My Fault (Culpable Book 1)

No more letters came, but that last one was seared indelibly in my mind. The word Papa had caused those childhood memories I’d tried to hide from to reemerge. He’d been out of my life for six years; I hadn’t even heard his name. As the days, weeks, months, and years had passed, my mind had grown a kind of shell that had protected me from the pain of remembering feelings or situations from that stage of my life. And I didn’t want to go back there. There were a before and an after. For my mother, too. But now everything was back.

Just remembering what had happened in those days frightened me so deeply that I couldn’t ignore it, and that was why I stayed out partying, drinking, doing anything I could to escape. I couldn’t deal with it just then. I wasn’t strong enough, not yet. I was still a girl; not enough time had passed. I needed to keep that darkness buried in my mind, and if that meant acting like an idiot, so be it. I knew what I was doing, and the numbing effects of alcohol were the only things that could still my heart and mind.

Anyway, my new friends didn’t see anything strange about getting drunk almost every day, so I could do what I wanted without much effort. The only obstacle was Nick.

Since we’d come back from that stupid trip, he’d been acting like a real older brother. He chewed me out if I drank too much, he took care of me when I was drunk, he even put me in the shower to help me sober up. It was ridiculous and also confusing. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I needed to face things on my own and in my way. When we were finally free of my father, I’d seen my mom get drunk that way. If it had helped her, why should I abstain?

All this was in my head that day as I went to school. I barely paid attention to my teachers. I hadn’t even eaten since the night before. My stomach refused all nourishment, my mind was dead, and all this was the only way to keep my demons at bay.

Jenna took me home that day. My mother was gone with William again and wouldn’t be home for a couple of days. I didn’t know where they had gone, and I didn’t care. A couple of times, I remembered my father’s threats, and I got so scared I could hardly breathe. But he was far away, in jail, and couldn’t get his hands on us. Still, though…how was Ronnie getting the letters?

I dropped my bag on the sofa and went to the kitchen. Nicholas was there with Lion. They looked up as soon as I entered.

“Hey, Noah,” Lion said with a tense smile. Nick watched me but didn’t move.

“Hey, your girlfriend just left,” I said, walking over to the refrigerator and taking out a handful of grapes. On the table were the crusts of what I supposed were grilled cheese sandwiches. Thor hurried over, wagging his tail.

“Beat it, Thor,” Nick said.

“Don’t be a jerk, Nicholas. He’s not bothering me,” I responded. Glowering, he grabbed the dog by his collar and dragged him away.

“He’s bothering me.”

Lion laughed.

“You could cut the tension in here with a knife,” he said, standing up. I put a grape in my mouth. “I should warn you, Noah, today is initiation day… Watch out.”

“What’s that?” I asked distractedly.

Nick seemed irritated at his remark, but Lion went on: “Today’s the Friday of the first week of class. It’s when they welcome in the newbies. And you’re one of them. Jenna would kill me for telling you, but I feel bad for you.”

“She’s not going to that bullshit, so there’s nothing to worry about,” Nicholas said.

“I don’t really follow, but if there’s a party tonight, then, yeah, Nick, I am going,” I said.

He shook his head. “Your mother told me you can’t go out tonight. She says she doesn’t want you away when she’s not here. So I’m just following orders.”

I laughed sarcastically.

“Since when do I pay attention to what you say?” I asked, eating another grape. They were delicious.

“Since I started staying here to keep my eye on you. You’re not going anywhere, so don’t bother arguing.” This was surreal. Since when did I have to do what Nicholas Leister said?

“Listen up, Nicholas. I do what I want when I want, so you can drop the bodyguard act because there’s no way I’m staying in on a Friday night.”

I got up to leave. Lion was chuckling.

“This is like watching a tennis match,” he said, but he turned meek when Nicholas gave him a piercing stare.

I walked past them to my room. I needed to decide what to wear.

Jenna called me around seven. The initiation party was a tradition at St. Marie’s, and funny enough, it took place on campus. We had to sneak in. It was supposed to be the wildest party ever. The freshmen took care of the food and drinks and then cleaned up afterward, and they did such a good job, no one had ever been caught. Since I was a new senior, I was just there for the fun part. Jenna told me I should wear something comfortable, so I chose black jeans, a sleeveless T-shirt, and sandals, and I left my hair down. I needed almost no time to get ready, so I still had a half hour left before she’d pick me up.

I was about to head downstairs to grab dinner, but I ran into Nick even before I hit the steps. He seemed to be lurking outside my bedroom.

“Going somewhere?” he asked. I wanted to hate him, hate him and make his life impossible, and I was determined to try to do it even as another part of me wanted to drop everything and kiss him then and there.

“Are you planning on stalking me all night?” I asked. He hurried ahead of me and turned and faced me on the bottom stair.

“Nicholas, forget me, please.”

I started to make a sandwich in the kitchen. I’d be drinking that night, and I needed something solid in my stomach. But as I was cutting the bread, a pair of hands grabbed me from behind, and a body pushed me into the counter. Feeling him that way after so long made me drop the knife I was holding. Despite my best efforts, I shivered when I felt his lips on my bare shoulder.

“Let me go, Nicholas.” My body wanted that contact, but my mind shouted Danger! Danger!

But he kept kissing me, my ear, my neck. He pushed my hair aside, and that simple touch made me close my eyes with pleasure.

