My Fault (Culpable Book 1)

At eleven thirty, I finally admitted to myself there was no way I was getting any sleep. Since the night before and what had happened with Nicholas, the memory of his kisses and his hands all over me wouldn’t leave me in peace. My mind could think of nothing but him and his lips pressed against mine. I guessed I was glad for the distraction. It was better than wallowing around in my sorrows and my memory of my life from before.

What I didn’t like was being all alone in this huge house. I had no idea where Nicholas was, but I hadn’t seen him leave, even though I’d gotten up at eight.

Why the hell should I care? I didn’t know. Since when did his location matter to me? Probably he was sleeping with one of the easy girls on his list, not even remembering what had happened between us. Was I alone in thinking it was crazy? We were brother and sister or something like it! We lived under the same roof, we couldn’t stand each other, and any memory that wasn’t those kisses and caresses made my blood pressure rise…

But I needed attention. My mother was on the other end of the country, and my friends and the people I’d known all my life were far away. Everything here was new to me; I didn’t even know how to get around this gigantic city. Jenna was inseparable from her boyfriend, so I could forget about having her around too often. And I needed someone just then, someone to talk to or at least be there so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

At least I’d managed to get Nick’s dog to like me. Just then, Thor and I were both lying on the sofa. His dark, hairy head was resting on my lap, and I was scratching his ears at a steady rhythm. That dog was nothing like the way Nick had portrayed him: he was a sweetie, easy to win over as long as you had a handful of dog biscuits at the ready. That was how sad my life was: the one person I could lean on in this house wasn’t even a person, just a four-legged creature that loved to have his ears scratched and whose favorite pastime was chasing a ball over and over.

I was watching a movie on TV when I heard the front door open. Thor was so sleepy he just lifted his ears a bit when a tall figure appeared over the threshold. I saw who it was and felt almost sick.

Nick turned toward the living room and walked over, observing me.

Under the faint light of the TV and the lamp in the entryway, I couldn’t see much, but he was obviously exhausted. He leaned against the doorway and looked at me apathetically.

“What are you doing up?” he asked a few seconds later. I was briefly hypnotized and couldn’t answer. He looked older. Weary. But no less handsome. I tried to focus on the question.

“I couldn’t sleep,” I said warily. It must have been the first time since we met that we’d talked to each other in a remotely normal fashion.

He nodded and looked at Thor.

“I see you’ve got him on your side. My dog’s a traitor.”

I smiled involuntarily when I saw that Nick really seemed irritated.

“You know,” I joked, “it’s not easy to resist my charms.”

Shit.

We paused and looked each other in the eye. Then he turned to the TV.

“Are you seriously watching cartoons?” I was happy for this change of subject.

“Mulan is one of my favorites,” I confessed.

He grinned, and I felt the butterflies in my stomach again.

“Chill, Freckles, it used to be my favorite, too. When I was four years old.” Despite his sarcasm, he came over and flopped down beside me on the sofa, resting his feet next to mine on the coffee table. For a moment, we watched the film in silence.

This was too weird. And just when I thought it couldn’t get more uncomfortable, I noticed Nick was staring at me. I froze, knowing how close together we were. This new Nick had nothing to do with the one I’d met when I arrived. He was so relaxed, with not a trace of that disdainful attitude from before…and in his eyes, there was a sadness he was incapable of hiding.

“Where were you?” I whispered. I had no idea why I’d spoken so softly, but I felt strange asking him. I didn’t want him to know I actually cared what he’d been doing.

“With someone who needs me,” he said, and I knew from his way of speaking that it wasn’t just another one of his girls. “Why, did you miss me?”

I felt him coming closer to me, but I didn’t move away. Something about him being here made me want to smile and had taken away that sorrow, that pressure in my chest, that I had felt the entire day.

“I don’t like being all alone somewhere so big,” I admitted.

His hand stretched across the back of the couch and made me feel like I was suffocating when it tenderly stroked my hair and then my earlobe. Time seemed to stop. I didn’t hear the movie or anything but his respiration and the mad beats of my heart.

