Lustful Hearts

The next few days passed by in a blur. I'd officially turned into a human robot, nodding and fake smiling my way through the day. I ate though it was merely to keep my body functioning. I was barely sleeping. Just about barely breathing.

Joel hadn't called, and I had finally given up the ghost and rang him, but it had eventually gone to voicemail. That was two days ago, and I was beginning to go crazy. So when his name eventually flashed up on my phone, I was less than happy to speak with him.

"Hello," I answered in a curt brisk manner already on the defense.

"Hey, Iz," he said brightly. "I finally get to talk to you. I have left messages but just been so busy you know." I heard the chatter and music of the pub in the background begin to fade as he made his way somewhere quieter.

"Yeah I know, I got your message, thanks for that. You know how to make a girl feel really special," I huffed, the conversation now replaying again in my head.

"What do you mean?" he asked with a touch of annoyance to his voice.

Hang on he was now annoyed at me?

"What did you say, my call wasn't important?" I heard the blood pumping in my ears, waiting for his reply.

He let out a long sigh of frustration. “I didn't mean it like that, Iz. I meant it wasn't a business call. You know you're important to me.”

"Hmm looks like it, you barely call me then tell me I'm not important on the message you leave. I ring you, and you haven't bothered to ring back."

"Izzy, I'm sorry but it's been manic here, I've barely had time to think."

Yeah whatever.

"You've made time to get yourself acquainted with all the girls at the bar though. I bet Cindy is helping you to settle in." I waited with bated breath to hear any sign of change in his voice. "What's that supposed to mean?" His voice immediately sounded defensive like he had something to hide.

"I saw the picture, Joel, she was cosied up nice and tight beside you. I guess it's inevitable she'll be my replacement no doubt." My eyes filled with tears at the very thought.

"Iz, have you gone totally crazy? You're getting all this from a photo?" he snapped.

My body flinched at his tone. "She's your usual type, Joel. She'll be in your bed before the week is out. I'll make it easy for you, shall I? The break we're having at the moment, let's make it a permanent one." He openly gasped before the line fell silent. My heart beat at twice its rate waiting for a reply. The eerie silence stretched out between us as the tears began to fall.

I swallowed slowly waiting for my voice to correct itself, trying to sound less croaky. "I deserve better than this, Joel. I can't live feeling worried sick about whatever skank you're going to hook up with behind my back.

So you enjoy yourself in Manchester, 'cause I need to move on with my life, one that no longer involves you." My voice broke at the last part, barely able to speak the words I knew would change things forever. "You're right," he whispered, and my heart plummeted. "I never deserved you, and I was a fool to believe what we had could work. I'm sorry if I hurt you, Iz, it's probably for the best-I have to go, bye." He hung up, and my heart immediately shattered.

He didn't even fight for me, just instantly surrendered.

We were over. Finished. Done.

I felt the bile rise as the reality of the situation hit me and ran full pelt to the bathroom. The tears flowed as I gripped the porcelain tight.

After finishing I slid down the wall to sit on the cool, tiled floor. I was sinking into a black hole of grief, one I doubt I'd ever have the strength to climb out of.

***

It was a cold, grey, drizzly day in Manchester as I stood staring over at Joel's pub. After a week of no sleep, no appetite, and constant Facebook twenty/four seven, I decided I needed to try to resolve this face to face with Joel.

The sight of the pub alone was enough to make me smile. Just knowing I was within reach of Joel sparked a renewed hope inside.

I drew my jacket tighter around me, stepping into the doorway of the shop opposite. I pulled out a mirror and grimaced at the reflection staring back.

I'd put on some makeup to try to hide the prominent dark circles, but they weren't so easily disguised. I smoothed my wind swept hair down, trying to steady my erratic breaths.

It was time to face the music.

Stepping away from the doorway, my eyes instantly widened in surprise and my breath caught in my throat. Joel was standing barely metres away. He had his back to me, but I would recognise him anywhere. My body instantly reacted to him.

I felt my heart slam against my chest. All the air rushed out of my lungs, I was fighting just to breathe. I studied him for several seconds, biting my lip anxiously to compose myself before walking over.

I motioned to walk forward on the verge of shouting his name, but suddenly my feet were frozen to the spot. Cindy was heading towards him smiling. I had seen enough of her photos during my many stalker sessions to know it was definitely her.

When she reached him, she laughed and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in close for a kiss. Tears instantly pricked my eyes. In my dark moments I had imagined this scenario, but seeing it in front of me was like a knife twisting in my heart.

I jumped back into the doorway continuing to watch. She reached down and grabbed his bum, pinching it as he chuckled.

Fuck.

I wanted to fucking kill him!

I wanted to tear him limb from limb and stomp on his lying, cheating heart. It had taken him less than a sneeze to get over me before Cindy was in his bed. I despised him with every fibre in my body, with every single last breath.

His laughter crushed the last fragment of my heart, watching my worst fear brought to life. But deep down I knew this was my own doing, I had let this happen. I was the maker of all of this and had broken us up, so now he was technically a free man.

Why was I so foolish to think he wouldn't have moved on so fast? That he needed time. That for once I had meant something to him.

Obviously not.

I was less then nothing.

I was forgettable. And from what I saw in front of my own eyes.

Replaceable.

I pressed my face up against the cold, hard glass as the tears began to fall. The expectation of what could have happened was dead and buried. No happy reunion or being swept away in his arms.

No declarations of how much he loved and missed me. It was just me huddled in an empty doorway crying over a guy who had completely crushed my heart.

When I looked out again they'd gone, the droplets of rain mingled with my own tears as I headed back to the station. I didn't want to be in Manchester a moment longer.

I hated Manchester.

I hated Joel.

***

"Iz, dinner is ready." Mike shook me awake as he switched on the lamp. His face soon dropped taking in my red swollen, puffy eyes. "What's happened?" His concerned look brought on more tears. God, at this rate I was certain dehydration would end up being the cause on my death certificate.

I poured out everything to him, the phone calls, the women, going to Manchester and seeing him with Cindy. He cradled me in his arms, and I sobbed into his chest.

"I'm sorry, Iz, but this is who Joel is. That's why I freaked out when you started seeing him. He is a player and always will be. You deserve better." I clung to Mike, crying for several more minutes as he continually rubbed my back trying to soothe me.

"Should I tell Mum you've got a migraine, so she won't bother you?"

"Please... Mike, thank you."

"Izzy, I'm your brother. I'm always going to look out for my little sis. You get some sleep, things will be better in the morning." He pressed his lips against my hair before I watched him disappear out of the room. I switched off the light, welcoming the darkness.

I was officially in hell.00000