Numbers

I woke up. My shoulders ached from supporting me, my side ached from ribs that were surly broken, and my breathing came in rasps. I didn’t want to open my eyes; I didn’t want to face another day of the pain and the memories. I couldn’t face the faces again. But I did open my eyes; I opened my eyes just as the door in the metal room was opening. It wasn’t Julianne, it was the man and he was already cracking his knuckles as the door finished its grand opening.

He stepped forward with a slight smile on his face. A knowing smile, a smile that could give you nightmares. As he planted himself before my chair I flinched without him making a single motion. He didn’t have to…I knew what would happen the minute he lifted his fist. But he stopped, he didn’t lift his fists. He just looked. I felt violated under that look, I felt as if he could look right through me. I felt like a piece of meat for him to play with instead of the human, instead of the individual that I was.

Slowly, so slowly I wasn’t sure he was even moving, he began to circle my chair. One step at a time, he circled me looking me up and down. Once he was out of my sight the rope around my middle came undone and then my wrists were set free. “Get up,” he snapped again angling the chair so I fell to the floor.

The familiar ache came to my shoulders as I tried to catch myself before I landed on the cold unforgiving floor. I wasn’t on the ground but for moments before I forced myself to stand, using the wall for balance. I turned and watched the man as he threw the chair out of his way as he made his way to me. I panicked. It was going to happen again, he was going to come at me and I wasn’t going to have any way for fighting him off. I was too weak to fight him off. I felt my muscles tense as he grabbed me and planted a hard kiss on my lips. The sickening feeling rushed about me again.

I felt the anger he had for me, I felt the rage in his hands as he frantically explored my body, and I felt his excitement as he brushed against my leg. He forced his tongue through my teeth and pinned me against the wall. His hands pulled my shirt up but the hand still explored. Up and up it went, it touched my skin and made me shiver with revulsion. He cupped my breast and groaned into my mouth. I could not move, I tried to fight but that only excited him more. His hand became more frantic, more violent. He threw me to the floor and grinned down at me.

He seemed to grow in the expanse of seconds. He was no longer a man but a shadowed being that laughed as he smashed my hand with his booted foot. I screamed in pain but his foot didn’t move. He held me there with his shoe as he quickly undid his belt. I watched in horror as he came back to me. I tried to fight his hands with my one good one as he ripped off my pants. I cried, I begged, I pleaded for him to stop. He only grinned and forced his tongue back into my mouth.

I pushed but he was stronger. I kicked but he always deflected. I bit his tongue but he merely laughed and shoved it back down my throat. And then he was on my bare leg. He came slightly closer and closer as the seconds drew on. I fought with all of my might but it didn’t stop him from coming. He didn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop. I felt like screaming, like crying, I felt like dying. He finally drew himself out of my mouth in preparation and I let out an overpowering scream.

And gentle hands held me as I sat bolt upright in a room. It wasn’t the metal room but a room with old wall paper and chipped doors. I shook from head to toe, I felt as though my eyes were as wide as they could go. I shivered from the cold but I was covered in sweat. I felt the sting of tears and as silently fell down my face. I panted and I looked around.

It was dark. It had to be night. I didn’t remember much of the day but I think I had spent most of it in Paul’s arms. I took a deep breath, but that was when I heard the running feet. Feet pounded about the house and they only seemed to be getting closer. “It’s alright,” Paul’s voice murmured as those now familiar arms wrapped around me, “they’re coming to see if you’re okay. You’re safe now, Olivia, you’ll always be safe.”

I wished I believed him but just as I was trying to control my breathing Luke burst into the room holding something that looked like a glade candle, “what just happened! I was just trying to get some beauty sleep when all of a sudden I wake up feeling like I was in a horror film!”

Then Rose came sprinting through the open door, “Is everyone okay?”

Behind Rose I could just make out Cynthia, Gab, and the officer from the light in Rose’s candle. Paul drew back a little to allow himself to sit up. I assumed he had been sleeping next to me when I woke him up…but had I really been screaming?

“I-I’m sorry,” I croaked, wiping tears away with the back of my hand, “I didn’t mean to startle anyone,” I attempted a smile but I could tell it didn’t reassure anyone in that room.

Luke set his candle down and sat on the bed, “Honey,” he started taking my hands in his, “You know that I love you, in fact if I swung that way I would be all over you, but if you have something you need to tell us you should say it now.”

I chuckled, “I’m fine Luke…I’m sorry.”

He didn’t let go of my hands just looked me in the eyes and raise one of his pristine eye brows. I would have to ask him how he got it so straight. The thought made me chuckle but I still couldn’t answer him. Rose stepped forward to grab Luke candle, “Come on Luke,” she said heading back towards the door, “She’ll tell us when she’s ready. She’s going to need her rest,” Rose gave me a knowing glance.

I felt myself flush as she glided out of the room. Luke gave my hands a tight squeeze before he followed her out. Cynthia, Gab, and Officer Smith gave me once last glance before walking back down the hall way. Paul’s arms came around me, they comforted me but they also reminded me of my tears and my aching throat as I fought back another sob. Every time I blinked I saw that man on top of me, every time I shut my eyes my mind fills in what my dream left out. I know it didn’t happen like it did in my dream, but it still felt so real. I could still feel him against me, still feel his caresses, and still feel his anger. I didn’t want to remember but there was no going back.

“You should probably go to sleep. I’ll probably be up for a while,” I murmured.

“Then I’ll stay right here to keep you company,” He stifled a yawn as he said so.

“You’re tired, Paul, go to sleep.”

