Once Upon a Tee Time

Nearly a year later, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, The Foursome walked into the Nineteenth Hole after a six-month absence. Knickers Collins nodded to Nick, the bartender, who delivered a round of cold Sams to their table.

“What time’s the weddin’ on Sunday?” Knickers asked his friends. “I hope we can play eighteen beforehand. I’ve been wantin’ to play Hapuna Beach for the last year.”

Jingles smiled at the memory, as he always did. “Oliver said that post time is flexible. They’re aiming for one o’clock, but they’ll wait for us to finish. It’d be fun to keep a banker waiting.”

Mulligan picked up his bottle. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m already missing the Caribbean, the feel ...” Music from his cell phone, now a Haitian compa, interrupted him. “Yes, Martha, what can I do for you?” He drifted away from the table to talk.

“She’s amazing, that Martha,” Harvey said to the others. “Karl sets her up for life, and what does she do? Moves to Haiti to work for us. She already speaks the language like a native.”

“She’s a great office manager,” Jingles said, feeling a tap on his shoulder.

“Here we go,” Knickers chuckled. “The fans are arriving.”

Three Leisureville residents stood in line behind Jingles, all seeking his autograph on copies of his book. More were coming through the door. Drawing a Sharpie from his shirt pocket, Jingles wrote greetings along with his signature. He also handed out complimentary bookmarks – Mickey Collins baseball cards.

Knickers asked Harvey, “How many of those damn books have they sold?”

“Millions,” Mulligan answered, returning to the table.

“Eighteen and a half million,” Harvey added, looking to Mulligan. “What did Miss Porter want?”

“She was updating numbers on the website, just passing them along. Twenty-something fields completed, sixty-something underway, and the two stadiums in engineering and design. I remember the most important number: seventy-two thousand kids signed up.”

Harvey nodded. “We’re going to need five hundred fields at this rate.”

“Not a problem,” Knickers laughed. “We have the money. Can you believe that somebody would pay almost a billion for lenses that might never be approved?”

“That’s only because Karl honored your request to sell to an American company,” Harvey replied. “It’ll take some time, that’s all.”

Knickers shrugged. “I hope they never get the okay. Some things should be left the way they are.”

Mulligan took a gulp from his bottle. “How are things going at Prescott Hills?”

“Excellent,” Harvey responded. “Gillian suggested that they add a hundred thousand to the asking price and the place sold out anyway.”

“Except for one lot, Mulligan.” Knickers said. “We’re hoping you’ll change your mind and join the rest of us.”

The former head of the Leisureville Homeowner Association shook his head. “I told you, Mary and I are buying a permanent residence in Haiti. It’s my island.

“How’s that sweet little Gillian doing? Last I heard, she was still disappointed about being a bridesmaid instead of Oliver’s bride.”

Knickers shook his head. “The world makes no sense to me. How did an oaf like Pruh ever capture the attention of two young women like that?”

Jingles rejoined the group. “Oliver always had a thing for Jane. She came around just in time. Don’t feel bad for Gillian. She’s dating a billionaire.”

Harvey sat at attention. “Check her out!”

A stunning brunette in a chic business suit strolled into the crowded Nineteenth Hole, sporting major cleavage and a briefcase. The tavern went quiet as every gray-haired head swiveled.

Mulligan whispered, “What’s a plum like that doing in the prune section?”

The young lady glanced around, spotted Jingles, and made a beeline for him. “I’m so happy to find you,” she beamed. “I know it’s holiday time and all, but I need just a minute.”

The celebrity winked at his friends. Fame came with benefits.

“It’s a business proposition,” she continued, then pointed to the only empty table. “Could we sit over there?”

Jingles normally referred such requests to Gillian, but the beauty was cause for exception. He knew the others would be jealous, so he followed her to the table.

“I’m Samantha Furlgood, Kennecott Pharmaceuticals,” she said, pulling a chair out for him. “You’re the perfect pitchman for our new high energy supplement.”

Jingles shook his head in amazement; this was the third new endorsement offer in the last month. “Can I order you something to drink?”

“It’s a little early for me,” she smiled, sitting down next to him. “Anyway, I flew in from Dallas to entice you. Our new product is called Uplift, though some are calling it the Fountain of Youth. It makes older men spring to life again.”

“Some kind of vitamins?”

“Sort of. It’s like Viagra times ten.”

Jingles shriveled in his seat. The bar was quiet enough to hear a mouse fart; everyone was eavesdropping. He put a finger to his lips. “Please, just whisper.” Why hadn’t he referred the lady to Gillian?

“People have been whispering about erectile dysfunction for too long,” she blared. “Seventy percent of the men in this room could probably benefit from Uplift. The market is huge.”

Jingles cringed. Did she think he was hard of hearing? His ears worked perfectly well.

Ms. Furlgood moved her chair closer, until their legs touched beneath the table. Still, she refused to turn down the volume. “Every man wants to play like you, Jingles. There could be millions in this for you. You’ll star in an infomercial!”

On a scale of one to ten, Jingles’ embarrassment level hit twelve. He would never talk about sex on TV, not for any amount of money.

Everyone in the tavern was watching, straining to listen. The bartender wiped down an adjacent table - for the third time.

Samantha addressed the gawking crowd directly. “Am I not correct? Aren’t you all interested in improving your sexual performance?”

Some men nodded. Most stared in surprise or shock. Harold Perkins raised his hand like a schoolboy. “I sure am!”

Ms. Furlgood took a small object from her briefcase and displayed it to Jingles on the palm of her hand. “Naturally, we don’t expect you to endorse our product without trying it yourself. Look how the pills are shaped! Just like an erect …”

Jingles extended a hand to cover her mouth, to keep her from yelling it out. He could see what it looked like.

“I have free samples for everyone,” she announced.

The old patrons rushed forward like guppies attacking a flake of food.

Jingles wondered what his friends must be thinking. He turned around and saw Harvey slapping his table, bent over in laughter. Mulligan was snapping photos. Knickers leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his chest, grinning at yet another success.

Other fiction by author Lee Stone, featured exclusively at Amazon:

Free Fish Friday, an acclaimed mystery featuring eccentric fisherman Slacker Mills, who finds ultimate joy and sorrow in Key West, Florida.

Barracuda, the intriguing Slacker Mills sequel.

The Student Council, the coming-of-age adventure of the diabolically clever Amy Westin. With her family facing disaster and a public education system in shambles, she had solutions for everything – and the savvy to carry them out. Is she a budding Godfather, Gone Girl, or good Samaritan? Or is she simply the most intriguing young heroine ever?