Moonlit Surrender

As quietly as she could, Lucy opened the front door to the home Ben had paid for and arranged the building of in the hopes of starting a family in, a family with her. She stepped into a dark foyer and saw no other lights on in the adjacent

rooms.

"Was that him?" Ben's voice accused suddenly, haunting the darkness somewhere in the living room.

She about jumped out of her skin, mistakenly believing him to be in bed. "What?" she asked confused, trying to find him by the dim streetlight casting its orange glow through the bay windows. "Was that him?" he enunciated once again, this time more sternly. "Your professor you've been seeing."

Her heart stopped in her chest, caught red handed, as guilty as could be, John's kiss still wet on her lips. He knew and now she knew he knew, but still, some animal part of her that was backed into the corner tried to fight her way out of the situation. "My professor?" she feigned ignorance, poorly.

The table side lamp by the couch clicked on and white light filled the room, blinding Lucy for a moment.

"Can we just stop with all the fucking lies? I know, Lucy. I know everything. I found your damn box of lies under the bed and I know you've been fucking your professor. That was his sweater under there too, right? And I know you were with him tonight." He held up his phone to show a short text conversation with a number she didn't recognize. "The night custodian at your school used to work for me. You stick out like a sore thumb in this town." He tossed his phone to the other side of the couch disgusted. "He saw you two together tonight. Funny how you would've gotten away with it if you'd have given up this ridiculous gothic bullshit like I told you to. Hopefully, it was all worth it."

Her mouth went dry and she knew she needed to speak, to say something, anything really, but not a single word formed on her tongue. Stuck in the arched entryway between the living room and the foyer, she stood awkwardly, fighting the urge to flee the conflict and run as far away as her legs could take her and then hide away in some dark cave until he forgot her name and she forgot what she had done to him.

"Nothing? Do you have anything to say for yourself?" he watched her dejectedly from his seat on the couch, oscillating between rage and despair.

Shakily, she forced herself to enter the room, but quickly collapsed into the nearest chair in front of the windows. She sighed heavily, but still no words came.

“I just...” He trailed off as he sighed and leaned forward onto his knees. “I just wish you would have told me you were unhappy."

"I tried," she finally answered.

He scoffed.

"I really did," she defended. "I tried so many times, but I just couldn't find the words. How do you tell the person you love that you can't live the life they've been so carefully building for you? How do you tell someone you can't be what they want?"

"Is that what it is? You don't want to be a part of my life anymore?"

"It's not that simple, Ben," she groaned. "I just... I don't fit into this picture you've created of our future."

"You can't fucking marry me?" he sneered in disbelief. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was asking so much of you."

"It's what goes along with being your wife. You want me to give up all that I am and resign myself to living a life of seclusion in your kitchen, popping out children for you. I'm not that person."

He stood up in outrage and began to pace the room. "I think that's being a little dramatic, Lu. I asked you to marry me and start a family together, not to lock you up in a dungeon as some sort of sex slave."

She fidgeted with her fingers in her lap. "Are you happy, Ben?"

"What?"

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"Are you even happy with me? You've been so hellbent on making this image of what your future should be a reality, the perfect house, the perfect homemaker and wife, the perfect set of children, but did you ever stop and question whether or not you even want that with me? We've been together so long and maybe that's why we just kept staying together, but maybe I'm not supposed to be the one you have that future with."

"Of course I wanted that with you!" he snapped indignantly. "I love you! I wanted to make a life with you. I wanted those things with you."

"I don't have those things to give you though, Ben! You're trying to fit a square peg into a circle hole, that's why it's always been so hard. Hasn't it been hard? Every step we've taken together has been agonizing, fighting over college, the wedding date, whether or not my having a career is even worth it if I'm just going to get pregnant immediately."

"Relationships are work, Lucy. Good things don't come easily. I've worked my ass off to get where I am in my career to afford you this nice house and to support you so not working is even an option. Most women would be thrilled with what I have to offer."

She shrugged in defeat and mumbled, "I'm not most women."

He raked his hand through his dusty blond hair and returned to his seat on the couch. "I just don't know what more I could've given you."

"I think maybe," she started hesitantly, unsure if her words would set him off again, "that we just got older and started wanting different things."

"You," he corrected. "You started wanting different things." He paused and absentmindedly picked a piece of lint off his khakis. "I just can't believe you actually slept with someone else. It's not like I haven't been tempted or had opportunities, but you've always had my loyalty."

"I'm sorry," she replied softly.

"I hope he was fucking spectacular because it cost you a marriage. I think we're done now."

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Spectacular doesn't begin to describe John Wright, she thought.

"And it's not like you can even have a future with him," he added with disapproval weighing his brow, a vicious glint in his eye. "Isn't he like a hundred years old?" "More like three," she corrected under her breath with a withheld smirk.

"This thing you've given everything up for is just a fling. It'll be over so fast and then you'll see everything you missed out on."

"Sure, just a phase, right?" she mocked. "Because everyone knows how quickly I burn through phases and flings and flake out on shit."

"Well you sure as fuck flaked out on our relationship." He rose once more to his feet, anger tightening his jaw. "I'm going to go stay with a buddy until you can find somewhere else to go, and you better believe I want that goddamn ring back."

"It's on the dresser."

"Of course it is, because it's never on your goddamn finger."

She sighed and let him have his final word and storm out of the room and up the stairs to pack a duffel bag of essentials while she sat quietly, listening to the sound of him stomping around and slamming drawers and closets before exiting with one final slam of the front door.

Maybe her love had been closed off from him for some time, maybe somewhere inside her had already left him long ago, but still she felt her heart grieve as she listened to the sound of his car engine start up and then fade away down their street. An era of her life was over, nothing left from it but the black clothes she had entered into it with, and how strangely it had begun, a teenage fairytale all on its own. When she was younger, she thought she had been living a dream, paired up as lab partners with the popular jock, noticed by the hot guy every other girl drew their name in hearts with in their notebooks. Ben's parents had been going through a divorce then and perhaps he had found more substance in the social reject than all their vapid peers that worshiped him. Lucy offered him the space to lament and vent and they bonded over their broken homes, her own parents a different sort of mess though still together. Then, though she couldn't pinpoint when, he healed. It wasn't sudden, but by the time she noticed, it was like a switch had been flipped in him and, egged on by his brother's success, all he could think about was the American dream: perfect wife, picket fence, babies, but Lucy had not changed with him. The phase of the cool, quarterback Ben with the dreamy hair and heart of gold was officially ended now. Whatever new era was beginning, she couldn't say, but it felt darker.