Never Have I Ever: Wanted my Brother’s Rival

The last six hours had been the most productive ones I’d had in a long time. I’d cleaned out my email inbox, scrubbed my fridge, washed all my sheets and towels, and put in a half dozen online orders for things I didn’t need.

I’d done all this to avoid thinking about Gray and Eli and the clusterfuck that was my life. Had it worked? No. Not even a little.

The same thoughts kept echoing in my mind as nervous energy simmered under the surface of my skin.

Had Gray talked to Eli? Had they worked things out? Was Eli angry at me? Had hiding things been the wrong call?

Were we still together?

Knowing he’d been thinking about not going to school next year also weighed heavily on me. I’d noticed how he’d always change the subject when I asked about his plans. I should have pushed to find out why, but I hadn’t.

Fuck. I needed to see him. To hug him and make sure he was okay.

But I’d made a promise, and if Gray was willing to fix things between us, then the least I could do was honor my word and wait for Eli to come to me.

The low, Gothic-sounding tones of the designer doorbell the previous owners had installed chimed through the house, and my head snapped up like a Pavlovian response.

I didn’t get many visitors. Mostly kids fundraising or the occasional Realtor asking if I was interested in selling.

But it was Friday night, not the typical time for fundraising or soliciting.

Hope flared in my chest, and I ran to the door. Before I could completely push the screen door open, Eli was in my arms.

“Sweetheart?” I hugged him tight, fear lancing through me as he clung to me. Shit, he was shaking. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

He shook his head and clung to me.

Breathing out, I willed my mind and heart rate to calm down. He was here, and he obviously needed me. He’d tell me what was going on when he was ready.

We stood there for a long time, and when he finally pulled away, I looked down into his face. He looked haunted.

“Come inside,” I said softly, leading him into the house and closing the door behind us. “Do you want to lie down? Maybe light a fire?”

He shook his head but let me bring him into the living room.

“Sweetheart, you’re scaring me. Please talk to me.” I gently pushed him onto our chair and sat next to him. “Just tell me if you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” He bit his lip, his eyes flashing with so many emotions I couldn’t pinpoint them all. “I talked to Gray. And he said he talked to you.” He swallowed and blinked rapidly like he was trying to stop himself from crying. “I hurt him so badly.”

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

“But he doesn’t hate me.” He let out a humorless laugh. “He blamed himself for how I acted.”

I kept quiet and let him talk, knowing this was him processing everything and he wasn’t looking for a discussion.

“He said it was his fault and he should never have put me in the middle of what happened back then. And he’s been going through some stuff, but I wasn’t there for him because I was too busy hiding.” He pushed his hair back from his face. “For months, I’ve been freaking out about this. I’ve been lying to the people I love most in the world, and I didn’t have to. I could have just talked to him. This, us, hurt him, but me lying hurt him more.

“Then my mom called, and she was crushed that I’d lied to her too. That I’ve been avoiding everyone. She said she loves me and all she’s ever wanted was for me to be happy. And Gray talked to her and told her I’m happy, and he said the shit that happened between you two is in the past and he doesn’t blame you for your mistake. He doesn’t even know what happened, any of it, but he still told her that.”

I slipped my hand into his and squeezed it, hoping to give him some comfort and ground him.

“I put my family through hell for the last two months because I was too afraid to face the consequences. I hurt everyone because I was a coward.”

He shifted his gaze to mine, his eyes liquid and unfocused. “I almost gave up my future because I’m afraid, and instead of leaning on the people who’ve always been there for me, I shut them out and almost screwed everything up.

“And do you know what the worst part of it is? I didn’t even tell you how much you mean to me. I’ve been so scared of everything that I stuck my head in the sand and pretended like I was the only person in the world. It was all about me. My fears, my feelings, how I was dealing with things.

“Even after everything, they still love me. They still want the best for me. They forgave me without a second thought, even though I’m the asshole here. I’m the bad guy.”

“You’re not the bad guy.”

He finally looked me in the eyes. “I feel like I am.”

“You’re not. There are no bad guys here.” I wanted to say that if anyone was the villain, it was me for putting him in this situation, but this conversation wasn’t about me. “Your family loves you, and they support you. You were in a difficult position, and you made the best decision you could based on the information you had. It might not have been the right one in the long run, but you didn’t set out to hurt anyone.”

“But I still did.” He squeezed my hand. “After Mom and I finished talking, Henry wanted to get on the phone. He told me all about school and his friends and all the stuff I’d missed by avoiding him. He said he missed me, and he was proud of me for graduating, and he was telling all his friends about how his big brother was moving to California and was going to be a doctor.”

My heart broke at the anguish in his eyes.

“And I almost gave all of it up because I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Of being alone. Of losing what I have here. I’m finally happy, and now I have to give it all up in a few months and start over.”

“It’s not because of me, is it? Because you thought I didn’t want you to go?” My stomach soured at the thought.

“No. But I lied to you too.” His lip trembled.

“What did you lie about?”

“I didn’t tell you the truth about how I feel because I was scared.”

“Not telling the truth isn’t the same as lying,” I said softly, not daring to hope he felt the same way I did about him.

“It is. A lie of omission is still a lie. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep letting fear control my life. Gray told me to lean on the people who care about me when my brain is telling me I’m not good enough or smart enough or strong enough.” He drew in a shuddering breath, and a single tear slid down his smooth cheek. “That I’m unlovable.”