“Good thing I’m here then,” he said, and bent over, pressing his lips into mine. It was a warm kiss and full of expectation. I closed my eyes and let the moment take me away, lifting my hands to his face to feel his stubble against the palms of my hands and then his hair. His lips were insistent, and I opened mine and let his tongue inside. I got goose bumps when he reached down past my shoulders, touched my ribs, came to a stop at my waist.

This was nothing like the other night. His touch was warm, soft, as if he were afraid of breaking me. I heard myself moan almost inaudibly as his hand moved from my waist to my back, which I arched almost involuntarily to let him closer to me. Then I acted without thinking at all.

I sat up, stretched a leg across his lap, and rested on top of him. He looked hypnotized and sat up to squeeze me in his arms. Our kissing was deeper now, more eager, and his hands were all over me. But just as I thought I would melt, I stopped, opening my eyes, my mind a blank. That was what he did to me—made me forget everything—and that was exactly what I needed.

I saw he was looking at my lips, and I needed him to kiss them again, but instead he pulled away, turning serious and telling me, “This isn’t right. Don’t let me do this again. You’re my stepsister, and you’re seventeen years old. This can’t happen again.”

He got up and left me on the sofa.

I was angry and hurt. First he kisses me, and then he says these things? And what did my age matter? I wanted him back, wanted him to make me feel good again. I needed him more than ever because this day had been horrible. I’d felt like shit, with no one to talk to, no one I could even call. Everyone I loved either was busy or had betrayed me.

“If you don’t want this to happen,” I said, “stop trying to make it happen. You were the one who started it all three times.”

I shoved past him, shouted, “Come on, Thor,” and went upstairs to my room. I slammed the door and got into bed. But I, too, saw that he was right: it couldn’t happen again.

The next morning, a familiar voice woke me, cradling my ribs and rocking me back and forth.

“Get up! It’s after twelve!” my mother said. I opened my still-sleepy eyes and saw her sitting beside me looking radiant. “Did you miss me?” she asked with a big smile. I smiled back and sat up to hug her. Finally she was home! Of course I’d missed her. She was the one normal thing in my life.

“How was New York?” I asked, stretching out and rubbing my eyes.

“Incredible! It’s the best place ever for shopping. I brought you a ton of presents.”

As I walked to the bathroom, I remarked sarcastically, “Great, Mom! Like I don’t have enough clothes I don’t wear already.”

While I washed my hair and brushed my teeth, she sat on the toilet lid and talked to me about all the amazing places she’d been.

“I’m happy you had such a good time,” I said, walking off to my closet and looking through everything hanging there, uncertain what to put on. It was easier when you didn’t have so many clothes, and that was why I kept going back to my suitcase, which was half-open on the floor. A part of me refused to unpack it because that would mean that all this was real, that I was staying here and there was no turning back.

“We’ve got plans today, Noah, that’s why I came to wake you up.” When I heard the tone in her voice, I was sure I wouldn’t like what she was proposing.

“What plans?” I asked, one hand on my hip.

Walking past me, my mother started looking slowly through the dresses in my closet.

“We’ve got an interview at St. Marie’s.”

“An interview where?”

“At your new school, Noah. I told you, it’s one of the best in the country. Not just anyone can go there, but thanks to William’s contacts and the fact that Nick is an alum, they’ve agreed to meet you,” she said patiently. “It’s just a formality, but you’ll want to see the school, it’s something else.”

I wanted to puke.

“Dammit, Mom! Couldn’t you have just stuck me in some regular school?” I shouted, jerking the hangers back and forth. I was completely freaking out. “I don’t want to go to some stuck-up school, I told you that. Plus, why do I need an interview? It’s not a job, for God’s sake.”

“Noah, don’t start. This is a big opportunity. People who go to that school end up at the best colleges, and they’re willing to let you in as a senior, which isn’t something they usually do.”

“So I’m gonna be the weirdo who got in because I’ve got a hookup? Great, Mom.”

She crossed her arms. That was the gesture she always made when her mind was made up, so I knew there wouldn’t be any more arguing about the subject.

