Pa'an

Executive Directive 2012-405-9 Classification: Top Secret

The Executive office has determined that a gravity wave from an unspecified source was the direct cause of yesterday’s Richter 2.1 temblor. All agencies are directed to release no information on this event and not to address the issue with media other than to acknowledge the event and admit that authorities are looking into it.

Specifically, we must discourage circulating rumors about either extraterrestrial contacts or secret weapons possessed by Islamic terrorist governments.

This directive expires under Federal Open Access To Information Act (FOATIA-2009) in five years.