Manipulate

Sun streams through the window and it’s quiet. Soft snores escape from Theo as he sleeps. His arm is still wrapped around my stomach, and the other arm is behind my head. He held me through the night.

An alarm blares next to me and I jump. Theo stirs next to me and groans, not wanting to wake up. He buries his head in between my shoulder blades for a moment, his eyelashes flutter against my back.

“Morning,” I whisper, turning over to face Theo.

“Morning,” Theo whispers, smiling at me as we face each other.

The alarm keeps blaring and Theo pulls me closer to him. He runs a hand over my shoulders and I shudder. I press my face to his chest and sigh. The one night that I slept well was fantastic but my body is still exhausted and begging for more sleep.

“Are you good, Phoenix? You can’t be cold. Can’t you?” he asks.

“I’m good,” I say. “I’m not cold; just comfortable.”

Theo chuckles. “Good. You’re awfully warm, too.”

I smile against his shirt. “I think that we need to get up. What time is it?”

“Let’s see… it’s six-ten. I set the alarm twenty minutes before breakfast.”

“It takes you twenty minutes to get ready in the morning?” I ask.

“Yes. Do you think that you could take less time?” Theo challenges, resting his chin on top of my head.

“Perhaps,” I say.

Theo laughs softly. It’s weird being this close to someone. Theo unwraps his arms from me and rolls over. I yawn and sit up, stretching my arms and back as I do so. Theo kicks the covers back and stands up, stretching, too.

I rub the sleep from my eyes and pull my boots on. I stand up and begin to exit the apartment, hearing water run as I leave. I open the door and the halls are dead silent. I begin to make my way down the stairs.

As I near the cafeteria, I hear two female voices. They belong to Rae and Alia. I stop and duck behind a corner.

“If Donatella is looking for us, we have to protect Abhaya,” Alia whispers, her words sharp and clear.

“Alia, I understand. But Abhaya is strong. She placed third out of fifty in physical training! If we need to protect her from Donatella, we will. I promise,” Rae says, her voice confident.

“What about her family? We have to help them somehow,” Alia urges, her voice cracking at the word ‘family’.

“I understand, Alia. I was going to contact Aj later. He’s been helping us by sending us information about Donatella. But first, we should eat. It’s too early to be discussing this topic without eating.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Alia walks off, her sneakers hitting against the ground.

I press my lips together. This isn’t good but I have to stay hidden for now. No one knows about this and I shouldn’t know either.

If we have to fight Donatella, I’ll be the one to kill her. No one will be harmed by her. And if it kills me, literally, so be it.

I keep walking toward the cafeteria, avoiding human contact. Outside the cafeteria doors, Rae stands there dressed in a black T-shirt, black jeans, and maroon heels. Her hair is slicked into a ponytail and her posture is straight and confident.

“Morning, Rae,” I greet.

“Good morning, Abhaya.” Rae turns to face me. “How are you this morning?”

“Hungry but good. How are you?” I ask, my voice light.

“I’m fantastic.” Rae smiles brightly. “Are you-”

Then, a stampede of fourteen people, led by Nick come dashing down the hall. Rae shakes her head in disappointment. When they stop, I feel Nick’s eyes burn into my back.

The doors to the cafeteria open and we pile in. The tables are piled with toast, pastries, apples, coffee, water, milk, eggs, and bacon. We begin to find seats and eat. Next to the podium is a blackboard that’s covered with a black cloth with a phoenix embroidered on it. It’s the rankings board. I sit down and busy myself with the task of plating my breakfast.

“Where were you last night, Abhaya?” Nick asks, standing behind me.

I whip around and my ponytail smacks Nick in the face. He covers his eyes and yelps out in pain. I scowl.

“Can you stay out of my business?” I demand, raising my eyebrows.

“It was just a question, yeesh,” Nick responds, acting offended. “But where were you last night?”

“It’s none of your business,” I state coolly, squaring my shoulders.

“Hi, again,” Theo says, sitting down next to me.

“Hey. I hope that I didn’t make you uncomfortable last night,” I say, hoping that he isn’t bothered by it.

“It’s fine, Abhaya,” Theo says, looking at me as he picks up a pastry. “Don’t worry. So, are you ready for the final rankings?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I say nervously.

Theo smiles at me and I pick up a slice of toast. I place it on my plate and pour myself a cup of coffee. I turn around and see Rae standing in her usual spot next to the podium. Her posture is confident and her face shows excitement.

“Everyone, congratulations to our initiates who have completed Stage One of training! I just want to say that deciding the rankings were very tough. Now, let’s unveil the rankings!” Rae exclaims.

The cloth comes down, revealing our rankings. One through fifty are written neatly next to our names. My heart hammers in my chest as my eyes scan the board.

