No Tomorrow: An Angsty Love Story

Lyric and I are meeting Blue at the park. Our park. It was Blue’s idea, and it feels right—to go back to the place we first met. The park is common ground, and a familiar place where Lyric feels safe and comfortable. Her school is nearby, and I bring her there sometimes because she loves the swings. There have been times, however, when I have avoided this park when I was especially upset or angry with Blue.

But those days are in the past, and hopefully will stay there where they belong.

Today is all about new beginnings.

Blue is already here waiting at our old favorite picnic table with his guitar case, and a Celtic harp. Lyric tugs on my hand as we get closer, and I can feel the excitement and nervousness emanating from her.

“Mommy, is that really him?”

I smile down at her. “Yes, that’s him.” She looks adorable today in blue jeans, tiny black combat boots, a white top, and a faded, distressed denim jacket. Her blond hair has been growing like a weed and is well past her shoulders now.

“He has a guitar… and a harp.” Her voice is soft and whispery with awe.

“He certainly does.”

Blue flew in on a private plane last night and insisted on bringing the harp he purchased for Lyric with him so he could give it to her himself. My first thought was to say no. I didn’t want him trying to buy Lyric’s acceptance, or spoiling her from day one. Then I realized this was about music for him. His passion. Giving his daughter her first musical instrument is much more than a gift. He’s hoping they share a talent and it will help them bond.

I hope so, too.

He’s smiling nervously as we approach, and stands to give me a quick, friendly hug which feels incredibly awkward considering this man has ravaged every inch of my body numerous times. Lyric hangs on to my hand tighter, and I squeeze hers back reassuringly.

“Lyric, this is your dad. His name is Blue.”

“Like the color?” she asks.

Blue laughs. “Yup, like the color.”

She cranes her neck to look up at him. “You’re really tall.”

Lyric has definitely inherited my petite genes. She’s shorter than all her classmates and looks much younger than most of them.

Blue kneels down in front of her and winks affectionately.

“Is that better?” he asks.

She nods, smiling shyly. “Much.”

“I’m really glad to finally meet you, Lyric. You have a beautiful name.”

“Thank you.”

“Why don’t we sit down,” I suggest, sensing a bit of shyness between them. Blue flashes me a grateful smile as we sit on the wooden bench. It warms my heart when Lyric chooses to sit between us.

“You have an earring,” Lyric observes, pointing to the feather that still flutters against Blue’s mane of hair. I can’t believe it’s lasted for so many years.

“It’s the feather of a pet bird I used to have.”

This, of course, fascinates her. “You had a pet bird? He didn’t fly away?”

He nods. “Birds make great pets, and no, he didn’t fly away.”

“How come?”

“I don’t think he knew he could.”

She giggles. “That’s silly. All birds fly.” She turns to me. “Right, Mom?”

“Usually, but I think it’s possible some don’t. Or maybe they just don’t want to.”

“I heard you want to learn to play the harp,” Blue says, bringing the harp closer. It’s bigger than I pictured, a little over three feet tall, and made of a beautiful tiger maple wood. “I have a friend who plays the harp, and she told me this one would be perfect for you. It used to be hers when she was a teenager.”

Lyric stares at the harp with wide eyes. “It’s for me?”

“It is… and guess what?”

“What?” she asks excitedly.

“She taught me how to play ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ on it, so now I can teach you.”

The sheer look of amazement on Lyric’s face almost makes my heart burst with happiness.

“Can you play it for me?” she asks.

Grinning, he pulls the harp closer to him. He places his large hands on the strings, and plays an absolutely beautiful, angelic version of the simple lullaby. Something about his tattooed fingers moving over the elegant instrument is incredibly sexy. I shouldn’t be thinking such thoughts right now, but damn, I can’t help it. He just oozes so much subtle sexiness. I want to kiss him in the worst way but we agreed not to be too kissy feely in front of Lyric until she feels comfortable around him.

“That was beautiful,” I say when he finishes. “But I’m not at all surprised.”

He lets out a low whistle. “I’m surprised. I’m not used to all these strings.”

“Can you teach me now?” Lyric asks. “Just like you just played it?”

“Hell yeah, I can. I bet you’ll play it even better than me.”