“You’ll thank me in the future. Anyway, your friend Jenna goes to St. Marie’s, so you won’t be on you own.” At least that was one thing I was happy to hear. It was consoling to know that I’d have someone to be with at lunchtime. “Now get dressed. We need to be there in less than two hours.”

I sighed and looked around until I found a pair of black skinny jeans and a sky-blue shirt. I wasn’t about to put on a gown or anything like that. Just the thought of how the girls at that school must dress gave me the creeps.

The one good thing about the outing to visit the school was that afterward, my mother took me to get a new car. I’d had my license for a year, and it broke my heart to have to leave my pickup in Canada, so I had taken all my savings, and with the help of my mother, I was going to get a secondhand car to drive around town. William insisted he would happily buy me a brand-new one, but I had to put my foot down. One thing was him buying my mother stuff or paying for my school and clothes, but the car—that was a different story. I was also thinking of finding a job to cover my expenses. I didn’t like the idea of that man paying for all my stuff like I was a twelve-year-old. I was old enough and capable enough to find a job and take care of myself.

My mother didn’t oppose my decision. She approved of me working. I’d done it since I was fifteen, and I liked not having to beg for money anytime I needed it. She helped me apply for a job waitressing at a well-known spot twenty minutes from our home by car. It was called Bar 48 and served food and drinks; obviously I wasn’t allowed to serve liquor, but they would let me wait on guests. I’d done that before, and I was pretty good at it. I’d start the following week on the night shift.

It didn’t take us long to find a car. I didn’t care much about the details as long as it ran. We chose a vintage Beetle in decent condition. I didn’t know much about cars even though I was good at driving them, but it was cute, and I loved the red paint job. I paid and signed and felt truly free when I could drive myself home.

It was funny parking that little thing between Will’s Mercedes and Nick’s SUV. It was kind of a metaphor for how I fit into the family. I got out in a good mood at the very moment when Nick emerged from the house spinning the keys to his Range Rover on one finger. He took off his sunglasses to look at my new acquisition.

His face was both amused and horrified. I squared off, ready to listen to his comments.

“Please tell me you haven’t brought that car here,” he said, walking over and shaking his head as he looked condescendingly from me to the Beetle and back.

I wasn’t going to let him mess up my good mood, so I bit my tongue and kept the insults to myself.

“It’s my car, I like it, and I’d appreciate you not looking at it like that,” I said, trying to restrain my nerves at seeing him for the first time since we’d made out on the couch.

He looked baffled. Without even asking, he went to the back and opened the trunk to look at the engine.

“What are you doing?” I asked, walking up beside him. I reached up to shut the trunk, but he grabbed it and held it up, ignoring my vain attempts to overcome his strength.

“Did you have it checked out?” he said, manipulating different internal parts I wouldn’t even know the names of. “This hunk of junk will leave you stranded in the middle of the road. It’s dangerous to even look at. I can’t believe your mom let you buy it.”

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time I got stuck in the middle of the road, thanks to you. So don’t worry, I’ll work it out,” I said, peeling off one of his fingers. When he finally gave in, I slammed the trunk shut.

“If you’d had your phone on you like a normal person, you wouldn’t have had to get in the car with some weirdo. Anyway, isn’t it time for you to get over it?” He was hissing at me, but I thought I saw a little regret in his eyes.

“You threw me out without checking whether my phone had any juice,” I said. “Anyway, who cares? Just forget you know me.” I hoped he would finally walk off.

He looked at me as if he could hardly stand me. Great, welcome to the club, I thought.

When I turned to walk away, he grabbed my arm and pulled me till I was face-to-face with him.

His brain must have been in conflict, as if he didn’t know what to do or say. Only after a few seconds, when I’d already yielded to his deep-blue eyes and my heart was throbbing, did he speak.

“I’ll take you wherever you want to go,” he said, knitting his brows, as if not even he could believe what he was saying.

I stalled and then finally responded, “No need.”

