My Fault (Culpable Book 1)

I was shaking so hard—shaking from pleasure—that I had to let him hold me up. I couldn’t believe what had just happened; I hadn’t seen it coming, and it had been so fast. I had been giving him his present and laughing, and all of a sudden, he had me pushed against a tree and his caresses had been making me tremble. I’d wanted to stop him. My God, I should have, but feeling those hands all over me… It had been incredible.

“You’re precious,” he whispered in my ear after kissing me to keep me from shouting and getting us both caught.

I could still remember all the times Dan had tried to touch me that way. I’d immediately said no, and he hadn’t even gotten close. Nick, though… I must have been losing my mind.

“I think…we should go back,” I said, adjusting my dress. Why did I feel so bad all the sudden?

“Hey,” Nick said, grabbing my chin and making me look up. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just… I didn’t see that coming,” I said, trying not to look at him. “We let ourselves lose control, or I let myself lose control, and I’m sorry about it… Go back to Anna or whoever. You don’t have to stay here with me.” I was trying not to let him see how stirred up I was.

I wanted him to hold me. Deep down I wanted him to stay with me. I wanted us to be in love or at least to know each other better. Nick was a total mystery to me, and I was to him, too. I couldn’t let him know that a part of me wanted him to tell me he loved me or to take me somewhere we could really be alone instead of leaning against a tree at a party.

“You want me to go be with Anna?” he asked, suddenly pissed. Maybe he was mad I didn’t want to keep going. Maybe he thought I wanted to do the same to him. But just thinking about sex with him in the middle of the woods made me sick.

“Yeah, go be with her,” I said, looking down at my toes. “You don’t have to stay with me. I told you—this was a mistake, we’re going too far, it’s not right.”

Nicholas turned around and kicked a rock. I heard him curse under his breath. Then he turned around in fury, his eyes looking like ice.

“Fine,” he said. He reached back with one arm and pulled off his shirt. Before I knew what he was doing, he’d turned around, pulled off his jeans, and taken off running for the lake. The people swimming there saw him and chanted his name.

My good mood and my self-esteem sank like his body sinking into that cold water.

For the next hour and a half, I avoided him as much as possible. I didn’t want to see him; the mere thought of it made me nervous. When five in the morning struck and most of the people had gone, the only ones left were Anna, Lion, Jenna, Mike, who owned the place, someone named Sophie, a friend of Nick’s named Sam, Nick, and me. We were in a living room full of big white sofas and armchairs, sitting in a circle. Sophie and Jenna were on one side of me; Sophie was a bleach-blond dummy. Mike was to my right, and Nicholas was next to him. I was glad because that meant I didn’t have to look him in the face.

He hadn’t said a word to me since we’d been standing by the tree. Maybe he was mad, or maybe he was glad he could wash his hands of me. I felt an ache each time our eyes accidentally crossed and he looked away, but part of me felt relieved. I’d rather he ignore me than have to talk about what happened.

“Why don’t we play that game we used to play when we were kids?” Sophie said.

“Truth or Dare?” Jenna said, grinning. “Grow up, Soph.”

“No, come on, let’s play,” Mike said, looking mischievous. That put me on alert. I hated that game. I’d said dare one time, and they’d made me drink a glass of cooking oil. It was disgusting.

“Grab the bottle on the table there,” Mike asked his friend.

He placed the beer bottle in the center of the circle and spun it, and it pointed to Anna.

“Truth or dare?” he asked. Nick shifted uneasily.

“Uh…truth,” she said, glancing over at him. I looked down. If it hadn’t been ridiculous, I’d have covered my ears to not hear them.

“What’s the last time you hooked up with someone?” Mike asked.

For real?

Anna smirked. I hated the way she looked over at me as she described sleeping with Nick.

“It was in the back seat of a car,” she said, laughing. “I’d have preferred a bed, but you know…”

Why did it hurt me so much to hear that? Why did the simple thought of Nick’s hands roving her body make me want to get up and pull her hair out?

I spun the bottle myself. I didn’t care if her story was over or not. I wasn’t interested in the details.

Shit, now the bottle was pointing at Nick.

“Truth or dare?” I asked him, a little brusquely.

“Dare, obviously.”

I tried to think of something that would really irritate him, but before I could, Sophie butted in.

“Take off your shirt,” she ordered him, and I huffed as I watched her devour him with her eyes.

“That’s not an actual dare,” I said.

“You should learn to be faster, little sister,” Nick said, stripping it off. All the other girls in the room must have been as entranced by his physique as I was. He was still to die for, even with the bumps and bruises Ronnie and his guys had dealt out to him.