I watch quietly as he shows her how to position the harp against her shoulder, how to place her hands on the strings and pluck them properly. It’s an easy song, and she picks it up quickly and plays it surprisingly well. Seeing Blue and Lyric together is like a dream. It’s clear she likes him and feels comfortable with him. She’s not pulling away when he guides her fingers to the right strings, she’s not looking to me for reassurance. I’ve never seen Blue interact with a child before, and to be honest, I worried he’d be awkward, quiet, and moody, but he’s doing better than I could have hoped.

After the mini harp lesson, Blue plays a few songs on his guitar at Lyric’s request, and she’s totally enamored with him by the time he’s done. A few people walking through the park stop to listen to him, but I don’t think they recognize him as the lead singer of a popular rock band.

“I want to play just like you someday,” Lyric wishes out loud. “Only on the harp with the strings up and down and not across like the guitar.”

“I think you’ll be an amazing harp player,” Blue says. “You just have to practice a lot. Like every single day if you can. And soon? It’ll become a part of you.”

“Since Blue was nice enough to bring you the harp, I found a teacher for you. You can start taking lessons in about two weeks.”

“This is like Christmas!” she exclaims. “A dad and a harp and lessons. I can’t wait to tell Uncle Josh!”

Blue’s smile falters and I cringe inside. Josh might still be a sore spot, but he’s part of our lives and Blue’s going to have to accept that whether he likes it or not.

Josh and I never did go on a date. Maybe we both realized it never would have worked between us.

Or maybe it was because Blue and I have spent almost every night on the phone together, slowly falling in love all over again.

Whatever the reason, it seems that all the pieces are finally falling into the places they’re supposed to be in.

After putting the instruments in my car, we take a walk through the park and stop to let Lyric play on the swings. Blue puts his arm around me and kisses the top of my head as we watch her pump her legs up and down, soaring high toward the sky and smiling at us.

“She’s awesome,” he says. “Do you think she likes me?”

I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him. “I think she’s crazy about you already, just like I am.”

“I feel like the luckiest man alive right now. It’s like fuckin’ torture not being able to kiss you, though.”

“I know. But tomorrow night we’ll have some time alone together.”

He pulls me closer, his hand tight with desire on my hip. “I can’t wait. It’s been a long-ass three months.”

It has. We haven’t seen each other since that night in the parking lot, but we’ve shared a lot of late-night phone conversations that ranged from deep to serious to sweet to sexy. I’ve been lucky enough to wake up to a few sensual and romantic emails that have been wicked forms of teasing foreplay, which I’m sure was his plan—to make me crazy for him.

We have dinner at a quiet local restaurant, then I drive Blue back to the Marriott hotel just a few blocks from the park.

“Did you have fun?” Blue asks, turning in the passenger seat to talk to Lyric in the back.

“I did. Will I see you tomorrow still?”

“Yup. I’m coming over to your house in the morning.”

“Can I show you my room?”

He grins. “I’d love to see your room. You can show me where you’re going to keep your new harp.”

“What should I call you?” she asks.

Blue looks to me for guidance and I give him a subtle nod. I want him to be able to make his own decisions with her.

“That’s up to you. You can call me Dad…or you can call me Blue.” He reaches across the seat and holds on to my hand on my thigh as I turn in my seat to see them both better.

Lyric is deep in thought, her small mouth quirked to the side. “I think I want to call you Blue,” she finally announces. “It’s my favorite color.”

“Mine too. I’ll see you two beautiful ladies tomorrow.” He leans across the car and gives me a quick kiss that leaves me wanting more. “I’ll call you later?”

I nod, wishing he didn’t have to stay in the hotel and could come home with us but I’m determined to set a good example for our daughter even if my body is not exactly on board with that plan.

“Will you call me later, too?” Lyric asks, which puts the biggest smile on Blue’s face.

“What time do you go to bed, darlin’?”

“At nine usually.”

“Then I’ll call you before then to say goodnight.”

“So?” I ask, glancing at Lyric in the rearview mirror on the drive home. “What are you thinking about, sweetheart?” She’s been quiet since Blue got out of the car, which could be good or bad.

“I like him. He’s not what I pictured as a dad. I think he might be better. He looks like someone on television.”

“He likes you a lot. He told me.”

“I like his hair and his earring. And all his tattoos. He’s fun to look at.”

I try to stifle a laugh. “I think he’s fun to look at, too.”

“I can’t believe he got me a real harp, Mom. Can I really take lessons?”

