Mafia Kings: Valentino: Chapter 114
As the priest kept going on and on, I silently screamed at myself.
GO!
DO IT!
YOU COWARD!
But something held me back.
At first I thought it was the fear of walking out there in front of Don Rosolini and Niccolo –
Not to mention a lot of other scary mafia people.
I wondered if I was afraid of dying –
But that wasn’t it.
I knew that if it came down to it, I would die for Valentino. And I’d do it happily, as long as he held me in his arms as I slipped away, and the last thing I got to see was the love in his eyes.
Then I wondered if it was because I was ashamed.
Of making a scene –
Of being the ‘other woman’ –
Of crashing in somewhere I obviously wasn’t wanted.
But that wasn’t it, either.
I would’ve done anything to be with him.
I would’ve borne any insult, been shamed within an inch of my life –
If he would just love me in the end.
That’s when I finally realized what I was afraid of:
That he didn’t love me.
That if I went out there and made a grand gesture, he’d ask me coldly, Why are YOU here?
You’re not wanted.
It’s over.
GO AWAY.
He’d chosen his family over me.
He’d chosen a woman he didn’t even love over me.
I’d tried, I’d begged, I’d pleaded with him to love me –
But all of his actions showed he didn’t.
And that was what I couldn’t face.
I couldn’t go out there with my heart exposed and have him say, You’re embarrassing me.
I don’t want you here.
LEAVE.
When he first told me about the arranged marriage and left for Sicily, it nearly killed me.
And when I walked out of the chapel yesterday, that had almost finished the job.
I couldn’t stand in front of him and play the fool again.
I loved him…
But it was obvious he didn’t love me back.
Not enough, anyway.
And so I stayed there in the confessional booth, weeping for the love I’d lost…
The man I’d never get to marry…
And the fact that he’d never really loved me at all.