Palindrome

I rubbed my eyes; I was seeing double after all the squinting at small letters. I tossed the last book in the pile, another dead end. The only promising lead I`d found was an image of something which resembled the Beast. I had to think of it like that, not as William. It was obviously meant to be a demon, or maybe the Devil. He had the same wings and although the image was a drawing in black and white, the eyes were glowing as the Beast looked down at the woman sitting in front of him. The artist may have meant for the woman to seem begging for her life, I felt she was begging the Beast to take her with him. I walked over to the desk and looked at the picture. It was from a pamphlet, “Renderings of the Devil-as told by survivors.” It didn’t have a publishing-year, but it was old. It contained 12 drawings of beasts, devils, demons. All had similarities, it was just something about that one image that drew me in. There wasn’t any writing, just the drawings.

Before I went to bed that night, I held a small piece of Lapis Lazuli in my hand and emptied my head for every thought. I concentrated on the stone in my hand, the way my body heat warmed it up, to the point it almost burned in my palm. My breathing slowed down; my heart pulsated together with the stone. Lapis Lazuli is known for warding off negative vibrations, and could make you dream about other lives, other soulmates. It also gave wisdom and knowledge about other worlds and enhanced your psychic abilities. I needed it tonight, it felt like I already knew about William, I just couldn’t remember him.

My inner wisdom shines like the sun

All my visions have begun,

I see now what I did not before,

With every day, I notice more

I recited the spell three times and ended it with

So mote it be

( Wiccapedia, by Shawn Robbins and Leanna Greenaway)

I put the stone under my pillow and waited for sleep to find me.

I woke in the middle of the night, in the exact same position I`d fallen asleep in. I was so thirsty, it felt like I hadn`t had a drop of water for days. Not bothering to dress, I stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen. The water tasted like the most expensive wine; I was parched. My tired mind was a fuzz, but I widened my eyes as I noticed a light outside. It didn’t seem like a flashlight, more like a living flame. It floated above the ground, as a lamp being carried. It was too dark to see anything else, I looked at the time, it was nearing 3 o`clock. Without taking a conscious decision, my feet walked into the hallway, and I could only watch as my hand reached out and opened the door to the backyard.

I noticed the cold, but it didn’t bother me. The light stopped for a second but continued when I approached it. The dark and the grey mist made it feel like I floated through the air, the grass was wet, but soft under my bare feet, and I hesitated when I saw the light disappear into the forest. I looked back at the house, inviting with the soft glow from the windows. But the light was calling for me. Goddess, protect me, keep me safe. I muttered the words as I stepped off the lawn and into the dark woods.

I stopped after a few steps, my feet were suddenly protected by boots, made from soft skin. The pants were also hide, worn to perfection. I had a fur over my upper body, warming me. The lamp was in my hand, and in the other I had a bow. I felt the sack to keep the arrows in, dangling by my side. At this point, I`d given up possession of my body; I let it work on its own. We, as in me and my body, wandered further into the woods, my back hunched, like I was hiding or creeping up on someone.

There! A noise, a rustling in the bushes. It might just be a bird, or a mouse, but my instincts told me otherwise. I walked behind a tree, straightened and got an arrow out, ready. Then I waited. And waited. My fingers on the string, eyes on the area in front of me. My body froze, something was coming. I raised the bow and aimed for the direction the sound was coming from. A small deer leaped out, but that wasn’t what I was waiting for. Something bigger was tailing it, something much bigger. The deer whined in horror as the Beast got a hold of it, I pulled back the string and let one arrow loose. It just bounced of the beast`s chest, but it stopped and looked around, intelligence evident in its eyes. It`s purple eyes. Fixed on me, it dropped the deer which ran away, not believing it`s luck probably. I put another arrow on the bow and aimed. My hands were completely still, the only shiver I felt was on the inside, as the beast took two steps towards me.

Are you the town`s offering? What a treat…

Its dark voice echoed in my head. I knew this voice, but this body didn’t recognise it. I shook my head, and raised the bow an inch, aiming for the head since it was clearly no use in hitting the chest.

“I`m the towns protector. I`m here to kill you.” In my head I heard laughter.

Oh, sweet child. What an image you are, I would devour you whole, if I had the time. But I have to go, we`ll meet again, I`m sure.