“Of course. All I have to do is call and make the appointments.”

“Is it okay if I don’t call him Dad like other kids do? I like Blue better.”

“Honey, you can call him Blue if you want to. We’re not going to force you to call him Dad.”

“Is he going to stay my dad now? From now on?”

Her words sting my heart. She shouldn’t have to be worrying if he’s going to leave her life. Little girls should be able to trust their fathers with all their heart and soul. Or at least I thought so until my own father ostracized me for an unplanned pregnancy and still refuses to get over it. I hope Blue can be better than that.

“He’s always going to be your dad, and he’s going to see you as much as he can. It won’t be every day, because he lives in a different state and he travels, but he told me he’ll see you as much as he can.”

“Shouldn’t we all live together? Now that you found him? Are you guys divorced like?”

God. Why couldn’t she ask these questions while he was still in the car?

“Well, we’ve never been married so we can’t be divorced. Remember, I told you he’s in a band and he has to travel to play concerts? That’s why we can’t live together.”

“But he’ll come see me?”

“I’m sure he will.”

Holy heck I’m glad she’s never been the mega-questioning type, because trying to come up with answers on the fly is like being on the witness stand. I don’t even know if I’ve given her the right answers. I want her to feel safe, but I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture for her, either. I know Blue. Even though he’s been great the past few months, I’m still cautious when it comes to him because he could take a U-turn at any moment and disappear on one of his ‘walks.’

At exactly 8:45 my house phone rings, and Lyric vaults off the couch, scaring the heck out of Archie, who runs for cover down the hall. Probably to get revenge by barfing on my carpet.

“I’ll get it!” she yells, running to grab the phone from the kitchen. A few seconds later she’s wandering through the living room on her way to her bedroom, chattering away. I give her a few minutes of privacy before I check on her. She’s sitting on her bed telling Blue all about a TV show we were watching before he called.

“Do you want to talk to Mommy now?” she asks. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, too. Nighty night.” She holds the phone out. “He wants to talk to you now.”

Adorableness.

“Okay, you should get ready for bed now.” I lean down to kiss her and take the phone from her.

“Night, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Damn… this is so crazy surreal,” Blue says on the other end of the phone as I walk down the hall to the master bedroom. I close the door a few inches behind me.

“You doin’ okay?” I ask. “I know this is a lot to take in.”

“Yeah. It’s just crazy. Like bam. Now there’s this little girl who wants to talk to me.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“Hell yeah. She’s so damn cute. She’s like a tiny version of you,” he sighs. “It just blows my mind that she’s mine. It’s gonna take a while for that to really sink in. Right now I kinda feel like I’m dreaming all this.”

“Right after you got out of the car she started asking me questions. She wanted to know if you were going to be her dad from now on.”

“Shit. I’m such an asshole, Piper.” His voice deepens. “I fucked up so bad not being there for her.”

“Blue, we can’t change that. Be there from now on. That’s all you can do.”

“I will. I promise, babe. I’m not going to hurt her. I’d rather saw my own arm off.”

“She asked about us living together, too. I think she wants us to be like the families she sees on TV. I told her you have to travel a lot.”

“I’ll figure it out somehow. Ways to fit you guys into my schedule. I promise. I can do this.”

“We’ll take it one day at a time. I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed. I know you’re not going to be instant family man.”

“I know but after spending the day with both of you… fuck. It’s like I stepped through a door into a whole new world all of a sudden. And it’s scary as hell but I like it. Reece told me that once I actually saw her everything would change and damn, he was right.”

I sit on the floor with my back leaning against the bed and Archie immediately crawls onto my lap. “I like hearing you so happy,” I say softly. “And I’m so relieved you two got along so great.”

“It’s odd. I feel like I’ve always known her. Do you think that’s a parent thing? Like an instinct?”

I let out a lighthearted laugh. “Yeah, I think it just might be that.”

“I know I just spent the whole damn day with you but I miss you. I’m not gonna be good at not touching you. I’m not going to grope you in front of her or anything, but you know how I am with you, babe. I need to be able to touch you and kiss you or I’ll go crazy.”

“All right,” I relent, smiling from ear to ear. “Tomorrow we can touch a little more in front of her if you keep it clean.”

His sexy, deep laugh floats through the line. “I’m never gonna be clean, baby. But I’ll do my best.”

I don’t think I’d have him any other way.