My Fault (Culpable Book 1)

I knew the time had come to be sincere, but I was scared to unearth those memories. Just the thought of breaking down again as I had in that closet filled me with despair. But Nicholas had told me he was in love with me, so how could I resist?

“My father was an alcoholic. I barely remember him any other way. He was a NASCAR driver. I lied when I said it was my uncle. When he broke his leg, he had to give up racing. He changed, he stopped eating, stopped smiling, and the rage and pain just ate him up inside. I was eight the first time he hit my mother. I remember it because I was there. Wrong place at the wrong time, I guess. I fell off my chair when he was doing it and ended up having to go to the hospital. But he never actually touched me until I was eleven. My mother he beat almost every single day. It was so routine I thought it was normal… She couldn’t leave him, she didn’t have anywhere else to go, and she didn’t make enough money to take care of me. My father had a retirement account from racing, and we could get by on that, but like I said, he was a drunk. When he came home after a night at the bars, he took all his frustrations out on Mom. He almost beat her to death twice, but no one helped her, no one had anything to offer her, and she was scared that if she called the cops, she’d end up losing custody of me. I learned to live with it, and anytime I heard that thudding sound or my mother screaming, I’d go to my room and hide under the covers. I’d turn off all the lights and wait for it to end. But this one time, that wasn’t enough… My mother had to be gone two days for work, and she left me with him, thinking since he’d never turned on me, I’d be safe…”

It was as if I were reliving it just then. “He showed up drunk, overturned the table… I hid, but he finally found me…”

When I heard those words, I knew Papa was going to hurt me. I wanted to tell him it was me, not Mom, but Noah, but he was so drunk he didn’t even care or didn’t notice. Everything was dark; I couldn’t even see the least glimmer of light.

“You want to play hide-and-seek?” he shouted, and I pulled the sheets tightly around me. “Since when have you been hiding from me, you little slut?”

The first blow came right afterward, then the second, then the third. I didn’t know how, but I ended up on the ground, screaming and crying as he hit me. Papa wasn’t used to that, and it made him even madder. Where was Mom? Was this what she felt every time he got angry with her?

He hit me in the stomach, and I couldn’t breathe…

“You’re going to learn what you get if you don’t treat the man of the house the way he deserves,” he said as he took off his belt. He’d often threatened to hit me with it, but he’d never actually done it. Now he did, and it hurt. I stood up, trying to get away, and he struck the window in my room. The shattered glass fell all over; I could feel the shards cutting my knees and the palms of my hands as I tried to crawl away…

He just kept getting madder. He didn’t seem to even recognize me. It was like he had no idea that the person he was beating was an eleven-year-old girl…

“He didn’t kill me, but he came close. I slipped past him and jumped out the window. The scar on my stomach is where I cut myself on the windowpane.” I teared up again, but this time, I kept talking through it. “The neighbors heard me screaming, and the cops showed up right afterward. For two months, I was a ward of the state, living in a group home, because after what happened, they didn’t think my mother was fit to look after me. The funny thing is I got hit more in those two months than I ever did living with my dad. Finally they let me go back to Mom’s and they put Papa in jail. The last time I saw him was when I had to testify against him. There was so much hate in his eyes… I never saw him again.”

I stopped talking, waiting for an answer…that didn’t come.

“Say something,” I said.

He looked down, as if trying to hide something.

“So that’s why you’re afraid of the dark.”

“The darkness brings back those memories, and I panic… If you hadn’t shown up when you did, it would have probably gotten a lot worse… I had a bad panic attack like that when I was in the group home. It was horrible.” I tried to smile, but his face remained tense as he reached out and touched me.

I exhaled all the air I’d been holding in. I still remembered when I had been about to tell Dan about all that. But he’d frozen, and I’d made it no further than when my father was beating my mom.

“I sent my own father to prison. That must make you rethink your feelings about me, no?”

“Noah,” he said, shocked, “you did the right thing. All I want is to be there for you and protect you with my life if I have to. That’s what I’m feeling right now, and I swear to you, those fuckers who stuck you in the closet, I’ll kill them with my bare hands.”

“Nicholas, I’m damaged goods.”

“Don’t ever say that again,” he ordered me, angry that I’d even said it.

I felt a cascade over my cheeks and lips as I started crying again.

“Nick… I might not be able to have kids.” That was my biggest secret, the one that hurt the most. The worst consequence of that night. “Because of how hard he hit me… The doctors said they don’t think I’ll be able to get pregnant…ever.”

He pulled me into him.

“You’re the bravest, most amazing woman I’ve ever met,” he said, kissing me on top of the head. “You’ll be able to have kids. I know you will…and if not, you can adopt one. There’s no one who would make a better mother than you…hear me?” He got on top of me and stared me straight in the eyes.

