Only If You’re Lucky

A scream echoes across the backyard, startling Sloane and me out of our standoff.

“What was that?” I ask, eyes darting, though Sloane doesn’t look concerned. Instead, she looks annoyed.

“Come on,” she says, taking off toward the Kappa Nu house, cutting her way through a sea of weeds and apparently forgetting about our conversation entirely. “Let’s meet the boys.”

We walk the length of the yard and approach the house from the back. The door is cracked open and we step through it, entering a massive living room, though I hesitate to call it that because I can’t imagine people actually living here. I’ve wondered about the inside of this place so many times—and not just this place, in particular, but all these places. The houses students flock to in packs, themed parties and coordinating outfits. Greek letters hanging haphazard against the siding and music beating against the walls like the house itself is a living, breathing thing. I don’t know what I was imagining before—something grandiose, maybe; something to at least justify the exorbitant membership fees—but instead, the space is giant, square, and almost entirely unfurnished with the exception of one ripped-up leather couch, a few lopsided composite pictures, and a folding table in the center of it all. There are about a dozen boys huddled around it, red Solo cups knocked over and dripping foam onto the carpet, and I can feel the crunch of it beneath my shoes, a crust of fossilized fluids built up over the years. Even the air feels sticky, a concoction of sweat and smoke gripping my skin like cling wrap.

“SLOANE!”

A shorter boy in the middle with sleepy eyes and an exaggerated grin throws his arms up in way of greeting. He’s brunette and overly muscular, not bad looking but clearly overcompensating, and I look over to Sloane next, trying to study the way she acts around them: passive and uninterested. Like she couldn’t care less.

“Boys, this is Margot,” she says, ignoring him completely. “She’s taking the room next to Lucy’s.”

I stand still as their collective gaze turns in my direction and I can feel it slipping all over me: my face, my neck. My chest, where their eyes linger too long, then down the length of the skintight camisole I changed into while unpacking. I can practically see the cogs turning behind their bloodred eyes, trying to imagine how everything looks underneath.

“Hi,” I say, feeling my cheeks turn hot. The scream, I realize now, was coming from them—or, at least, one of them. A few of the boys are holding Ping-Pong balls between their fingers; that, and the dripping beer, tells me they were in the middle of some type of game.

“Looks like you’ve made yourself at home.”

I catch sight of Trevor in the back; he’s eyeing my spaghetti straps, smiling, and I can feel myself burn even hotter, my mind flashing back to the image of him shirtless in the living room without my permission.

“You’re a sophomore?” he asks, and I nod quietly. “I’ve never seen you around. You ever come to the house?”

“I’m sure she had better places to be,” Sloane says on my behalf.

Trevor grins and I feel suddenly indebted to her for making me sound more interesting than I actually am.

“You two wanna play?” he asks, holding up the Ping-Pong ball and twisting it in the air. Sloane looks at me, eyebrows raised, and this feels like another test. An on-the-spot assessment to see what kind of person I am: the kind to crack open a morning beer in a house full of strangers or the kind to politely decline and retreat back to my bedroom.

“You seem … I don’t know. Too nice.”

“Sure,” I say, forcing myself to head toward the table. Trying to exert the same indifference as Sloane, the same cool demeanor, but instead, I feel like I’m walking on stilts: awkward and rigid. My entire body put on display.

The game resumes with Sloane and me on one side of the table and Trevor and the other one, who is apparently named Lucas, on the other. I try to focus, try to block everything else out, but the sudden sting of irony is too sharp not to notice: this is the exact type of situation Eliza and I used to wrestle with. She was so much more outgoing than I was. Whenever we found ourselves approached by other people, invited to some house party or bonfire on the beach, she would say yes, always, flinging herself into any situation with the kind of calm confidence I could never grasp. The concept of not knowing anyone never dissuaded her; instead, she embraced it, reveling in the idea of sauntering into a circle of strangers, their eyes on her making her walk even taller. Talk even louder. I, on the other hand, had a hard time understanding what was supposed to be fun about the things she so desperately wanted to do: standing around, self-conscious, drinking warm beer somebody’s brother had been hiding in the bed of their truck. The pimple-pocked boys with their greasy hair and gangly arms, sour breath on our necks as they leaned in close. I hated having to act like I knew what I was doing in those situations. That I was somehow born with the knowledge of how to shotgun a beer, pack a bowl, tamp a pack of cigarettes like everyone else seemed to be. I still remember the first time I ever tried one: lighting the wrong end, burning my thumb on the flame and proceeding to suck the tobacco particles straight onto my tongue. The embarrassment as I sputtered and gagged, tried to smile through the smoke in my lungs and the tears in my eyes.

