Lustful Hearts

I woke up in complete hell. There was no other explanation to describe the explosion that had detonated inside my head.

It hurt even to breathe.

I opened my eyes and winced. The ringing sensation inside my ears and lack of visual focus was relentless. I grimaced at the smallest shred of sunlight breaking through the curtain, now viciously torturing me. Even the slightest movement sent a whole new surge of pain through my body.

I was in hell.

I battled to bite back the nausea, each swallow felt like tiny shards of glass down my tight raw throat. It was my first humdinger of a hangover and one I wasn't keen to replicate anytime soon.

I closed my eyes, willing sleep to takeover to transport me to a place where such pain didn't exist. But flashbacks of the night before soon invaded my brain.

My body filled with a new level of disgust, reliving his touch and breath against my face. My stomach rolled and, my throat began to wretch trying to dispel every memory of the night before.

My phone bleeped, and I grimaced at even the lowest level of decibel. I cracked my eyes slightly open, trying to regain some focus on the bright glare of the phone screen.

My thumb stabbed blindly, and I somehow managed to click open the message. It was from Elijah asking if I'd gotten home safely.

Tears filled my eyes at his little act of compassion. I knew he would be devastated if I told him the truth. He didn't need to be tortured by my own foolish mistake.

Staying with David had been my choice, and I would never let Elijah carry the burden of my own consequences.

As far as I was concerned, Elijah would never find out the true extent of what had happened that night. I would fight to keep it secret and protect my best friend from knowing the cruel and heartbreaking truth.

My reply back was a simple response, using my hangover from hell as the perfect excuse. I needed to avoid him until I managed to pull myself together. I knew any lengthy delay past a day would arouse suspicions, and he'd start to dig a little deeper.

My eyes filled with tears, the torment was too much to take. Why didn't I just go home with him? Swiping away another tear away, I slipped out of the warm covers and made my way for another gruelling, lengthy shower.

I stood for twenty minutes under the scorching hot spray, each droplet burned torturously against my skin. I scrubbed over every endless inch of my body in a desperate attempt to get clean.

My skin was raw, yet the dirt remained. No amount of soap and water would ever be enough to remove the ingrained shame. The sore sensation between my legs was a constant reminder of where he had been, what he had took.

I hated him.

He had preyed on me, catching me at my weakest, and went in for the kill.

After resembling some kind of prune, I dragged myself out the shower and pulled on some clothes. I quickly tied my hair in a knot, avoiding the pale tortured face in the mirror.

I had to leave this room. The walls were slowly closing in on me, and I had to escape it all.

I needed some fresh air and was hoping it would relieve some of the chaos in my head. Plus the mixture of bacon and eggs wafting through the house was enough to make me heave.

I grabbed my coat almost turning green in the process. The thought of any form of food passing my lips called for a swift exit.

I headed in no particular direction, opting to see where my feet took me. My mind began to wander into those dark places I feared the most.

I had always been my own worst critic, feeling inadequate or chastising myself for my stupid mistakes, but last night had been my biggest one of all.

I had let someone, in my most vulnerable state, take advantage and steal a piece of me I would never get back.

I despised David with every bone in my body. My stomach churned with the hate and loathing I felt inside.

The cool breeze was soothing against my cheeks. I bit back the sickness, while my feet kept on pushing me forward. A loud car horn brought my mind back into focus, and my head snapped up. My heart instantly began beating faster at the familiar surroundings. I was standing outside of Joel's old pub.

I took out my ear buds and gazed through the window watching all the people milling away inside.

Was this where I was meant to be?

Had fate led me here?

Maybe subconsciously at this moment I needed to feel close to him.

Several minutes passed before I felt certain I was brave enough to enter.

Grabbing the handle, I let out a loud sigh, and pulled back the door, taking in the warm, familiar surroundings. Everything looked the same, yet so much had changed.

My eyes rested on the bar, and for a moment I hoped I'd see his perfect smiling face. I felt his presence all around me, like a ghost always haunting me, teasing me with something I could never have. Walking to the bar I was greeted by a tall, stocky, almost menacing looking guy I'd never seen before. His buzz cut and tattoos were doing him no favours in the intimidation department but when he smiled his face instantly warmed.

"What can I get you, pet?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye. Instantly I felt at ease as his soft, warm Geordie accent washed over me.

"A hot chocolate, please," I answered before the words had even registered, just ordering out of habit.

Did I secretly enjoy tormenting myself?

I must possess some kind of sycophant personality. First coming into the pub and then the hot chocolate.

Did I really enjoy reliving old painful memories?

But something inside was telling me I needed this, that unbelievably being here was providing some form of comfort.

"Cream and marshmallows?" he asked grinning, waiting for my response.

"Please." I nodded, digging out some change from my pocket.

"For you, darling, you can have extra chocolate sprinkles." His wink took me by surprise, and he chuckled at my face as I blushed. I quickly paid, feeling slightly mortified by my response. Why was I reacting like this?

It wasn't because I was interested, looking at someone in that way was even further from my mind, especially after what happened last night.

Grabbing my bag, I headed over to the table by the window and flopped down on the leather seat. I watched with intrigue the endless amounts of people mindlessly walking by, lost in their own little worlds.

An air of jealousy surrounded me with each and every smile, envying their happy go lucky lives. I wanted the smiles, the happiness at being completely and totally blissfully in love. Not this dejected feeling I was experiencing, sinking further into my own misery.

The distraction of people watching prevented me from noticing the small crowd who had just walked in. My head automatically snapped back to the here and now by the sound of a voice I would only describe as the devil.

David.

Every single hair stood up on end. I swallowed back the bile, my own natural reaction knowing he was within metres of me. I glanced over to find him standing with two girls. I watched his eyes scan the room, no doubt searching for his next unwilling participant to his sick game.

I froze when his eyes headed in my direction, but managed to whip my head around before they locked with his. I felt my anxiety levels rise, fighting to maintain some kind of composure. Realistically I should be sprawled out on the floor, gasping for air and having a full on panic attack, but I was not going to do that.

Not here. Not now.

My eyes swept the room, hoping to find the barman to cancel my order. This no longer felt like a safe haven, it changed the moment he walked through the door.

The minutes ticked by as I anxiously gnawed on my nail, planning my exit route in my head. I glanced over to find out David's whereabouts, hoping to avoid any form of embarrassment. The moment our eyes connected, I knew it was game over.

The smug smile that crept over his face only confirmed it. Bile rose up in my throat at realising in our momentary exchange; I was now the pawn in his sick game. He had the perfect audience and I was the main act.

I swallowed deep, composing myself, and grabbed my belongings. Inwardly cursing myself for not possessing the power of invisibility, some sort of X-Men power would be gratefully appreciated right now. But I was just plain old stupid Izzy about to go into the lion's den as I headed towards the door.