TID Physical Training

1.Nick

2.Lee

3.Abhaya

4.Peter

I raise my eyebrows and blink rapidly. Third? I heard Rae and Alia talking about it earlier, but I thought that they weren’t serious. Surprise and shock take control of me.

Theo’s hand finds mine on my lap and squeezes it. His hand is warm and comforting. My heart slows down and I take a breath.

I want to tell him that I like him but that seems pointless. I’ll just make myself look like a fool in front of him.

Theo removes his hand from mine and I feel cold. I begin to silently eat my toast. The cafeteria is filled with cheers and glee.

“Nice job, Abhaya,” Theo comments, breaking the wall of silence between us down.

“Thank you,” I say, looking at him.

Theo smiles softly at me. Then he turns away. A sharp tap on my shoulder causes me to turn around hastily.

“Oh, sorry about that, Abhaya,” Alia says. “Congratulations on your rank, though.”

“Oh, thank you,” I say, surprised.

Alia’s cheerful face falters in two seconds flat. “You need to be careful in Stage Two,” she says. “Nick and Lee are already suspicious of you due to you beating Nick in a fight another day. I know that it seems idiotic and sexiest, but girls hardly ever rank top in their units. It happens occasionally, but guys tend to take over. So just watch your step. Okay?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I say with a nod.

“Good.” She nods her head. “Mind if I sit here?”

“Go ahead.”

Alia sits down next to me and begins to help herself to breakfast and coffee. I hate starting conversations and I’m awful at starting them, too.

“How are you and Max doing?” I ask, taking a sip of coffee.

“Pretty good, actually,” Alia says, her voice happy. “So, are you interested in anyone?”

I nearly choke on my coffee. The hot and bitter liquid burns my throat like the lie I’m about to tell. “No.”

“Really?” Alia presses, smirking slightly. “I know someone who likes you.”

“No way,” I scoff. “No one would ever like me.”

Alia gives me the ‘oh really look?’ Then, we burst out laughing. My eyes catch Theo’s. We hold eye contact for a moment before he looks away from me.

We’re dismissed and my body is bursting with energy. I tuck my hands into the sleeves of Theo’s sweatshirt and smile like a fool at the ground as I walk.

“You look happier today, Abhaya,” Mia says as we walk to the training room.

“I’m always happy,” I say, dismissing the point.

“No. Really, you do,” she says. “It’s good to see you smile and let loose, though.”

#

Every time I go through my hallucination, it becomes easier. I learn to breathe and control my thoughts. But I still struggle to control the power of manipulation.

I only have one fear that I haven’t learned how to control, yet. I haven’t found a way to control the fear where I’m in the closet and Donatella finds me. I can’t find a way to fight it. It’s just too real.

I know that I’ll find a way to fight it. But I won’t ever overcome it until Donatella is eliminated from my life and the world’s.

“You’re improving quite well,” Theo states, not looking at me. “But you’re still struggling to get past one of them, though.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Maybe some fears are more realistic to us. You can’t be fearless; it’s impossible. Something or someone is always going to haunt you.”

Theo looks at me, his eyebrows raised. Then he shakes his head. “I guess that is true. Where did you learn that?”

“A book,” I say. “In a book I read, I learned that you can overcome a fear, but it’ll live in your mind forever.”

Theo looks at me and smiles. “Books? I bet that you spent a good deal of your time in the library in school.”

“Yes, I did,” I admit. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, not at all.” Theo looks back at the computer monitor.

I tuck my hands into the sweatshirt Theo gave me last night. I don’t want to give it back. I want to steal it and claim it as mine. It’s comfortable and it’s a freaking sweatshirt for crying out loud! Theo turns back around and smiles at me. I feel my face turn pink.

“Are you planning on stealing that from me?” Theo asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Perhaps,” I say, smiling and making eye contact with Theo.

“Go ahead,” he says with a slight chuckle. “You seem to be attached to it.”

“It’s a sweatshirt!” I exclaim. “Of course, I’m going to be attached to it,” I joke, Theo laughs. “Seriously. I stole Aj’s black sweatshirt and didn’t give it back to him for a whole year.”

“Keep it as long as you want to, Phoenix,” Theo says. “I have more.”

“Thank you,” I say. “It’s insanely comfortable.”

Theo chuckles at my comment. He shakes his head as I stand up, exhaling. Everyone waits outside the Hallucination Room, tapping their toes, twiddling their fingers, or a combination of both. I sit down in a chair and smooth my leggings out. I honestly hope that no one hears our conversation.

That type of conversation between an instructor and an initiate would be weird. As I wait for the Lunch bell to ring, I flip my hair in front of me and redo my ponytail to burn time.

#

Lunch comes and goes. We return to sitting outside the Hallucination Room, where we’ll be for the rest of training for the day and for the rest of Stage Two.