“Sweetheart—”

“I need to say this before I can’t.” He swiped the tear away. “For the longest time, I didn’t think I could feel what other people could. I thought there was something wrong with me and I was wired wrong or lacking the part of my brain that could feel the good emotions. I love my family, and I know they love me, but no one else has ever made me feel worthy. Like a person. Like I’m someone who matters. My father called me a mistake and said he wished I’d never been born. My teachers said I was a burden and a nuisance. Kids at school called me a freak. And I believed it all.”

I squeezed his hand with both of mine and bit my tongue so I didn’t blurt out that he was perfect and I loved him exactly the way he was.

“But then you came along, and for the first time in my life, someone saw me. I didn’t have to play a part with you. I was myself, and you still liked me. And my roommates too. I stopped hiding from them and stopped trying to be someone I’m not, and they still like me. They’re my friends.”

He sucked in a deep breath and looked me right in the eyes. “I think I love you.”

My heart exploded into a thousand tiny pieces, and happiness flowed through me like a living thing.

“And I know it’s too soon and you’re not looking for forever, but I need to tell you how I feel because you’re the only person in the whole world who—”

I cut him off with a gentle kiss.

“I love you too,” I said softly, making sure he was looking at me so he could see how much I meant it. “You’re everything, sweetheart. The only one I want, the only one I’ll ever want.”

Another tear slipped down his cheek and his lips trembled. “Really?”

“Really.” I wiped the tear away with the pad of my thumb, then kissed the wet trail it had left behind. “I never thought I’d find someone who saw me either. You’re not the only one who’s been playing a part for years, who thought they were unlovable or there was something wrong with them.”

He widened his eyes, his mouth forming a little o.

“My family doesn’t love me. My father sees me as some sort of asset to control, my mother has made it clear she only loves one of her kids, and my sister and I are basically strangers who share DNA.”

He squeezed my hand, his eyes soft and encouraging.

“No one has ever seen me as West. I’ve always been Warren Daniels’s son. So I played the part. I acted the role of the rich asshole because it was easier than being myself.” I sighed as the truth came tumbling out. “I’ve been someone else for so long I forgot who I was. And I’ve been alone for so long I thought this was how it would always be. That no one could ever love me because no one ever has.”

“I do,” he whispered.

“I know. And I’m fucking thankful I found you.”

He scrambled onto my lap and threw his arms around me, clinging to me so tight the air was forced from my lungs with an audible whoosh. I held him just as tight, drinking in everything about him from his warm body to his sweet scent.

“I want to come to California with you,” I said into his neck.

“You do?” He squeezed me tighter.

“Yes. I’m not going to work for my father. I want to make my own life, find my own path. And I want to do it with you.”

“I want that too.” He kissed my cheek. “I love you, West.”

“I love you, Eli.”

He shuddered and held me even tighter.

“And I want to make things right with your family. I need to earn their trust. To show them I’m serious about you and good enough for you.”

He pulled back so he could look into my eyes. “You are good enough for me.”

“Not yet I’m not. Your family means everything to you, and I won’t be the wedge between you. I refuse to hurt you again.”

“You didn’t hurt me—”

“I did. Us being together hurt you, and it hurt them. I need to spend the next few months proving to them I’m not that kid anymore.”

“My mom invited you to come to dinner with us on Monday.” He ran his fingers through the hairs at the back of my neck. “It’s not going to be anything fancy, but—”

“I’d love to come.”

His smile was so bright it lit up his entire face, and my heart swelled with both love and pride. He was gorgeous, inside and out, but he was stunning when he smiled.

“Do you need to get ready for work?”

He shook his head. “Nope. I’m taking the weekend off.”

“Yeah?” I rubbed his back.

“Yup. I need a full weekend of relaxing, snuggling, and making love with my boyfriend.”

“Well, that works out perfectly because I need that too. But what about your exam on Monday? Don’t you need to study?”

He laughed, his shoulders shaking as the melodic sound echoed in the room. “I brought my books and computer, but I was so nervous when Matt dropped me off I left them on the stoop.”

He scrambled off my lap and grinned, his hands on his hips and his head cocked to the side, as he gave me a coy grin.

“How about I go grab my bag, and you get your fine ass upstairs and start a fire?”

I stood as well, catching him around the waist before he could dart off. “Sounds perfect.”

His eyes softened, and he leaned up and brushed a soft kiss against my lips. “You know your family are morons, right? You’re not only totally lovable, but you’re also kind and sweet and the best person I know.”

My chest squeezed.

“And my family will love you once they get to know the real you.” His eyes darkened slightly. “Be patient with Gray. You both only knew the worst sides of each other back then.”

“I will. He’s important to you, so he’s important to me. I know it won’t be easy, and it’ll take time, but I’m willing to put the work in until I can earn not only his forgiveness but also his trust.”

Eli pressed another kiss to my lips, then slapped my ass hard enough to sting.

“Brat.”

He shot me a sweet smile. “Get this sexy butt upstairs so I can do dirty things to it before you fuck me into the mattress.”

I let out a little growl and reached for him.

He danced out of my grasp and ran toward the door, then disappeared into the hall, his laughter floating behind him.

I stood there, basking in the knowledge that Eli loved me. Of all the people in the world, he’d chosen me.

Life wasn’t going to be easy, but it would be worth it to spend it with him. Eli wasn’t just my boyfriend. He was my partner, my best friend, and the man I loved more than anything in the world.

How the fuck did I ever get this lucky?