My Vampire Queen

Do you remember those old commercials with the woman laying on the couch in a dim room facing towards the back of the couch because she was depressed? As a kid, I didn’t fully understand that, but in the past few years, I do now, especially now. Now I struggle to get out of bed, most of the time I lay in bed, sometimes I read, sometimes I watch Netflix, always to try and escape the thoughts from forming in my head. Always to escape what might happen in the future.

Because I have no future.

My mother and I moved into my grandparent’s house when I was 14. My grandpa died when I was 16, his funeral happened the day before my junior year so I dropped out. My mother went back to work because she didn’t want to be a burden on my grandma, so I stayed home to take care of her. Because after my grandpa died, her dementia took a nosedive. She died four years later when a leg infection spread to her organs. We could have saved her, but amputating a dementia patient’s leg, someone who was very independent and strong seemed cruel.

After that, we moved into the cheapest apartment we could find, because my aunt couldn’t move us out fast enough. That apartment ended up being hell on earth. Our neighbor was a drug dealer, and our other neighbor pissed off a different drug dealer and that guy shot up his apartment. Yes, you heard me right. The guy in the apartment across the hall from us knowingly pissed off a violent gangbanger drug dealer and got his apartment shot up. Luckily neither my mom or I or the people above him were hurt, he wasn’t either. He was evicted though. Replaced by a couple that fought loudly almost every night. I think that was the scariest thing that happened, but not the last horrible thing that happened.

Luckily my uncle, well more like my ex-uncle if that’s a thing let us move in with him after a year and a half in that apartment. My uncle was married to my aunt, they divorced quite a while ago. They still talk, and have family dinners with my cousins.

My uncle has been the nicest person I’ve ever known, he let us move in when my mom and I were struggling. Well, we are still struggling but at least now we have hot water, heating, air conditioning, and no horrible neighbors to worry about. My mom still works, as a waitress, and my uncle had gotten me a job with one of his friends. The guy is a manager and the son of the owner of a bowling alley. When their old cleaner retired, my uncle asked me if I would be interested. Now I work six days a week, about four hours a night. It wasn’t great money, and the job is harder than I would have ever thought, I at least was able to buy some things I wanted and save some money on the side. Even though I was able to buy my own things, I hated my job.

That’s part of the reason I want to not get out of bed at all, there are a lot more parts that would take me way too long to get into. Things that I’ve tried to bury in my mind, things I haven’t ever spoken about if I have. Definitely not to my mom, a woman who tries, but a woman who doesn’t seem to want to do anything more than she has to. And all I want is some help, a push, something that shows she actually cares about my future. Because at this rate she is going to die of lung cancer and leave her daughter who has a shit job and no future with the bill.

Laying in bed even when noon approaches isn’t uncommon for me, considering I normally get home around four or five AM. Sometimes I sleep later but I find myself unable to sleep for long, I’m restless most of the time. When I’m awake though, I can’t seem to find anything to do. I cook, go for a walk, play video games, or watch Netflix. At least my uncle encourages me to cook, he eats enough for three people so it gives me something to do, even when I don’t feel like doing anything.

I think he knows I’m depressed. He always compliments my food, gives me ideas for new things to try to cook, and even gives me money for groceries from time to time. He also talks to me about new shows I’ve been watching, also suggesting new shows or movies to watch. Every topic is light and easy, he never pushes me, unlike some other family members who just don’t seem to get it. Hell he was the only one to help me get my driver’s license, well my dad helped a little, taking me out to drive once a week if I helped him sell things online. My dad never did anything for free.

My phone buzzes twice in quick succession alerting me to a new text message, and I debate on ignoring it. I know what’s being sent, and I have to fight the annoyance that rushes over me. I don’t want to message my boyfriend, because I don’t want to talk to him, I rarely ever do, but like every day I roll over to where my desk is. My desk is a small black thing with silver legs. It’s small enough I can easily move it around my room, but I can fit my laptop on it along with a mouse and drink comfortably. My phone is on the edge, I grab it and see the message saying ‘Awake yet?’

I send him back maybe with three sleeping emojis. He is normally up around 10 am and prepares for work. I normally wake up around noon, the time he starts work, which is streaming, where you can play video games or music live for people on a website called Twitch. He started about two years ago, and I’ve known him for about 12 at this point. So when he started, he asked me to be his mod, his first mod, and his girlfriend around the same time. At that point, I was hopeful because we had gotten along really well and spent a ton of time playing games, so I said yes to both.

A year later I regret it even though I shouldn’t. He’s a great boyfriend. He doesn’t push me like most guys would, he never asks for pictures unless it’s of food I’ve made, or of my nails I painted and put designs on. Even if he lives in Ohio and I live just ten minutes from Chicago, he doesn’t let the distance get between us. We talk every day, through text, only voice chatting when we are playing games, and we have never met each other. Then there’s the fact that for the past three years before we even started dating, he’s bought me things. From just a video game here and there to sending my things off of my Amazon wishlist. I mean, how could I not love a guy who’s just happy with playing games with me? Who sends me things even though I never ask him to? Someone who is excited about what I am excited about, my cooking and hobbies?

I feel like a shit girlfriend because I feel like I’m using him, mostly for the companionship of someone who knows me, so I don’t have to open up to someone else. But then with all the things he has given me over the years, I feel like I’ll have used him for his money as well. I don’t want to be that girl. But then sometimes I did want to be that girl, I wanted to be desired and spoiled, even by someone I particularly didn’t want myself. It gave me some sort of control back into my life.

My mom didn’t help with that dark side. She’s always been of the mind of dating around, having fun while you can, and taking all the advantages you can get. Which means taking all the gifts and flirting for more. I guess being married and divorced three times made her rethink her view on love and relationships.

My phone vibrates in my hand catching my attention and I look down as the message flashes across the screen.‘Have you considered making a list on one of those other sites?’

Those other sites as he says are clothing sites, or Etsy, something different from Amazon. And I have made wish lists on different sites, mostly websites with makeup. I’ve always wanted to try different brands and different items of makeup besides the basics I have.

He has offered to buy me clothes, makeup, anything. I think it’s mostly for him to picture me in whatever he bought, I don’t know if I care enough about that. I’m greedy because I rarely got things I wanted, my mom never had the money to spoil me, and my dad never asked what I wanted growing up. At least Jay let me pick things out, he didn’t care because my style ranged so much, from goth to girly.

As of right now, he’s only bought me polishes, some decorating things, and some makeup. At least beauty stuff he’s gotten me other stuff as well.

I sent back a message.‘Let me wake up and I’ll look at a few websites.’

Sitting up I let out a loud groan, stretched, and got up from bed, going to the bathroom, across the hall from my room, right next to my mom’s room. I use it quickly then go back into my room to hide. I know my mom is home, downstairs cleaning while my uncle is at work, or out with a friend or family member. He’s rarely home. Sitting at the edge of my bed I open my laptop, and begin looking through things and send links to my wishlist to Jay.