“I’m tired of playing this stupid game,” he said, one hand against my stomach. “I wasn’t lying when I said that what happened in the Bahamas would never happen again. I’m here for you if and when you need me, Noah… You want me, and I want you…”

As he attacked my neck again, I lost the thread of my thoughts. I did want him, and as he kissed me, all those thoughts about my father, about my past, dissolved. Nicholas Leister was at least as distracting as alcohol, probably more so.

I stretched my arm back and ran my hand through his hair, pulling his head toward my throat. He put his hands around my waist and turned me around swiftly.

“You want me to kiss you?” he asked.

What kind of stupid question was that?

“Stay home and we’ll do more than that, I promise,” he said, his lips approaching mine.

“Are you bribing me?” I asked him, baffled and maybe a little resentful. He had been kind with me recently, and he’d resisted fighting with Ronnie when he’d given me the last letter. But I still didn’t know if I was ready to forgive him.

“That’s an ugly word. I prefer the term ‘seduction.’”

I let him kiss me. The feeling was marvelous but dizzying. Every time we touched each other, I felt a million different sensations, and this time was no different. But something had changed. He was kissing me with desperation. That frightened me, but when I felt the pressure of his tongue, I couldn’t help but respond the same way.

“You staying?” he asked then, standing back.

We were both struggling to breathe normally.

I pressed my hands into his chest.

“I’m going, Nicholas. But thanks for distracting me.”

And I left.

When we reached the school, we had to turn off the radio in Jenna’s convertible and sneak in. The party was in the back, in the fitness complex, where the pool was. From there, no one would hear the music. It was thrilling to scurry under the fence with the other kids who were arriving at the same time. The darkness wasn’t total—there were lampposts spread around—so we didn’t worry about tripping or falling as we crossed the green. When we entered, we saw the pool itself, a weight room, the risers. Most of the kids from the high school were there, and everyone had a plastic cup in hand. Lots of them were swimming. The music was deafening. I turned to Jenna and laughed.

“Now this is a party.”

As the night went on, weird things started happening that I didn’t like at all. The initiations for the new arrivals were really cruel. They tied one girl’s hands and feet and threw her into the pool. The poor thing thrashed around and tried to stay afloat for ages until some kid finally dove in and saved her from drowning. As I saw her crying, I realized this party was different from what I’d imagined. There were many more pranks of this kind. They stripped this kid with a face full of zits down to his underwear and laughed at him. They made someone else eat this gross plate of mashed-up something or other and he ran off and threw up.

What the hell was up with these people?

The scene didn’t seem to be getting any more pleasant, so I decided to go. Unlike me, Jenna was having a blast, but then, she didn’t even know what was going on; Lion had taken her off somewhere to make out. So that meant I was alone and surrounded by idiots. I grabbed my phone and sent Nick a text.

You said before you’d be here if I needed you… Can you come pick me up?

A minute later, I had my answer:

I’ll be waiting for you in the back parking lot.

He must have already known where the party was, and I told myself that if I found out Nicholas had pulled those same kinds of pranks in the past, I really would need to stay away from him. I didn’t like the vibe there at all, and I wanted to go.

At the door to the gym, four dickheads plus Cassie and her little girlfriends kept me from going outside. I wondered what the hell they wanted.

“Let me through,” I said.

Cassie smiled.

“You’re a newbie, too,” she said.

Oh no.

“You’ve got to pass your initiation, Noah, just like everyone else,” one of the big guys said.

“Don’t you dare put one finger on me,” I said, feeling the panic invade me. By then, the other guys had already surrounded me, blocking my path.

“A little bird told us someone’s scared of the dark,” Cassie said in a voice that reminded me too much of her sister. Had she been the one to come up with this idea? “You’re a big girl now, though, so it’s high time you got over your fears.”

My heart stopped. Was she suggesting…

My nightmares came true when two guys three times bigger than me grabbed me from behind.

“Let me go!” I shrieked as panic flooded my body. “Let me go!” I repeated as they carried me off to a closet where they kept swimming equipment.

“It’ll just be for a bit,” one of the guys said as I shook all over trying to get free.

“Please. No!” I screeched. Everyone behind me laughed and laughed.

Mom had left. Papa and I would be alone that night. I knew things would turn out bad. He stank; he smelled like that bottle I spilled that time without meaning to. I was scared Mom was gone because if Mom wasn’t there, he’d get mad at me. He never hurt me, but he’d threatened to many times.

When he got home, dinner was on the table. Mom had made it, and I had to heat it up… When he brought his fork to his mouth, I knew something was wrong. His face transformed, his eyes narrowed, and he overturned the table, scattering all the plates and glasses on the floor and making a huge mess. I crawled to a corner and curled up in a ball. I was scared; now was when the shouting and beating and blood came… But Mom wasn’t there, so what would happen this time?

“Ella!” he shouted. “What is this shit?”

I curled up more, remembering suddenly that I hadn’t put the sauce on the meat and potatoes. I must have left it in the refrigerator… I’d forgotten, and now Papa was mad.

“Where the fuck are you?” he shouted as fear gripped my entire body. When he started breaking things and shouting, I was supposed to go to my room. I ran toward it, and before I could stop myself, I slammed the door shut. I crept under the covers.

Papa kept shouting. He was angrier with every second that passed. I guess he didn’t remember Mom was away that night; she’d gone in at her job, and he was supposed to take care of me till she got back. As I heard the doors slam in succession, I knew he was getting closer to my room. I curled up even tighter as I heard the creak of the door opening.

“Here you are… You’re playing in the dark today, huh?”