Nadir

Nandy has just fallen asleep after taking her medication and the doctor has asked to see me and Martha so we are in the living room. I am grateful to her because she has been very good and professional with us for the past two years, I don’t know what we would do without her.

‘Is there a problem?’ Martha asks before sighing deeply.

‘I wish I had good news for the both of you but Nandy is not getting better and I think it’s best you both agree to commit her.’

I have been dreading this conversation. I have heard people whisper and talk about how I should just let the doctor do what she thinks is best and the most awful part is how when I am alone I am afraid of having this raw conversation with myself.

‘I have been in this field for years and I must confess I have never seen a love so pure. So raw.’ She adds bringing me out of my reverie.

‘But loving someone else doesn’t mean you should love yourself any less, Mr. Jacobs it’s high time you think seriously about this.’ She says and excuses herself.

There is silence in the room long after she has gone.

‘The doctor is right.’ Martha says breaking the silence.

‘What do you mean?’ I ask putting my head in my palms.

‘Joshua you are still young, you have a whole life ahead of you. You can’t subject yourself to this kind of lifestyle.’

I shake my head, tears falling.

‘I know you love her. I know you do. But you need to take care of yourself, I hate to say this but my sister is not getting any better, you need to accept that things might not be how you have always imagined them to be. That it is not going to play out the way you thought it would. I am sorry.’

I remove my hanky from the pocket and wipe away my tears.

‘How can life be this cruel? This unfair?’ I ask more tears falling.

‘I am sorry Joshua. I wish I had the answers that you desperately need.’

I wipe more tears away. The past two years have been the hardest years of my life. I have buried myself in work but everything else has just been at a standstill. Two years ago we were supposed to have received our babies alive and healthy, two years ago Nandy and I were supposed to get married but all that was snatched from us and she wasn’t strong enough to handle it. Now she is stuck in this shell and each passing day she builds another layer making it impossible to come out.

‘She would want for you to be happy, she wouldn’t want to see you like this.’

I want to respond when my phone starts to ring.

‘Let me just take this, mum is calling.’

‘Sure.’

I excuse myself and walk to the kitchen.

‘Mother.’

‘How are you?’

I breath out deeply. My mother and I are still very close I know I can be raw with her without holding back.

‘I am alive.’

‘What are the doctors saying?’

‘She feels it’s high time we commit her.’

‘We should get a second opinion, Nandy is not sick. She is in denial.’

‘It has been two years.’

‘You didn’t carry those babies, you are not the one who pushed them out so you have no right to dictate when she should let go.’

My tears start to fall again.

‘Mother they were my sons. My children too.’

‘And your pain is valid, but you will never understand what I am saying until you are lying on that labor bed pushing out death. Until you put to bed and that child is snatched from you. You pain is valid. So is Nandy’s.’

I breathe out deeply and wipe away the tears that had started to fall.

‘Mum that’s two years of my life, two years of stagnation.’

‘It’s not stagnation. It’s a test of your love, your loyalty and I have never seen anything more beautiful than what you have.’

‘What if she gets back to herself and doesn’t want anything to do with me?’

‘What if she does?’

‘Mother.’ I say more tears falling.

‘You would have done your part, played your role. If she wakes up and decides not to be with you then it’s on her and not you. I raised you right, I raised a good man and I have no regrets over the decisions you have made or how you have turned out. You continue to make me proud child of mine and I love you with everything in me. Always know that.’

‘I love you more mother.’ I say.

‘And if it ever gets so hard.’

She pauses, her voice breaking.

‘If it ever feels like you can’t take it, remember that you don’t come from the bush, remember that you have me and I love you with everything in me. I love you with every fiber of my being. Always remember that.’

I cry so hard and she just stays on the line, crying with me because Lord knows this is hard and I don’t know what lesson God is trying to teach me but it hurts.

..

Kwenje’s Girl

Winnie

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