“Thanks for the view, Nick. My turn,” Jenna said, reaching out and spinning the bottle.

Dammit. I was up. I almost shivered wondering what she’d ask me.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” I shrugged.

“Tell us the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life,” Jenna said. She thought I was a good little girl who never did anything out of the ordinary. If only she knew…

Seeing the mocking looks on everyone’s faces, I felt the urge to open their eyes, but did I really want to tell them about the thing that had been eating me up inside since I was eleven? No. Honestly, I didn’t.

“I stole a pack of gummy candy from a store in my town when I was nine. They caught me, and I tried to run off, and I ended up pulling down two shelves full of stuff. I was grounded for a month. I’ve never stolen anything since then,” I said, remembering that day affectionately. The chase had been the most fun part.

Everyone laughed.

Some friend of Nick’s whose name I’d forgotten had to spin the bottle this time. He’d had his eye on me all night. To my great displeasure, it slowed down and came to a stop on me again.

“Truth or dare?” he asked with a twisted smile.

“Dare,” I decided, since I’d picked truth last time, but I had the feeling I might have made the wrong choice.

“Take off your dress,” he said, and the blood rushed into my face.

No. I couldn’t do that. The lights were too bright; everyone would be able to see every inch of my body.

Nicholas didn’t seem to like the idea, either. All I wanted was for him to come up with something that would get me out of it.

“Can I change back?” I asked.

Anna, clearly amused, asked me whether I had some kind of hang-up about my body. “It’s just a game,” she said.

“You can change,” Nick grunted. Everyone protested, but there was no changing his mind, and they had to give in.

“Fine. Since you didn’t want to go along the first time, your dare is going to be a little more complicated,” Anna said. I could tell she was enjoying making me suffer. I had the urge to get up and smack her in the head with the bottle. Triumphantly, she continued, “So you’ve got to go into that closet and make out with Sam.”

What the hell? No way I was getting in some dark closet. This night was going from bad to worse.

“Great!” Sam said.

“I’ll do it,” I said, “but here. I’m not getting in any closet.”

“Why?” Anna asked.

“She’s afraid of the dark,” Nicholas said. I couldn’t believe he’d just blurted that out without any consideration for me. Everyone cracked up.

“What are you, like, four years old?” Sophie said.

I could feel myself blushing. That subject was off-limits. Only a few people knew the truth about that fear. I hadn’t even told my stepbrother the reason behind it.

“Same difference as far as I’m concerned. I’m going to need that kiss, though,” Sam said, edging over to me with no sense of shame. Whatever, it was just a kiss. Why should I care? I stood up, ignoring everyone around me.

Sam was blond with brown eyes. Jenna had told me he went to our school. When he reached me, he put a hand around my waist. Everyone else was jeering. I’m sure they could tell I was embarrassed, but my only thought was getting it over with.

I’d meant to just give him a quick peck, but he was too quick for me, and he forced my lips open and slipped his tongue inside. I froze, and a second later, I shoved him away.

“That’ll do,” I said and sat back down. I was angry, even if I didn’t exactly know why.

“You kiss like an angel, Noah,” Sam said, returning to his place.

Nick got up. He seemed worried, as if he had something on his mind, and both his hands were clenched into fists.

“It’s late,” he said, looking at me. “We need to go. This game’s stupid anyway.”

I got up, and the rest followed suit. Everyone was tired—the party had dragged on too long. Nick threw on his T-shirt, and Sophie observed him with what seemed like sadness.

We said goodbye and walked to our cars. Thank God Anna had come in her convertible and we didn’t have to take her home. Jenna promised to call me the next day so we could plan what we were packing together. I was a bit distant—that trip seemed like the least appropriate idea ever.

Nick said goodbye to Anna, and we hopped in the car and took off. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened, so I turned on the radio. As soon as we were on the road, though, he reached out and turned it off.

“I didn’t like you kissing Sam one fucking bit,” he said, drumming his fingers nervously on the wheel.

“It was just a dumb game. What was I supposed to do?” I said, remembering Anna’s confession. I didn’t care to hear that, either.

“You should have said no.”

“I already said no once. I don’t ask you to explain what you’re doing or not doing with Anna or the hundreds of chicks you rub up on right in front of my face,” I said, raising my voice.

“I haven’t done that,” he said, and I raised my eyes. “Hundreds of girls is too many, even for me, Freckles.”

“What about Anna, though?”

“My thing with Anna… It’s different, but if it makes you feel better, it’s been weeks since we’ve done anything,” he responded. I could tell he was trying to keep calm.

