Perpetual

‘From dust you came, to dust you shall return.’ The preacher says

‘Ashes to ashes.’ He says again

The past two days have been surreal. I feel like I am in a bad episode of a movie with bad directors and unfortunately I am the main character and I have to act the role. We traveled to the heart of Kaoma in the western part of Zambia, Pearl’s home town. We were received by a huge crowd that had gathered to mourn Pearl, we always talked about so many things but she never mentioned how huge her family was and how I keep wondering why these people weren’t active in her life. But I choose to brush it off because I too came from somewhere with a lot of people but I am not close to them.

James nudges my hand bringing me out of my reverie. The Preacher is in front of me with the shovel and is waiting for me to get a little soil that I will throw on to the casket that has already been lowered in the earth. With a heavy heart I get some of the soil and throw it on the casket. The shovel is passed around different people who perform the same ritual and when done the men get more shovels and start covering the casket with soil. Women start wailing on top of their voices at this moment, I swallow really hard feeling all these emotions that I don’t know how to deal with. I have reached a point where I am blaming myself for how things turned out because how didn’t I insist that we run more tests after the accident? Why did I take her recurring headaches as a sign that something was still not right? Why did I have to leave the hospital that night? I could have stayed back and maybe just maybe I would have been there when she breathed her last.

..

‘I am really sorry for your loss man.’ James says for what seems like the hundredth time

We got back from Kaoma three days ago and I haven’t left the house since. My phone has been off and the only trips I have been making have been to the kitchen and bathroom to relieve myself. I haven’t taken a bath or shaved in these three days and it feels like my body is just giving up on me.

‘Why does it sound like there is a but coming?’ I ask him as he draws the curtains back.

‘You need to do something out of this house, if you are not careful you will get sick.’ He says starting to pick dirty plates from the table.

‘Don’t you have a place where you need to be? You know there is no need for you to be here right?’ I ask him angrily. I wasn’t about to open the door for him but somehow he has the spare key, the key that is supposed to be Pearl’s. Her Aunty must have given him the things she had with her at the hospital.

‘Leo I care about you.’

‘Then leave me the hell alone. I am not ready to face the world. I need you and everyone else to stay away from me.’

‘Unfortunately I am not going anywhere, I will only leave the house when I feel like and at this point I don’t feel like.’

He breathed out deeply and puts his hands in his pockets facing me.

‘Leo this house will make you go mad, you lived in here with Pearl. You need to do something away from this place that continually reminds you of her. You have a company waiting for you, a company that you need to run.’

I don’t respond.

‘I am not sure what agreement you got into with Sasha, I am not sure what the two of you did but it looks like you still own the company. And the board is not happy but they need to be addressed by their CEO.’

This makes me look at him. I didn’t think Sasha was still going to go ahead with our agreement not after everything that has happened.

‘They know that you are mourning but then can only hold on for so long.’

‘They should consider themselves lucky that they don’t understand why I need to be in grieving still. They should consider themselves fortunate.’ I say standing up and going to the shower.

…

Kwenje’s Girl

Winnie

🙇🏾‍♀️