Earlier, Max told everyone that we would be going through our hallucinations twice a day. One after breakfast and then again after lunch. Then, we’re free for the rest of the evening.

I’m called in again and I take a deep breath. The door closes behind me and it’s the same routine. Injection, falling, fighting, wake up.

#

My body is falling like usual. The wind howls in my ears and my arms are outstretched, like a phoenix’s wings. Everything inside of me wants it to stop but I can’t and won’t let it happen. Instead, I let myself fall; I don’t let it control me.

I land on my feet and feel a sharp tap on my shoulder. The bony finger gives away the person. I know that touch anywhere. I turn around and see Donatella standing in front of me, grinning. She holds a butter knife and begins to twirl it between her fingers. Aj stands next to her, blood trickling down his neck. She cut him.

“NO!” I scream, lunging for the knife out of anger.

I push Aj to the side and push Donatella to the ground. I pin her knife hand to the ground and breathe heavily. I don’t want it to happen but it does. I manipulate the hallucination.

Another knife appears to my left and I use my foot to bring it toward me. I pick the knife up and drive it into her heart. Blood gushes and squirts out of her body and covers me.

I look for Aj but I don’t see him. Every part of me screams to look for him but I know it’s useless. He’s the only sibling I have and if I lose him, I lose my childhood best friend. The only person that understood and protected me.

I begin to fall again. I’ve learned not to fight; only to breathe and be prepared for the next fear. I don’t resist.

I’ve learned how to combine two fears into one. Drowning and confinement. The glass walls around me begin to shrink and cold water begins to soak through my pants. Everything inside of me wants to scream but I don’t let that happen.

I’ll overcome this fear. I will.

I place my fingertips on the glass. The water is now up to my waist and I want to panic. The walls around me have stopped moving. I close my eyes and concentrate on stopping the water.

The water stops and I’m free. Free of the weight of the water that was holding me under.

I wake up and the muscles in my jaw are clenched. I run a hand over my face and exhale. That attracts Theo’s attention and he looks at me.

“You’re learning,” is all he says. “Good job.”

“Thanks,” I mumble.

I stand up and leave. I hate the hallucinations but at the same time, they’re kind of fun. I feel Theo’s eyes follow me as I exit.

I walk to the training room. It’s deserted. I smile and find myself walking toward the closet to retrieve archery equipment. I pick up a bow and it feels natural.

Growing up, I was either practicing archery or reading in the library. Those were the best times. I remember the worn feeling and the scent of aging paper or calluses and bruises on my arms and fingertips from archery.

I pick the bow up and nock and arrow. I hold the bow in my right hand and pull the string back with my left. I feel free.

It feels good to take a breath. I don’t care about the rest of the unit; this is what I want to do. I’ve always had a burning passion for archery, thanks to my aunt. Archery was something I did after school for fun. It was an escape from the misery.

The arrow flies through the air and hits the target. I smile. I made Aj do archery once… it didn’t work out that well. I shoot the rest of the arrows in two minutes, hitting the bullseye every time.

I hear the door open and I spin around. Rae stands there, smiling at me. I lower the weapon and she walks toward me. Then, she stops and looks at the target then back at me. I see a spark in her eye.

“You are so much like your mother, Abhaya,” Rae says, her voice filled with admiration. “Here, set the bow down; we need to talk.”

I set the bow down hesitantly. “Okay.” Hesitation creeps into my voice.

Rae guides me toward a wall and sits down. I feel stupid but I follow her. She smooths her hair and exhales a breath that sounds like she’s been holding it for ages. I sit tensely, like I did something wrong.

“Abhaya, the Government is looking for you,” Rae states, her voice monotone.

I clench my jaw. I want to apologize but that would seem weak. I take the statement like it’s a blow to the face. “Why are you telling me this?” I question, my voice low.

“Because Aj told me. He wants you to stay here and keep a low profile.” Rae looks at me, her face is solid as stone. “You’ve done very well with your training, Abhaya and I know that you would kill Donatella; even Aj does, too.”

“How do they know that I’m missing? Didn’t Dad come up with an excuse? Like what he did when Mom left me eleven-years-ago?”

“Abhaya, Donatella is smart. She’ll figure out fairly quickly that you’ve been gone for nearly two months! That woman will find answers herself. Even if it means killing the citizens of St. Louis herself.”

I press my lips together. Thank God that I’m not standing up. I would have stumbled backward. I think. If I never would have left home, none of this would have happened. Snap out of it, I scold myself. You can’t blame yourself; you have to be a badass who doesn’t give a shit about others when it comes to saving those you love.

“Abhaya, none of this is your fault. Don’t worry,” Rae coaxes.

“I know,” I say, making my voice sound stronger and firmer. “It’s just I- Donatella has been part of my life and she still is. I’m the one who has to kill her. I mean it, Rae. I will. Even if it kills me.”