“I love you, Noah,” he said then, and I froze. “I love you more than my own life, and when the time comes, I’m going to give you the most precious children the world has ever seen because you’re beautiful and I know you’ll make it through all this shit…and I’ll be right beside you to make sure of it.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” I responded, at once frightened and relieved.

“I know exactly what I’m saying. I’m saying I want to be with you, I want to kiss you whenever I feel like it, I want to protect you from anyone who tries to hurt you, and I want you to need me in your life…”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“I love you, Nick,” I declared. I’d had no idea I would say it. But it was the truth, the absolute truth. “I’ve tried to ignore my feelings for you, to hide from them…but I love you… I love you like crazy, and I want all the things you just said, I want you to be with me, and I want you to love me because I need you, I need you more than the air I breathe…”

“I need to kiss you,” he said.

“Then do it,” I replied.

“You don’t understand. I need to kiss you all over…touch you, feel your skin… I want you to be mine, Noah…in every sense of the word. I’ve never felt that for anyone…and it scares me… It scares me because I feel like I’m going crazy.”

I pulled him into me. He was lost, I could see it in his eyes. Nicholas had never in his life been with a woman for more than a few hours. He didn’t know what commitment was, but since he’d confessed his love to me, he seemed like a totally different person. I loved him, too; I could feel it in my heart, in the way my body reacted when he touched me, when he was near. I was in love, and I was scared, just like him, and this had nothing to do with what it felt like when I was with Dan. This was so much more, so much better, so intense.

He pulled my hips toward him, squeezing me so tightly it hurt, but I didn’t care once his lips touched mine and kissed me passionately. I felt him all over; his arms were strong and clutching me, but at the same time, he was gentle, as if he knew I was fragile and didn’t want to break me.

I didn’t resist. I wanted him to know I was ready. His smile made me breathless, but soon it was replaced by a look of desire so intense I was almost frightened. He tugged off my shirt and kissed my belly button and my abdomen. I thought I would lose my mind. His hands stroked my back, and his mouth and his fingers then touched my scar. I jerked suddenly and pushed him away.

“No,” he said, looking up at me. “Don’t be ashamed, Noah. All this means is that you’re braver than anyone, that you’re strong.”

I nodded.

“You’re perfect,” he added, covering me in hot kisses.

My hands climbed his back, where I could feel the muscles under his hot skin. I wanted to touch him all over. I was tingling and panting as he moved his hand up my left leg and kissed me softly one, two, three times before forcing his tongue in and tasting me as if doing so were his destiny. As his fingers reached my midsection, I knew I had to tell him something: I’d never done it with anyone before. Not even with Dan. Maybe it could have waited—we were only at second base—but I thought it was better to get it out of the way. He had a lot of experience, and soon I’d be feeling scared.

“Nick,” I said, trying to meet eyes with him. “Before we keep going…”

“Tell me you’ve never done it before, at least not with your stupid ex,” he interrupted, and I couldn’t help but giggle nervously.

“Well, actually…” I was enjoying the chance to make fun of him. He got tense all over. “I’m kidding, Nicholas! I’m a virgin.” I turned red as a tomato when I admitted it.

He smiled and kissed me on the corner of my lips.

“I knew it the first time I laid eyes on you,” he said, laughing. I punched him on the shoulder, but I knew he’d been well meaning, that he’d wanted to clear away some of the tension. Then, more seriously, he continued:

“We can drop it if you’re not ready.” I could tell he was sincere, but it was hard for him to say.

“I’m ready,” I said. “I want to…but promise me one thing first.”

“You name it.”

I couldn’t help but grin.

“Promise me it’ll be unforgettable.”

An endless supply of love and affection flooded his eyes.

“Don’t you worry about that.”

As he began working his way down my neck, I felt a jolt that reached all the way between my legs. He was still dressed, but my hands went to work tearing off his shirt. When I had it partway off, he sat up, grabbed it with one hand, pulled it the rest of the way, and threw it sexily to the floor. I wrapped my legs around him. All I wanted was to have him as close to me as possible, with no room even for air between us.

Just feeling his hips against mine gave me a kind of stinging pleasure that made me close my eyes and arch my back.

“You’re gorgeous,” he said, bringing his fingers down and pushing my underwear delicately aside. “If you want me to stop, Freckles, just tell me because even if I’m dying to be inside you, I don’t want to do it until you’re ready.”

But there was no turning back for me; this was what I wanted, what I needed. I needed him with me, I needed to relieve that pressure inside me, that pressure that I’d been feeling for months and that flared up when we kissed, when we touched, even when we argued.

“You were made to be my personal torture,” he said, pressing into me in places that had never burned as they did just then. His heart, his breathing were racing. My fingers wrapped around his waist, and he went stiff as I tried to unbutton his pants.

