Moonville Series 1: Secret Lovers

Talking to Richard about how she feels made Alex remember all the things that has happened since Kim Agustin went into their lives. And the memories hurt so much she started tearing up.

"I feel like I'm the third party, the third wheel. I'm the one who's forcing myself to you. I'm the one who's waiting to get noticed by you. I'm the one who's waiting for that time to be with you. I'm the one who's unsure if I'll see you today, or tomorrow, or the next week... I'm the one who's begging for your time."

"I can't understand why you felt like that."

"Kim, you can be with her anytime, anywhere you like. But it's so hard for me to be with you."

"It's because of our situation. You know that we can't just see each other like that, right? We can't even speak with each other that easily."

"I know, and that's what hurts the most. That I know I'm the one you love, but I'm the one who can't be with you. Richard, I'm jealous of Kim because she can do exactly what I want to do - to spend time with you and be with you and talk to you whenever, wherever and however I want. I just can't do that!"

Alex burst into tears, and Richard felt so bad because of disappointment.

"You knew from the beginning that this will not be easy."

"I know. You didn't force me, and I agreed with this set up even though I know it will be hard. But Richard, I feel like... like you suddenly let go."

"I let go? But you're the one who avoided me!"

"Because I felt like you're slowly going away... away from me, towards Kim."

"That's not true." It was almost a whisper. He's frustrated and irritated as to how Alex is reacting.

"You chose to be with Kim so that Terrence Mendoza will stop bugging her, than to be with me."

Richard felt totally irritated. "Is it just that? Alex, your reasoning is so dense. You can be with us. You can hang out with us."

Alex was dumbfounded.

"What? Kim is nice. She can be your friend. I won't continue hanging out with her if she's not nice."

"Are you really that insensitive?" It was Alex's turn to be frustrated.

"That I don't understand! What's wrong with being friends with her?"

"Richard! Oh my god, Richard!" Alex sat down. "Are you even thinking? Those moments that I want to be with you, just you and me together, you want Kim to join us? We don't have lots of time together, and then you want Kim to hang out with us? Oh my God, Richard..."

Richard kind of understood her point. Right, they only steal those moments to be together, then someone will join them and share with that precious time they have.

But, how about Kim?

"Aren't you worried about Kim? Aren't you worried that Terrence Mendoza will not stop disturbing her?"

"I don't care about Kim!" Alex is already mad. "I don't care whoever disturbs her. Who is she anyway? Why do I have to consider her situation? She doesn't have any effect on my life!" "That is very selfish of you, Alex."

"Selfish? Richard, we only have limited time together. Do I still need to share it with others? Yeah, maybe I'm selfish. But do I need to think about other people all the time? Can't I think of my own happiness? Can't I not share the little time I have with the person I want to be with? Can't I keep the person I love only to myself?"

Richard was taken aback. Alex... She loves him! Everything seemed to change when he heard what she said.

"Richard, I'm jealous, yes; but what are you doing to make me feel that I should not feel that way? What are you doing to not make me feel jealous? I don't need a perfect boyfriend, Richard. I just want a boyfriend that's perfect for me. A boyfriend who will make me feel that I don't need to worry that someone might own his heart."

"Alex..." He suddenly doesn't know what to say.

"Maybe... Maybe, Richard, this is really not for us. Anyway, from the very beginning, we know this is wrong. It's wrong for us to love each other. Maybe we shouldn't have continued."

Oh no... Is it happening again? "Don't say you're giving up on me again."

Alex shook her head. "I'm not even sure anymore if it's worth fighting for."

Richard was stunned.

"I think I can't do this anymore, Richard."

"No! Don't say that!" He held her arms. "Don't give up!"

"Richard, it's getting harder for me."

"I... I will fix this! If you don't want me to be friends with Kim, then I'll avoid her."

Alex shook her head. "Your life is easier with Kim, than with me. With her, you can act normally. You don't need to hide; you don't need to think of anything else. You don't need to worry that someone might see you. Your parents will not get mad even if they found out about your relationship."

"What's this? Are you pushing me to Kim?"

"She will be perfect for you. She's beautiful, she's nice, she's kind-"

"Damn it, Alex!"

Alex was stunned.

"I don't want Kim. It's you that I want. I love you, Alex. You're the one that I want to be with. You're the one that I want to love."

"But it's wrong. Richard, this is wrong."

"You're telling me that now? Now that we're already in love with each other?"

Alex was able to get out of his grasp.

"I'm sorry, Richard. I want you to be happy."

"How can you say that? I can only be happy if I'm with you. You're the one I love, and you're the one I want to love. You can't choose whom to love. You can't make your heart fall in love that easily. Alex, I love you and you're the one that my heart wants to love."

Alex shook her head. "It's getting hard for me."

Richard gazed at her. With that look on her face, he can sense the heartache that she's feeling. He doesn't want to admit it, but he knows that's because of him. That's because of the love that she's feeling for him. And he doesn't want her to continue hurting.

"So, you're saying that we should just give up. Just like that?" He suddenly felt weary, like all his strength suddenly disappeared.

"I guess it's just not meant to be."

Richard suddenly felt angry.

"How will we know what's meant to be? What I know is that when I first saw you, I felt you're someone that I want to love." "Maybe, Kim came to our lives to make us realize that this is wrong from the beginning. That we shouldn't have continued." "What if you're wrong? What if it's meant to be?"

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"So you really want to end this, huh?"

Alex's answer was almost a whisper.

"...Yes."

Richard felt like his entire world crumbled. It seems like he can't do anything about it anymore.

"It seems that you're already decided even before I asked you to talk to me. And you didn't even bother telling me that?"

"I can't do it."

"You can't do it, or you don't want to do it? You don't want to face me, but it's okay to leave me hanging and confused as to what the real problem is, where I went wrong." "That's not true!"

"Really? Alex, how long have you been feeling jealous? You didn't even bother telling me. Because what you want, is for you to be always thought of. That people around you always consider your feelings, what you like, how you are. You don't think about how the people around you feel and you don't even care to ask them and confront them to fix the situation. Alex, when was the last time you thought about how your Ate Angel is? Thinking about it, she always thinks about how you are. But for once, did you even consider how she is?"

Alex was not able to answer.

"Did you even think even just for once how I am? Did you ever wonder why I did not even think that my friendship with Kim is wrong? Did you ever thought of telling me the mistake I'm doing so that I could correct it? So that it won't look like I'm the only one who is at fault."

Alex looked down.

"Maybe... maybe I really was wrong. Maybe I was really stupid. Maybe I was really insensitive. But, why didn't you tell me? Why did you decide without making us fix it first? Or, do you really want this to get fixed? Maybe you just really want to end this?" Alex shook her head.

"Alex, you were hurt. I've hurt you. But I'm also hurting. Because for me, until this moment, I'm still fighting. Fighting for that thing that we tried to make possible. But you, you have already let go. You have already given up. You have left me hanging alone. And it hurts. So bad. It hurts so much to be left alone!"

Richard feels so bad right now. He feels like a soldier who was abandoned by his comrades in a war and left to be killed by their foe. He is so upset to learn that there's nothing more he's fighting for. It turns out that the person he was fighting for has already given up on him.

So even if he doesn't want to, he can only think of one thing to do. Alex left him hanging, and that's also what he is thinking of doing. He is thinking of leaving her alone, to let her think whatever she wants to think. He feels so bad he wants to avenge himself against her for leaving him hanging.

He walked away.