

I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t want her to be there. I couldn’t help it. I looked at her silver eyes. They were just as I remembered: intelligent, knowing, calm. Lexia had always known exactly what to say.

“Why do you not remember who you are?” Lexia whispered.

Momma was worried.

“I need you to help me save the world, my son,” Momma said, running gentle hands over mine. She caressed each one of my fingers. I looked up at her, studying her face with it’s fine, sharp features. The room was dim, lit only by a candle set on a table next to us. Momma’s eyes met mine. “You are the only one who can.”

“What can I do to help you?” I asked. Her hair was curly, just like mine. She always said I got the curls from her and the color from the sunset.

“There are four Scepters,” she said, her dark eyes wide. “And we need four elves with special magic to try to become friends with the Scepters. If they can be friends, the Scepters will awaken and bring magic back to all the elves. Our world will be full of elves and magic again.”

“Magic like yours?” I asked. “Magic that lets you know what people think?” She smiled at me. She was so beautiful.

“Not just like mine, baby,” she said. “But magic like mine. If we can be friends with the Scepters, and wake them up, everyone will have their own magic.”

“I don’t have any magic,” I said. I felt really bad. “I can’t help you save the world.”

“You don’t have any magic yet, but you will,” she said. She looked at my hands. “I just have to wake it up. Can you be brave?”

I nodded. She brought the candle closer and grabbed my wrist. Fear tickled in my belly. She brought the candle right under my hand, holding it closer and closer until heat ate through my fingers.

I screamed and tried to pull my hand back. Momma let go and scooped me into her arms.

“Momma!” I cried. She held me to her, rocking and soothing.

“Sh, baby,” she said. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” I sobbed into her chest. She pushed me back a little bit to look at me.

“Do you feel different?” she asked hopefully. I bit my lip and shook my head. Tears fell down my cheeks. Her mouth made a line across her face and she took my burned hand in her own, examining it. The skin was raw, beginning to bubble.

“I am sorry,” she said. And then she grabbed my other hand. I tried to get away, but I was too little. She brought the candle again and I screamed and screamed. Smoke hissed up from my skin.

“Momma! Momma!” I screamed. “Please! Please let me go! Please!” She dropped the candle. Gathering me against her again, she cried and rocked.

“Oh my sweet love,” she said, taking my hands gingerly in her gentle hands. The skin was black now. Cracked and oozing. “All will be well. I am going to make this right.” Her tears didn’t make my hands feel any better. “Here,” she said, bringing a basin out from beneath her chair. It was filled with something yellow and shiny. It looked wet.

“What is it?” I asked. It still burned.

“It will make your hands feel better,” she said, offering me the basin. Carefully, I put my hands into the liquid. She was right; it felt a lot better.

“Thank you, Momma,” I said, feeling tears slip down my face. “I’m sorry I didn’t have any magic. I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” she said, tears wet her cheeks. I could tell she was really sorry she hurt me. She tipped the candle over into the basin and the liquid caught on fire. I jumped back, screaming, my hands ablaze. I tried to run away from it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything.

I was burning.

I wanted it to stop, but I all I could do was scream. I was going to die. But I didn’t want to.

I didn’t want to die. And I didn’t want to burn any more, not one more second. I gritted my teeth and something popped in my brain. Something shot out from my chest, running down my body, cooling, tickling.

Was this magic? Was this what Momma had promised?

The fire didn’t hurt any more. I still felt it, like it was a part of me. I felt it float upward away from my skin. It twisted and shone and glowed, lighting the room. It was as beautiful as my Momma. I watched it dancing.

The door behind Momma burst open and she stood up. Lexia held Father’s hand, pulling him along. They both looked at me. Lexia’s face was wet with tears and her silver hair tangled around her. Father’s mouth fell open. I put my hands behind my back, trying to hide the flames, and they went out.

“What have you done?” Father asked, running forward to scoop me into his arms. “What did you do?”

“And now there are four,” Momma said.

“You see it, Phoenix,” Lexia said. It was not a question. I drew a sharp breath, shivering back into myself. Lexia still sat next to me.

“I miss you,” I said quietly. I closed my eyes. Maybe she would be gone when I opened them this time.

Flames danced behind my eyelids. Wild, hot flames. My breath came quick, my heart pounded. I remembered Lexia screaming.

I hate fire, I thought. My eyes popped open. Lexia was gone. I wiped sweaty palms on my jeans.

The car horn honked and I stood up quickly.

“I’m really sorry,” I told Mom as I slid into the passenger seat.

She looked at me. Her eyes were red-rimmed. It hurt to know I’d caused her more pain.

“Phoenix…” she said.

“Mom, I’m really sorry,” I said. “I’m really, really sorry. The doctor—“ I stopped. I didn’t want to tell her.

“Phoenix, I’m going away for a while,” Mom said. Her hand gripped the steering wheel. Her knuckles were white.

“Oh,” I said, surprised. After our phone conversation, her announcement seemed abrupt. Panic surged through me. Where was she going? Why?

“Jack’s wife is about to have her baby and, well, her mother can’t be there and I--”

“Jack?” I asked. The name meant nothing to me.

“Jack, your brother,” she said, glancing at me from the corner of her eye.

“My brother?” I asked. The relationship appeared in my mind as though it had just been planted. One moment, I had no idea who he was. The next instant, I recalled a lifetime of memories. He used to pound my arms until they were black and hold my nose to his armpit. He used to make Lexia laugh until she screamed.

The river rolled along beneath us as we crossed the bridge.

“Yes, Jack your brother,” Mom half shouted, exasperated. She tapped her open palm on the steering wheel. “Come on Phoenix, you know who I’m talking about.”

“Really?” I asked. I meant it both ways: was she really leaving me right now? Was Jack really my brother? How could I not know my own brother, and know him at the same time?

My meds are screwed up, I thought.

“Well, yes,” Mom said, visibly trying to calm herself. “She’s going to have the baby any day and Jack has a big project in New York, and he can’t be with her, so I said I would go over and stay with her in Seattle for the next few weeks. I could tell them I can’t—“

“It’s fine,” I said.

“I’d take you with me,” she said, not looking at me, “but you’re in school and you’ve got basketball. And someone needs to stay and look after King and…and…” She couldn’t say the name of Lexia’s horse.

“Princess,” I said quietly. “It’s fine mom. No big deal, right? I can take care of them.”

“And you’ll be fine, right?” she said.

“Of course,” I said.

“You can call Melanie if you need anything. I’ll leave money, and ….,” she trailed off.

“It’s really fine, mom,” I lied. I laid my head against the seat and closed my eyes.