“I’ll be fine. Just relax.”

I got up from the bed, I could feel the tears wanting to break loose and I didn’t want Paul to see them again. Not twice in one day. I walked quickly from the room muttering something about a bathroom and raced out into the hall. I remembered the bathroom being in the middle of the hallway. I remembered getting up in the middle of the night when I was a little girl and quietly making my way on the cold floor. Now I found it easily and slipped into the room. I closed the door tightly and sat down at the edge of the toilet. I sat there in the darkness and stared at my hands. I stared at the hands that could do nothing to save me, that could do nothing to help everyone else. The images from the dream flashed before my eyes, I couldn’t stop them. They repeated over and over again in my mind.

The man would enter, untie me, forced himself on me and repeat. I would always fight, but nothing would ever go according to plan. The tears ran down my cheeks faster than before, as I felt the man’s hands exploring my skin a sob escaped my lips. I buried my head in my arms and wept. And still the images came again and again.

A slight knock came to the door of the bathroom, “Olivia,” came the call, “you’ve been in there for a while…can you come out?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t move. I was afraid if I moved I would make another noise that brought the whole house back to me. “Olivia,” came the slow call again, “Olivia I’m opening the door…why don’t you have the light on?”

The door creaked open as Paul pushed it wide. Floating over the palm of his hand was a little ball of fire with threw strange shadows on his face. He spotted me with my face buried in my arms and my shoulders shaking with every sob. I must have looked like a mess because the look Paul gave me was of utter terror. “Olivia,” he exclaimed as he rushed forward leaving the ball of flame floating by the door. He gathered my in his arms and held me close like he did before.

“It’s okay,” he murmured as a loud sob escaped my lips and echoed down the hall, “Its okay I’m here, I’m here.”

He held me and soothed me for what seemed like hours. For all I knew it might have actually been hours. I shook and wept and tried to stop myself but nothing seemed to work. Nothing helped stop the tears from falling, not even Paul’s warm embrace. I hadn’t even realized I was muttering until Paul said, “It’s alright. Shhh, you’re alright no need to explain.”

But my mind thought that there was a need to explain. Suddenly telling Paul everything didn’t seem like a bad idea. Suddenly it was all I wanted to do. “He did it,” I wept into Paul’s chest as he rocked me back and forth.

He paused, he tensed, I could feel his arms tighten around me as he listened, “I-I tried to fight him off but I wasn’t strong enough. I wanted him to stop but,” a sob escaped, “he kept…”

I realized I wasn’t making any sense. I bit my lip to keep from speaking; I gently pulled away from Paul and looked away. I could still feel his gaze searching me but I refused to look into his eyes. His hands still held my shoulders, “What did he do, Olivia,” he asked sternly, “What did the man do?”

My breath caught in my throat. I didn’t realize what I had started. His hands were still gentle but his voice had gone as hard as steal. I tensed until his tone and flinched out of his grasp, “I shouldn’t have said anything,” and scooted away from him on the bathroom floor and leaned against the cupboard. Paul leaned against the opposite wall, watching me.

I took a deep breath. I didn’t know where to start, “I,” I began glancing at Paul who had leaned forward at the sound of my voice, “I was in a metal room,” I began slowly, licking my lips to stall for time, “And I…Julianne was asking me questions I couldn’t answer. I…I still don’t know what she wanted, but every time she left a man would come in. He was a large man,” my voice cracked but I just cleared my throat and kept going, “He always can in at the same time every day. I never knew his name but I don’t think I can ever forget him face.”

I stopped as more images flashed through my mind. I closed my eyes and willed them to stop. I took deep breaths but that didn’t help my shaking body. Paul’s hand touched my shoulder causing my to jump, “you don’t have to continue-“

“Yes I do,” I murmured, “I can’t do anything else.”

Paul let his hand slid from my shoulder, but he made no further comment. I took a deep breath, “he beat me,” I whispered, “He hit me and told me to talk. He told me to tell Julianne whatever I knew. The only problem was…I didn’t know what she wanted. I couldn’t give her what she wanted because I didn’t know what that was,” I took a deep breath, “That day…two days ago I…Julianne came in like usual. And we had our usual exchange but she…threatened me. And I got so angry,” my voice shook as I remembered that day all over again, “and then he came in and started …cracking his knuckles like always. I…I started to yell at him. I don’t really know what I was thinking but I started yelling because I knew I only had one shot at getting out. I only had one shot of getting all of you out,” I took a deep breath, “I worked,” I croaked, “He untied me. But then he threw me on the ground and he…”

Hot tears fell anew down my cheeks. I didn’t wipe them away but focused on breathing. I focused on my weeping again. Paul slid close to me and brushed my tears away with his thumb, but he had a cold expression on his face, “What did he do to you?”

I took a deep breath, “He tried,” I said, unable to bring myself to actually say the real word, “He tried…but I…”

Paul waited, he let me finish, he let me tell it at my own pace. I silently thanked him for that, “I kicked him in a balls,” I muttered staring at my hands, “I kicked him and then I ran out the door.”

Paul’s arms came around me slowly. I was wrapped in his embrace once again and I curled into his lap, “I’m sorry,” I murmured into his shirt, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before.”

He held me tighter, “I already told you, you don’t have to apologize…for anything.”

I didn’t have to say anything. I didn’t have to pretend. I just sat there and left him hold me. I let the worries of the metal room melt away again, I knew I would still have the nightmares, I knew I would never forget the face of that nameless man, and I knew it would be a very long time before I wouldn’t have those images flash through my mind but I could face them with Paul by my side.