His eyes glowed, and my body reacted in a way that almost made me sick. This Beast had killed three from the village, and a lot of the livestock. The abomination needed to die. It walked closer; the wings almost brushing the ground. My arms weakened and my bow dropped down, and I could only wait for him to kill me. What had I thought, going out in the woods alone, thinking I could kill the Beast alone? What would papa do when they found my body? If they found my body. The Beast was smaller than I`d thought, but still he towered above me. He was only inches away from me, the wings caging us both in.

What are you? Are you...a witch?

The creature sniffed in the air above me, how did he know? Our family had lived in town for fifty years, no one had noticed anything. I didn’t answer, my mind confused by the feelings inside me.

So exquisite. Do take care, warn your children.

A big hand with claws embraced my chin, almost lovingly.

I hope you survive.

The Beast flapped its wings and I fell to my knees as he rose to the sky, the only thing visible was the eyes.

I rocked my body to keep the cold away, it took several minutes before I realised I once again had control over my own body. The Lapis Lazuli had certainly done its job, this dream was like nothing I`ve ever had before. This vision, or throwback, whom of my ancestors had I channelled? Was it William back then as well, or one like him? It had to be William; did he remember the encounter so many years ago? Was he bound to our line in any way? I stood on stiff legs, the cold washing over me now I was out of the trance. The walk to the warm house seemed to take forever, and I stumbled several times. At last, I reached the door, I didn’t make it to the bedroom, I fell on the couch and feebly dragged a blanket over me before I lost consciousness.

Soft knocking woke me up, I groaned into the blanket, my house had become the centre for knocking, it seemed. I tried to ignore it and put one arm over my eyes to shield for the sun.

“Hannah?”

Oscar? What was he doing here?

“Hannah, are you ok?”

Why was everybody asking me that lately? I started towards the door, then realised I didn’t have clothes on. “I`ll be right there, just give me a minute.” I raised my voice to be heard through the door and ran upstairs to drag on some clothes. My mind was fuzzy, and my body slow in movement, thanks to yesterday. Out of breath, I opened the door to a worried Oscar. I gave him a small smile, a bit curious of his visit. “Are you sick, you were supposed to be at work an hour ago?” He looked me up and down, making me self-aware, I probably didn’t look that good. His words finally registered. “What?” I looked around to find a clock. “What time is it?” Oscar took a step closer, shrugging apologetic like it was his fault I was late. “Nearly five.” I dragged a hand over my face, shocked. “You didn’t answer your phone, so Paul made me go here to check up on you. With your fall the other day and everything.” I turned and walked into the kitchen, picking up my phone. My dead phone. I tried to rid myself of the drowsiness. “I`m so sorry, I was asleep, don`t know why I slept so long.” Oscar had his hands behind his back and looked around him with curiosity in his eyes, it was his first visit inside my house. “Nice place you got here, Hannah.” He smiled quickly, “Don`t worry about it, Paul have already covered your shift, I… We just wanted to check up on you. You`ve never been away from work, you`re allowed to take a sick day.” My body deflated and I sat abruptly down in the nearest chair. “I do feel a bit off.” That was the only way I could describe it to Oscar, who glided over to me and put a warm hand on my chin. It felt so wrong, and he must have noticed my expression, because he frowned and pulled the hand away, with a sad look in his eyes. “It`s alright, Hannah, I understand.” I closed my eyes, feeling bad about hurting him. Oscar took a deep breath and smiled, although it was a small one. “See you tomorrow then?” I smiled back, happy that he seemed to still want to be friends. “Of course, I`ll be sure to put on an alarm this time.”

I followed him to my door and waved goodbye as he cycled away. I took my arm down, that’s when I noticed a person standing near the beginning of my driveway. My throat thickened, was it William? But no, the person was smaller, slimmer. And female. The hair dark, so it wasn’t Belinda. The hair stood on my body, and then she was gone, just like that. I closed the door and locked it behind me, before I took a round in the house and refreshed the protection-spells, you could never be too careful. I didn’t know who the woman was, but I would bet my cauldron she wasn’t up to anything good.