Was Nicholas Leister actually being nice to me? Wake yourself up—this can’t be happening.

How could having that boy close do this to me? Where was that hatred I’d felt for him just a few moments ago? Why was it that the only thing I now felt was a dark, irrepressible desire to kiss him and let him wrap me in his arms as he had that night at the party, when he was too drunk to realize what he was doing?

The hand he’d grabbed now moved toward him almost imperceptibly. We were close enough that something could happen. My God…those lips! Just thinking about him holding me and his tongue stroking mine…

Just as I thought we’d kiss, the sound of a horn made me jump out of my skin. Nicholas, calm, turned to see who it was, while I struggled to catch my breath.

“Hey, Noah,” Jenna said from the passenger window of Lion’s car. He waved to us in turn. “Nick, you don’t care if I invite Noah, do you?” she asked. Nick’s hands were on his head in a gesture of something—it was impossible to tell whether it was frustration, anger, or disgust.

He looked at me for what felt like ages before finally asking, “You feel up to it?”

I don’t know why, but I responded automatically.

“Hell yeah. Where to?”

Nick gave Lion a mysterious look.

“I don’t know if she can handle it,” Lion said, laughing as he peeked out the window.

Nick smiled irresistibly. “This could be fun.”

Twenty minutes later, we were getting out of Lion’s car near what looked like an abandoned industrial bay. There were tons of people milling around and cars with their trunks open playing music at full blast. It reminded me of the day of the races, but the ambience was different. Nick’s and Lion’s friends came over and said some very loud hellos. Jenna threw an arm over my shoulders. She was in a tight black dress that left her shoulders and part of her back exposed. Her hair fell over her face in waves and looked spectacular. I felt like a slob in the jeans and shirt I’d put on for the high school interview, but there was nothing I could do about it now.

“You’ll enjoy seeing my man in action,” Jenna said with a smile, eyes glowing. “And Nick, too.” She pulled me through the group of guys talking to Nick and Lion, and when we were inside the circle, I could hear what they were talking about.

“Ronnie’s not here, and no one in his gang is, either,” one of the guys I’d seen during the races said. Nicholas was leaning against his car with a cigarette in his hand, and when Ronnie’s name came up, he looked over at me. Not with rancor this time, but with apparent disappointment at not being able to teach his worst enemy another lesson. From my point of view, Nick was out of his mind if he wanted to get into it with a guy with a gun, but knowing my new stepbrother as I did, I wasn’t surprised to learn he was up for it.

“Greg and A.J. are there, and the stakes are high,” Lion said. Nick grinned, walked away from the car, tossed his cigarette to the ground, and clapped him on the back.

“What are we waiting for then?”

The crowd around us shouted in jubilation. I had no idea what was going on, but I thought I could sense where this was headed, and I didn’t like it one bit.

Everyone walked off toward the warehouse, the doors of which were open. Inside it was crowded, and the music and noise were deafening. Did these people ever do anything on a small scale? Like get a coffee or go to the movies? Immediately I knew the answer was no: Nicholas wasn’t the type to date a girl, invite her out for a romantic meal. Nicholas was all about danger, and he liked being surrounded by people who were the same way. But if that was so, what the hell was I doing with him?

Lion leaned in toward Nick, and I heard him say, “Leave A.J. to me. After what happened, you know I want his ass.” Nicholas nodded and glanced over. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t know what I was doing there.

“I’ll go first, same as always,” he said, and then pushed me away from our group. His fingers gave me chills.

“What are you going to do?” I asked him.

He looked excited.

“I’m going to fight, Freckles. I’m good. People like watching Lion and me fight. But I’m warning you, it’s going to get packed, so stick close to Lion until I’m done and I can take care of you and Jenna.”

He was going to fight. He was going to exchange blows with another guy just for fun. I mean, there was money on the line, but Nicholas didn’t need money—he was a millionaire—so why the hell did he get into these kinds of situations?

“Why are you doing this?” I asked, frightened. I didn’t see any sense in this at all.

“I gotta relax somehow,” he said. He left me there, terrified at what I was about to see.