Then everything turned intense, and those slow, tentative touches were suddenly a whirlwind of sensations. Nick turned me over and put me on top of him. I pulled off his jeans. I could see something hard concealed in his boxers, but I didn’t have much time before he grabbed my hips and moved me on top of his erection. Still in our underwear, we pressed our bodies together and started to moan. I ran my hands over his shoulders and stomach, caressing his abs. My mouth followed them; all I wanted just then was to lick his body, nibble it, savor it with my tongue, and I didn’t hold back. All the while, he pushed his hips upward, grinding into me and giving me pleasure.

“Jesus, Noah,” he said, rolling back on top of me. His hands pushed my legs up until I wrapped them around him.

“Touch me, Nick… I need it,” I said, asking him for something I still didn’t know or comprehend.

His fingers worked their way inside my underwear, and I arched my back, pushed to desire’s edge as he started to move them in little circles right in the spot where I was aching with pleasure.

“Noah, you know I don’t want to hurt you, right?” he said, and I could see through the fog of ecstasy that he was worried. “But I’m going to have to, my love.”

“I know,” I responded, feeling one of his fingers pushing inside me. “Oh my God, Nick!” I shouted as he began to explore me, opening me up for what was to come.

“The sounds you’re making are driving me wild,” he said as I felt another finger push in beside the first one. He pushed his mouth atop mine to silence the scream emerging from it. His other hand climbed my back and unfastened my bra. Oh God—he was going to see my breasts! No one had ever seen them, but I was so rapt, I barely had time to think about it. He squeezed the left one and sucked on my nipple, circling it with his tongue…

“Jesus, you’re perfect, it’s like you were made just for me, Noah,” he said and took off his boxers. When he pulled out the two fingers, I felt suddenly empty and frustrated. I opened my eyes and saw him naked in front of me. My jaw fell open.

“Dammit, don’t look at me like that!” he said in a gruff voice as he opened the nightstand and took out what I assumed was a condom. I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing, but everything he did, the way he moved, the way his chest rose and fell as he breathed, all of it turned me on. I wanted him, wanted him inside me. There was nothing I wanted more.

When he opened my legs and he got on top of me, my body seemed on the verge of explosion. We were both so tense, it hurt.

“I love you, Noah,” he said, his mouth just inches from mine. His blue eyes looked at me in a way I’d never seen before. His words made me swell with happiness, and I knew he was only doing what he had to do, that this had to happen, that Nicholas loved me. Despite all we’d been through together, despite the hatred we’d felt for each other, us being with each other was always in the cards.

“Keep going,” I said.

He arranged himself over me carefully, and slowly, I felt him enter me. The muscles inside me tensed, and I moaned wildly when he pushed farther in. He was trying not to hurt me; the sweat was dripping down his back, and every inch of him was straining.

“Go fast, Nick,” I said, pulling him in with my legs.

“Are you sure?” he whispered.

I nodded, and he kissed me behind the ear. His arms were on either side of my head, and he was panting uncontrollably.

He broke through the final barrier that lay between us. I felt a sharp pain, intense and fiery, and at last, he was all the way inside me. We were one person, connected in the most powerful way imaginable, and a tear welled in my eye when he tried to get me to look at him.

“Noah…Noah,” he said, almost frightened, reaching up and caressing my face. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry, babe.”

“No,” I interrupted him, wrapping my arms around his neck and drawing him in. “I’m fine. Don’t stop.”

The pain was still there, but just seeing the pleasure on Nick’s face helped me forget it. I wanted to give this to him. I wanted him to remember it forever.

“Jesus, Noah…you can’t imagine how good this is making me feel.” Pulling out and pushing back in a little harder than before. When I closed my eyes, he said, “No, Noah, look at me, oh my God, I’m dying…” As he kept thrusting, the pain went away entirely; I wanted him there, and when he grunted from pleasure, I felt like I was losing my mind… He liked it, liked being with me; I was the one who gave him this pleasure now, me and no one else.

I pulled his hair.

“Faster,” I said, and he did it, and I utterly lost control, and a wave of something magnificent rose up inside me and threatened to crash and take absolutely everything away with it.

“Now you’re mine,” he said, groaning with pleasure and pain at the same time. “You’re all mine… Say it, Noah… Say it.”

“I’m yours,” I said, scratching his back.

Everything seemed to stop then. My senses burst apart; nothing seemed to matter, just the person on top of me, just him, just Nick. I shouted when we orgasmed at the same time. We were exhausted and sweaty and could hardly catch our breath. He rested his head on my shoulder, and my fingers loosened their grip. I relaxed, enjoying the final flickers of pleasure, caressing him softly.

He kissed me on the shoulder, on the face, and then pulled back to look me in my eyes.

“You’re incredible,” he said, “I love you. I loved you from the very first time you told me you hated me.”

I laughed, feeling a little regretful. “I just hated not having you to myself.”

“From now on, you will. I’m completely yours, body and soul…completely.”