I used the evening to read, and to avoid thinking about William, but far too many times I had to stop myself from picking up my phone to send him a text. I didn’t know what to make of the last things he said to me, or the dream I had last night. I had searched through most of our books, I hadn`t found anything about this abomination, which supposedly killed witches. Wouldn’t there be warnings? More than people “whispering” about it, as Samuel had said. My mind steered away from the most obvious reason, that there were no survivors, so witches didn’t know about this threat. I fell asleep on the couch again, avoiding the bed with the Lapis Lazuli.

I apologized profoundly to Paul, embarrassed about missing work yesterday. He patted my shoulder. “Listen, kid, don`t fret about it. I`m sure you needed the rest; you have to listen to your body. I talked to that doctor, the pretty one. She said you had a nasty wound; she was shocked you were back to work the day after.” I froze, Doctor Devon had been in? I tried to act nonchalant, “Oh yeah? Well, I am feeling much better now, I promise it won`t happen again.” Paul rolled his eyes at me and walked into his office as I tied on my apron. I rushed out in the cafeteria and waved back at Mary behind the kitchen-window, grabbing the coffee-pot to make my rounds for refills. Evans gave me a short glance, before he thanked me and went back to reading the paper, Peters shoved his cup away and proclaimed he had to leave, he gave me a quick pat on my shoulders and tossed a bill on the table. I saw he made sure to wave to Mary before he waggled out the door. I looked back at Mary, curious of this new development as I held out the coffee-pot to the next table, the cup being lifted to say yes to a refill. I turned and focused, afraid to spill hot coffee on someone. The black coffee made waves as my hand started shaking badly, a set of pale blue eyes locked into mine, drowning out anything else. All my attention was on this glorious face, and what I could see in his eyes. My fingers itched to glide through his deliberately unruly hair, I wanted to feel his hot breath against my skin. I`d never understood the phrase “drowning in someone`s eyes” before now, my vision getting blurry by the lack of oxygen.

Breath, Hannah.

My sharp intake of breath came at the same time someone gave an irritated “hrmph” sound. My cheeks burned; how could I loose contact with the world around so fast?

“So sorry, coffee?” My voice shook, but I continued as if the episode never happened. Belinda giggled, but it was an evil tone to it. I didn’t dare look at William, I just poured the coffee when they held out their cups all three. I met Benjamin`s stare for a brief second, he seemed on the verge of breaking out in laughter. “Hello, Hannah. How`s it been? Having trouble sitting down?” I shook my head confused, Benjamin`s smile grew wider and when he winked, I grasped the innuendo. William smacked him on his arm, and Belinda laughed happily, to my surprise. She stopped quickly, annoyed with herself for showing such a human side, I bet. I smiled a saccharine-sweet smile and leaned a fraction closer. “How`s the arm, Benny-boy?” That wiped the smirk off his face, and I heard William snicker at his side. I risked a quick glance his way, humour bouncing in his bright eyes. I saw his fingers curl around the cup, showing off the tattoos which I still didn’t know what was. He licked his lips quickly after taking a sip, and I had to stop the small moan threatening to slip out, what was happening to me?

Someone said my name and I hurried along, shocked by the sheer force of my feelings for William. It took me some minutes before I could chat normally, and I noticed I got a few worried looks. On my way back, Evans motioned to me to come over to his table. I had to lean down to hear him since his voice was kept low.

“They troubling you”? His head nodded slightly in the Adamson`s direction. I smiled reassuringly, “No, not at all, but thanks for asking.” Evans nodded, but sent a hard stare their way, to tell them he had them under surveillance. He raised his brows, not knowing what to make of their expressions as they all stared at him. They had him in their sight, like hunters. I shook my head slightly at William and he smiled at Evans, before he turned back to his brother and sister after a quick glance my way.

I had no idea how this was supposed to go down, just two days ago William had been in my backyard, in all his beastly glory, before taking my virginity on the altar. It had felt like a ritual, something sacred, almost as if we were divinities. Or touched by divinity at least. And later… In the bathroom. It had been just us, and it had been glorious. I still regretted that I slept through the night, I would have liked to know how it felt to lay beside him. Then he had exclaimed we had to keep apart and now I was supposed to treat him like any other? I took a deep breath, so deep it was almost painful. Fuck it.