The blister that later formed on my thumb, round and clear, a little bubble I proceeded to pop with my fingernail. The sting of it like a punishment I didn’t want to forget.

“So, tell us about your friend.”

Lucas arcs his arm with inflated finesse and I watch as the ball slaps straight into the center cup. He grins, all his attention directed at Sloane.

“Why don’t you ask her?” she says, picking up the cup and downing it in a single gulp. “She’s right here.”

“Touché,” he says, looking at me next.

“I’m from the Outer Banks,” I say, not knowing how else to fill the sudden silence. I twist the ball in my hands, trying to remember the rules from the handful of times I played at a house party with Eliza. I’m suddenly grateful for those nights now, saving me from having to ask, and I do my best to mirror Lucas’s stance, extending my arm long and high—but when I release it, it soars straight over their heads and onto the floor.

“We have a pledge coming in from the Outer Banks,” Trevor says, jogging across the room to grab the ball. “He’s here this weekend, actually. Went on a beer run with some brothers. He’s a legacy, so, you know. Special treatment and all that. At least for now.”

He looks at Lucas and smirks and I listen to him chatter on about recruitment, relieved to have the conversation steered so quickly away from me. Greek life isn’t everything at Rutledge, but there’s a decent amount of it given the size. It’s still early in the summer, meaning most incoming freshmen won’t start rush until fall, but apparently Kappa Nu has lined up a few summer events to get early commitments. The strategy, essentially, is to take them out and give them the time of their lives: bottomless booze, all-night parties, older girls. Show them the college nirvana that could be theirs if only they pledged their life and loyalty to Kappa Nu—and then, once school starts, the hazing begins.

“Speaking of which, there’s a party tonight,” Trevor continues, tossing the ball again. It lands in my cup this time and I pick up the beer and down it quickly, the warm, flat liquid like malty urine. I peel a strand of hair from my tongue and I can sense Sloane staring at me, her eyes on the side of my face. “Y’all coming?”

“We’ll be there,” I say, not waiting for Sloane to speak first.

The game stretches on for another thirty minutes: the toss of the ball, the slap of the beer. Foam spraying across the table, my forearm, my shirt. Trevor and Lucas are all too willing to talk about themselves, which means Sloane and I are mostly just drinking, her chiming in with the occasional laugh or disparaging quip. Standing next to her is an immersive study in effortless cool—and judging by the way Lucas looks at her, whatever she’s doing, it works.

We’re getting ready to start a new game when the front door bangs open and another group of guys gush in. They’re all talking over one another, laughing, each one carrying a cardboard case of beer in one hand and a handle of liquor in the other.

“Come over here and meet the girls!” Trevor yells, waving them closer. “If you commit to Kappa Nu, they’ll be your new neighbors.”

The way he says it makes me flinch, like we’re two slabs of meat being dangled in front of a pack of animals. Sloane makes an effort to catch my eye, rolling hers.

“This is the shit we deal with for cheap rent,” she whispers, and I let out a laugh.

I look down at the table and decide to busy myself with racking the cups; I want to act disinterested, bored, the way Sloane does, too, even though I can see the group of them moving closer in my peripheral vision. The nearness of them makes my neck grow hot. I grab a few cups and accidentally tip another one over in the process, the remnants of backwash beer trickling down my hand. The room is spinning gently, I realize, the last hour going by in a daze. I don’t know how much I’ve had to drink—a few beers, at least—and I concentrate again on the table, trying to keep my legs from tilting.

“This is Sloane,” I hear Trevor say, my eyes still glued to the table. I register a few mutters, Sloane dispensing all the right lines, until finally, I feel their collective attention turn toward me. “And this is the new girl from OBX. Where’s Levi?”

The shock of the name makes my head snap up; surely, I’ve imagined it. It can’t be. He can’t be the incoming freshman from my hometown; the one visiting for the weekend that Trevor wanted me to meet. I blink a few times, trying to reorient myself as I look at the boys, their smug expressions and too-short shorts, when my attention lands on a familiar face in the back.

“Levi,” I echo, my voice tight. It’s him, of course it is, and the reality of him, here, standing in this very room crashes over me like an unexpected wave, practically knocking me back. I can feel the past suddenly pulling me under, taking me down, a rip current in water that I’m powerless to fight. Because if there’s a single person who brings back memories of Eliza, a body from before that could have stopped what happened, saved her from it all, it’s Levi.

Levi Butler.