Lycan's Affection

"I'm sorry that I couldn't hold on to you..."

Conaan slowly walked to his chamber, his eyes low. The place was dark, defying the light outside, betraying the feelings he had found no outlet for just yet.

The letter still clutched in his hand, he walked slowly to the bed, then sat on the very edge. Like he felt it like thorns, he slowly let himself down, so he was sitting on the floor, his hair, unruly fell on his sides.

He took a deep breath, as he leaned back, his back hitting the edge of the bed, his fingers slowly working around the edges of the paper. It opened under his fingers, and he brought it close, his eyes slightly blurred as his emotions slowly started to leak out of them.

He swallowed, reading the very first line.

"If you are reading this, then I failed you. If you are reading this, this is the goodbye I never wanted to say. If you are reading this, just know that I lived for you."

Conaan's lips parted as he tried to breathe, his breath sucked in so sharp, his body trembled from the lack of air, his lips sucked in. He closed his eyes, bringing his knees to himself, his hands resting on them.

The whimpers seemed to come from someone else, not him. Maybe that way, maybe that way, he could still run to Brandon and hope there would be someone, Brandon waiting for him in the end.

He brought the paper back to his eyes, everything starting to make sense. The well wishes that had sounded like a farewell. The way he had felt a sense of loss, the wistful smile Brandon gave him before he left. Could he have known?

"I remember the very first time I met you, like it had not been over twenty five years now. In my very young mind, you were beautiful. Then I hadn't known I would still find you just as beautiful. I did know one thing, however. That I would love you."

Conaan felt his chest tighten, like the world was weighing down on his heart, like his heart would be crushed under the weight.

"You were like the sun. You never raised your voice. You had the best smile. And I loved everything that made you happy. You were a prince and I, your very best friend, and nothing has ever made me happier. Nothing has ever given me purpose. Watching you up close, sometimes, comforting you. I wish I could take all of that pain for you. I wished the world would stop putting a frown on your face."

Conaan stopped, realizing the letter was over halfway through. He wished to stay here, frozen in place forever, so he would listen to Brandon over and over again like it hadn't all come to an end. The tears were a blurry mess now, his body heating up rapidly, his skin reddened from how much he felt.

Yet, he was still holding in so much, so much, and he knew he would never ever be able to truly express the blankness, the void Brandon had just left.

"I wish things had been smooth. I would have loved your children. I would have loved your kingdom, and most of all, I would have loved you longer. But maybe the way we both could not predict everything, yet tackled it all...I am sorry I have to let you continue on your own. I am sorry I could not hold on to you. If I had my way, if I knew how to change destiny...I...would be by your side forever. Even if someone else made you happier. Even if I was not always the reason you smiled. Just...as long as you smiled, Conaan. As long as you are happy. I hope I make it to you one last time. And I am not hoping you come meet me. I want you to live. I just hope...that you never forget me. I love you, brother. With all of eternity, I love you."

Eleanor stood outside Conaan's chamber, her head low. She stayed there, not quite knowing what to do, not quite knowing where to go.

Slowly, she turned the door knob, then walked in, closing the door behind her.

She could see Conaan's silhouette in the dark. His knees drawn to him, each hand dangling off them, his head low, his hair shielding her view of him.

He was completely silent, the sort of silent that unnerved her. The sort of silent that resonated in the entire room, breaking her even more.

Seeing Brandon like that was traumatizing, even for her. She had not known him that long, but Conaan had his entire life and suddenly...

She swallowed, sniffing the tears away as she walked to him. She went straight on her knees, her head leaning so she could try meeting his eyes.

"Conaan?" She hated how shaky her voice was. How was she supposed to comfort him when she was breaking down too?

He did not reply, but she felt his breath dip, and she moved even further towards him, her trembling hands coming to his face.

It was wet, wetter than she had expected, and it only drove her to cup his face even harder, slowly lifting his face to her.

"My baby..." She whispered, tears running down her own cheeks, as he slowly met her eyes.

His dark green eyes were surrounded by a layer so dark red she could have sworn his eyes were always like that. Veins popped out of his forehead, like a visual representation of how broken he was, like it was showing all of the cracks there was.

"Conaan..." She said again, moving even closer, her thumb running along his face.

He was broken, and this time, she was neither the reason, nor the cure, and she found just how helpless she really was.

Slowly she let go of his face, then wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him to her shoulder, his head burying in the crook of her neck.

"Say something," she said, her voice cracking more times than she could count. "I will be here, just say something. Anything."

He was still silent, his body weak, but his hand slowly wrapped around her too, his fingers lacing into her hair.

It started as small whimpers, one that was accompanied loyally by the drizzling rain outside. The kingdom clouded over, darkening, the clouds rising and surging above the skies.

"Conaan," she said again, just as he swallowed, then broke down.

He had been mere skin held up by pools and pools of tears, and once he could not hold it up anymore, once the clouds got too heavy to carry and it pelted down, he was left rather empty.

He broke down like Brandon would be the last thing he cried for, the last thing he would mourn, and he had nothing to lose once those tears ended and he became a walking beast.

Eleanor struggled hard to hold on to him, his screams deafening, the pain tearing through him like he had never felt anything else. No physical pain could measure up. Nothing could hurt as much.

Maybe one.

Maybe the very last sentence in the letter, the very one that had shattered his heart.

"I would die for you."