“Well, I don’t believe you, but even if it is true, you don’t owe me any explanation. I’m not jealous.” I crossed my arms and looked outside into the darkness. Of course I was, but I would never admit that aloud.

“I am,” he said, turning to look at me. “I’m jealous, I’m super-jealous, and I don’t even know why. I’ve never been jealous of anyone in my life, Noah, and certainly not of some jerkoff like Sam.”

I was confused.

“You shouldn’t feel that way over a dumb game—”

“You think I don’t know that?” he interrupted me.

Just then, we arrived home. Nick opened the car door in silence. Before I could get out, he grabbed my wrist, and I looked over at him.

“I’m sorry what happened in the woods wasn’t what you expected. I didn’t want to scare you or make you uncomfortable.”

I felt the wall I’d built up around myself start to crumble.

“You gave me the option to stop you, Nick, and I didn’t,” I replied. And I felt his hand stroke my wrist.

“I’d do it all with you, Noah, you know that…but I won’t do anything until the fear disappears from your eyes.”

Dammit.

He got out. It took a long time before my heart felt normal again.

The next day, Jenna picked me up at three in the afternoon to go shopping. According to her, this trip to the Bahamas was the perfect excuse to spruce up our wardrobes. My mother, overjoyed that Nicholas had invited me along, gave me her credit card and begged me to buy something. It was weird to see my mother so happy just because her stepson and I were getting along, especially since from her point of view the whole farce was just him trying to treat me as his sister. I couldn’t even imagine the look on her and Will’s faces if they found out what we’d been doing the past few weeks.

Still wavering about whether I should even go on the trip, I waited for Jenna as she walked in and out of the dressing room with a thousand different designer outfits. She was so thin, so svelte… I was envious. Her dark skin looked beautiful in every single thing she tried on. I still hadn’t picked anything, and I wasn’t even particularly into the idea. I already had way too many clothes I hadn’t even worn.

My phone rang, and I grabbed it out of my back pocket.

“Hello?” I said. No answer. I looked at the screen. Unknown number. “Hello?” I said again, louder. I could hear someone breathing on the other line, and my whole body shivered. I hung up just as Jenna walked out of the dressing room again.

“Who was it?” she asked as I slipped my phone back in my pocket.

“Dunno. Unknown number,” I said, picking up my bag and heading for the door.

“Weird! I got this call from an unknown number once, and it turned out to be this weirdo who was obsessed with me. He called me, like, a million times. I had to change my number and everything. Lion was losing his mind.”

Honestly, though, who was going to stalk me? But then I remembered Nick telling me about Ronnie’s threats and how I needed to take them more seriously. I wasn’t going to let a stupid phone call freak me out, though. I pushed my worries aside and walked with Jenna to the register.

Ten minutes later, we were sitting at a table outside a Starbucks, where I picked apart a blueberry muffin while she drank a strawberry Frappuccino.

“Can I ask you something?” she asked.

I nodded, putting a piece of muffin into my mouth.

“Do you have feelings for Nick?”

I almost choked. I didn’t see that coming. Was it so obvious? I tried to swallow and stop coughing, taking a sip of my OJ and asking myself how the hell I was going to respond.

“Why do you ask?”

“Yesterday at the birthday party… I don’t know… I thought I saw something. Like Nick… He’s never been so happy to see someone, but when you showed up, he was like a completely different guy. I could be imagining things, but your reaction when Anna talked and then his when you kissed Sam, they were almost exactly the same.”

Hmm. Nothing got past her. It was true we’d let ourselves go that night, not stopping to think that people around us might pick up on what was happening between us. But then what was happening between us?

“Jenna, he’s my stepbrother,” I said, trying to change the subject.

She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, which means he’s not your real brother or anything like it, so you can cut the bullshit,” she said. “I know Nick, and he’s changed… There’s something there… Maybe it’s true you’re trying to be friends now…or maybe you actually have feelings for him?” I felt as if I were being placed behind an X-ray machine.

What were my feelings for Nick? I certainly felt something, I had to admit that, at least to myself, but what was it exactly? I had no idea, I only knew that he was managing to drive me completely insane.

“We’re trying to be friends for our parents’ sake,” I said, knowing it was a lie. “And I don’t dislike him, especially now that we’re actually trying to get to know each other.”

Jenna sucked on her straw. “Fine. But don’t tell me it wouldn’t be amazing if y’all hooked up. That doesn’t count as incest, does it?”

Once again, I found myself choking on my muffin.